Or Give Me Death

COWBOYS PLAYOFF VICTORY ABHORRENT TO NATURE, PHYSICISTS THEORIZE

2009-12-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

From the Sports Science Desk

The first place Dallas Cowboys will attempt to drive the New York Giants further down the division ladder this weekend when they visit the Meadowlands. The very real prospect of a playoff birth weighs heavily on the minds of everyone in Cowboys nation, but according to a team of scientists it may be all for not. Physicists have suggested that a playoff victory might be so abhorrent to nature that its achievement would ripple backward through time and stop the Cowboys before they could win, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather.

The theory was a largely overlooked footnote in a series of papers by Holger Bech Nielsen, of the Niels Bohr Institute in Copenhagen, and Masao Ninomiya of the Yukawa Institute for Theoretical Physics in Kyoto, Japan. The papers mostly outline theories regarding the abhorrent nature of the Higgs Boson, the theoretical particle responsible for imbuing other elementary particles with mass; however, the inevitable failure of the Dallas Cowboys in the month of December and beyond was also evidenced by the research.

“It must be our prediction that all Higgs producing machines shall have bad luck,” Dr. Nielsen said in an e-mail message, “but our mathematical models also discovered other phenomena that are seemingly distasteful to nature. A Dallas playoff win appears to be one such phenomenon.”

This malign influence from the future, they argue, could explain why the Dallas Cowboys have seen one inexplicable failure after another, despite millions of dollars being spent on star talent; a pattern so unlikely that Dr. Nielsen calls it an “anti-miracle.”

“At first, we obviously questioned the results,” said Masao Ninomiya, “when Romo fumbled against Seattle in the ‘06 playoffs we assumed other, more obvious, elements such as inexperience were at work. In the 2007 season, we got a bit nervous when they just destroyed everyone in the regular season and even won the division. But our theory remained solid after they got lit up by New York - a wildcard team. In 2008, we didn’t even bother to double-check the math.”

The research was predictably met with skepticism and disappointment by Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who was quick to site the Cowboys' multiple past playoff wins. The mathematical models, however, suggest the Cowboys may have reached a “critical mass” of wins in the late 20th century, 1996 to be precise.

Jones brushed off comparisons between the $1.15 billion Cowboys Stadium and the $9 billion Large Hadron Collider as silly and unimaginative.

UPDATE

2009-07-11T16:40:00.001-07:00

Howdy folks,

This hiatus hasn't been a total waste, a new project is in the works and coming down the pipeline any day. Or Give Me Death industries is moving into the world of real publishing, not this silly online publishing that's so Goddamned popular. [I swear to God Almighty Jesus that if I hear one more puff piece about how Twitter is liberating Iran I'm going to shoot my computer execution style!]
Anyway, coming soon: shocking fiction from the producers of OrGiveMeDeath!

It's...

POLITICAL PARTY ANIMAL

2008-11-04T07:10:00.000-08:00

Let Freedom Ring!

2008-06-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

Supreme Court Upholds Liberty in 5-4 Decision!

“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.”
-Al Capone

In Memoriam

2008-05-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

Eight Belles
2005 - 2008

DANIEL DAY LEWIS OFFERED NO-BID OIL CONTRACT IN ALASKA

2008-04-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

29 April, 2008 (Washington, D.C.): As fuel prices reached a record high today, President Bush announced plans to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) to drilling as part of a multi-billion dollar contract with Academy Award winning actor Daniel Day Lewis.

"One of the main reasons for high gas prices is that global oil production is not keeping up with growing demand," Bush said during a Rose Garden news conference. "The industry needs bold leadership and quick action," the president continued, "and I believe that the kind of intensity that Mr. Lewis offers is just what they need to meet demand."

In recent years, Democrats in Congress have blocked efforts to open the refuge despite Energy Department estimates that the area could yield a million barrels of oil a day. President Bush called on lawmakers to expand domestic oil production in an "environmentally friendly and entertaining way."

When reached for comment, Lewis claimed to be surprised by the plan.

"I'm not as experienced in oil as Mr. Bush may think I am," the British-born actor said, "I'm not exactly sure what he expects me to do."

Lewis also expressed concern with the legitimacy of the agreement, citing problems with the contract's overall vagueness as well as various wardrobe and mustache requirements listed throughout.

The president was not deterred by Lewis's seeming ambivalence towards the project. When asked about the actor's limited experience in actual oil drilling Bush responded positively, saying that running an oil business is not as hard as it may seem and can be done with "literally no real experience."

"Playing an oil man is pretty much like being an oil man, if I recall," Bush explained, "plus, that guy was nuts in Gangs of New York, he's going to solve this gas problem."

Democrats on the Hill responded with their own press conference at which New York Senator Charles Schumer attacked the president for his inactivity and criticized his latest offering as "poorly timed, stale and unimaginative."

1884 Adult Film Now Earliest Known Motion Picture

2008-04-15T23:23:00.001-07:00

15 April, 2008 (Lynchburg, VA): Film historians have discovered a motion picture recording that predates French inventor Louis Le Prince’s Roundhay Garden Scene, the previously oldest known film, by 4 years. More shocking than the discovery itself is the content of the film, described by researchers as “explicitly pornographic.” The nearly dissolved, 12-second filmstrip is of a young Victorian woman engaging in adult relations with at least two gentlemen and an individual of undetermined gender. A team of historians from Liberty University discovered the film while gathering research for a project on late 19th century pornography and novelty gifts.

The film is credited to inventor and pornographer Aberdeen Hicklin of Skunkhollow, Arkansas. Hicklin made the recording using a crude camera-projector that was remarkably similar to Le Prince’s own design. Dates on related material discovered with the recording suggest that it was filmed in 1884. According to a primitive screenplay recovered, the film was titled Cleveland Steamer due to it’s depiction of a promiscuous secretary’s encounter with a group of reporters while on presidential candidate Grover Cleveland’s campaign train.

A pornographer by trade, Hicklin had earned a reputation as an innovator in adult entertainment by cornering the pornographic stereograph market. His top selling adult stereo card series “Young Harlots Gone Mad with Typhoid Fever” and its follow up “Daisy does the 1876 World’s Fair” made Hicklin one of the most successful pornographers of the late 19th century. Unfortunately, his success came to an abrupt end in 1889 when he continued to break new ground by becoming one of Arkansas’ first automobile fatalities.

Following Hicklin’s death, the groundbreaking film was stored along with his other belonging in a surviving family member’s attic where they remained until being sold at an estate sale last month. A Lynchburg businessman and pornography enthusiast, who chose to remain nameless, purchased the film along with several pornographic stereo card sets, including a never before seen, less than accurate pictorial of Custard’s Last Stand entitled “Little Big ‘N Horny.”

In recent decades, the adult entertainment industry has been at the forefront of new technology ranging from VHS to the Internet. In fact, many credit the industry as key factor in the VHS victory over Betamax. With this new discovery, researchers can now trace pornography’s influence on film all the way back to the earliest days of the medium.

The Audacity of Madness

2008-04-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

From the Local Affairs Desk
Part two of a retroactively declared two-part series

Last week I addressed a serious, yet negative issue effecting the health and beauty of Austin’s Town Lake, today I’d like to shift the focus to a more positive aspect of our park. During a recent Saturday spent on the lake it occurred to me how convenient it would be to get around town by canoe or small boat. If you worked downtown and happened to live upstream you could just cruise down the river to your office, how great would that be? But then I asked my self, why should only those who work downtown and have lakefront property be able to take advantage of the ease and fun of commuting by boat?
After mulling this over in my canoe for a while, I decided I would take action. As soon as I got back to land I got on the horn and put together an exploratory committee to investigate a possible run for mayor on a bold platform: I will bring aquatic transportation to the people of Austin, I will flood the city! Imagine it, the beauty and convenience of Venice right in the heart of the Texas Hill Country. If you think swim-up bars are cool, you’re going to love it when there’s swim-up everything. [St. David's Hospital now St. David's Hospital and Riverboat Casino, complete with swim-up ER and blackjack, what fun!]
Some of the greatest problems facing Austin will be positively impacted by flooding the city. The traffic situation in Austin will be greatly improved by my plan. Many of the streets of Austin are already better suited for canoes as it is. Plus, commuting by boat will leave a lower carbon footprint [gondolas are zero emissions] and traffic jams will become pleasant cruises down stream. This bold plan will also solve the homeless problem in Austin. The local transient population will be gently encouraged by market forces and high tides to find jobs in the new maritime economy; it’ll literally be sink or swim. The remaining homeless will not be seen as bums, but as loveable pirates looking for doubloons to buy their grog.
The plan itself is simple. [See fig. 1] First, I’ll let Lake Travis run over into the city – to appease the many tree huggers in Austin I’ll use all natural fertilizer explosives to gently remove the dams. Next, the smaller lakes and reservoirs around town will have to be pumped and rerouted to form the new “canals.” Finally, the smaller streams and drainage ditches running through town will be significantly widened.
And don’t worry electricity lovers, the power lost from the dams isn’t a problem. I’m also calling for the construction of an environmentally friendly, emissions free nuclear power plant [the newly formed lakes and canals will make excellent cooling ponds]. In an added bonus, the plant will create jobs to fill the void created by the sudden drop in “land based” jobs.
Austin needs a mayor that will stand by his word and isn’t a drunken thug. I promise, if elected, I will flood the streets of Austin. But I can only do this with the help of the people, more specifically, the people who are high paid lobbyists. A flooded Austin will greatly benefit the recreational boat industry, time to start cozying up Yamaha. I accept campaign donations in cash and in boat form. McCain has his straight talk express; I need a straight talk yacht, or possibly party barge. Together we can do it, an underwater Austin by 2010!

A Dog's Day in Court

2008-04-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

From the Local Affairs Desk
an editorial

Spring has arrived in Austin and it's time to get outdoors and enjoy the natural wonders of the Hill Country. With this in mind, I feel it necessary to discuss a growing problem with our beloved Town Lake; and I'm not referring to the impact of human development on the natural environment or the alarming number of unicyclists around the lake these days. I'm addressing a much older problem: canine waste. Now, I love dogs; I get more excited when a dog's around than any grown man should. But their waste is unsightly, poisons our environment, carries harmful bacteria & viruses, and ruined my Italian leather shoes. In fact, according to a study conducted by the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality in 2000, nearly 500,000 lbs. of dog leavings are deposited into the Town Lake water-shed per year.
This problem requires tough action and the current laws are all bark and no bite. Today, failing to take care of your animal's waste can cost you up $500, but I say we can do better. Five hundred dollars is a decent fine, raising this would be unjust as we cannot put this crime on par with more serious offenses. What needs to be changed is enforcement, we have to attack this problem with the means available. Not only should the city step up patrols, but if a negligent owner is caught in the act the offending dog should be confiscated as evidence and held until the fine is paid or time is served. Not only will this be a wake up call to the irresponsible owners, but it will be a direct assault on the root of the problem. These canines strut around our park naked as the day is long and unabashedly defecate on public property, the only thing they respect is brute force.
I can already hear the dog lovers screaming about how this would be a terrible injustice, but face it, dogs are property and the city has every right to take them, it's no different than towing a car. A legal challenge to any dog-jailing policy would have devastating, unimaginable side-effects that I'm almost certain you've never considered. For this policy to be overturned a judge would have to rule that a dog has legal rights. While I'm sure this would thrill the PETA crowd, it would undoubtedly lead to a chaotic world where dogs have legal standing. Soon dogs will be entering into contracts, would have the vote [and they're Hillary supporters] and the American family would be destroyed by inter-species [and possibly gay inter-species] marriage.
On the other hand, jailing dogs will energize our slumping economy by introducing the completely new business of dog bonding, maybe even dog bounty hunting [not to be confused with Dog the Bounty Hunter]. Plus, if the new policy is as effective as I hope, the evidence lockers will soon be too crowded to hold all the detained dogs leading to new privatized dog prisons.
Until city hall wakes up and starts arresting dogs, or possibly putting their owners to sleep, we all have to do our part. Pick up after your animal, spay and neuter your pets, and if you see someone not picking up after their pet punch them in the back of the head for me.

"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day." - Harry S. Truman

STRRRIIIIIIIIKE TWO: Not to be outdone by writers, CA nurses go on strike

2008-03-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

In the latest chapter of the storied nurse vs. writer rivalry, the Northern California Nurses Union, commonly known as the NCNU, has staged a strike merely a month and a week after the resolution of the Writer's Guild of America Strike that took place in Los Angeles. The “spin-off” strike began on March 21st and is expected to be at least partially resolved when nurses return to work on Monday. Over 4,000 registered nurses took to picket lines all over the Bay Area in hopes of keeping up with the writers.

“When we saw what kind of a deal the writers got after their strike, we decided it was our turn,” said Betty Long, an officer in the NCNU, “we felt like we could get a similar deal, since we actually face a lot of the same issues they did. Like them we also want a percentage of medical advising broadcast through the internet. We also want to increase our share in instructional hospital DVDs. One issue we face that they did not however is our demand that doctors quit calling us ‘Toots’ and stop whistling and snapping when they want our attention.”

Despite the significant demonstrations, the strike has yet to make national news. Andrea Green, vice-chairwoman of the NCNU who is growing out a strike-stache, resents the lack of attention the nurse’s strike has received compared to the writer’s strike. “When the writers went on strike, all the talk shows went off the air, production of movies and television programs virtually came to a stop, and the internet was buzzing with chatter. And when the late night shows finally did come back, all they talked about was the strike. Where‘s our support, where’s our attention? We‘re tired of playing second fiddle to a bunch poindexters who never get laid and aren’t as funny as they think they are, just like those three lowlifes at www.orgivem******.com. Our work is hard and no one appreciates it. We clean out bedpans for goodness sake, meanwhile writers take crap and broadcast it, usually featuring Jimmy Kimmel.”

Many hospital employees, especially doctors, feel it is time for the nurse's strike to come to an end. “Those lazy broads need to get their blubbery asses back to work and quit their bitching and moaning,” says Dr. Jerome Grey of St. Andrew’s Hospital in West San Francisco, “Me and the other doctors were saying during our poker game last night that we want to strike in protest of these skirts gossiping around the Foley catheter disposal all day instead of doing their damn jobs. How the hell are these sluts going to go on strike? Half of them just play with the sick kids in the ward all the time and flirt with terminally ill old men. I‘ll tell you what, in my eyes, these so-called "medical professionals" are just glorified hookers in little white dresses and cutesy hats with red crosses. Yep, in my book, the hierarchy goes prostitutes, strippers, waitresses, and then nurses.”

Not all opinions are as drastic as Dr. Grey’s. Some hospital non-striking staff are supportive of the strike, such as Alan Garrington, the chief administrator of San Francisco Memorial, “This strike is pointless. It‘s accomplishes nothing and has had a very negative impact on the community,” Garrington said. “For example, my precious little niece Trudy was visiting from Oklahoma. She broke her arm while attempting a very challenging and dangerous waterboarding stunt in my pool, so I rushed her to the hospital only to be met with a bunch of striking, pissed-off nurses. I had to take her all the way to Oakland to be treated. Luckily, I’m fluent in ebonics and have a “Bell for U.S. Furor” bumper sticker on my hoopty so no one gave us any trouble.”

This marks the third strike in NCNU’s history. The first time was on July 10, 1960, exactly one month after the writer’s strike of 1960. The result of this strike was a increase in the minimum wage for nurses as well as residuals for “re-runs” or medical tasks that nurses have perform multiple times. The second began October 21, 1988 two months and two days after the 1988 writer’s strike was resolved. For some unexplained reason, the nurse strike blamed along with the writer's strike by critics for the first Batman movie sucking so hard.

Green denies any correlation between WGA strikes and NCNU strikes, “Look, industries go on strike all the time,” she said, rather defensively, “just because we just so happen to have gone on strike soon after they do three times doesn‘t mean we‘re doing it because they do. These issues are floating around, building up for years, and finally one day we've all had enough and go on strike. Maybe it's a comment by some 1st year resident about how he was hoping for some sexy nurses, or a patient makes a wise crack about how bland hospital food is. Unlike plot twists in most TV shows and movies, nurse strikes cannot be predicted.”

Despite the tension and financial loss over the strike, both sides are looking to have the matter resolved quickly. As one nurse on the picket line put it, "We've spent a lot of time out and here, made a lot of sacrifices and we're all just hoping for a Hollywood ending."

Hot damn, that was corny.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Taiwan

2008-03-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

U.S. Mistakenly Ships Nuke Missile Parts to Taiwan

The Pentagon has admitted that it accidentally shipped parts from an intercontinental ballistic nuclear missile to Taiwan in 2006. Four fuses used in the triggering mechanism of a Minuteman strategic nuclear missile were shipped to Taiwanese officials instead of the helicopter batteries they had ordered. The mistake was not caught until last week. The Department of Defense has since recovered the parts.
Sino-American relations have been tense over the years largely due to U.S. political and military support of Taiwan. At an impromptu press conference Tuesday, Ryan Henry, the No. 2 policy official in Defense Secretary Robert Gates' office, said they were doing everything they could to ensure that this mistake would not damage relations further.
Top Pentagon officials and President Bush met with Chinese ambassador Zhou Wenzhong over the weekend to discuss the issue. It was reported that during the meeting President Bush phoned Chinese President Hu Jintao and with ambassador Zhou Wenzhong translating, personally alerted him to the situation. OrGiveMeDeath.com has obtained a transcript through an anonymous source at the White House and present it below:
Bush: Hello, China?
Zhou: You are speaking with President Hu Jintao.
Bush: uh, right...listen China, it's George Bush calling you, President of the United States. You might hear some crazy things about us shipping parts of an atomic rocket to Taiwan and I just wanted to assure you that every thing's totally cool.
Jintao: [indecipherable angry Chinese]
Bush: What's he saying?
Zhou: Is this some kind of joke?!?
Bush: No, seriously, I don't get Chinese, is he mad?
Zhou: No, that's what he said, he asked if you were joking.
Bush: Shit, this is confusing...ok, listen Jinty, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb? Well, we kinda shipped fuses for a nuclear warhead to Taiwan, but don't freak out, it was just parts of the thing that carries the bomb, no nuke stuff went out.
Jintao: [through Zhou] This is an outrage, are you giving missile technology to Taiwan?
Bush: No man, it's nothing like that, look, we just sent fuses, you know, like the little plastic thingies in your car, it's not like we sent engines or something. [To Zhou] Y'all got cars over there right? Not just bikes?
Jintao: [more angry Chinese]
Zhou: The president is confused and angry, he asks if the Taiwanese had them long enough to learn anything.
Bush: Hell, I don't know, I don't think so, they thought they were getting helicopter batteries or something. It took 'em like a year to figure out they weren't batteries, I seriously doubt they figured out what they were for.
[15 seconds of silence]
Bush: Let's not play the blame game now, it's not important who violated what international arms treaty or who's violating which human rights, the important thing is that we move on.
Zhou: The president is deeply concerned about the security of the American nuclear arsenal. He says he recalls seeing on CNN that your Air Force recently flew a nuke over your own country without knowing it. This troubles him.
Bush: Oh c'mon! I'll worry about that, you've got bigger problems to deal with now, that whole lama thing in Tibet, plus I hear the French are boycotting your olympics!
Zhou: The president says that having the French boycott your olympics is like having the chess club boycott your party.
[silence]
Bush: Well I'm sure you have important Presidential things to attend to, it must be tough being a totalitarian leader in a one-party system; I don't envy you. Ah, who am I kidding, of course I do. I'll have my boys in the Pentagon shoot you an email with more details on this rocket ruckus and what we're doing about it. Again, I'm sorry.
Jintao: [more Chinese]
Bush: Okay, you too, catch Hu later...heh, heh, get it? Well, see you around the U.N. Condi, get Mr. Zhou a cab.

"LOSING MY RELIGION": In light of Rev. Wright's sermons, Obama converts to Scientology

2008-03-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

With the controversial comments
concerning the September 11th attacks and American race relations by his former pastor Jeremiah Wright still receiving media and public attention, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama announced he is leaving Trinity United Church of Christ and joining the Church of Scientology.

“As I‘ve said before, I had no idea Wright‘s views on the American government and racial politics were so extreme and hateful,” Obama said in a press conference on, oh, let’s say Thursday, “This whole troubling episode has given me great pause, not only to this man I once admired spiritually, but my entire belief system. After several days of intense inward reflection, I have felt the Almighty calling me in a new direction and am proud to announce I am formally converting to the Church of Scientology. It is with this new faith that I hope to grow closer to God, discover more about myself, and attract voters to my campaign.”

The news took many of even Obama’s closest supporters by surprise. “I’m shocked. I feel it is a very, very big mistake for him to do this,” said Obama’s campaign chairman David Plouffe, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “A lot of voters are going to be alienated, no pun intended. I mean, of all the trendy religious groups to join--kabbalism, Daoism, Rastafarianism, the cult of the Ron Paul Revolution--he picks scientology? Even heliolatry would have been a better move. I just hopes when he jumps up and down on the couch at the Democratic convention, he can recruit Quentin Tarantino to direct his comeback campaign.”

Chet Lawrence Whitney, a retired air conditioning supply salesman from Hobbs, New Mexico, who claims to “know a lot about people” says he predicted Obama would become a scientologist to friends and neighbors over a year ago. “It wasn’t too hard to figure out, if you really think about it,” he said. “For starters, Barack Obama ain‘t just good-looking, he‘s Hollywood-looking. And for him to be able to convince millions of people that there‘s hope for anything to change in America, well, he‘s obviously one hell of an actor. Yep saw it coming a mile away.”

Sen. Hillary Clinton, Sen. John McCain, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and singer Cyndi Lauper could not be reached for comment (I need to speak to Lauper for another, unrelated story...I‘m just really journalistically frustrated right now).

David Miscavige, the worldwide ecclesiastical leader of the Church of Scientology, addressed the news at a meeting of the Philadelphia congregation. “Of course we‘re pleased to welcome anyone into our faith, especially an individual of Barack Obama's stature,” he said, “But if the senator believes changing his religion is going to solve this problem, he is mistaken. The Wright controversy isn‘t about God, it‘s about people, our tendency to tear each other down and our reluctance to forgive each other. From the beginning of slavery to the end of the Civil Rights movement, blacks were mercilessly torn down, physically, mentally, and spiritually. But rather than turn the other cheek, religious and social leaders like Malcolm X, Louis Farrakan and now Jeremiah Wright chose to respond with more hatred. Now, both right wing pundits and Clinton supporters seek to use this controversy to generate hatred for Wright and Obama for their personal agendas. I‘m not necessarily saying Obama needs to be president, but for the good of the country, we must break the tradition of hatred and replace it with a tradition of forgiveness,” he said to applause.

Miscavige continued, “I think forgiving the past and committing to doing better in the future is the only way America can achieve the change Senator Obama hopes for. Thank you all for coming to this meeting, have a great week, and may we always be protected from the wrath of body thetans and the evil lord Xenu of the Galatic Confederacy. Nanoo, nanoo, live long and prosper.”

Orgivemedeath.com fully acknowledges this article not to be our finest work. The editorial board merely sought to put up something timely and also to allow Mr. Inch one last opportunity to throw a jab at Ron Paul before the distinguished representative exits politics and begins his exciting new career as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

Of Blogs & Bullies

2008-03-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

From the Online Affairs Desk
commentary

Here at OrGiveMeDeath.com we strive for excellence in all we do and despite a nonexistent budget and a limited talent pool we've managed to bring you relevant satire, hard hitting news, and wire stories about prostitutes and wild animal attacks on a somewhat recurring basis for two-and-a-half years. But it turns out that my best efforts have been in vain. A new Harris poll has found that most Americans never read political blogs. According to the study, 56% of the 2,300 adults surveyed never read blogs that discuss politics and less than a quarter read them several times a year. The study also revealed interesting statistics about public perception of blogs. Harris found that almost half of regular blog readers believe blog information to be just as accurate as information in the main stream media and that three in ten believe it to be more accurate. I'm happy that 3 in 10 of our readers (which incidentally happens to be three readers) believe us to be more accurate than the actual news, but c'mon, only half of you believe that a midget Hitler is running against a Clinton/McCain ticket or that moonlight is more cancerous than sunlight?
Harris believes that many Americans have turned back to television for their election news and that the novelty of blogs may have passed. I've been skeptical of the internet's staying power for sometime and this only lends credence to my pessimism. If the novelty of personal weblogs fades, how long it will it be before the entire idea of a world wide web of information becomes passé?
If it wasn't bad enough that no one gives two shits about what we're doing, now the government wants to step in and regulate it. In Kentucky, State Representative Tim Couch filed a bill to outlaw anonymous online posting. If passed, the law would require anyone who contributes to a website to register their full name, address, and email address. Allowing anonymous commenting would also be illegal and punishable by fines of up to $1,000 for a second offense. This goes against everything the internet stands for. The internet is built around misrepresenting yourself - you ladies who responded to my Craigslist personal ad know this first hand. Thankfully, this law won't apply to me or the site. First, I'm smart enough to not live in Kentucky; and second, we here at OrGiveMeDeath.com pride ourselves on our accountability and always post under our real names (although, Steve Williamson sounds like a fake name to me).
This slap in the face of freedom and the constitution was introduced in an effort to reduce online bullying, which the lawmaker says is a growing problem in Kentucky. When I think of the Bluegrass State I think of three things: horse racing, fried chicken and online abuse. How will I improve my self-esteem or get extra lunch money if I can't bully the other blogs? (I'm looking at you Dungeons and Dragons Weekly) So much for my dreams of becoming an online sensation, no one reads these blogs and soon I may not be able to bully them into it.

The Far Reich Candidate

2008-03-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

In an election season characterized by twists, turns, and surprises, comes what may be the most dramatic of all; an African-American little person running for the presidency of the United States on behalf of the Nazi party. Tyler Bell, a former office manager for an accounting firm in Columbus, Ohio, made the startling announcement at a press conference in his hometown this week.

“America is looking for two attributes in a president that do not typically converge,” he said to a crowd of journalists and…eclectic…supporters. “On one hand, they want change in Washington, someone not only of a different mindset, but symbolically physically different from the white male presidents of the past. However, they also want a traditional president, one who supports a strong military and conservative values. It is only by electing me as president that America can have the proverbial cake, and proverbially eat it too!”

In an exclusive interview with Orgivemedeath.com, Bell expounded on his unique presidential bid, “Look, I know better than anyone how strange an African-American Nazi dwarf running for president seems. But I believe it‘s the only way to solve our problems. I bring a brand new perspective, and no, I do not mean at constant ass/crotch level. At the same time, I represent classical values that have retained their relevance for almost 80 years. Both the silver of new and the gold of old would be in my White House.”

Bell’s campaign manager is Ari Zimmerfeld of the political advising firm Cohen, Ginsberg, Goldstein, Liebowitz & Associates based in Borough Park, Brooklyn. “I’ll tell you, in a life time of studying politics and thirty years in the industry, I‘ve never encountered a candidate as dynamic as Tyler,” Zimmerfeld said. “He really relates to people from all backgrounds; he can speak in a dignified manner to the supreme elite, or down low street vernacular. He even sporadically breaks into impassioned German. I really think Tyler Bell is going to take America, and the world, by storm.”

When asked about the legitimacy of Bell’s chances of winning, Zimmerfeld was highly optimistic. “The way I see it playing out is we‘ll draw in the black vote, boxing out Obama, and the fascist vote, which will kneecap McCain. Then we‘ll take the people who support candidates for attention off of Nader and Ron Paul. Finally, throw in the endorsements by celebrity little people like Mickey from Seinfeld, Vern Troyer, Wee Man from Jackass, and of course you Fatticus, and bada bing, President Bell.”
(Editorial Note: Neither Orgivemedeath.com or Fatticus Inch as an individual have formally endorsed any presidential candidate.)

Bell is campaigning on a platform that encompasses the many facets of his persona. “Well, first of, I want to strengthen the U.S.’s ties to Italy and Japan,” he said, “I‘d like to institute some sort of super-affirmative action program, whereby double minorities get twice the compensation, which I hope will drastically increasing the number of African-American dwarves in high level corporate positions. I do endorse ethnic cleansing, but in a more literal sense; in my administration, all immigrants will be required to shower twice a day and wear extra-strength deodorant.”

The last line was met with thunderous applause and chants of “President Bell!” by the audience.

When asked about the more sinister elements associated with his party, Bell responded, “Anyone who has studied history is well-aware the Nazis get unfair an rap by leftist historians. Even universally respected leaders like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad question if the Holocaust even took place. Honestly, when you take out the global domination agenda, exultation of a master race, and the systematic extermination of undesirables, the Nazi party is actually pretty attractive.”
One demographic that Bell particularly appeals to is college students. "Dude, like when I first saw him on the news, I was like at a kegger and whatever, and I said to one of my buds, 'Bro, is that like a black midget dressed as Hitler running for president, bro? Freakin' sweet dude'!" said Jonathan Hill. a senior international economics major at Harvard University. "I'm totally voting for him, bro and am telling everyone I know, man. A black midget dressed like Hitler is exactly what this country needs right now, dude, for real bro."

Opposition to Davis' candidacy has emerged from a bizarre, yet entirely appropriate source. Daniel Carter, a dwarf of Asian decent who dresses like Winston Churchill and Timothy Diaz, a Latino little person who wears clothes resembling Franklin Delano Roosevelt's, have launched a political action committee called the Allied Powers aiming to stop Bell’s campaign.

“Tyler Bell is a fanatic, someone who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject,” said Carter. “He campaigns both for and against tradition, and while a love for traditions has never weakened a nation and indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril, his supposed ’values’ are destructive.”

Diaz chimed in, “I am neither bitter nor cynical but when I consider Bell’s candidacy, I do wish there was less immaturity in political thinking. He is motivated purely by selfishness, the only real atheism; Daniel and I are motivated by aspiration and unselfishness, the only real religion.”

It is with this conviction against Bell that Carter and Diaz have pledged to confront Bell’s campaign with vigor. “We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Washington,” professed Carter, “we shall fight at the precincts and caucuses, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our democracy, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight at rallies, we shall fight at the debates, we shall fight at private fondu parties where issues are casually discussed and in the streets, we shall never surrender.”

“I love a good fight,” Diaz chimed in.

Despite the challenges ahead Bell insists he will continue forth, no matter how little his chances of victory are, how black his political prospects, or how many say they can notsee him as president. He merely salutes his campaign yard signs which read “Heil Bell, Restoring American Greatness since 2008.”

Running Buddies: Hillary makes an unusual VP proposition

2008-03-11T02:23:00.000-07:00

In the wake of Presidential hopeful Sen. Hillary Clinton suggesting her rival Sen. Barack Obama run as her vice presidential candidate and having this offer rejected by the Obama camp, Clinton made an even more unusual proposal Monday while campaigning in Philadelphia;

“We are a house divided. And as we all know, a house divided against itself cannot stand. The red-state/blue-state phenomenon has fractured our country, towns, neighborhoods, and even households. America desires badly to be united again. It is in this spirit, that I proudly extend the invitation for the position of the vice-presidency on my presidential ticket to none other than Senator John McCain of Arizona! Together, John & I will take back America!”

McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis, responded to the news with reserved confusion, “I saw that on google news today and frankly, I find it to be insane,” he said in a g-chat interview Tuesday. “For starters, John and that lady are not even in the same party. Secondly, we already have our party‘s nomination for president, while the odds of her obtaining the Democratic nomination are fairly low. Thirdly, how is a guy who did 5 years in the Hanoi Hilton going to spend 9 months on the campaign trail with Hillary? Aye curumba! Yoinks!”

Former president Bill Clinton wasn’t as dismissive of the idea when asked about it at a campaign stop in Mississippi. “Well, this really would be an unstoppable force,” he said. “It is truly a ticket for everyone. She would bring in the liberals, he would bring in the conservatives. She would attract the anti-war, pro-social program people, he would attract the pro-war, anti-social program people. She would appeal to the lesbos, he would do it for the crusty old farts. Really, it’s the only way I see for either to beat Tyler Bell. Very few people would not vote for this ticket.”

Samantha Power, Barack Obama’s foreign policy advisor, disagreed with the Clintons, “This is the most f---ing ludicrous s--- I‘ve heard all f---ing day, what a couple of a--heads…that‘s off the record by the way.”

As for Senator McCain himself, he had this cryptic response at a press conference in New York. “Well, I‘m still examining all the angles at this point. Checking them all out, considering all the possibilities. Yep, that‘s the way to do it. That's the way to get em' good.”

ATTORNEY GENERAL: HOODED SWEATSHIRTS NOW PROBABLE CAUSE FOR ARREST

2008-03-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

Sunglasses at night now a misdemeanor

10 March, 2008 (Washington, D.C.): Wearing a hooded sweatshirt could land you in jail, this according to a controversial memo from the Attorney General's office. In the legal opinion, an attorney for the Justice Department concluded that due to recent terrorist threats and ubiquitous hooded sweatshirt use among criminals, wearing a hooded sweatshirt is enough probable cause to be detained - indefinitely.
"Anyone wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up when weather conditions are not hood-appropriate, and especially at night, is clearly up to no good; plain and simple," the attorney wrote in the memo. The memo went on to say that the color and style of the hooded sweatshirt could be taken into consideration, noting that light colors and college sweatshirts were "less sinister." The one-page document advised police that "while the intent of a person in a hooded sweatshirt can be wide ranging, it is always wise to approach the hooded individual with extreme caution as he or she will not respect your authority and may attack, for no reason."
Critics, including the ACLU, claim that the legal opinion goes against the constitutionally guaranteed freedom of expression and will ultimately lead to discriminatory arrests. "The opinion is vague and legally flawed," said an ACLU spokesperson, "furthermore, it is unclear on what is considered responsible hood use." A legal challenge is expected.

It's Over

2008-03-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

From the Sports Desk
in memoriam

After 17 record breaking seasons, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback and There's Something About Mary co-star Brett Favre has announced his retirement from professional football. Best known for his consecutive starts streak, Favre has proven that all a person has to do to shatter every record in football - good or bad - is start every game for the better part of two decades. With all the big records (touchdown passes, passing yards, and interceptions) now his, he's decided to walk off into the sunset.
I've had a bittersweet reaction to this turn of events. On one hand, I'm thrilled America won't have to suffer thru another season of hero-worshiping pundits reciting love poetry to the aging quarterback on national television. For now, let's just pray that the nauseating, round-the-clock coverage of his retirement ends soon. On the other hand, I'm slightly disappointed that OrGiveMeDeath is losing one of its oldest foes. In fact, after much soul searching I've decided to retire the Favre interception counter. It's been a good run, the counter has been a staple of OGMD since 2005; back when Favre was only #11. True devotees of the site know it was the only thing I regularly updated during my 17 month hiatus.
Now, it is with great pride that I introduce the Brett Favre Memorial Peyton Manning INT Watch. I really don't have any thing against Peyton, except for his brother. But Peyton is the most appropriate choice, he currently leads all active quarterbacks except Vinny Testaverde (4) and Kerry Collins (39) and I don't count them because Collins is a washed-up, drunken back-up and I'm Vinny fan (plus he's a dinosaur and may not play long enough to break anything other than his hip). Peyton is on pace to catch Brett Favre in 9 more seasons; at which point he would be 40 years old and in his 19th season. If he continues to stay healthy it's not unreasonable to think he can pull it off; although it wouldn't hurt for him to have a couple of career high years and maybe even lead the league in interceptions (like Favre did in 2005). Carry the torch Peyton.

Go Green, Eat a Whale

2008-03-04T16:41:00.001-08:00

From the Global Affairs Desk
an editorial

A new study has found that whaling is an eco-friendly alternative to raising livestock for meat, according to a Norwegian based lobby group that represents the interests of coastal communities in the Arctic. The High North Alliance study claims that the whaling industry produces a smaller carbon footprint than the traditional meat industry and that "greenhouse gas emissions caused by one meal of beef are the equivalent of eight meals of whale meat."
I applaud the High North Alliance for their bold stance and controversial study. Upon hearing about these findings, I decided to do my part to save the world by adopting a whale-heavy diet. Much to my dismay, when I asked the grocer at the Whole Foods when I could expect to see the next shipment of whale meat I was told that I was "disgusting" and "should be ashamed." Ashamed madame? The only thing shameful about this situation is that a so-called socially responsible business that prides itself on quality foods does not carry the most eco-friendly meat.
But Whole Foods is not alone in their admonishment of the whaling community. Eco-terrorist front-group Greenpeace has publicly dismissed the findings. They believe that extinction concerns are more important than greenhouse gases. Evidently, Greenpeace has no understanding of how the market works. If we eat more whales, there will be more whales - simple supply and demand. Look at cows; we eat millions each year, but are they even close to extinction? No, in fact there are so many of them that their methane emissions threaten to kill us all.
Unfortunately, reason means very little to the whale hugging terrorists. Japan knows this best; a Japanese whaling fleet was recently attacked with acid by the Sea Shepherds, a radical environmentalist group. The attack injured four and has left Japanese whalers in constant fear of mild eye irritation.
It's time that whales stop getting a free ride. Don't let Free Willy and other propaganda from the marine mammal agenda trick you into thinking that whales are any different from the other animals we butcher and eat on a daily basis. They're not, they're just a whole lot bigger. Plus, there's a lot of potential in whaling. Just think, whale oil could be the miracle additive that improves our fuel efficiency and eliminates our dependency on foreign oil - and no drilling needed. Ultimately, the argument comes down to this: if you support whaling, you support the environment; if you're against whaling, the terrorists win.

Our Crazy World

2008-02-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

From the National Affairs Desk
news in brief

We begin with the always exciting world of presidential betting lines where newly announced candidate Ralph Nader is shaking things up at the bottom of the list. Debuting at number 6 with 100-1 odds, this independent candidate is tied with cult phenomenon Ron Paul and has already jumped out way in front of Democratic hopeful Mike Gravel. His campaign is bound to take off and plow thru the competition like a Corvair with no brakes. Also worth note is Huckabee's drop to 50-1. These odds seem a bit generous to me, considering the fact that he's mathematically out of the delegate race. Huckabee's strong odds have less to do with his campaign or his showing in the upcoming primaries and everything to do with the fact that the only man standing between him and his party's nomination is 71 years old.

In Cuba, Reuters is reporting that the young people of Cuba are unhappy, but certainly not shocked, with the selection of Raul Castro, Fidel's brother, as the next president. Apparently, the youth of Cuba haven't learned anything from their fancy re-education schools and still want blue jeans, iPods and the freedom to buy them. The youth are particularly upset that fringe Cuban libertarian candidate Ron Pablo was totally overlooked - and later imprisoned.

In Germany, police dogs in the western city of Duesseldorf will now be wearing shoes, according to a police spokesperson. The shoes are necessary due to a high number paw injuries, especially injuries caused by broken glass. When asked how the dogs are taking to the shoes the police spokesperson said, "I'm not sure they like it, but they'll have to get used to it." Spoken like a true German. What happened to you Germany? I mean, c'mon, dog shoes? What happened to the scary Nazi dogs? How are you going to intimidate drunken soccer rioters when your dogs are wearing slippers?

In Sports

The Florida Marlins are assembling an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad to be dubbed the Manatees. I know nobody goes to Marlins games as it is, but honestly, is this some kind of Major League situation where the owner's trying to sink the team on purpose? The only overweight men working for a baseball team should be knocking in homers or juiced up on the mound.

Red Carpet Baggers

2008-02-21T22:50:00.000-08:00

The environmental documentary The Unforeseen, directed by Laura Dunn, examines the adverse effects housing developments have had on Austin's Barton Springs and has won much critical acclaim and several prestigious awards since its January release. However, some unforeseen opposition has recently arisen as some Austin residents have taken to protesting its release claiming the film will bring unwanted publicity and population growth to the city. Much of their resentment has targeted the documentary's executive producer, actor Robert Redford.

"We Austinites are sick and tired of carpet baggers from other parts of the country infesting our town and we are finally putting our foot down. Because of them, traffic is getting worse and worse, corporate businesses are running our beloved locally owned-establishments out, and the once pristine hiking trails are always packed with people and covered in litter. Indeed, Austin is a special place, but because of the massive influx of outsiders, it's becoming indistinguishable from any other large city," said Philip Ackerman, a real estate agent who relocated to Austin from Chicago in 2002.

"Now Mr. Hollywood himself Robert Redford parades in to make a movie about how housing developments pollute Barton Springs, which when it hits theaters, will bring in more people to live in those houses and pollute the Springs. I hold Robert Redford responsible for destroying this city."

Ackerman then added, "And for the record, I thought The Horse Whisperer was corny. I just kept thinking to myself, 'Hey Great Gatsby, who do you think you're fooling dressing up like a cowboy?' That movie was terrible."

Dunn responded to criticism such Ackerman's in the following press statement, "I am personally shocked and distraught over the negative reaction some people have had to the film, which we hoped would enlighten viewers about the pollution of Barton springs. It was never our intention for The Unforeseen (In theaters now! Available at local retailers on DVD April 15th! Packed with exciting bonus features including deleted scenes!) to cause problems for Austin or it's citizens. We only wanted to bring light to the struggle facing Barton Springs."

Not all local residents were satisfied by the director's explanation. "Hey, instead of a movie about a Texan trying to build homes in a region of Texas, why not make a movie about some pretentious Hollywood snob coming to the capitol of our great state to make a crappy movie?" asked Greg Yarborough, a corporate attorney originally from New York City, who has been living in Austin for nine years. "They can entitle it, What Robert Redford Did By Making This Crappy Movie. Or better yet, why doesn't Robert Redford just stay home and make another piece of garbage like The Horse Whisperer? Hey Redford, if you're going to insist on making a movie with no plot and terrible acting, at least have the common decency to cut it down to an hour and a half. You know, the ironic thing is, the more people who come here to be a part of 'Austin', the less 'Austin' this place becomes...damn, that was profound."

The protests are the latest event in the documentary's unusual production history. According to http://www.imdb.com/, The Unforeseen was originally conceived as a horror/thriller to be directed by Wes Craven and star Nicole Kidman as a woman who's ability to see the future is not always accurate. Through the script development process, however, the studio decided it was better suited to be a somber documentary about land development and environmental destruction. Dunn was hired on the strength of her documentaries Green and Become the Sky. She began researching Gary Bradley's development company and the resulting destruction of Austin's wildlife and completed the film in three years.

Not everyone is impressed with the result. "I know Laura Dunn and Robert Redford had good intentions, but I don't know if they considered the impacts the development of their film would have on Austin's cultural environment. Sure a big fancy expensive movie seems nice but at what cost to the creative habitat that was here before? Austin used to be a laid back, lazy river town that was so richly and proudly independent and local," said Sandra Turner, a marketing executive who moved to Austin from Miami in 2005.

"I worry people will see the glamor associated with Robert Redford as he goes on TV talk shows to promote the film and want to move out here. With more people comes more crowding, more commercialization, less peace. If Robert Redford really wanted to help Austin and the springs, he wouldn't have made this film. I liked him in The Horse Whisperer though, I thought it was a sweet story. But what was up with The Last Castle? It was just a shameless Shawshank Redemption rip-off. At least it looked that way from the preview; I didn't actually see it."

Gracie Carlyle, a spokesperson for Robert Redford sought to quell the public outcry. "Mr. Redford is obviously bewildered by people speaking out against the documentary and his involvement with the project. While he did spend much of his childhood in Austin and did learn to swim in Barton Springs, Mr. Redford has never claimed to be a native son, just a person who loves the Springs and loves Austin and wants to help. He donated his executive producer salary to the Barton Springs Preservation foundation and spent a lot time making sure the film was done well," She said at a press conference Tuesday.

"He understands locals are upset with him and out of respect for them and the community, he encourages them to come and speak with him about their concerns like they would any other neighbor. Austinites are welcome to stop by and visit him no matter where he is, be it his estate in Westlake Hills, his downtown penthouse on West Fifth Street, the luxury suite he maintains at the Driskell Hotel, his whimsical bungalow in Tarry Town, or his lakehouse on Lake Travis, just drop by and say hello. They should be aware that he usually just autumns in Austin as he finds July and August to be too sweaty so he summers in the South of France. Mr. Redford loves discussing environmental activism and would enjoy meeting anyone who is also interested in nature conservation efforts."

Boom Goes the Satellite

2008-02-21T19:51:00.001-08:00

Watch out Communist China and would-be space invaders, America owns space. Red China, who blew up one of their own satellites last year, is calling the move hypocritical and are questioning our motives. You want a space race, buddy? Go ask your boyfriend Russia how the last one turned out.

GUILTY SOCIAL CONSCIENCE: "White guilt" ranks second in reasons voters support Obama

2008-02-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

Some Democrats have seemingly confessed to being guilty by association with Barack Obama.

Following Obama's victory in the Wisconsin primary, a new poll found "white guilt" to be the second most common reason Caucasian voters gave for casting ballots on behalf of the Illinois senator. Only economic concerns ranked higher and his pledge to end the war in Iraq came in third.

"I do find it to be a little strange," said Brett Favre, a volunteer precinct captain representing Green Bay, in response to the report, "the Obama voters were mostly friendly and appeared to be in good spirits. Who knew they were harboring such guilt?"

"White guilt" is a social theory that states Caucasians may experience individual or collective guilt for racist treatment towards people of color by whites both historically and presently. Senator Obama, the most successful black presidential candidate the U.S. has ever had has enjoyed popular support among white Democrats in the previous primary elections throughout his campaign. The study was conducted by the Clark Group, a non-partisan Think Tank based in Washington, D.C. The research did not include voters outside the state of Wisconsin.

"Well, I didn't vote for Senator Obama out of any sort of guilt, I think he's an intelligent, courageous and capable leader who will make good choices in the oval office," said Ted Grice of Waukesha County, who then added with a chuckle, "but maybe now my co-worker Keisha will forgive me for calling out 'you go, girl' when it was announced that she was promoted to middle-management. Please don't print that last part in your article, by the way."

Pattie Matthews of Blooming Grove was more forthright about her voting motivation. "I certainly did vote for Barack to make amends for the actions of whites against African-Americans, including myself. Why just the other day, I told some African-American children who were being loud and running around at the grocery store to calm down and behave. I felt just terrible, I knew they saw me as the stereotypical mean old white hag. And a few months ago, I was eating lunch with one of my girlfriends from church and I told her that I found rap musical lyrics to be rather offensive. Then I turned around and saw two young African-American gentlemen at the table right behind us. I was so embarrassed. I hope my ballot serves as verifiable, undeniable proof that I am not racist what so ever. Besides, no man of any race could ever be as lax on the job as President You-Know-Who W. Bush."

Dr. Shelby Steele, a research fellow at the Hoover Institute of Stanford University and author of White Guilt: How Blacks and Whites Together Destroyed the Promise of the Civil Rights Era, believes that the findings in the study further his assertion that due to white guilt, black and whites together destroyed the promise of the civil rights era, "This study clearly supports my long-held view that, because of white guilt, black and whites together destroyed the promise of the civil rights era." he said in a statement on his website.

Senator Obama's campaign office responded to the poll results with reserved enthusiasm. "Obviously, we're not thrilled people are voting for Barack out of guilt," said Obama for America campaign manager David Plouffe in a phone interview. "However, as we are waging a challenging and historic campaign for change, we welcome voters supporting Barack for any reason. It will take Americans from all walks of life, and apparently with an array of motivations, to put an agent of change in the White House. So no matter if people feel inspired by our message of change, feel unsatisfied with the state of the nation, or feel fearful of what Senator Obama and his friends might do to their car if they don't vote for him, we are happy to have their support."

The Clark Group is currently conducting a study on whether or not the less-known phenomenon of "refreshing youth guilt" was a factor in Senator John McCain's recent victories or the 1,528 votes Representative Ron Paul has received since the primaries began.

CASTRO RESIGNS PRESIDENCY TO MANAGE CUBAN NATIONAL BASEBALL TEAM

2008-02-19T21:03:00.000-08:00

From the Caribbean Affairs Desk
special report

After months of failing health and speculation over his political future, Cuban president and Comandante en Jefe Fidel Castro has announced plans to end his 50 year reign in order to focus on the day-to-day operations of the island nation's state baseball team. In his 1,076-word "Message from the Commander in Chief" printed in Tuesday's Granma, the Communist Party newspaper, the 81 year old dictator stated that all of his attention must be turned to the 2009 World Baseball Classic. "To bring a championship home to Cuba will be the ultimate insult to the American Imperialists and the fascist stooges at Major League Baseball," said Castro. In 2006, Cuba lost to Japan in the final round of the inaugural World Baseball Classic.
"In the past five decades," the message continued, "I have stood up to ten American presidents, pointed a nuclear arsenal at the imperialists' homeland, and shook hands with Popes and Soviets Premiers; but all the while my heart and mind were never far from the great game of baseball." While members of Castro's inner circle believe he will continue to have a great influence on Cuban policy as long as he is alive, they also contend that their fearless leader has a keen mind for baseball and can put together a batting line-up like nobody's business.

Castro: A Look Back
[Time-line courtesy of the Communist Party of Cuba's Historical Society]

August 13, 1926: Castro is born, marking the first time a child was born in Cuba with a full beard.

1932: At age 6, Castro kills a wild puma that had been terrorizing his village.

1945: Castro enters law school at the University of Havana.

1947: While in school, Castro pitches a perfect game; his first of 24.

1953: Castro and the 26th of July Movement attack the Moncada Barracks in an attempt to overthrow the Batista government. Castro is sentenced to 15 years in prison for his role; he serves two years and moves to Mexico where he would meet Che Guevara and plot a violent communist take-over.

1956: Castro writes the Elvis standard, "Heartbreak Hotel."

1959: After 6 years of revolution, Castro's army takes Havana and Castro assumes power as Commander-in-Chief; Mojitos were served.

1961: After breaking off diplomatic ties earlier in the year, the U.S. government unsuccessfully attempts to depose Castro from power by supporting an armed force of Cuban exiles to retake the island - forever known as the Bay of Pigs Invasion.

1962: The Cuban Missile Crisis

1976: Castro releases an album of duets featuring several political heavyweights, including Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.

1984: Castro gets executive producer credit for Academy Award winning film "Amadeus."

1991: Castro wins the Cuban National Lottery jackpot - for the 17th and final time.

1998: Castro and a team of Cuban scientists build the first working time machine

2,000 B.C.: Castro builds the Pyramids and leads a Marxist coup against Pharaoh Mentuhotep II.

2002 A.D.: Castro is inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame

2008: Castro benevolently steps down.

Lifeless Body Boarding

2008-02-17T22:16:00.000-08:00

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL SEEKS TO CLARIFY CONFUSION OVER MEANING OF WATERBOARDING

Amnesty International is launching a public relations campaign this week to respond to misconceptions many Americans have concerning its denouncing of waterboarding. Its primary objective is to clarify to that waterboarding is a torture technique, not an aquatic sport.

“We’ve been extremely alarmed at some of the letters and phone calls we‘ve received since our organization has formally condemned waterboarding,” said Irene Khan, Secretary General of Amnesty International. “Apparently, a significant portion of the population believes we are against some sort of water surfing and not an inhumane interrogative method that simulates drowning. Why anyone with half a brain would believe one of the world’s foremost human rights groups is against surfing is beyond me. Some of my colleagues have described this situation as hilarious; I find it purely pathetic and horrifying.”

Kathy Garrington of Enid, Oklahoma is one of the many Americans who apparently do not understand what waterboarding is. “I don’t know who this Amnesty Interacial is or what they‘re trying to sell, but I think it‘s a bunch of crap that they are trying to make waterboarding a crime. Just a bunch of crap. My precious little Trudy spent her whole summer in the pool learning tricks on her waterboard, eight hours a day like it was a job. She didn't participate in any other summer activities, which I call ‘summertivities’, not even girl scout camp. She‘s been waiting all school year to show her talents off again, maybe even put on a neighborhood show or be invited to compete in the Chinese Olympics. Who‘s going to be the ones to tell her that her favorite summertivity is now illegal? Tell you what, it ain‘t going to be me.”

According to Encyclopedia Britannica, waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of immobilizing a person on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face and into the breathing passages which may cause brain damage or death. Bodyboarding is a form of wave riding that uses a foam “boogie board” invented by surfer Tom Morey in the 1970’s instead of a traditional surfboard.

With the press reporting Lt. Gen. Michael Hayden’s admittance in a Congressional hearing that the CIA has utilized waterboarding at least three times since 2005 and Congress voting to ban the practice, the confusion seems to have spread even farther.

Charlie Wilkins, an armchair political pundit and retired baked goods delivery driver, believes the ban on waterboarding is the latest instance of unconstitutional expansion of federal power. “How about this government of ours, huh? Everytime we turn around, there‘s something new we can‘t do. Congress said waterboarding stimulates drowning. Well drowning won’t be stimulated if a kid can get his got dang head out his butt and stay on his board. I‘ll tell you what, back when I was growing up, we did whatever we pleased; we called kids who stunk at sports fags, we shot tigers at the zoo with slingshots, and ate apple pie until it came out our butts. That‘s when this country was going places. Then the liberals crawled out of someone‘s butt and start legislating against fun. Those light-loafer-limousine-liberal losers always on our butts about enjoying our freedoms. They sure put the 'dumb' in freedom if you ask me. You know who‘ll put us back on track? R** P***. The media is censoring the silent majority who supports this great man. The libero-fascist media, like orgivemedeath.com, don‘t want you to know who R** P*** is, but he's a hero and I‘m screaming his name from rooftops; R** P***! R** P***! R** P***!”
(Editor's Note: It is the official policy of orgivemedeath.com to report the news fairly and objectively. Orgivemedeath.com does not censor its contributors or its sources).

At least one individual is appreciative of Amnesty International’s efforts to educate the public. David “Wavey Davy” Burns, founder and CEO of "The Water Boarding School" in San Diego, CA, claims his business has suffered due to the negative attention associated with his establishment's name. “Well, needless to say, we couldn‘t get a Middle-Easterner to enroll if our lives depended on it,” Burns said. “And the hippies haven‘t been coming around as often. I suspect they‘ve been going over to my arch nemesis‘ Tsunami Tommy‘s shop, who had his own public relations disaster a few years ago. Or maybe they’re just staying home and getting stoned.”

If poor publicity persists, Burns is concerned about the future of his enterprise. “If this backlash keeps up, I guess we‘ll have to find a new name, which sucks because I think ours is so damn clever. Either that or hire new instructors and start teaching people how to torture terrorists. Our marketing guys are currently looking into which is a more financially-sound option.”

Mark Williams of The Sophisticated Sophomore Digest contributed to this report...but not all that much.

Allow me to reintroduce myself...

2008-02-16T23:58:00.000-08:00

"It's not the SIZE of the dog in the FIGHT,

but the SIZE of the FIGHT in the dog that counts."

It is with this bold aphorism spoken previously by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, Governor Michael Huckabee, and belligerent 5'2 drunk asses stumbling through the shadows of West Sixth Street (with the term "bro" casually inserted every few syllables), that I proudly make my debut on http://www.orgivemedeath.com/.
When my esteemed colleague, the world-renowned political scientist Hiro Kowabunga initially invited me to be a contributor to this website, after tucking a 5 spot into my waistband & inquiring about my VIP service rates, I must admit I was reluctant. Needless to say, as an overweight dwarf-American with a checkered past/present, I tend to be a tad self-conscious about sharing my opinion on anything other than undergarment fashion trends and formaldehyde concoctions.
However, I feel, and I hope the readers will agree, it is precisely my unorthodox role in the theater of existence that makes my perspective so important. Until now, few people have had the opportunity to see the world as I do (no, I do not mean at constant ass/crotch-level). For the benefit of those who desire to know the thought process of a person in my shoes, I vow to "go all in" with my chips of insight at the metaphysical poker table of universal being.
As a contributor to orgivemedeath.com, I will be the telescopic lens through which our readers may see a new point of view on topics such as politics, popular culture, ancient culture (prepare to be lampooned, Tigranes the so-called Great), games of sport, the civilized arts, my ex-girlfriends, and our home base city of Austin, Texas.
To serve my readers to the best of my ability, I hereby pledge to adhere to the following code of journalistic and analytic honor by which I intend to conduct myself and my literature:

Fatticus Inch's Declaration of Principles

1) To tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, unless inebriants intervene.

2) To combat the exploitation and ostracization of individuals who suffer from Achondroplasia (the genetic condition commonly referred to as "dwarfism").

3) To promote the continued employment of midgets in the adult entertainment industry, particularly erotic cinema and arousal inducing interpretive dance expression.

4) To voice a politically liberal perspective currently grossly underrepresented in contemporary media.

All I ask in return from my readers is that they hold me accountable to these noble standards and see Martinez Bros. Taxidermy on South Lamar for all your fauna stuffing & mounting needs (tell them Fatticus sent you!).
So, friends, readers, and friendly readers, it with great excitement, and admittedly a touch of nervousness, that I present this to the public, the FIRST of what I anticipate to be at least 10 posts.

May truth and justice reign; $7.50 lapdances on Tuesdays!

More from the Horse Race

2008-02-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

From the National Affairs Desk
odds update

It seems the bookies have finally come along to my side and dropped Gore and Bloomberg from their presidential betting line. The two unannounced candidates never stood a chance by my estimation and I was shocked that their odds remained so good so deep into primary season. In any case, they're gone now and I have been vindicated. They've also seen the light about ranking McCain second - it makes no sense for a candidate who may not win their primary to be ranked higher than a candidate who has theirs all but locked up.
But I can admit when I'm wrong. It no longer seems like Clinton is the sure thing I pegged her to be. I always assumed the establishment candidate got their way, but the delegates, voters and bookies may no longer think so. She's far from out of it though, if she wins Texas and Ohio she could pull ahead. And there's always the chance of a brokered convention.
Don't count out the long shots either. Ron Paul may seem dead in the water, but I happen to know of a certain beagle that had worse odds (325-1) than him that managed to overcome adversity and win. Gravel, however, is dead in the water. Dead and sinking just like the rock in his freaky YouTube ad.

Life Aint Nothin' but Money & Bitches

2008-02-12T16:20:00.002-08:00

From the Sports Desk
dog show analysis

With football season now gone and baseball season still over a month away we can turn our attention to the cream of the sporting world: the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. This year's crowd favorite is Uno the beagle. America loves an underdog, and this underdog just happens to be an actual dog; what's not to love? But the elitist, terrier-hugger judges have never allowed a beagle to win the second oldest event in sports. These ivory tower caninophiles continue to pick style over substance and deny a good, honest, American dog like the beagle top prize. Does not every dog deserve its day? Look at this dog people! You're telling me some French dog with a perm deserves the prize over this? Ridiculous.
Even though Uno has already won the hound division - the first beagle to do so since 1939 - the odds makers at the Wynn Las Vegas don't give him a chance to win Best in Show. Rather than give odds on individual dogs, the lazy bookies at the Wynn give odds based on breeds. Evidently, making a money line for 2,627 dogs is too much to ask of a billion dollar casino. The favored breed is the standard poodle at 25-1; the beagles don't even break the top 6. Unfortunately, the line is purely entertainment and they're not taking bets - apparently neither is my bookie, you should have seen the look on his face when I tried to lay down five large on that beautiful beagle.
I smell an upset, bigger than the Giants over the Patriots. History is being made in 2008. Ad agencies need to forget about the Mannings and jump on the Uno bandwagon; I much rather see this dog overexposed and in too many commercials. I bet he can even host Saturday Night Live and make it worth watching.

The Great Horse Race (contd.)

2008-02-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

From the National Affairs Desk
an analysis

Super Tuesday has come and gone and the presidential picture looks no clearer than it did two days ago. It's too early to judge the effect of the mega-primary on the odds line, but one thing worth noting is that just days before Tuesday, McCain moved into second in the odds with 2-1; exactly where I said his odds should be a week and a half ago. This illustrates once again the awesome influence and prediction powers of the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath.
It's too soon to make any legitimate predictions for the fall, but I see an interesting scenario playing out in which this election could parallel the last election without an incumbent or a Vice President in the race. With McCain widening his lead and Huckabee keeping Romney at bay, the potential for this de facto partnership to turn into a McCain/Huckabee ticket is plausible if not likely. McCain is not exactly the darling of the Religious Right or Southern base of the GOP, a Huckabee veep spot could potentially unite the party. Interestingly enough (barely enough and probably only to me), this ticket would resemble the Eisenhower/Nixon ticket of 1952. McCain arguably represents the return of the Northeastern Eisenhower/Rockefeller Republicans, as evidenced by his more moderate views, his support from Giuliani & Schwarzenegger and his strong showing in the Northeast. An even thinner parallel could be drawn between Eisenhower's disagreements with Robert A. Taft's isolationism and McCain's own feud with Ron Paul. The Huckabee/Nixon parallels are a little harder to draw, but running him as VP definitely makes political sense, plus they kinda look alike.
On the other side I still think we'll see a Clinton ticket. The parallels between her and two-time Eisenhower opponent Adlai Stevenson are so obvious to even the casual observer that they need not be stated here. She's clearly the standard bearer of the Liberal Democrat Party and an egghead technocrat that turns off middle America. If the ticket shapes out to be Clinton/Obama, experts will probably be less likely to draw parallels between Obama and Stevenson's running mate John Sparkman, a Southern Conservative Democrat from Alabama. However, if Obama's the nominee, him and Stevenson were both Illinois politicians so my theory remains intact.
In any event, this election continues to be very boring overall and I remain resolute in my disappointment in the field. My interest is purely sporting.

2008-01-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

All the presidents' action stars

First Chuck Norris endorses Huckabee, now Sylvester Stallone has endorsed McCain. But where does Steven Seagal stand on the issues?

The Great Horse Race

2008-01-26T12:51:00.000-08:00

From the National Affairs Desk
a few thoughts on bookies and polls

The big story so far in this year's election season has been how shamefully wrong the polls and pundits have been in calling the early primaries. I've never given much credence to the polls or the talking heads, when I want an opinion on what the future holds I turn to people who back their prognostications with cold hard cash, i.e. bookies. Chris Matthews and people of his ilk will continue to get paid no matter how inaccurate their predictions might be, but bookies pay big time if they're wrong. Economists will tell you that the prediction markets tend to be more accurate than polls. Just look at McCain, seemingly dead in the water 6 months ago, he's now the front runner to win the GOP nomination. This came as no surprise to the odds makers who've been predicting a McCain-Clinton match up since 2004.
With this in mind let's look at the odds to your left. Hillary's running at 6-5, or 1.2-1; almost even money. Now, compare her odds to the New York Giants' odds of winning the Super Bowl. The current money line on the Giants is +340, which means that a $100 bet pays $340. That translates to 3.4 to 1 odds, which means that the Giants have a worse shot of winning than Hillary. I find this both funny and perplexing. There are only two possible outcomes for the Super Bowl, while the election is much more wide open. Hillary first has to beat two contenders in the primary then take on one of five yet to be determined candidates in the GOP race. So are the Giants that bad or is Hillary that good?
The other fact I find confounding is that Al Gore has better odds than any Republican other than McCain. At this point it seems incredibly unlikely that Al Gore could win the nomination so he would almost certainly have to bank on an independent bid. Do the bookies know something that the media doesn't or are these odds simply a reflection of a weak field of candidates? Bloomberg's equally high odds surprise me but are less confusing, one can imagine a scenario in which the nominations are so polarizing (I'm thinking Huckabee/Hillary) that an independent could run up the middle and win, but even that seems like more than a 5-1 shot. I certainly wouldn't offer those odds.
My odds look like this:
Clinton 3-2
McCain 2-1
Obama 3-1
The Field 10-1
Here's my explanation, I don't like Obama's chances to win the Democrat nod at this point, but Super Tuesday can still change that, so it's hard for me to put him above McCain since he might not even break to the finals. Clinton has to be first since right now it feels like the Dems will win in November unless George Bush personally captures Bin Laden, we win the war (somehow), and everyone forgives the GOP after they get their tax rebates. McCain is the only Republican that I can see standing a chance in the general election or picking up any independents, so any other Republican seems to be non-factor. Which brings me to the field (gambling term for anyone else). I don't take any independent candidate seriously, not in our system, and I'm surprised the bookies do. Finally, I cross Al Gore and any Republican off my list for the above mentioned reasons. Right now I feel the same way about the presidential race as I do about the Super Bowl, I'm just pissed that someone has to win it.

Rocking the Vote to Sleep

2008-01-17T16:17:00.000-08:00

From the National Affairs Desk
an editorial

If you've turned on the TV, listened to the radio, gone online, or just like to read bumper stickers, then you're probably well aware that election season is upon us. And you're also most likely bored as hell by it. One would think that first election since 1952 without an incumbent or Vice President and the supposed "most important election of our lifetimes" would produce better candidates. The Iraq War is dragging into it's 5th year (someone better buy Rumsfeld something wooden), the dollar is weaker than a chemo patient, and the chances I'll ever cash a social security check are about as good as the chances I'll be driving my flying car to my retirement home on Mars - oh, so many broken promises. All of this and the best the two parties have to offer are a woman who's only qualification is being the wife of the last president to be impeached (so far), a minister who thinks Earth's 6,000 years old, the dude from Law and Order, a man who sounds like he's from the Middle East but only has experience in the Midwest, a mayor (honestly, how hard can it be to run just one city?), a man who might be the Manchurian Candidate, a trial lawyer that probably still gets carded, a Mormon who may actually be a robot, and a libertarian.
Despite all of this, I recently updated my voter registration so I can perform my civic duty. America's really asking a lot this year. But I remain resolute in my decision to vote and will not be disenfranchised by the Man. As we speak, the Supreme Court is deciding whether requiring a photo ID to vote is a poll tax and discriminatory. I'm not sure about all of that, voting seems at least as important as cashing a check, applying for work, or buying a beer to me, but I entertained the idea that it could be discriminatory as I visited the Secretary of State's website to register to vote. Two options were presented to me: I could print a registration form, put it in an envelope, place a stamp on it, and mail it; or, I could request that a postage paid registration card be sent to my house. This got me thinking, if the argument goes that requiring an ID is discriminatory because the cost of a license is a de facto poll tax then why in God's Free America should I spend money on printer ink, paper, an envelope, and a stamp just to vote? Especially this year. I requested that postage paid card, would it kill them to send me a pen too? I'm not made out of office supplies. I didn't stop with registering, oh no, I also sent a letter to the Secretary of State demanding that a voting machine be brought to my house so that I may vote. Gas is expensive and I'm not walking. I will not be disenfranchised and I await the Secretary's response.

"If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it." - Mark Twain

Wait 'Till Next Year

2008-01-15T14:17:00.000-08:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

It's been a rough couple of days here at the OrGiveMeDeath compound. What happened? We were so close to brining back the good times when the Cowboys were in the Super Bowl and life made sense. Now I'm not sure what to think. It's easy to point fingers and pass the blame around, so I'm going start by placing most of the blame on offensive line coach Tony Sparano. Anyone who watched Sunday's game could see that the offensive line didn't show up, they might as well have patted the Giants' linemen on the ass on their way to take out Romo. This has everything to do with Sparano's widely reported plans to coach the Dolphins next season. I lost count of how many times Dallas was flagged for false starts, an obvious sign of no discipline. That's what happens when you have a line coach who's already cleaned out his desk and is dreaming of palm trees, sea mammals and the train wreck of a supposed "professional football" team. Bill Parcels has had his revenge.
Many will be quick to blame Romo. With two straight blown final plays in the playoffs it's easy to become a Romo-phobe, but I say give him time, not every undrafted QB can take the Dallas Cowboys to the playoffs in his first two years as a starter. I know TO agrees with me, his tearful performance at the post-game press conference had me hugging the TV and sobbing with him. Romo may have seemed to fall apart towards the end, but the play calling by the boy-genius Jason Garrett in the last two minutes seemed panicky and someone needs to teach Patrick Crayton how to catch. At least Jessica Simpson wasn't there. The biased, east coast, anti-Texas, liberal media tried their best to rattle Romo by making Simpson an issue. They've lowered themselves to name calling, labeling Simpson "Yoko Romo" and Romo "Tony Romeo" (although I personally think "Romosexual" would be funnier). They even went as far as sending a look alike to the game to distract Romo. Despite the loss, I doubt any of this really affected the game, although a case could be made that many things become irrelevant once you've gone to Cancun with Jessica Simpson.
Finally, a word to Brett Favre: Please destroy the Giants. I know I give you a hard time and point out your overrated career every chance I get, but I don't think I could stomach a Boston-New York Super Bowl (although I'm picking the Chargers).

In other news

The Houston Chronicle is reporting that Texas state representative Boris Miles (D-Houston) allegedly brandished a pistol at a recent party and started all kinds of trouble. David Harris, a rival of Miles, alleges that Miles showed up at a hotel ballroom uninvited and began to harass guests while displaying a gun. Harris claims that Miles threatened to "take him down" and told him that there "wasn't room in town for the two of them." (Houston population: 2.14 million) Miles then proclaimed himself to be a "gangster" and a "thug" and proceeded to give Harris a Bugs Bunny-esque kiss on the lips. Before leaving the party, witness and Harris claim that Miles forcibly kissed Harris' wife.
This event comes just months after Rep. Miles shot and wounded a man he claims was stealing copper wire from his home, he was not charged in the incident.
My question: is Miles hiring? Where do I email my resume? I would be a great capitol staffer/thug. As a policy wonk and a journey-level gangster I can analyze policy, shine shoes, and extort protection money out of shopkeeps, whatever it takes; plus I can provide my own gun and fedora. This could be the break I need to make it in politics/crime. Think about it Boris.

SNUFF FILM INDUSTRY UNAFFECTED BY WRITER'S STRIKE

2008-01-03T08:54:00.000-08:00

Helpless Victim Strike Goes Unnoticed

3 January, 2008 (Hollywood, CA): As the Writers Guild of America's strike, now entering its third month, brings work at television and film studios to a halt, audiences are now turning to alternative forms of entertainment. The snuff film industry, left untouched by the WGA work stoppage, is now seeing record growth.
One explanation is that the issue at the heart of the WGA's dispute, compensation for online media and DVDs, has not affected snuff films. According to an unnamed snuff film producer the industry avoids this area of contention because many films are only available in 8mm and are typically shown in private screenings.
"It's all about who gets the biggest slice of the pie," explained another unnamed spokesperson for the industry. "In the traditional film industry big name actors cost big bucks, as do good writers. Our industry cuts costs by relying heavily on improvisation. Also, the actors typically do only one film; in fact, some of our biggest stars are never seen again. Residuals are rarely an issue," he continued.
While the industry is on the rise, experts don't expect the trend to last. Bruno Kowalski - an undercover police officer inadvertently contacted online while investigating this story - was highly skeptical of sustained growth for the industry. "Their days are numbered you sick [expletive deleted]," stated Kowalski. Ultimately, the strike will end, as evidenced by the return of late night programming. But, as Jay Leno proved last night, there will always be a market for watching a person die on film.

Happy 2008!

2008-01-01T16:45:00.001-08:00

“New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” - Mark Twain

2007-12-18T14:38:00.000-08:00

The Right to Sever Arms

Last week, the British government outlawed the sale of samurai swords in a move that demonstrated the very same brand of despotism that led our own great nation to break away from the crown. The United Kingdom's Home Office made the move in response to a wave of recent crimes involving the weapons, including the murder of a member of parliament and a violent rampage that injured 11 in front of a Catholic church.
This should prove a very import point about gun control. A country that already outlawed most guns now has a sword epidemic. When will governments learn that they can't legislate away craziness. Samurai swords don't kill people, people with samurai swords do - very quietly.

Happy Repeal Day!

2007-12-05T11:28:00.001-08:00

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.” - Dean Martin

Cheers to 74 years of legal enjoyment.

TEEN'S DEATH SHOCKS FEW

2007-12-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

Friend: "It was bound to happen"

2 December, 2007 (Muncie, IN): One teen is a dead and a man is injured after a head-on collision early Sunday morning. Tiffany Geere (pictured) was found dead on the scene; the driver of the other vehicle was hospitalized and is listed in good condition. Police believe that Geere swerved her vehicle into oncoming traffic after becoming preoccupied with her iPhone.
The recovered iPhone reveals that Geere, 17, is the latest teen to fall victim to widely publicized, much hyped, teen-killing phenomena. The victim's web history indicates that Geere was using her iPhone to upload her address and social security number onto her MySpace site at the time of the collision. Text messages sent just minutes before the accident, presumably while the victim was driving, have led police to believe that Geere was on the way to meet a local sex offender. Additionally, a toxicology report found evidence of a plethora of prescription drugs and narcotics in the victim's system including, but not limited to, qualudes, oxycodone, ecstasy, vicodin, and "cheese", the latest teen drug sensation concocted from heroine and Tylenol PM.
Authorities believe Geere was wearing her seatbelt.
The apparent multiple causes of the accident were especially shocking to the victim's father, local TV anchorman Brian Geere. Geere is best known for his Local Emmy Award winning weekly segment "What's Killing Our Children," which has shed light on dangerous teen behaviors ranging from texting while driving to prescription drug abuse.

2007-11-08T14:27:00.001-08:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

Seventeen months and 26 Brett Favre interceptions have passed since my last post. While I was out the Democrats took power, North Korea got the bomb and Pluto was kicked out of the solar system. What a memorable and terrifying year. Who could forget where they were when they heard the news that Canada had defeated the United States 15-11 in the 2006 World Lacrosse Championship; marking only the second time the US failed to reach gold? As I've warned in the past, losing global sports hegemony will cost us our stature on the world stage.
However, it is a much more joyous and monumental occasion that has brought me out of hiatus. As first predicted here over two years ago, Brett Favre has shattered the all-time NFL record for interceptions thrown. Favre passed George Blanda's previous record of 277 in record time by reaching the record in just 17 seasons, compared to Blanda's 26. This is a historical occasion that is going widely unreported by the major media who continue to verbally fellate the aging QB on a weekly basis.
In the summer of 2005, I predicted [on a now defunct myspace blog]that Favre would break the record in 3 seasons. When OrGiveMeDeath got started the counter had Favre at 11th all-time. Now, at the halfway mark of the third season, OrGiveMeDeath has cemented its reputation as a premier prognosticator in the sports blogosphere. Who else could have had the keen insight to extrapolate basic statistical data to make a simple projection? Not ESPN. Not Sports Illustrated.
This development does raise a few questions about the blog's future. Is the counter still relevant? Yes. It stands as a tribute to the Ironman's accoplishment and also as a challenge to the Eli Mannings and Rex Grossmans of the world. One editorial decision I've come to after much soul searching is to refrain from writing a new headline story every time Brett Favre breaks his own interception record. While doing so would ensure new material for the foreseeable future, I've been told that it may get tiresome.
The final question is whether this event will end my hiatus indefinitely. At the time I abandoned this project like a bastard child it was at the top of the blogosphere with readership knocking on the dozens. Now, with single digit readership and motivation waning, where do we go from here? Blogs were so 2006 anyway, they're a passing fad and it's time to grow up America.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

Study: MOONLIGHT 15X MORE CANCEROUS THAN SUNLIGHT

2007-11-08T13:17:00.001-08:00

Lycanthropy remains disputed

8 November, 2007 (Boulder, CO): A new study by the University of Colorado's Center for Astrophysics and Space Astronomy (CASA) has found that moonlight poses a greater threat than sunlight but that the threat is diminished due to the moon's small size. According to the recent report, Your Moon and You: What You Didn't Know About the Moon, exposure to direct moon light greatly increases the risk of developing basal cell carcinoma (BCC), the most common form of skin cancer. However, the report also stated that the moon poses no threat due to it's small size, weak light and regular phases. Astronomer and moon-enthusiast Dr. Lon Endore summarized the findings by stating that the moon was the "daddy-long-legs of space." When asked to clarify, Dr. Endore said,"the daddy-long-legs has enough poison to kill you, but has fangs too small to deliver the poison, so too does the moon have enough energy to kill you, but sadly cannot."
Critics were quick to point out flaws in the study; namely, that moon the produces no light of its own. In an interview with NPR, Dr. Guy Cheney of CASA responded, "of course we know the moon makes no light, but it's like skiing bro. You get a worse sunburn from the snow than the sun, the moon is like the snow. Why do you think the Apollo astronauts wore those big suits?" Critics have yet to respond.

2007-06-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

CELEBRATING ONE YEAR ON HIATUS.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain

2006-10-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

2006-05-30T15:31:00.000-07:00

ON HIATUS

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson

2006-04-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

When I started this blog back in September I had two goals in mind: provide people with hard-hitting fake news and promote awareness of Brett Favre's poor performance and over-rated career. With these goals in mind I would just like to thank Brett Favre for keeping Or Give Me Death alive by staying in the league another season. Honestly, what would I do if I didn't have Favre's interceptions to keep track of? There's nothing that can replace the Favre INT Watch. Fearing an early retirement, I tried to work in the DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN, but it's just not the same. But thankfully, Brett's back and the counter is here to stay. I don't want to bring that baby down until he breaks the record - which he will.
Back in August, I predicted it would take 3 seasons for the Gunslinger to shatter the interception record but he shut me up by throwing a career-high, league leading 28 interceptions last year. Now he could easily break the record this year! Good hustle, Ironman, way to go the extra mile and prove me wrong. Finally, I've got a message for new Packers coach Mike McCarthy - I know all the Pack read the blog - Mike, Aaron Rodgers is a bust and if you bench Favre you're betraying Green Bay and a coward.

That's all America,
Hiro

2006-04-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

FRANKLIN MOUNTAIN GORILLA-MAN STRIKES AGAIN
Authorities baffled as search widens

28 April, 2006 (El Paso, TX): El Paso County Sheriff officials are searching the mountainous regions of north El Paso for what they believe might be a violent animal after the discovery of the second mountain-biker found dead in as many weeks. The unnamed biker was found dead, apparently beaten to death with his own arms, which were discovered approx. 300 yards from the body. Since January, four deaths and two injuries have already been attributed to the mystery assailant. In a statement to The El Paso Times, El Paso City-County Animal Regulation & Disease Control has denied reports of a wild primate on the loose in West and Northeast El Paso.
Sheriff officials are looking for what could be either a wild primate of some kind or a deranged, incredibly strong person in a gorilla costume. During a press conference early Thursday morning, regional Game Warden Bill Meyers said, "No man could inflict the damage we've seen, we've got an animal on our hands...I've seen this before." A spokesman from the Sheriff's Dept. was less convinced of the existence of a gorilla on the loose saying, "I think it would be best to wait until all the facts are in before making any grandiose assumptions about the existence of an El Paso 'bigfoot.'"
Or Give Me Death will continue to follow this story as it develops.

2006-04-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

CHARLES MANSON TO BE PAROLED IN 2007, NEW ALBUM ANNOUNCED
Reunion tour with Beach Boys in the works

17 April, 2006 (Marin County, California): Convicted murderer and former hippy cult leader Charles Manson will reportedly be released following his 2007 parole hearing. Sources inside the California Board of Prison Terms say that drastic improvements in Mr. Manson's behavior have led the Board to believe that the troubled folk singer is fit for release under strict observation.
The Board is said to have been moved by a recent letter sent to them by Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. Manson, who wrote the Beach Boys song Never Learn Not To Love, recently contacted Wilson after years of silence. Initially hesitant, Wilson became convinced after two years of correspondence that Manson had been rehabilitated. After a recent visit to San Quentin Prison, Wilson made it his mission to have Manson freed.
Charles Manson claims music is his "soul" and has been the key to his rehabilitation. In a recent hearing Manson said that if released he would "get back to his roots" as a folk singer and begin work on a studio album for Capitol Records. This will be his first release since the 1970 breakthrough album LIE: The Love And Terror Cult. Wilson is expected to produce a digitally remastered re-release of LIE as well as Manson's latest effort. Rumors of a Manson/Beach Boys tour have yet to be confirmed. Due to parole restrictions, however, any tour would have to be limited to California. The Coachella music festival has expressed interest.

“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.”
-Charles Manson

2006-04-09T22:32:00.000-07:00

ZOMBIE ELECTED MAYOR IN HAITI

9 April, 2006 (Les Cayes, Haiti): A man who gained notoriety as the "Zombie Man of Les Cayes" can now call the mayor's mansion home. Voters in a recent runoff election chose the alleged "zombie" to be the next mayor of Les Cayes. "Zombie Man" and mayor-elect Clairvius Piaf has repeatedly made the claim that he was zombified at the age of 19 and forced to work on a sugar plantation for three years.
Zombification has reportedly been practiced in Haiti for centuries. According to folklore and research conducted by anthropologists a mixture of toad skin and puffer fish poison is used to simulate death. After "dying" the victim is revived and then given a hallucinogene to create a mindless state.
Piaf was declared dead on May 1, 1985 and then reportedly resurrected within a month. Afterwards, he was forced into working on a sugar plantation without pay. After he had worked on the plantation in a supposed zombie-like state for three years his captors abandoned the plantation and its zombie day-laborers for unknown reasons. Upon achieving his freedom Piaf is said to have wondered thru southern Haiti for close to a year before snapping out of his zombie trance.
Piaf became a local legend as he traveled throughout Haiti telling of his ordeal. His autobiography, La Vie De Zombie, remains a best-seller in Haiti today. Over the past decade Piaf turned his popularity into political support and now looks to be a major player in Haitian politics.
Piaf does have a few detractors, however. Some of the mayor's political rivals have challenged Mr. Piaf's zombie claims. Then there are other rivals who are less skeptical of Piaf's zombie past who claim that Piaf is in fact still a zombie and under the control of corrupt party officials.

2006-03-22T23:03:00.000-08:00

PRESIDENT BUSH TO EMBARK ON ANTARCTIC EXPEDITION
Penguins to send envoy to Washington

22 March, 2006 (Washington, D.C.): Faced with slumping poll numbers, sectarian violence in Iraq, and faltering support within his own party, President Bush has announced plans for an expedition to Antarctica after he leaves office in 2009. Inspired by the one-hundredth anniversary of Republican President Theodore Roosevelt's post-presidency African safari in 1909, Bush will seek to make legacy for himself as he searches Antarctica for evidence of a global climate shift. "We're gonna get to the bottom of this global climate shift business," said the embattled president in a recent press conference.
It is unclear what the president hopes to find in Antarctica but sources close to the White House believe he will be searching for evidence of rising sea levels, holes in the ozone layer, and the possible whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. When asked if he believed that the Al Qaeda leader was hiding in Antarctica the president said, "Well, he's probably in the last place you'd think to look."
A recent CIA report as well as recovered letters from Saddam Hussein suggest that before the Iraq invasion the Russian military in conjunction with a Malaysian Al Qaeda cell helped Hussein move his weapons of mass destruction to the Russian research station of Moldezhnaya in the Australian claim of Antarctica. Sources in the Pentagon believe that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding in a "Fortress of Solitude" and operating terrorist training camps deep in the Antarctic desert. One official stated, "He's gotta be somewhere."

2006-03-13T00:18:00.000-08:00

The WBC: The True World Series
[Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Globalization]

As I - an Anglo-Irish-Japanese-American living in the Chihuahua Desert - drank my Mexican beer and watched the U.S. squeak past Team Japan in a Round 2 thriller in the World Baseball Classic, I couldn't help but be thankful for globalization. While the forces of free market capitalism will inevitably force economically inferior nations to compete with economic juggernauts like the United States & China, homogenize world culture, and destroy landmarks to make way for Wal-Marts; we can now enjoy the excitement of international baseball competition.
Unfortunately, the tournament has had its detractors and interest going into the event appeared low. Several stars decided to back out of the tournament to concentrate on the regular season and some owners like George Steinbrenner have criticized the event in the press. The lack of support for the event is likely to blame for low morale and the shameful defeat of the Americans at the hands of our socialist neighbors to the north. America may not be taking the event seriously but the other nations involved are. Team Japan has even called the tournament soft for employing a pitch count and a mercy rule. Japan, by the way, had their first two games against Chinese Taipei [China] and China [Red China] end early by mercy rule after they ran up the score in each. Team China was subsequently sent to the Gulag after their poor performance.
The surprise team is definitely Team Korea. Korea stunned the Pacific Rim with their upset victory over heavily favored Japan. Undefeated in Pool A, Korea moved on to the second round where they shocked Team Mexico in 2 - 1 victory. Most players in this tournament are playing for national pride. American Major League players play for fame and fortune but what do the Koreans play for? In a recent interview, the president of the Korean Baseball Organization, Shin Sang-woo, said that he had asked the Ministry of Defense and the Ministry of Culture and Tourism to release the players from their obligation to serve in the military if Korea makes it into the top four teams in the World Baseball Classic (1). In Korea, all males in good health must serve two years in the military. Exceptions are made, however, for athletes on the state team that win in international events such as the Olympics. Although it is still uncertain if they will be excused from service, they are still playing hard. It's truly do or die for Team Korea.
Despite our upset loss to Canada, Team USA can still win the whole thing. Should the United States break into the finals of the tournament they will play one of the many talented teams from Latin America. One potential contender is the Communist island nation of Cuba. Initially banned from the tournament, Cuba advanced to the second round and could threaten to win it all. A championship game between the United States and Cuba would be historic. The last battle of the Cold War will be fought on the diamond. If this is the outcome, I believe George Bush should offer Castro - whose son is a trainer for Team Cuba - a friendly wager: If Cuba wins the U.S. will pull out of Guantanamo Bay; if the United States wins Cuba will depose Castro and abandon Communism. That's seems like a reasonable bet.
America needs a victory in the World Baseball Classic. I fear that there has been a dangerous decline in America's sports hegemony since the U.S. came in a disgraceful third in Olympic basketball. We invented basketball and now the Argentinians have the title, are we going to allow foreigners - possibly Communist foreigners - to take baseball from us too? It's all downhill for America if we lose respect in the global sports community. Support the World Baseball Classic, democracy depends on it.

2006-02-26T00:50:00.000-08:00

God Bless Public Domain. Here is Reefer Madness in its entirety!

2006-02-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

Things I've Predicted

-VP shooting spree:

What I said:So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen. - 11/30/05

What Happened: Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

-Favre INTs:

What I said: Currently, Favre is 51 picks short of the record, based on his average he should reach the record in 3 seasons, will he stay in? Time will tell. - 8/17/05. [Let's not forget about the counter I've had since day one.]

What Happened: Brett Favre finished the season with a career high 29 interceptions as he surpassed greats like Dan Marino to become the number 6 all-time interception thrower.

-The NCAA Football National Championship:

What I Said: Texas will pull off the upset and get the national title for the first time since 1970. - 12/12/06

What Happened: Texas wins the Rose Bowl and the National Title - 1/4/06

-The World Series:

What I Said:But the Astros are moving on up and will hopefully play another "cursed" team, the Chicago White Sox. That's my prediction for this year: Sox and 'Stros. - 10/6/05

What Happened: The Astros defeated the Cardinals to advance to their first World Series. The White Sox advanced to their first World Series since 1919. I forget what happened after that.

-Gorillas:

What I Did: OrGiveMeDeath breaks the story: SHOCKING DISCOVERY IN THE HEART OF AFRICA - 9/27/05

What Happened: National Geographic breaks this story: Wild Gorillas Use Tools, Photos Reveal - 9/30/05

2006-02-21T16:39:00.000-08:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

Like a blazing comet that passes our way only once every four years, the heart-stopping excitement of international curling competition is back to spread it's unequivocal brilliance to a eager world. Curling? The hell you say! It's true, and as I don't need to tell you, these United States are in it to win it. We got a team of hardcore stoners - you know, the guys who slide the stone down the ice. These stoners have gold medal written all over them. Standing in the way of our American curling dream team are the terrors of the curling world, the mighty Finns. Finland's top stoner is a man as large as his name, 6' 1," Markku Uusipaavalniemi [pictured above]. Weighing in at an impressive 209 pounds, Uusipaavalniemi is nicknamed "U-15" for the number of letters in his surname as well as for the number of illegitimate children he is said to have fathered while on the notoriously wild Finnish curling tour. According to his bio, when this Bill Gates look-a-like isn't dominating the ice he's a self employed computer programmer. America is just a win over Canada and a win over Finland away from taking the gold in the Olympic event known to some as "chess on ice."
Moving on to the only other real reason to watch the winter Olympics, America's hockey performance this year borders on treason. How do you tie Latvia and then lose to Slovakia and Russia?!? The Soviet Union has had it's revenge. But we did get one of theirs in a 4 to 1 beat-down of hockey juggernaut, Kazakhstan. It wasn't the Red Army hockey squad of days past, but we beat the hell out of Trashcan-astan.
But the biggest sports story this month has come from the world of hunting where Dick Cheney blew America's safety record of 201 years without a vice presidential shooting incident. I'd just like to say thank you to Dick Cheney for reading the blog. As the Vice President and maybe three other readers know, I posted a blog in November on the subject of Vice Presidential shootings. In that blog I wrote, "So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen." Well, not to be outdone, Cheney has stepped up to my challenge and put himself in the Pantheon of interesting VPs. This incident proves once again how the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath will continue to influence world events; much like how Brett Favre stepped up to the challenge of my INT counter by throwing a career high, league leading amount of interceptions. Kudos to both of you, you're true American legends.
Finally, I would like to address a television ad I recently saw. In their new ads Guinness is encouraging responsible drinking during the "St. Patrick Day Season." St. Patrick Day Season? You mean I don't have to limit my enthusiasms for drinking and wearing green to one day? We have a season now? Hopefully we can take a cue from X-mas and stretch this bitch out for over a month; after all, it is the most wonderful time of the year.

Good luck and Go USA,
Hiro

2006-02-01T17:15:00.000-08:00

COCKFIGHT RAMPAGE KILLS TWELVE
¡Guárdese de los gallos peligrosos!

1 February, 2006 (Donaldsonville, Louisiana): Spectators were shocked when a scene of horrific violence erupted at the Ascension Parish Cockfight Arena late Monday night. Midway thru the main event - a much anticipated match between one undefeated gamecock named Coq Fantastique and a newcomer named Richie - the roosters appeared to lose interest in each other and turned their aggression and their claws on their handlers and the crowd.
One agitated fighting fowl, Richie, fatally clawed his owner's jugular and then proceeded to jump into the crowd. Excited by the hysteria that ensued, other gamecocks broke away from their handlers and attacked the fleeing spectators. In cockfighting - which is legal in Louisiana and New Mexico - spurs are attached to the claws of cocks to ensure a quick, humane fight. The spurs appeared to have been effective Monday night as many fatal wounds were inflicted by the cocks.
The event took an even deadlier turn when a fear-stricken, overzealous security guard began shooting at the birds with his .38 special revolver. The shots were painfully inaccurate and resulted in the deaths of two spectators.
This marks the second deadliest cockfighting related incident in Louisiana since 1814 when a riot broke out after then-General Andrew Jackson's prized cock, Rodolfo, lost in a match to Royal British Army General Sir Edward Pakenham's cock, Claudius. The riot claimed 2,107 lives and was later known as the Battle of New Orleans.

2006-01-21T21:42:00.000-08:00

MONSTER ISLAND BANNED FROM WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC
Worshipping Natives Outraged

21 January, 2006 (Tokyo, Japan): Despite initial opposition, the U.S. Treasury Department issued a license Friday allowing the communist, island nation of Cuba to participate in the World Baseball Classic. However, another island nation with a bad reputation will be watching the spring tournament from home. After joint opposition from Japan and the United States, Monster Island - mythical, radiated home to such monsters as Mothra and Godzilla - will not be invited to compete.
In a taped response, Monster Island spokesmonster, King Ghidra, was quoted as saying, "The US is afraid to take on our team. George Bush and [Japanese Prime Minister] Junichiro Koizumi are the real atomic monsters here."
The ban comes just weeks after Mothra, the Monster Island right fielder, was released from a AAA team in Oregon for testing positive for MGH, Monster Growth Hormone.
Godzilla could not be reached for comment.

2006-01-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

JONES TO MOVE COWBOYS TO PECOS

20 January, 2006 (Arlington, Texas): After hitting a roadblock in negotiations with the city of Arlington over a new stadium, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has struck a deal to move America's Team to the tiny Texas town of Pecos in the heart of the West Texas badlands. Jones cited remarkably cheap property and ample sunshine as the major incentives for the move.
Sources close to Jones have denied rumors that the eccentric owner has recently lost the use of his leg and has succumbed to madness after contracting gangrene while on a hunting trip last fall.
While those in the Cowboy's front office remain confident that their fearless leader has not lost his mind, a Cowboys spokesperson assured the Dallas press that the move had yet to be finalized and that Jones, despite all outward appearances, is in perfect mental health.

2005-12-22T00:20:00.000-08:00

The True Meaning of X-Mas
an editorial

Suicides are up, the economy's booming, and nauseating music and TV specials are polluting the air-waves; it must be Christmas. Every year America takes time to reflect on the birth of the one true Son of God and spread His message of peace and joy throughout the world. Coincidentally, America also takes this time to waste money on gifts we don't need and get piss-drunk on egg nog and champagne all under the social protections of the "Holiday Season." But what if you're like me and are destined to be cast into the lake of fire because you may question the divinity of the King of Kings? Do we still celebrate Christmas? If we say "happy holidays" are we doomed to rot in hell? These questions got me down on Christmas - or X-Mas for us good consumers who put our theological dilemmas on hold to rejoice in Annual Gift Day - and I started thinking it would be appropriate to take some time and look at the true meaning of X-Mas.
Everybody knows that this is a Christian country and Christmas is American as apple pie and preemptive strikes. Or is it? The pilgrims, those symbols of our other great American holiday, were actually against Christmas. The puritans in Boston outlawed the holiday until 1681 and fined five shillings to those who were caught celebrating it. Seeing the Christmas as overtly British, our founding fathers also rejected it. Congress was actually in session on Christmas Day thru most of the 19th century, Christmas didn't become a federal holiday until 1870.
So what if visions of sugar-plums never danced in the heads of our founders? The holiday is still an essential part of Christianity right? Not exactly. Christmas was not on the official list of Christian feasts until well into the 4th century A.D. Christmas as a holiday actually comes from the Roman holiday of Saturnalia, a festival celebrating Saturn, god of agriculture. Saturnalia ran from December 17 thru the winter solstice, which was December 25th by the Julian calendar. When the Empire was converted to Christianity, the holiday merged with Christmas so people could still party pagan style and honor the baby Jesus.
But how did Christmas become king of holidays today? Well, the baby Jesus gives me a thrill, but the baby Jesus don't pay my bills; X-Mas is all about Money. Christmas could come without packages, boxes or bags; but we'd all suffer. Much like war, the American economy is boosted by X-Mas. There truly is a Military-Industrial-Christmas Complex that fuels our economy. In 2002, toy sales alone put $30.6 billion into the economy, according to the Census Bureau. Travel goes up, movie ticket sales are at levels topped only by summer time sales, and retailers make close to 60% of their annual profits all during the holiday season. The Friday after Thanksgiving has even become known as "Black Friday" because it's the first day most retailers see profits and move into the black. If the Grinch did manage to steal Christmas he'd sink the American economy.
Maybe all societies dating back to the Romans need an annual gift day, but why Christmas? Millions of people across this country celebrate X-Mas each year but don't go to church. Some people have even become convinced that the true meaning of Christmas has nothing to do with Jesus. How can so many otherwise rational people believe something as stupid as Christ has nothing to do with Christmas? At some subconscious level they all must say, "fuck it, we like presents."
Over the past century, Hollywood and retailers have tried to push Jesus out of the holiday using Santa and presents. But there must have been some magic in that old thorn hat he wore, because Jesus keeps fighting his way back into the holiday. Despite the commercial corruption of Christmas, it's still a damn powerful recruitment tool for the Christians. Let's see how much your kids love you when all their Christian - or at least reasonably Christian enough to celebrate the holiday - friends have the new X-Box while all your kids get is a valuable lesson about why it's wrong to celebrate something you don't believe in. In a way Christmas turns each year into a microcosm of the life of a good Christian: do whatever the hell you feel like doing all year until November rolls around and then start being nice for the sweet rewards at the end.
As long as people like presents and retailers like profits, X-Mas is going to stick around and stay commercial. But people sharing in the joy of the season should face the facts: Christmas has become a capitalist perversion of a holiday that never really mattered to Christians in the first place, the holiday is largely based on myths created by Coca-Cola and Montgomery Wards - i.e. Santa and Rudolph - and the baby Jesus was more than likely black.

Happy New Year,
Hiro

2005-12-12T12:50:00.000-08:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

It’s been a while since the last sports piece, but I’ve been very busy. As my close friends and family already know, every December I travel to Nepal to take part in the annual World Elephant Polo tournament. Since 2001, I had made a name for myself as rising star in the cut-throat world of elephant polo. The U.S. doesn’t field a team, so I’ve been sort of a ringer for Scotland’s team. However, due to an unfortunate incident during the 2004 tournament I was unable to compete this year. My Nepali was a little rusty and I unintentionally insulted my mahout, or elephant driver, during the final chukka. Soon after my faux-pa, I was thrown from to the ground where I narrowly escaped a trampling at the hands of an angry elephant guided by one pissed off Hindu. This year, the 13th Duke of Argyll, captain of the Scotch team, didn’t invite me back so I was forced to cover the event rather than participate. Sure enough, the Scots won the tourney.
As you’re reading this, I’m already preparing for my comeback in next month’s King’s Cup in Thailand. Life is good in the elephant polo community. Midnight drinks in Sri Lanka, trashed hotels in Bangkok, and endless weekends spent carousing with the jet-set aristocracies of the Far East and Europe all paint the rich tapestry that is life as an elephant polo star. The fast paced world of the true Sport of Kings may beckon me to the Orient, but the simple life back in Texas will always call me home.
Getting to real sports, the Rose Bowl should prove to be historic. Hopefully Texas will pull off the upset and get the national title for the first time since 1970. Unlike last years ugly rout of OU by USC, this year the team playing USC might show up. USC needs to watch out for Vince Young and the high-powered Texas offense, and whoever marries Reggie Bush needs to watch out too, landside victories in the Heisman race and record stats as a USC running back can be a bad combination, I’m looking at you O. J.
Finally, it may be late but I have to say something about Michael Irvin. Irvin, who was indefensibly overlooked in last year’s hall of fame selections, was caught with a pipe in his car. The Playmaker claimed that it was a friend's and I believe him, but that’s not the point. The real issue here is that this shouldn’t be a big deal. Michael Irvin continues to get a bad wrap by the media after all these years. If the golden boy Tom Brady was caught with a pipe I guaran-damn-tee you that media would be questioning marijuana laws and saying things like, “maybe it’s time we rethink these laws.” But when Irvin gets in trouble people start asking, “Has Michael Irvin fallen off the wagon?” It’s hypocrisy and it’s racist; just like marijuana laws. I could go on and on...

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

2005-12-05T23:13:00.000-08:00

We Can Be Heroes
an editorial

History shows again and again
How nature points up the folly of men
- BOC

Godzilla [not to be confused with the non-fire-breathing, retarded lizard from an American movie of the same name] began in post-war Japan as a scathing commentary on the folly of nuclear weapons and the menacing giant of the United States. The character went on to become a hero who saved Tokyo from goofy looking villains from Monster Island or outer-space often at the cost of many lives and millions of yen in property damage.
This reluctant hero embodied everything a person could hope to be. Large and in charge, Godzilla exerted his will on any situation. There was no Japanese defense unit too big, no radioactive monster too crazy to keep the King of Monsters down. Godzilla would always prevail, and the scientist and the little kid always knew it.
Godzilla may have best displayed his heroics as a strong role model for kids. What Godzilla movie would be complete without the kid that some how understands the gentle monster? The radioactive legend continued his work as a role model on the 1970s Hanna-Barbera cartoon show, the aptly titled "Godzilla." In both the American cartoon and the Japanese movies, Godzilla becomes a dad and shows that even monsters can be good father figures.
In terms of film, the original Godzilla series represents groundbreaking cinema. Hollywood, in typical fashion, attempted to co-opt the Godzilla franchise in the 1990s, resulting in the biggest bomb since the two that inspired the original film. But Japan struck back with Godzilla 2000 and proved that millions of dollars worth of special effects can't beat a rubber suit and a detailed, scale model of Tokyo.
So now, as America prepares for the new incarnation of King Kong, let's take time to remember when film needed a little imagination on the part of the viewer to work. Try to remember the days when models were made out of plastic, not polygons. But most of all, when it seems like life's got you caught up in power lines as it shoots you with tiny rockets, take a lesson from Godzilla and remember: you can gain strength from those power lines and use it to enhance your radioactive powers.

Good luck and Go Go Godzilla,
Hiro

2005-11-30T21:22:00.000-08:00

We Can Be Heroes
an editorial

Number two in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

You know Washington, Jefferson, Franklin and Adams; but do you recall the most infamous founding father of them all? Aaron Burr is the most compelling figure in ealry American history, in my humble opinion. As we all learned from a milk commercial in the 1990s, Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel. But Burr was much more than a murderer, he was also the most interesting Vice President in American history.
Long before his infamous duel, Burr was a war hero in the Revolution. Before the Battle of Quebec, Burr disguised himself as a Catholic Priest to sneak across British lines and into Montreal. Later in the war, Burr was said to have saved an entire brigade from capture. Ironically, Hamilton was an officer in that very brigade.
Burr made a name for him in politics and became Vice President after losing to Jefferson in an election that was decided by the House of Representatives after a tie in the Electoral College. After becoming VP, Aaron Burr seemingly slipped into madness; possibly as a result of a stroke he suffered during the war from which he never fully recovered.
It was during his term as VP that the famous duel with Hamilton took place. Hamilton had been talking jive all over town about Burr. Some alleged that Hamilton accused Burr of sleeping with his own daughter. Deeply insulted, Burr demanded that Hamilton take back all insults against his character. When Hamilton refused, Burr decided to man up and challenge Hamilton to a duel under the formal
On the day of the duel, Hamilton decided that he wouldn't fire. Burr obviously didn't. As planned, Hamilton never fired but Burr shot him anyway, fatally damaging his liver. When Burr learned that Hamilton never planned to fire he was quoted as saying, "Contemptable, if true."
After the incident, Burr was charged with murder in New York and New Jersey but was never tried. He fled to South Carolina but returned to Washington D.C. to finish his term as Vice President. Nobody seemed to mind that the Vice President had murdered the former Secretary of Treasury and business went on as usual. Oddly enough, Burr was not asked to serve a second term.
This may seem dry and boring, but consider how insane this would be if it happened today. Imagine if Dick Cheney shot and killed former Secretary of Treasury Robert Rubin and then went right back to work without being tried; what would the media say? But Aaron Burr wouldn't stop with murder, he moved on to treason.
Out of power, broke, and exiled from his home state of New Jersey; Burr went west and got involved in some risky business. Exactly what treasonous scheme he was planning is still uncertain but some claim he was conspiring with a U.S. General on the take with the Spanish to build a new nation in the south and in Texas. Burr purchased large tracts of land in the southern territories of the U.S. and worked with land owners and foreigners to allegedly build a Latin American Empire to rival the United States.
President Jefferson issued a proclamation for Burr's arrest on the charge of treason. Taking the high road, Burr turned himself in to authorities. After an apparent change of heart, Burr jumped bail and fled for Spanish Florida but was captured in Alabama. But the man couldn't keep Burr down; he was acquitted twice on technicalities.
Imagine, once again, our Vice President trying to pull this off. Could he leave office, finance a coup, and then be acquitted? Well, that one may not be so far fetched.
Burr continued his scheming well into old age. At the age of 77, he married a rich widow but after four months, when found out that she wouldn't be inheriting as much as he had anticipated, he left her. On the month of their first anniversary, Burr's wife sued him for divorce. The divorce was granted on the day of Burr's death and in a cruel, ironic twist of fate, Burr was served his divorce papers on his death bed by none other than the son of Alexander Hamilton. A bitter end to a life dedicated to infamy.
Aaron Burr, to me, is an American original. He takes me back to a simpler time when politicians were respected men in the community and could do wrong; a time before corruption and partisan politics destroyed our trust in government. So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen.

2005-11-25T23:11:00.000-08:00

We Can Be Heroes
An editorial

This is the first in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

Looking back on early childhood, my first heroes were the Ghostbusters. They wore cool suits, swore, smoked, and shot fire rays at funny ghosts that ate Cheetos. Of all the Ghostbusters, my hero has to be Egon Spengler. Widely regarded as the brainy Ghostbuster, few realize that Egon was in fact the ballsiest, craziest member of the team. Why you ask? For the answer to that question let's begin by looking at E=mc^2.
According to E=mc^2, energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. Now, if you take one's mass and multiply it by the speed of light squared [8.98755179 x 1016 m^2 / s^2], which is a lot, you come up with the amount of energy one would give off if their atoms were converted into energy. An average sized human would wipe out North America if they were able to convert their mass into energy.
Now back to Egon. Early in the film, Egon warns Venkman and Stanz not to cross the streams. "Imagine," he said, "all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." Essentially, crossing the streams would convert one's mass into energy, thus wiping out the country.
Later, when confronted by Zuul, Egon suggests crossing the streams in order to send Zuul back to her dimension. Egon says of the plan, "There's definitely a very slim chance we'll survive." Being a scientist, he must have known the consequences of having one's molecules explode at the speed of light. Egon put the lives of everyone on the planet in jeopardy to defeat Zuul, which makes him by far the most insane Ghostbuster. He knew that it was us or her; he'd take her out or blow everything up trying.
Egon Spengler represents the type of bold men of action that served as role model that young Americans desperately needed in the 1980s. I hope that this has somehow changed the way you think about Egon Spengler, if you think about him at all.

Next Time: Aaron Burr

2005-11-22T00:37:00.000-08:00

DRUNKEN SECURITY GUARD FOILS HEIST

21 November, 2005 (Boise, Idaho): Two would-be thieves are in police custody today after their attempted robbery of the Boise Museum of Art was foiled by an allegedly drunken security guard armed with a make-shift Molotov cocktail. Brian Fitzpatrick, the night security guard, was allegedly intoxicated at his post late Sunday night when he noticed his video surveillance screens had gone out. As Fitzpatrick left the security center to patrol the museum, he saw two men
making-off with an undisclosed amount of paintings.
Unable to catch the burglars in the museum, Fitzpatrick ran outside only to find the bandits escaping in a getaway car. Reacting quickly, despite his inebriated state, the night watchman reached for his bottle of John Jameson & Son Irish Whiskey, his handkerchief and his lighter and hurled a Molotov cocktail at the getaway car. The cocktail exploded as it slammed into the driver-side window, stunning the driver. The suspected thief then lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a parked car. After the crash, Fitzpatrick approached the vehicle, pistol drawn, and apprehended both suspects.
Police arrived later to take the suspected burglars into custody and file a report on the incident. A spokesperson for the museum said they were happy the art was returned undamaged and that the robbery was stopped but stopped short of congratulating Mr. Fitzpatrick.
The museum denounced the actions of Fitzpatrick and has placed him on paid suspension until an investigation into the incident is complete. This is not the first time the guard has been reprimanded by the museum; Fitzpatrick was cited in 2003 for sleeping on the job while allegedly drunk.

2005-11-18T13:18:00.001-08:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

As the fourth quarter came to a close in Monday night's Dallas-Philadelphia matchup I thought to myself it was time to get out of the football picks business. Four out of five of my picks went the wrong way over the weekend and I was facing my first 0-5 week ever. But that all changed thanks to the demigod-like talent of Dallas safety Roy Williams. His interception helped the Cowboys and me pull out a last second victory. Dallas once again proved that they are America's team and, like America, will always prevail in the face of evil, especially the evil that is the Philadelphia Eagles. However, like America, the Cowboys probably peaked in the 1990s.
The game to watch this week is definitely Dallas vs. Detroit. Roy Williams vs. Roy Williams. Last year Detroit's Roy got the injury bug and America was deprived of the match up, but this year it should be worth the watch. Roy Williams (Dallas) is coming off a game winning INT, while Odessa, Texas' own Roy Williams caught three touchdown passes, a career high. I'm conflicted on this game, but I'm going with Dallas. I do expect Roy to have a good day, maybe a TD or two, but he can't do everything for Detroit and Dallas is the better overall team. And let's not forget, they're going to be in the Super Bowl.
In other NFL action, the Bucs are going to Atlanta this week and although Tampa has historically had Vick's number, I'm going with the Falcons. Clearly, the only reason the Falcons lost Green Bay was because they were looking past the Packers to the Tampa game; now that game is here. The Jets will shock the world with an upset over Denver. Although the trendy pick Cinncy over Indy, I don't see it. The Colts will lose this year, but it'll be against a team no one sees coming like Jaguars or the Titans. Finally, Houston looks like they're ready for a win and Kansas City looks like they're ready for a loss; Texans over Chiefs.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

2005-11-14T23:29:00.000-08:00

ELVIS IMPERSONATOR KILLED BY METEORITE

14 November, 2005 (Laughlin, Nevada) The smoldering remains of what once was a living tribute to Elvis Presley were found just yards away from the entrance to the casino where the faux King of Rock 'n' Roll once worked. Henry Muskie, 37, was the only victim of this beyond freak accident. While very little damage was inflicted on the parking lot, Muskie's remains were virtually liquefied. Investigators on the scene were only able to recover Muskie's arms and a few teeth.
As Muskie left work early Monday morning, a fireball about the size of a watermelon crashed to Earth killing the entertainer. Security cameras confirmed this to be the first fatality in the United States caused by a celestial object falling to Earth. Only one person witnessed the historic, yet deadly event. Security guard Leroy Jenkins said he saw a streak of fire shoot down from the sky at an incredible speed and land right on Muskie as he left the casino. "All of the sudden I heard this loud roaring sound and looked out to see a fireball kill Elvis," said Jenkins.
Scientists estimate the odds of being struck by a meteorite at 10 trillion to one. This was not the first time Muskie defied the odds. Over the weekend, Muskie won $12,000 in a poker tournament after being dealt a royal flush. The odds on a royal flush are 649,750 to 1.

2005-11-10T22:14:00.000-08:00

LENIN'S CORPSE STOLEN!

10 November, 2005 (Moscow, Russia): Moscow residents are stunned today after a daring, daylight attack on the Lenin Mausoleum left four policemen dead and the corpse of the former Soviet leader missing. Hard-line Communists have been up in arms about the recently proposed removal of their beloved deceased dictator and now the debate takes a new turn as the whereabouts of the mummified body is unknown.
A communist separatist group calling themselves the Red Army Liberation Front (RALF) claimed responsibility for the raid in a taped statement delivered to the media. The RALF said it plans to resurrect the fallen leader so that Lenin may usher in a new era of Soviet rule. The tape made no mention of how the group will wake Lenin from his 81 year sleep but assured viewers that a communist revolution is at hand.

2005-11-10T21:07:00.000-08:00

PRIEST PERFORMS EXORCISM ON CAT

9 November, 2005 (Comstock, TX): Police and ASPCA officials are investigating allegations of animal abuse after a retired priest performed an exorcism on his cat, Gerald. Former Catholic priest, Anthony DiLuglio, 78, claims his cat had become possessed by the devil in recent weeks and needed the controversial procedure.
Police arrived at DiLuglio's residence early Monday morning after receiving reports of strange noises coming from the house. Neighbors called police after becoming concerned for the health of Mr. DiLuglio's cat. One neighbor, who chose to remain anonymous, said the cat appeared to be malnourished.
Father DiLuglio claimed that the cat had contracted a demon. DiLuglio told police that the cat had refused to eat for close to a month and exhibited bizarre behavior. "That cat damn near killed my dog," DiLuglio said, "He might have killed me if I hadn't done something." The retired priest went on to claim that the cat killed all 6 of his fish, blinded his dog in a vicious attack, raised a mouse from the dead, and walked on the ceiling on multiple occasions. "I seen that cat playing with a dead mouse I'd killed with a trap and then all of the sudden that mouse was running around with that Lucifer cat."
Fearing for his life, Father DiLuglio turned to a controversial practice, the exorcism. "In all my years I'd never seen a possession, but I knew this was the Devil." DiLuglio allegedly tied the cat down and performed the ritual on the feline for close to six hours. When police arrived on the scene they found an exhausted DiLuglio and a passed out cat. The cat was malnourished but showed no signs of abuse. DiLuglio was arrested on charges of criminal neglect. The cat has been taken to a local ASPCA shelter where it will be treated and eventually adopted or euthanized.

2005-11-10T14:25:00.000-08:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

The Cowboys were off last week and so was I, but I'm back with my outrageous picks. The Boys will face the beleaguered Eagles on a Monday night match that should be worth watching. As always I'll be taking the Cowboys in this one. The Eagles are struggling, coming up just short of a Super Bowl trophy so many years in a row has taken its toll on McNabb and company. T.O. may never play in Philly again; and based on his attitude, he may not play anywhere ever again. The Eagles are finished and it's a good day to be a Cowboys fan.
Brooks Bollinger is the new star in New York. Quarterback and AARP spokesman, Vinny Testeverde went out last week, totally blowing my predictions about his future and leaving Bollinger in charge of the sinking ship that is the New York Jets. Bollinger seems like a good fit for NY. Not only did Bollinger have a few impressive drives last week but he also passed Chad Pennington as the quarterback with the whitest name in the NFL. Don't snooze on Bolly, though, he had some impressive rushing stats at Wisconsin and is probably the best scrambling qb on the Jet's depth chart. Expect the Jets to beat Carolina in an upset that will make Bollinger the hot topic of the week. In other games, I'm once again picking Houston to upset Indy, it's just too perfect. Manning and the Colts are still celebrating the win in Foxboro and will snooze on the Texans. I see the Brownies upsetting Pittsburgh on national TV, Sunday night. Finally, Atlanta will take down the beat-up Packers as Favre continues to tear up the record books on his quest to be the most picked-off QB ever.
Moving away from football, the greatest quadrennial sporting event is only 90 days away; of course I'm referring to Olympic Hockey. I'm hoping our boys show those Canadians a thing or two about how to play hockey, they have no place in the sport. Who needs the NHL? International hockey is much more compelling.
Well, that's all I got on sports this week.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

2005-11-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

More Monkey Mayhem
a follow up

As first reported by this source several weeks ago, gorillas have grown increasingly intelligent and pose the greatest threat to global human supremacy. Shortly after this blog broke the hard-hitting, and absolutely real story about gorillas using guns, the liberal media began reporting a more p.c. story about gorillas and simple tool use. [Wild Gorillas Use Tools, Photos Reveal] Regardless of whether these apes are using sticks or assault rifles, gorilla intelligence is a menace to decent human society.
Still not convinced? More recently, gorillas have been reported as gaining access to the most dangerous weapon against civilization: reality TV. Reuters has reported that gorillas will soon star in their own reality show on Czech public television. [New reality show with gorillas]
The east-coast, liberal intelligentsia would have you believe that animals are our cuddly friends complete with personalities, feelings, and souls. However, in the wake of endless shark, bee, bear and bobcat attacks and the growing intelligence of gorillas it has become easy to see what our ancestors have known for many millennia, animals are to be feared, eaten, and worn. As gorillas begin to question their role as the number two primate on the planet they could grow subversive to our American way of life. Should they ever decide to rise up against their more successful primate cousin we will be no match for their massive ape strength. Well, in all honesty, only a couple zookeepers would be mauled before the gorillas are shot to death by zoo security; but are we willing to risk one human life?
You can help win the war for human existence by contacting your local butcher shop or deli. Don't be fooled by the ultra-hip, vegetarian elite that plague our college campuses, they are only weakening our species with their meat substitutes. When the animal revolution comes mankind may be too anemic and weak to fend off the waves of bees and gorillas.

2005-10-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

The fix is in!  Looks like not much has changed since 1919; a global flu epidemic is threatening mankind and the White Sox are fixing World Series games.  This year’s Series [and possibly last year’s] is clearly the result of a conspiracy to divert attention from the steroid scandal and struggling ratings.  Major League Baseball in conjunction with the Chicago mob clearly paid off the umps and possibly Astro reliever Ezequiel Astacio.  Look no further than the bad call in game 2 when Wheeler’s pitch allegedly hit White Sox hitter Jermaine Dye while the video shows the ball clearly hit the bat, not Dye.  That shitty call set up Paul Konerko's grand slam!  What are the odds that two cursed Sox teams sweep consecutive World Series?  A Vietnamese fisherman without a nose can tell that something stinks here.
Major League Baseball has been on a steady decline in recent years and now they’re desperate for ratings.  The steroids scandal and the league’s ineffectiveness on the issue have dominated baseball headlines for a couple years now and the league needs good stories.  So what do they do?  They conspire with the Illuminati to fix the World Series for the Red Sox and then they team up with the Chicago mob to fix it for the White Sox.  Unfortunately for us loyal Astros fans in the Great State of Texas, the elitist, East Coast, liberal media outfits are quick to jump on the Sox bandwagons and make them their media darlings.  Is it any coincidence that Bush 41 happens to be an Astro’s fan and Texas and Missouri happen to be red states?  Clearly, a cabal between the liberal media, MLB, the Illuminati [possibly reptile people] and the Chicago mob are fixing these games.  Not to worry, this story will be broken wide open by the bastion of investigative journalism, the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath.

In other news,

My football picks were so terrible that any further discussion of them would only serve to shame my family.  This week I’m hoping to turn it around.  Helping me turning it around is the fact that I don’t have to count the Jets this week; they have a bye.  The Lions and their new front man, San Francisco socialite Jeff Garcia, should upend the Bears in that tough NFC North.  The Texans will finally come up with a win against the Brownies.  America’s last surviving Spanish American War vet and Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs will test his hated Redskins against the New York Football Giants in a crucial NFC East game and win.  The once and future NFC East champion Dallas Cowboys will defeat the New Look Cardinals in a blow out.  Hopefully, the Anti-Catholic, Free Mason led conspiracy that has been fixing Saints games will give them a break this week and they’ll beat the Dolphins.  Well, that’s all for this week, hopefully my prognosticating powers will return next week.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

2005-10-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

MASKED VIGILANTE SHOT DEAD

25 October, 2005 (Scottsdale, Arizona): An Arizona man is dead today after what appears to have been a botched rescue attempt. Local sporting goods retailer and tattoo enthusiast Jacob Krebs, 26, was found dead in a parking lot early Tuesday morning. According to eye witness and mugging victim Harriet Mann, Krebs was shot late Monday night as he attempted to rescue Mann from a mugging.
Mann described what happened in a statement from her hospital bed where she is recovering from injuries sustained during the incident. "I was heading to my car late after work when this man in a mask came out from the dark," Mann said, "he told me to give him all my money or he'd shoot me." Mann went on to say that as the man reached for his gun a second masked man leaped down from a near by rooftop. "This man come leapin' off this roof like some kinda ninja man and hit his ankle hard and took a spill." The second man was Jacob Krebs.
Krebs' body was found dressed in a ninja style outfit with some body armor. The outfit apparently had a reptile theme that matched tattoos on Krebs' arms. Krebs was armed with several darts with rat poison on the tips and a police baton.
Krebs suffered a broken ankle from the aerobatic leap off the rooftop. Mann went on to say that, "after that guy jumped off that roof and hurt himself that mugger just laughed and laughed." Amused by the would be hero's leap, the mugger proceeded to shoot Krebs once in the forehead and then put the fatal shot into his throat.
Unfortunately for Mann, as her would be rescuer lay dead on the pavement the mugger proceeded to shoot her in the leg and then beat her relentlessly and steal her purse. This appeared to be Krebs' first attempt at crime fighting. No witnesses in the Scottsdale area have recently reported a reptile like ninja saving their lives or preventing crime; nor have any criminals recently been captured or detained by a masked vigilante. Scottsdale officials are urging people not to take justice into their own hands. The mugger has yet to be captured.

2005-10-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

Well, well, well; looks like I'm not so crazy and stupid after all. As the four people who read this blog might already know, I predicted back at the beginning of the playoffs that the World Series would be between the Astros and White Sox. So, football picks not withstanding, it appears I can see the future. At the time I also said the World Series would go seven games. After the Astros performance in the NLCS I'm not sure if they will go seven, five or six seems more likely. Either way, I'm sticking with Houston to win it all.
Moving to the NFL, my picks didn't do so well this past weekend. I'm 5-5 on the year (that's .500!). The officials robbed me and New Orleans of a win over the Falcons. The Jets stumbled, but they'll be back this week. The Cowboys are looking good, they're #1 in the NFC East and have got their eyes on the prize. I'm still calling a Jets-Cowboys Super Bowl, but lightning probably won't strike twice and I'll likely miss that prediction. Colts-Cowboys seems somewhat likely; it would be a rematch of Super Bowl V where the Colts beat the Cowboys by a last second field goal.
This week I'm going to keep doing what I do every week, I'm picking Dallas and New York to both win their games. Dallas' D should shut down the mighty Seattle offense. The Jets will shock the world Monday night against Atlanta. I like San Diego to beat the Eagles and Oakland to beat Buffalo. Finally, 0-5 Houston is taking on 6-0 Indianapolis. How can I resist? I'm calling Houston to pull off the upset of the year. Houston is a city of dreams this year and I'm getting in on the ground floor on this miracle.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

2005-10-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

DOMESTIC ROBOT KILLS CAT

18 OCTOBER, 2005 (Elwood, Indiana): Doris Rosenthal and her nine-year-old daughter Rachel Rosenthal were horrified by a disturbing discovery they made upon returning Monday afternoon. Rachel opened the door to their suburban home to find the family cat, Buckley, lying motionless on the floor, bent in half. Doris quickly called the local ASPCA authorities. After an extensive investigation it was ruled that the culprit was most likely the family's domestic robot, the UNTVL VI. Investigators found no signs of forced entry and concluded that only the robot was with the cat. Contributing to this conclusion was the fact that only a robot could mangle the cat in such a fashion.
The Rosenthal family purchased the UNTVL VI for $45,000 from an online Japanese company. The UNTVL VI domestic robot is a semi-android that can be programmed to perform various household chores. This particular UNTVL VI was set to pick up children's toys and do other various cleaning functions automatically while the family was away.
No one is sure what drove the android to kill the cat. Some have speculated that the cat might have been mistaken for a toy. However, had that been the case the cat would have more likely been discovered neatly put away with the children's toys. One ASPCA officer discovered claw marks on the android suggesting that the cat had used the domestic servant for a scratching post for some time. Perhaps the android felt threatened or had simply had enough.
Artificial intelligence behavior expert Dr. Tim Asimov is baffled by this event. Dr. Asimov is quick to dismiss claims that the android was angered by the cat. "No robot built today has the capacity to feel anger, they only do what they are programmed to do." said Dr Asimov. Asimov blames faulty programming but went on to suggest that maybe someone in the family with malice towards the cat programmed the android to do the deed. The dog has not been questioned.

2005-10-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

After this past week in football, all the talk was about a certain Jets quarterback that was thought to be done. If I recall, I do believe this news outlet had that story three days in advance. Yes, it was a good week for my picks. The two games I got wrong were each decided by last second field goals, but I suppose close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and thermonuclear bombs. The Falcons might have won if Vick had played; but if the Queen had balls she be King. In baseball, I stand by my Astros/Sox World Series. Let's not forget I made that call before the NLDS and ALDS had been decided.
Since showing off is bad Karma, I'll move on. This week my five picks are as follows: Since the Falcons let me down I'm picking the Saints to upset them in the Great State of Texas. Tampa will go on a two game skid and fall to the Dolphins. Vinny and the Jets should keep it rolling against the Bills. Dallas will come up with a big win against the Giants and continue on their path to the Super Bowl match against the Jets. Finally, I still hate the Patriots so I expect them to lose against the surprisingly 4-1 Broncos.
In other great sports news, ESPN is reporting that the 1994 beat-down of Nancy Kerrigan by Harding backed goons will be made into an opera. [Harding-Kerrigan saga becomes opera]This insane story has led me to begin work on my own thrilling sports opera: "He Did What?!?: The Leon Lett Story." This will be a truly great opera that will tell the tale of how a key piece of one of the greatest defenses of all time let himself and the county down not once, but two times earning himself the nickname "Leon Lett-down." As you may recall, during the closing minutes of Super Bowl XXVII Leon Lett came up with a fumble and ran it all the way back but fumbled the ball just short of the end-zone when he extended the ball in celebration only to have it knocked out of his hand. A second "Lett-down" came in a Thanksgiving Day game against Miami where he botched a blocked field goal costing America's Team the game. Lett's story is a story of perseverance and the cruelty of Karma.
The opera itself will be a rock opera most likely. I'm going to be drawing on Queen and the Who for inspiration. Expect it in a theatre near you sometime around summer 2015.

Good luck and Go USA,
Hiro

2005-10-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

JAPANESE CORPORATION UNVEILS BREAKTHROUGH ENERGY PLAN

10 October, 2005 (Tokyo): With gas prices skyrocketing worldwide and oil reserves dwindling, several corporations are desperately seeking to find a renewable energy source to replace petroleum. The Ghidra Corporation of Japan believes it has discovered a solution for the world's energy woes. This week, CEO Jiro Mizutani unveiled a new plan that he says "will cover Japan's energy needs for centuries to come." What makes this new plan so shocking is that it uses the oldest commercial oil known to man: whale oil.
Pending governmental approval, the Ghirda Corporation intends to build large containment nets in the Sea of Japan in order to breed "farm raised" whales. Chief engineer on the project, Katsuhiro Noma, compares the proposed apparatus to large scale fish farms and believes that several hundred whales can be bred within 5 years. Also contributing to the project is one of Japan's leading authorities on bio-engineering, Susumu Otomo. Otomo has developed plans to clone whales for faster reproduction and genetically modifying the whales to yield more oil.
Whale oil was the first animal or mineral oil to be sold commercially and has been historically used for everything from soap production to lamp oil. Using new technology, the Ghidra Corp. believes that it can modify the oil into anything from motor oil to rocket fuel. CEO Mizutani maintains that his company's whale farms will produce enough oil in the next 15 years to cover 35 percent of the Japan's oil needs.
PETA and other animal rights groups have yet to comment, but lawyers from Ghidra Corp. claim that the farm raising nature of the project excludes them from whaling laws.

2005-10-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

What do you get when you're quarter back is a Heisman trophy winner, former number one draft pick, number eight of all-time in touchdowns, number six in completions, and number six of all-time in yards? A super bowl victory, obviously. Obviously. Well, maybe not when that number one pick came in 1987 and you're also the number five interception leader of all-time. Of course, I'm talking about the legendary Vinny Testaverde who will get his first start as Jet in two years this week against the team that picked him first, undefeated Tampa Bay.
While the Jets, who haven't scored a touchdown since Pennington went down, are most likely done for the season, one can't help but root for Vinny and the Jets. This leads me to my personal pick for the best possible super bowl outcome: Jets vs. Cowboys. The story line is too perfect. In a desperate last shot at glory, the aged Testaverde carries the banged up Jets on wing and a prayer to Super Bowl XL only to meet the team that released him, the Dallas Cowboys. The same Cowboys that are led by former Jets coach Bill Parcells. This match up would also pit former Jet Keyshawn Johnson against his old team. Further making this a compelling story is the fact that Vinny was dumped by the Cowboys for another QB that's running out of gas, Drew Bledsoe. Yes, it would be Dinosaur Bowl I as these two legends of mediocrity square off in a Super Bowl that would go largely unwatched by the American public, but highly praised by this fan. This dream super bowl of mine would be topped off with a stunning victory by the Jets and an MVP for Vinny. Soon, all the country would become captivated with this tail of how the team that no one thought had a chance was led by a hero that no one believed had any game left in him. All of this success would culminate with Time magazine naming Vinny Testaverde Time's Man of the Year.
While that dream seems unlikely another dream of mine is much closer to becoming reality. The Houston Astros are just steps away from reaching the World Series. Although the Astros have never reached the World Series in their 40 years of existence no one is ready to call it a curse, unlike those whiney babies in Chicago and Boston. Curses aren't real, shitty players are. Is anyone as sick of the Red Sox as I am? Why is winning a World Series every 86 years such a big deal? But the Astros are moving on up and will hopefully play another "cursed" team, the Chicago White Sox. That's my prediction for this year: Sox and 'Stros. Astros take it in seven.
This week in the NFL there are several exciting match ups. I'm predicting upsets in Dallas and New York as both these teams begin their rise to the Big One with victories over Philly and Tampa, respectively. I see San Diego over Pittsburgh and Atlanta over New England as the Patriots drop to 2-3. In my fifth and final pick I'm taking Detroit to get their act together against Baltimore. Well, all these picks seem solid.
Finally, ESPN columnist and TV personality Skip Bayless recently commented that football could be improved by eliminating kicking altogether. No more field goals? I'm totally against this. One of the most interesting parts of a game is watching four quarters of rough, violent football only to have the game decided at the last minute by a small foreigner with a funny name and a one-bar helmet that comes out for one play. Removing the foot from football is ridiculous, almost as ridiculous as watching a kicker try to pick up a fumbled snap and attempt to throw it for a touchdown.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

***Editor's note: While we in no way endorse gambling, please use caution in basing bets on Hiro's picks. Hiro is clearly out of touch with reality and has questionable recreational practices.***

2005-09-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

SHOCKING DISCOVERY IN THE HEART OF AFRICA

26 September, 2005 (Burundi): Zoologists and anthropologists alike are stunned by a recent discovery in the dense jungles of the Cankuzo region of Burundi. Late last month residents of the region had reported gunfire deep in the jungles near the Tanzanian border. This region has been ravaged by violent conflicts between rival ethnic groups and violent armed gangs for years so it was no surprise to authorities when they learned of a possible training camp hidden in the jungle. The UN operation in Burundi, the ONUB, was quick to dispatch a reconnaissance team. Upon reaching the jungle region the group immediately took on fire. After a short gunfight with hidden assailants lurking behind the trees the UN forces secured the area.
It was after the unit secured the jungle area that they made a shocking discovery: no human bodies were found. Lying next to the still smoking weapons were not militants but a troop of mountain gorillas. After an intensive search it became clear that no militants were in the area and the weapons had been discharged by the gorillas.
Shocked by this discovery, the UN immediately sent for UN scientists and local zoologists and anthropologists. After a search of the surrounding jungle several clues were found. Explorers on scence found what looked to be a cache of German small arms most likely hidden during World War II by German troops fleeing an allied advance. Much of the ammo had been depleted. Also found near the sight was a crashed Cessa loaded with small arms most likely intended to be delivered to local warlords. The conclusion drawn by local researchers is that the troop of gorillas had been in contact with weapons for close to 60 years and that over the past three generations had learned to use them. Researchers are baffled by the gorilla's proficiency with the weapons but believe that they might have been in close contact with human combat and observed how to operate firearms.
American zoologist and gorilla expert Chuck Ng is not too shocked with the findings. "Gorillas can be as smart as a human child," Ng said, "and if kids can watch TV and figure out how to shoot up their school, it is not beyond belief that these magnificent creatures could emulate a human."

2005-09-25T23:36:00.000-07:00

ASTROLOGY V. ASTRONOMY

Russian astrologer Marina Bai is suing NASA for damages claiming that they ruined her career and reputation[see story]. Marina claims that the Deep Impact satellite that was sent by the space agency to collide with the Tempel-1 comet last July disrupted the astrological plane interfering with her predictions. She said at the time of the experiment: "It is obvious that elements of the comet's orbit, and correspondingly the ephemeris, a table which lists the positions of celestial bodies, will change after the explosion, which interferes with my astrology work and distorts my horoscope."
In a related story, I will be filing suit against the National Football League, the New York Jets, and several race horses for years of blowing my predictions and costing me money in the process.

2005-09-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

Hurricanes an Al Qaida Plot?

As America braces for yet another massive hurricane assault it is hard to not wonder, "Why would the greatest nation on Earth be punished by the God that loves this country so well?" I pondered this question for some time until I came to the only logical conclusion: God's not sending these hurricanes, our enemies are.
But how is this possible you might ask? To answer this let's first look at how hurricanes form. Wikipedia describes the conditions neccessary for a hurricane to form and says that one such condition are "tropical waves," or easterly waves, which are westward moving areas of convergent winds. This convergence frequently assists in the development of thunderstorms, which can develop into tropical cyclones. The majority of tropical cyclones form from these. A similar phenomenon to tropical waves are West African disturbance lines, which are squally lines of convection that form over Africa and move into the Atlantic. Hmmm, West Africa? These storms are coming from abroad and suspiciously close to Al Qaeda hot spots.
"But Hiro," you ask, "does this mean that Al Qaeda is behind these deadly storms?" Indeed it might. Weather control devices may not be a flight of fancy at all. On Oct. 2, 1992, The Wall Street Journal reported that a Russian company, Elate Intelligent Technologies, Inc., has weather control equipment for sale and uses the advertising slogan of “weather made to order.” In fact, author Sydney Sheldon believes that "two superpowers have the ability to control weather around the world: the United States and Russia. Other countries, probably China and North Korea, are working feverishly to catch up." Next we must ask, "but how do Islamic terrorists come into the picture?"
The answer to this question invloves a stunning connection that many have snoozed on. Islamic fundamentalist movements are working in conjunction with International Communism! The links are all there. As far back as 1978 the connections were being seen. [International Terrorism: The Communist Connection Revisited ] Evidence points to Soviet links to the PLO, Red China links to fundamentalists in Iran, and most recently Communist North Korea has been distributing arms to Yemen and other rogue states. [How Al Qaeda seeks to buy Chinese arms, U.S. lets Scud ship sail to Yemen]
Could international terrorism be a communist plot to overthrow the United States? Most likely. Could the communist governments of Red China and North Korea be using Russian technology to build hurricanes for Al Qaeda? Obviously.

2005-09-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

America!

2005-09-15T00:18:00.000-07:00

Until I have something witty or clever, enjoy this essay on victimless crime I wrote for a course on the American West in the 20th century. [I just wanted to write about weed and hookers.]

Victimless Crime in the American West

For life-long Reno resident Salaizia things are looking up, thanks to new employment opportunities in the area she is now working at a job she has longed for. “My dream came true,” says Salaizia when asked about her new career. Salaizia’s dream was made possible when the famed brothel, “The Mustang Ranch,” reopened for business under a new name; six years after being shut down due to tax problems. Now under new ownership, the “World Famous Brothel,” as it is now called, raises “the bar on brothel elegance and operation in Nevada,” according to Madam Susan Austin. The activities of Austin and Salaizia would be seen as criminal in any other state in the Union; but in Nevada, prostitution is big business.
The story of the “World Famous Brothel” is just one example of how victimless crimes play a role in lives of Westerners. Victimless crime, or consensual crime, involves illegal activity that is felt to have no direct impact on an unwilling party. These crimes include, but are not limited to, prostitution, drug use and gambling. The debate over victimless crime continues today in the American West. Currently, Nevada is the only state with state-regulated brothels. Also, medicinal marijuana has been regulated by western states such as California and Arizona. Alaska has even gone as far as decriminalizing possession of small amounts of marijuana for personal use among adults. These seemingly more permissive stances taken by western states suggest a position on victimless crime that is somewhat unique to the American West. .
Divisions exist among the public regarding victimless crime issues. Proponents of decriminalized narcotics and prostitution typically find resistance from critics such as religious fundamentalists and the conservative right. The apparent clash over these issues plays out across the west in heated debates. In Alaska, the governor has found himself at odds with the courts over marijuana legalization. Meanwhile, in Nevada, brothel owners are battling with the state legislators over taxation. Owners are actually pushing for taxation in attempt to gain legitimacy. These are just two of the heated debates over current victimless crime issues. By examining the more apparent instances of victimless crime in the West, primarily prostitution and drug use, one can begin to see how the context of the region and the myth of the West help shape opinions and policies concerning victimless crimes
Prostitution has become one of many icons attached to the myth of the West. The prostitute was said to have been the “heart of a heartless frontier.” As much as a staple as the miner or the cowboy, the prostitute became a symbol of western life. Unlike her male counterparts, this symbol would be at the heart of controversy throughout the history of the West. The prostitute would find herself in conflict with legislators and moral reformers throughout the early 20th century.
The prostitution industry became more prominent as growth in the West flourished. As jobs moved west so did the world’s oldest profession and before long the brothels became common place in many western communities. It is said that prostitutes were among the first railroad passengers to arrive in El Paso, Texas, just one such community with a “red light” district. These prostitutes were providing a service high in demand in the Old West and the influence of the prostitute in a community was a result of the area’s lack of women.
The image of the prostitute is often misconstrued by most people today. The stories of the “fallen women” were perpetuated by the writers of the Victorian age as a result of not only the authors’ biases, but also as a result of the demands of the reading public. The image of the outcast implied that this status as a fallen woman was fixed. However, the reality was that prostitution was short term and the majority of women moved between prostitution and other occupations. In fact, many only engaged in the trade occasionally.
Motivation varied among prostitutes. While some became prostitutes as a result of a history of sexual abuse, some chose the line of work seeking a more exciting lifestyle. Prostitute life might have been attractive because many prostitutes wore fine clothes and makeup, earning themselves the nickname “painted ladies.” However, life was not a fairytale for many prostitutes: most lived hard and died young.
Attitudes towards prostitution have been varied and ambiguous in the history of the West. An atmosphere of tolerance existed in the west, as well as in other parts of the nation. Citing public health concerns, some states were looking to regulate prostitution. St. Louis, Missouri was the first to experiment with formal regulation in the late 19th century. These regulations included licensing of brothels and the medical inspection of prostitutes. Moral reformers eventually defeated the regulations in St. Louis but many cities continued to control prostitution through existing statutes and implied police powers.
Texas provides an interesting example of attitudes towards prostitution and resulting public policy. In 1907, Texas law gave any citizen power to bring action against a “bawdy-house” through injunction regardless of whether they had been personally injured or not. On the other hand, state law also gave cities the right to create districts that would be untouchable by public protest. This ambiguity illustrates how Texas law gave municipalities much room to create their own prostitution policy. It also shows the lack of consensus on the subject.
As America moved into the Progressive Era, voices against prostitution grew louder. During this time, a sense of national panic became noticeable as rates of syphilis and other sexually transmitted diseases increased. Public attention turned towards prostitution, which was seen as a symbol of America’s moral decay. A coalition of clergy, temperance and women’s groups sought to eliminate regulation of prostitution. The anti-prostitution movement was, as Hobson describes, “a loose coalition of diverse groups organized around a single issue and strategy – suppression of prostitution…they had different motivations, different political and social ideologies, and different visions of what their campaign could accomplish.”
Moral reformers believed prostitution was at the heart of some of society’s greatest ills. Anti-prostitution sentiment was fueled by advocates who sought to restore Christian values to the country. Additionally, women’s groups linked prostitution to the fight for women’s emancipation. Forced medical inspections of prostitutes seemed to be an example of how women were treated as second class citizens. Prostitution abolitionists petitioned state governments and continued to put pressure on officials. By 1918, the anti-prostitution movement could claim victory as almost all red-light districts in the United States had been abolished, with the notable exception of El Paso, Texas which continued to have a protected “Zone of Tolerance” into the 1930s.
Victimless crime in the West is not limited to prostitution; the debate over victimless crime most commonly includes drug use as well. Narcotics have played a strange role in American culture and two prominent drugs that have been the subjects of heated debates are marijuana and peyote. These two drugs have unique and strange histories that help shed light on contemporary issues.
Although cannabis plants had been grown for centuries as a cash crop in North America, their psychoactive properties had been all but unknown to Americans for centuries. Marijuana’s therapeutic properties became known to Americans by the end of the 19th century, which was evidenced by the plethora of articles appearing in scientific journals describing the medical benefits of marijuana. A great deal of mystery surrounds the origins of marijuana’s recreational use in this country. In his book, Marihuana Reconsidered, Lester Grinspoon contends that marijuana smoking in cigarette form was introduced in the West at the beginning of the 20th century by Mexican immigrants and the practice spread throughout the West and into the South. By 1930, marijuana smoking could be found in most major cities.
As marijuana use grew in the United States, so did opposition. In 1930, the Federal Bureau of Narcotics was formed and it began its campaign against marijuana. At the time of the Bureau’s creation, only sixteen states had laws banning the use of marijuana; by 1937, almost every state had outlawed the drug, due in part to pressure from the alcohol lobby who feared the prospect of a cheap intoxicant. The Federal Bureau of Investigation joined in on the fight for prohibition and began spreading alarmist, unfounded claims against marijuana and its users. One such alarmist warning harshly described a marijuana user:
He really becomes a fiend with savage or “cave man” tendencies. His sex desires are aroused and some of the most horrible crimes result. He hears light and sees sound. To get away from it, he suddenly becomes violent and may kill.

Misinformation such as this typified the time period. A lack of information at the time made refuting these claims difficult and exaggerated claims were continually spread by various government agencies for decades to come.
Further distorting the issue of marijuana was its perceived association with minorities. In the first decades of the 20th century, marijuana use had been almost exclusively limited to the minority population. The drug had been long associated with Mexican Americans and had been gaining popularity among urban blacks, especially in the jazz circles. It has been suggested that “perhaps some of the fury aroused by marihuana can be attributed to fear of that which is alien and un-American, which would make the drug seem a particularly dangerous and degenerate intoxicant.” The racism that motivated drug prohibition was illustrated by remarks published in the New Orleans Medical and Surgical Journal in 1931:
The dominant race and most enlightened countries are alcoholic, whilst the races and nations addicted to hemp and opium, some of which once attained to heights of culture and civilization have deteriorated both mentally and physically.

Alcohol was treated as a drug suitable for White America while marijuana was a seen as undermining traditional American values.
The Federal Bureau of Narcotics succeeded in pressing for national marijuana legislation with the passage of the Federal Marihuana Tax Act in 1937. This act stated the legislative position was that marijuana is “harmful.” Passage of the Tax Act reflected a response to the mass hysteria surrounding the drug rather than any concrete evidence suggesting the dangers of the drug.
The line between victimless crime and religious expression become blurred when one discusses the issue of peyote use among Native Americans. Peyote is small cactus plant that has psychedelic properties when ingested. The active ingredient in peyote is mescaline which produces a “toxic delirium” that lasts for up to ten hours. The intoxicant has been used since the late 18th century by some Native groups in the southwest. Users of peyote would eat the “buttons” or drink tea brewed from the plant in attempt to communicate with the Creator. A peyote ceremony typically included long periods of praying and drumming.
Use of peyote was limited to the southwest, at first. In fact, many tribal religious leaders opposed the use of the hallucinogen because they believed it undermined traditional practices. Despair and a decline of tribal rituals in the early 20th century led to the popularization of peyote. Thanks to improvements in transportation, the ritual soon spread throughout North America due to the work of “roadmen” who spread the practice.
It would not be long before the Office of Indian Affairs would try to suppress the use of peyote. The Indian Office asked Congress to ban the use and transportation of the drug. In response to the threat of prohibition, users of peyote organized themselves into the Native American Church and claimed that use of peyote was protected by the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights. However, the term Native American Church is a misnomer. The term is used to describe a loose association of different Native religious sects, some that are entirely unaffiliated, all of whom practice peyote use.
During the government campaign to ban peyote some Indian leaders met with congressional committees to discuss the use of the drug. Chief Fred Lookout of the Osage Tribe of Indians had this to say about peyote in 1918:
We use this peyote in the worship of God among the Osage Indians. We worship it in a manner that is the right way. We are praying to God when we use this medicine that is known as peyote, and the Osage people, my people, use it to a certain extent. They use it in the right way. There is no harm in it. I like it and I am in favor of it…

Responding to criticism of peyote use, Lookout also said, “By using this peyote they [the Osage] have lived a whole lot better life.”
The history of victimless crime laws to this point is a history of ambiguity and unclear or unsettling motivation. The nature of victimless crime legislation indicates a governmental initiative to mandate morality. For example, pragmatists of the late 19th century saw a growing health concern associated with the spread of prostitution. Attempts were made to regulate the trade for the betterment of the community. However, by the turn of the 20th century moral reformers and religious zealots had shifted away from pragmatic, utilitarian policy to a policy fueled by a Christian and arguably White American value system. This compulsion to enforce laws based on an idealistic Christian morality became entangled with racial and xenophobic attitudes. One needs look no further than the aforementioned arbitrary assault on drug use for evidence.
The contemporary climate of victimless crime is somewhat different than conditions in the past. In the past 40 years American policy on victimless crime in the West has changed in some areas but lags behind in others. Shifting attitudes and new information has led to dramatic changes in public policies in the areas of prostitution and narcotics. While not all elements of Progressivism and racial tension have been eliminated in public policy, much has changed in the past half century.
Prostitution enjoys a level of legitimacy in Nevada. While St. Louis rejected their prostitution experiment after four years, the state of Nevada has embraced a system of regulated prostitution since 1971. Prostitution came to be legal through a series of statutes and court rulings. The 1971 law that decriminalized prostitutions comes from a section of the Nevada Revised Statutes that covers “dancing halls, escort services, entertainment by referral services and gambling games or devices; limitation on licensing of houses of prostitution.,” all of which may be permitted. The only other mentioning of prostitution in the statutes comes in a paragraph that states:
In a county whose population is 400,000 or more, the license board shall not grant any license to a petitioner for the purposes of operating a house of ill fame or repute or any other business employing any person for the purposes of prostitution.

It is important to note that this law did not give the explicit power to license brothels. At this point, brothels could still be considered a public nuisance due to a 1949 state law. Citing the population paragraph, the Nevada Supreme Court ruled in 1978 that houses of prostitution could not be considered nuisances. Non-brothel prostitution would not be made explicitly illegal until 1987. Although brothel prostitution is legal in Nevada, brothel owners are subject to strict advertising and zoning limitations such as bans on advertising on public streets or operating within 400 yards of schools or churches.
Proponents of prostitution legalization often point to medical concerns as the primary reason for legalization. These advocates believe that common dangers associated with prostitution such as violence against women and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases can be curbed through regulation. These claims are not totally unfounded; studies have concluded that STD rates have been affected by prostitution regulation. A 1988 study found 9 cases of gonorrhea in legal brothels; a relatively small amount when compared to the 5,000 cases found in the general public. STD rates among in legal brothels continued to decline after condom use became compulsory. A 1998 study hypothesized that sex workers had more say over condom use than other women. This study found that none of the subjects being studied at two different brothels reported having unprotected intercourse. Observers of the Nevada system have found that “health regulations are effective, not unduly restrictive, and widely accepted among members of Nevada’s brothel culture.” Also, Nevada has taken steps towards preventing violence against women. Restrictions have been placed on male employees and customers ranging from age limits to all out bans on male customers in some counties.
Legal prostitution has had many supporters. In the early 1970s, the women’s movement was critical of prostitution laws. Prostitutes organized into a group called COYOTE (Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics) and challenged discrimination and selective enforcement within prostitution control. COYOTE and other groups such as the National Organization for Women and the American Civil Liberties Union have argued that prostitution should be considered a civil right and a worker right. In 1959 the United Nations even stated that prostitution should not be a criminal offense.
Recently, brothel owners have sought to increase their legitimacy. Currently, brothels are big business in Nevada. Brothel owner Lance Gilman is in the process of building a “sex-village” resort which will include brothels, a museum, and a gift shop. Mr. Gilman estimates that his business will take in $10 million next year, $500,000 of which will go to Storey County in taxes. Some counties receive as much as 25 percent of all their business fees from prostitution; however, no state tax on prostitution exists. Nevada Brothel Association lobbyist George Flint is among those in the industry who wish to see brothels pay state taxes. Flint believes that “if we [brothels] contribute and do nice things for the state, maybe the state will like us better." The proposed tax on brothels would earn $3.2 million over the next two fiscal years. Unfortunately for Flint and others, Gov. Kenny Guinn is opposed to such a measure.
Moving on to drug use, marijuana legalization remains a hot issue in the West. Throughout the history of marijuana prohibition there have been critics advocating legalization. The debate over marijuana has taken on different forms over the years. Marijuana is a health issue to some while it is a privacy issue to others. Voices from all over the political spectrum have spoken out for and against marijuana legalization.
Supporters of marijuana prohibition use both health concerns and public safety as a rationale for criminalization. Those against legalization fear the potentially hazardous features of marijuana and point to research suggesting that marijuana combines the risks of alcohol and tobacco as well as problems unique to the drug. Opponents to legalization argue that the drug is unsafe and has become more potent over the last quarter-century. Critics of marijuana also cite research on the behavioral aspects of the drug that show that it severely affects the social perceptions of heavy users. Furthermore, drug legalization opponents stress the very real dangers of harder narcotics such as heroine and cocaine and fear that marijuana acts as a “gateway” drug that will lead users to try harder drugs.
For those on the opposite side of the debate marijuana legalization would benefit public health. Medical experts have compelling evidence to suggest that marijuana can be a beneficial medicine. Dr. Gary Newkirk, MD is one advocate of medicinal marijuana. Dr. Newkirk, Director of Family Medicine Spokane Residency and Clinical Professor in the Department of Family Practice at the University of Washington School of Medicine, Seattle, explains that smoking marijuana delivers 400 bioactive chemicals into the body. Additionally, Dr. Newkirk theorizes that a synthesized version of the plant may not deliver the same medical benefits as smoking the plant naturally. Smoking marijuana, according to Newkirk, can be used to treat weight loss associated with cancer patients as well as treat chronic pain. It is Dr. Newkirk’s opinion that marijuana should be reclassified as a Schedule 2 drug, "potentially addictive but with some accepted medical use." Currently marijuana is a Schedule 1 drug, which is defined as high addiction potential and no demonstrated medicinal use.
The medicinal marijuana debate has been hotly contested in the West. In 1996, a California law allowed doctors to prescribe marijuana to patients in chronic pain. California's law started a trend in which other Western states have enacted similar "medical marijuana" laws, including Alaska, Colorado, Hawaii, Nevada, Oregon, Arizona, and Washington. However, a recent Supreme Court decision has since shot down these state laws.
Decriminalization advocates believe public opinion is on their side. Seventy-two percent of Americans feel that a fine is more appropriate than incarceration for simple possession. According to a 2003 Zogby poll, two out of every five Americans say that the government should treat marijuana similar to the way alcohol is treated. Additionally, more than half of those between the ages of 18 and 50 have tried marijuana at least once. These figures suggest that supporting marijuana use is not in conflict with mainstream values. Ethan Nadelmann, founder and executive director of the Drug Policy Alliance, says that, “Marijuana prohibition is unique among American criminal laws. No other law is both enforced so widely and harshly and yet deemed unnecessary by such a substantial portion of the populace.” The argument for general legalization makes the claim that any law that makes such a significant portion of the populace criminals is inherently unjust.
Opponents of the war on drugs believe that the costs of the war far outweigh the supposed benefits. The financial costs alone are substantial; enforcing marijuana laws cost an estimated $10-15 billion. Despite the money being spent on drug control, the government has not been very successful in curbing drug demand or the supply. The government does succeed in making drug arrests, roughly 700,000 for marijuana offenses, eighty-seven percent of those arrested have never been arrested or convicted of any other offense.
The battle over broader legalization has played out in the West. In 2002, an initiative in Nevada sought to legalize possession of up to 3 ounces of marijuana use. The primary motivation behind this legislation was to ease the burden of police. Supporters of the initiative felt that the police should not be burdened with enforcing marijuana laws when there are more serious issues at hand. Convinced by the proposed benefits to law enforcement, the Nevada Conference of Police and Sheriffs put their support behind the legislation. Despite what seemed to be wide support, the initiative failed at the polls.
Alaska law provides on of the few success stories of marijuana decriminalization. In September 2004, the Alaskan Supreme Court upheld a lower court ruling that legalized possession of four ounces of marijuana for personal use. This decision was based on a 1975 ruling in the case of Ravin v. State that found the implied federal right to privacy, as well as the explicit right to privacy in Alaska, outweighed potential harms of marijuana. The opinion that the court came to stated that:
While we must enforce the minimum constitutional standards imposed upon us by the United States Supreme Court's interpretation of the Fourteenth Amendment, we are free, and we are under a duty, to develop additional constitutional rights and privileges under our Alaska Constitution if we find such fundamental rights and privileges to be within the intention and spirit of our local constitutional language and to be necessary for the kind of civilized life and ordered liberty which is at the core of our constitutional heritage.

This ruling would not be the end of the debate in Alaska. In January 2005, Gov. Frank Murkowski asked the state legislature to overturn Ravin v. State. The proposed legislation would tighten marijuana laws and make more pot offenses felonies. Tightening these laws will cost the state an estimated $160,000 in additional funds a year.
The future of marijuana laws dramatically changed in June 2005 when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that federal authorities may prosecute those using medicinal marijuana, despite state laws. As a result of this decision, state laws have been rendered void. However, officials in Alaska remain confident that the ruling will not result in a rash of arrests in the state. An FBI official in Alaska said that the new rule will not change FBI activity in the state. State rights advocates see larger implications with the new ruling. One of the three dissenters, Judge Clarence Thomas, said that if the federal government now has the power to regulate patient’s marijuana it has the power to “regulate virtually anything – and the Federal Government is no longer one of the limited and enumerated powers.”
After examining victimless crime legislation in the West one can draw a connection between current public policy and an Old West mentality. A look at modern prostitution laws show that “legal prostitution exists in modern times while operating under many of the premises of simple, Old West, small-town governance.” Furthermore, permissive marijuana laws have been justified on the grounds of privacy. Public policies grounded in the values of privacy represent a Western mentality of individualism and an effort to keep the federal government out of the lives of the people.
Several flaws exist in the rationale and history of victimless crime policy. First, there are apparent racial motivations behind victimless crime legislation and enforcement. Racial overtones exist in prostitution enforcement. “Analysts of abolitionist [prostitution] policies have pointed out that both historically and today, third-party policies most often are enforced in uneven and racist ways against people of color, foreigners, and immigrants.” Opponents of the drug war often claim that the war on drugs is racially motivated. As we have seen, drug laws have historically targeted people of color. Graham Boyd, founder and director of the ACLU Drug Policy Litigation Project, sees blatant racism behind the war on drugs. Boyd points out that the war on drugs uses pervasive racial targeting and as a result the number of blacks in prison for drug offenses is growing dramatically. Also, Boyd sees discrimination against Native Americans in the 1988 decision of Smith v. Oregon in which peyote use in religious practices was outlawed. This decision put the courts in opposition to the legislature when Congress passed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act which affirmed the rights of Natives to use peyote.
From what we have seen in regards to drug and prostitution legislation it is clear that the government has taken the position that mandating morality is in the nation’s best interest. However, serious problems result from mandating morality. For instance, a national consensus on what is moral cannot be realistically reached in a society as large and diverse as the United States. Also, public harms may result from turning idealistic values into public policy. History has shown us that prostitution and drug use are social issues that may never disappear. In the case of prostitution, taking an idealistic stance of abolition can result in serious public health problems. In Nevada where prostitution is regulated, rates of STDs among licensed prostitutes are at controllable levels. In the event of deregulation or abolition the rate of STDs and violence against women may explode. Furthermore, morality appears to be ambiguous in the U.S. On one hand the government bans marijuana under the belief that it has no benefits and is highly addictive; yet on the other hand the government allows equally, if not more addictive substances such as alcohol and tobacco to be sold and marketed nation wide.
For now, Salaizia and Susan Austin can continue to work at their desired profession free from fear of prosecution. However, marijuana users, both medical patients and casual users, must keep their activities discreet for fear of incarceration. For now, the government finds protecting the citizenry from themselves to be in its best interest and until that is no longer the case we may not see serious change in victimless crime policy. Hope is not lost entirely. Constitutional scholars, including members of the Alaskan Supreme Court, believe that our constitution grants us an implied right to privacy stemming from the 3rd, 4th, and 14th amendments as well as from landmark decisions such as Roe v. Wade. Someday, victimless crime advocates can hope to see interpretations broaden to encompass their right to take risks regarding their well being.

*Footnotes omitted due to laziness, ask me if you want them

[This shit got me an A if you can believe that.]

2005-09-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

Under Construction.

Libertarian rants to be expected sometime soon.