DANIEL DAY LEWIS OFFERED NO-BID OIL CONTRACT IN ALASKA

29 April, 2008 (Washington, D.C.): As fuel prices reached a record high today, President Bush announced plans to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) to drilling as part of a multi-billion dollar contract with Academy Award winning actor Daniel Day Lewis.

"One of the main reasons for high gas prices is that global oil production is not keeping up with growing demand," Bush said during a Rose Garden news conference. "The industry needs bold leadership and quick action," the president continued, "and I believe that the kind of intensity that Mr. Lewis offers is just what they need to meet demand."

In recent years, Democrats in Congress have blocked efforts to open the refuge despite Energy Department estimates that the area could yield a million barrels of oil a day. President Bush called on lawmakers to expand domestic oil production in an "environmentally friendly and entertaining way."

When reached for comment, Lewis claimed to be surprised by the plan.

"I'm not as experienced in oil as Mr. Bush may think I am," the British-born actor said, "I'm not exactly sure what he expects me to do."

Lewis also expressed concern with the legitimacy of the agreement, citing problems with the contract's overall vagueness as well as various wardrobe and mustache requirements listed throughout.

The president was not deterred by Lewis's seeming ambivalence towards the project. When asked about the actor's limited experience in actual oil drilling Bush responded positively, saying that running an oil business is not as hard as it may seem and can be done with "literally no real experience."

"Playing an oil man is pretty much like being an oil man, if I recall," Bush explained, "plus, that guy was nuts in Gangs of New York, he's going to solve this gas problem."

Democrats on the Hill responded with their own press conference at which New York Senator Charles Schumer attacked the president for his inactivity and criticized his latest offering as "poorly timed, stale and unimaginative."

1884 Adult Film Now Earliest Known Motion Picture

15 April, 2008 (Lynchburg, VA): Film historians have discovered a motion picture recording that predates French inventor Louis Le Prince’s Roundhay Garden Scene, the previously oldest known film, by 4 years. More shocking than the discovery itself is the content of the film, described by researchers as “explicitly pornographic.” The nearly dissolved, 12-second filmstrip is of a young Victorian woman engaging in adult relations with at least two gentlemen and an individual of undetermined gender. A team of historians from Liberty University discovered the film while gathering research for a project on late 19th century pornography and novelty gifts.

The film is credited to inventor and pornographer Aberdeen Hicklin of Skunkhollow, Arkansas. Hicklin made the recording using a crude camera-projector that was remarkably similar to Le Prince’s own design. Dates on related material discovered with the recording suggest that it was filmed in 1884. According to a primitive screenplay recovered, the film was titled Cleveland Steamer due to it’s depiction of a promiscuous secretary’s encounter with a group of reporters while on presidential candidate Grover Cleveland’s campaign train.

A pornographer by trade, Hicklin had earned a reputation as an innovator in adult entertainment by cornering the pornographic stereograph market. His top selling adult stereo card series “Young Harlots Gone Mad with Typhoid Fever” and its follow up “Daisy does the 1876 World’s Fair” made Hicklin one of the most successful pornographers of the late 19th century. Unfortunately, his success came to an abrupt end in 1889 when he continued to break new ground by becoming one of Arkansas’ first automobile fatalities.

Following Hicklin’s death, the groundbreaking film was stored along with his other belonging in a surviving family member’s attic where they remained until being sold at an estate sale last month. A Lynchburg businessman and pornography enthusiast, who chose to remain nameless, purchased the film along with several pornographic stereo card sets, including a never before seen, less than accurate pictorial of Custard’s Last Stand entitled “Little Big ‘N Horny.”

In recent decades, the adult entertainment industry has been at the forefront of new technology ranging from VHS to the Internet. In fact, many credit the industry as key factor in the VHS victory over Betamax. With this new discovery, researchers can now trace pornography’s influence on film all the way back to the earliest days of the medium.

The Audacity of Madness

From the Local Affairs Desk
Part two of a retroactively declared two-part series

Last week I addressed a serious, yet negative issue effecting the health and beauty of Austin’s Town Lake, today I’d like to shift the focus to a more positive aspect of our park. During a recent Saturday spent on the lake it occurred to me how convenient it would be to get around town by canoe or small boat. If you worked downtown and happened to live upstream you could just cruise down the river to your office, how great would that be? But then I asked my self, why should only those who work downtown and have lakefront property be able to take advantage of the ease and fun of commuting by boat?
After mulling this over in my canoe for a while, I decided I would take action. As soon as I got back to land I got on the horn and put together an exploratory committee to investigate a possible run for mayor on a bold platform: I will bring aquatic transportation to the people of Austin, I will flood the city! Imagine it, the beauty and convenience of Venice right in the heart of the Texas Hill Country. If you think swim-up bars are cool, you’re going to love it when there’s swim-up everything. [St. David's Hospital now St. David's Hospital and Riverboat Casino, complete with swim-up ER and blackjack, what fun!]
Some of the greatest problems facing Austin will be positively impacted by flooding the city. The traffic situation in Austin will be greatly improved by my plan. Many of the streets of Austin are already better suited for canoes as it is. Plus, commuting by boat will leave a lower carbon footprint [gondolas are zero emissions] and traffic jams will become pleasant cruises down stream. This bold plan will also solve the homeless problem in Austin. The local transient population will be gently encouraged by market forces and high tides to find jobs in the new maritime economy; it’ll literally be sink or swim. The remaining homeless will not be seen as bums, but as loveable pirates looking for doubloons to buy their grog.
The plan itself is simple. [See fig. 1] First, I’ll let Lake Travis run over into the city – to appease the many tree huggers in Austin I’ll use all natural fertilizer explosives to gently remove the dams. Next, the smaller lakes and reservoirs around town will have to be pumped and rerouted to form the new “canals.” Finally, the smaller streams and drainage ditches running through town will be significantly widened.
And don’t worry electricity lovers, the power lost from the dams isn’t a problem. I’m also calling for the construction of an environmentally friendly, emissions free nuclear power plant [the newly formed lakes and canals will make excellent cooling ponds]. In an added bonus, the plant will create jobs to fill the void created by the sudden drop in “land based” jobs.
Austin needs a mayor that will stand by his word and isn’t a drunken thug. I promise, if elected, I will flood the streets of Austin. But I can only do this with the help of the people, more specifically, the people who are high paid lobbyists. A flooded Austin will greatly benefit the recreational boat industry, time to start cozying up Yamaha. I accept campaign donations in cash and in boat form. McCain has his straight talk express; I need a straight talk yacht, or possibly party barge. Together we can do it, an underwater Austin by 2010!

A Dog's Day in Court

From the Local Affairs Desk
an editorial

Spring has arrived in Austin and it's time to get outdoors and enjoy the natural wonders of the Hill Country. With this in mind, I feel it necessary to discuss a growing problem with our beloved Town Lake; and I'm not referring to the impact of human development on the natural environment or the alarming number of unicyclists around the lake these days. I'm addressing a much older problem: canine waste. Now, I love dogs; I get more excited when a dog's around than any grown man should. But their waste is unsightly, poisons our environment, carries harmful bacteria & viruses, and ruined my Italian leather shoes. In fact, according to a study conducted by the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality in 2000, nearly 500,000 lbs. of dog leavings are deposited into the Town Lake water-shed per year.
This problem requires tough action and the current laws are all bark and no bite. Today, failing to take care of your animal's waste can cost you up $500, but I say we can do better. Five hundred dollars is a decent fine, raising this would be unjust as we cannot put this crime on par with more serious offenses. What needs to be changed is enforcement, we have to attack this problem with the means available. Not only should the city step up patrols, but if a negligent owner is caught in the act the offending dog should be confiscated as evidence and held until the fine is paid or time is served. Not only will this be a wake up call to the irresponsible owners, but it will be a direct assault on the root of the problem. These canines strut around our park naked as the day is long and unabashedly defecate on public property, the only thing they respect is brute force.
I can already hear the dog lovers screaming about how this would be a terrible injustice, but face it, dogs are property and the city has every right to take them, it's no different than towing a car. A legal challenge to any dog-jailing policy would have devastating, unimaginable side-effects that I'm almost certain you've never considered. For this policy to be overturned a judge would have to rule that a dog has legal rights. While I'm sure this would thrill the PETA crowd, it would undoubtedly lead to a chaotic world where dogs have legal standing. Soon dogs will be entering into contracts, would have the vote [and they're Hillary supporters] and the American family would be destroyed by inter-species [and possibly gay inter-species] marriage.
On the other hand, jailing dogs will energize our slumping economy by introducing the completely new business of dog bonding, maybe even dog bounty hunting [not to be confused with Dog the Bounty Hunter]. Plus, if the new policy is as effective as I hope, the evidence lockers will soon be too crowded to hold all the detained dogs leading to new privatized dog prisons.
Until city hall wakes up and starts arresting dogs, or possibly putting their owners to sleep, we all have to do our part. Pick up after your animal, spay and neuter your pets, and if you see someone not picking up after their pet punch them in the back of the head for me.

"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day." - Harry S. Truman