OGMD Ind. Q2 Update

A Message from Management

It's an exciting time here at OGMD Ind. The website received a minor refresh and the team continues to make improvements to the online experience. The mobile functionality is greatly improved (only a decade late) and the blog is better integrated to the site. Look for more utilization of this platform in the future.

On the content front, OGMD Ind. broke new ground in Q2, running a long(ish) read, non-fiction story for the first time, read it here. We hope to bring you more original articles in the future.

Also out now is Chapter 4 of the groundbreaking graphic novel, Freddy Reno Went Missing. Buzz is growing around the "yacht noir." The comedy-thriller was recently featured on our hosting site, The Duck Webcomics, where it was hailed as a "compelling and addictive piece of work." Improvements to the first three chapters are underway, touching up the art and enhancing the yacht noir experience. An an all new print edition, collecting the first four chapters of the comic epic, is coming soon. Look for it online and in stores this fall.

Check back here for more updates and quality content.

Selling the American Dream One Square Inch at a Time

 

In a first for Or Give Me Death Industries, we have a piece of real news. Head over to the main page for a deep dive on a classic comic book ad (pictured).

http://www.orgivemedeath.com/one-square-inch.html

We hope to bring you more features like this in the future.

Vertical Intergration

 A NOTE FROM MANAGEMENT:

The company takes a great leap forward today as we have seized the means of production and become a true, independent publisher. Due to global supply chain stresses and issues with unnamed printers, there will no longer be a middleman between the reader and OGMD Ind. when it comes to comics (reliable ol' Amazon will keep churning out the books). We now ship direct, passing the savings on to YOU.

This also means Freddy Reno Went Missing is now a limited run comic, so get them while they last. The much anticipated fourth installment of Don M. Patterson's magnum opus is said to be over budget and experiencing production delays. The expected release has been pushed back to 2022.

Or Give Me Death at Fifteen

[Cue bed music]

​Fifteen years ago, a pick-up truck was spotted in an El Paso parking lot with a bumper sticker reading “GiveMeLiberty.com”. The aspiring, phony publisher who saw the sticker for the rambling and seemingly illegal political fundraising operation immediately wondered, “is the other half taken?” It wasn’t. And while financial constraints stalled the acquisition of the proper domain until 2008, OrGiveMeDeath[.blogspot.com] officially launched on September 15, 2005.

GiveMeLiberty.com is long abandoned while OrGiveMeDeath.com now celebrates its crystal anniversary. Fifteen years makes us a “legacy” website akin to Google, Twitter, or GeoCities. The internet was a different place in 2005. In that short and undeserved era of the blog, Or Give Me Death separated itself from the field of earnest logs of perspective by making up fake news - something far less controversial at the time. The site was inspired by that true institution of fake news and satire: The Weekly World News. Truly, we lost a piece of America when we stopped receiving Bat Boy updates at the grocery check out.

To date, the most read piece on the site (and likely the most read thing ever written by this author) was a fake news gem from 2008: “1884 Adult Film Now Earliest Known Motion Picture.” That story continues to draw clicks as it shows up in search results for the earliest known motion picture; now that’s fake news with results!

When the fake news wells went dry, management pivoted to the even more saturated market of publishing. In 2012, the reborn Or Give Me Death Industries released its first print offering, a tight novella, Rhodium. Readers like you have helped make this cryptic book the 2,612,671st best selling book of all time on Kindle. Good work, gang.

After a couple of hit or miss fake news offerings came the first true book in the OGMD Ind. catalog, 2016’s Sierra Blanca by award finalist author Don M. Patterson. Released to some critical acclaim, the thrilling novella continues to be a selling book on the internet.

And now, Or Give Me Death Industries takes another blind leap into an overdone market, well past peak profitability: comic books. Freddy Reno Went Missing Issue no. 1 is available online and will be available in print.

Who knows what lies ahead for Or Give Me Death Industries? There is an honest to goodness novel on the way and a strong probability the Reno series will be finished. Or, maybe I’ll just do nothing. This site has a proud tradition of going on hiatus. Maybe I’ll start a podcast in 2030. Until then, buy and read all of the merchandise available on this ad-free website.

UPDATE

Just checking in so they don't shut me down.

Check out the new stuff: OrGiveMeDeath.com

Moving On

We've moved into some sweet new digs for 2017.  Check out Or Give Me Death Industries' new home at the same address:  www.orgivemedeath.com

New flashy site, same old inactivity.

Coming Soon...

Or Give Me Death Industries proudly presents new author Don M. Patterson's Sierra Blanca, the first ever (as far as we know) Cold War Western.  Stay tuned.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

A Statement From Management

This January, the world of satirical journalism was rocked when industry leader The Onion was purchased by Univision Communications.  Now, because Univision is co-owned by Clinton's top donor, Haim Saban, critics are accusing The Onion of running pro-Hillary Clinton propaganda.  

For ten, non-consecutive years, Or Give Me Death has sought to intermittently bring you top quality, competitive satire, but The Onion has always remained the gold standard.  I am not here to disparage them in any way.  Far from it.  In fact, I once again want to emulate their winning formula.  I'm putting us up for sale.

For the right price, you too can have thinly veiled, mildly humorous propaganda custom made to fit your campaign needs.  Hell, I'm even flexible on the name. (Or Give Me Trump?).  So if reaching out to the cynical voter is in your national media strategy, contact me and we can make a deal.  It's going to be a great deal, you're going to love it.

UPDATE:  This is satire.  

Amazon Delivery Drones Barred From Carrying Lethal Weapon

31 August, 2015 (Washington, DC):   Federal Aviation Administration regulators ruled Monday that online mega retailer Amazon will be barred from equipping its proposed delivery drones with copies of the 1987 hit action comedy Lethal Weapon.  An FAA advisory committee cited unspecified safety concerns in reaching its decision.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos blasted the ruling, accusing of the FAA of once again being out of step with advances in technology.  An FAA spokesperson said new rules will not apply to the movie's sequels as the agency could not foresee a scenario where such a ban would matter anyway.

Houston Astros Now Exclusively Courting Ironic Fans

19 August, 2013 (Houston, TX):  The Houston Astros front office has a bold new approach to winning: don't.  The ball club has mired in mediocrity over recent seasons but market research suggests a new breed of ironic fans are keeping ticket sales afloat - and management is looking to cash in.

"Our new target fan isn't all that interested in the outcome of the game," said new President of Baseball Operations, Reid Ryan.  "If [winning] is the only thing you're interested in, go see the Texans.  Our fans care more about the atmosphere, the aesthetics, and having a good time."

These new fans, mostly millennials, are showing up by the dozens to "root" for their favorite team.  Fans like Brooklyn transplant Teena Robinson, 23, are just the type the Astros hope to woo.  "My friend was like, 'wouldn't it be funny to go to an Astros game,'" recalls Robinson, "and I was like, 'are they still even, like, a team?  But the game was totally fun, I think, I don't really remember how it ended.  Also, the stadium has wi-fi and it's quiet so I actually got a lot done."

Astros marketing first noticed the trend of ironic fandom on social media in 2011 and were quick to capitalize.  "We're doing what we can to keep these new young fans digging our team," says owner, Jim Crane.  "We went with the retro look this year, you know the kids eat that up.  I mean, have you seen that blue number? You buy a jersey like that I bet you get a free PBR."

Longtime fans have also found an appreciation for the Astro's unconventional approach.  "I really prefer their old stuff," says lifelong fan Chuck Bennison, "but the ridiculously low payroll really gives the team indie cred.  They just signed these two obscure players from Mexico City; they're really big down there.  You probably haven't heard of them.  Plus, we got a kid named Hoes, how great is that?"

Looking to 2014, management has indicated it's commitment to the lovable loser status by trading off any players with potential to sell out and start winning.  "Part of our appeal involves staying out of the mainstream," says Crane, "so don't expect to see this team on television anytime soon."

The Alternate Cover

New Fiction: Rhodium

Hiro Kawabunga's thrilling debut novelette, Rhodium, is now available in digital and paperback! Get your digital copy now!.

For paperback follow these easy steps:
1. Download the digital version (available here)
2. Print it out
3. Staple pages together
4. Design your own wacky cover!

UPDATE: Now available in actual paperback!

COWBOYS PLAYOFF VICTORY ABHORRENT TO NATURE, PHYSICISTS THEORIZE

From the Sports Science Desk

The first place Dallas Cowboys will attempt to drive the New York Giants further down the division ladder this weekend when they visit the Meadowlands. The very real prospect of a playoff birth weighs heavily on the minds of everyone in Cowboys nation, but according to a team of scientists it may be all for not. Physicists have suggested that a playoff victory might be so abhorrent to nature that its achievement would ripple backward through time and stop the Cowboys before they could win, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather.

The theory was a largely overlooked footnote in a series of papers by Holger Bech Nielsen, of the Niels Bohr Institute in Copenhagen, and Masao Ninomiya of the Yukawa Institute for Theoretical Physics in Kyoto, Japan. The papers mostly outline theories regarding the abhorrent nature of the Higgs Boson, the theoretical particle responsible for imbuing other elementary particles with mass; however, the inevitable failure of the Dallas Cowboys in the month of December and beyond was also evidenced by the research.

“It must be our prediction that all Higgs producing machines shall have bad luck,” Dr. Nielsen said in an e-mail message, “but our mathematical models also discovered other phenomena that are seemingly distasteful to nature. A Dallas playoff win appears to be one such phenomenon.”

This malign influence from the future, they argue, could explain why the Dallas Cowboys have seen one inexplicable failure after another, despite millions of dollars being spent on star talent; a pattern so unlikely that Dr. Nielsen calls it an “anti-miracle.”

“At first, we obviously questioned the results,” said Masao Ninomiya, “when Romo fumbled against Seattle in the ‘06 playoffs we assumed other, more obvious, elements such as inexperience were at work. In the 2007 season, we got a bit nervous when they just destroyed everyone in the regular season and even won the division. But our theory remained solid after they got lit up by New York - a wildcard team. In 2008, we didn’t even bother to double-check the math.”

The research was predictably met with skepticism and disappointment by Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who was quick to site the Cowboys' multiple past playoff wins. The mathematical models, however, suggest the Cowboys may have reached a “critical mass” of wins in the late 20th century, 1996 to be precise.

Jones brushed off comparisons between the $1.15 billion Cowboys Stadium and the $9 billion Large Hadron Collider as silly and unimaginative.

UPDATE

Howdy folks,

This hiatus hasn't been a total waste, a new project is in the works and coming down the pipeline any day. Or Give Me Death industries is moving into the world of real publishing, not this silly online publishing that's so Goddamned popular. [I swear to God Almighty Jesus that if I hear one more puff piece about how Twitter is liberating Iran I'm going to shoot my computer execution style!]
Anyway, coming soon: shocking fiction from the producers of OrGiveMeDeath!

Let Freedom Ring!

Supreme Court Upholds Liberty in 5-4 Decision!

“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.”
-Al Capone

In Memoriam

Eight Belles
2005 - 2008

DANIEL DAY LEWIS OFFERED NO-BID OIL CONTRACT IN ALASKA

29 April, 2008 (Washington, D.C.): As fuel prices reached a record high today, President Bush announced plans to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) to drilling as part of a multi-billion dollar contract with Academy Award winning actor Daniel Day Lewis.

"One of the main reasons for high gas prices is that global oil production is not keeping up with growing demand," Bush said during a Rose Garden news conference. "The industry needs bold leadership and quick action," the president continued, "and I believe that the kind of intensity that Mr. Lewis offers is just what they need to meet demand."

In recent years, Democrats in Congress have blocked efforts to open the refuge despite Energy Department estimates that the area could yield a million barrels of oil a day. President Bush called on lawmakers to expand domestic oil production in an "environmentally friendly and entertaining way."

When reached for comment, Lewis claimed to be surprised by the plan.

"I'm not as experienced in oil as Mr. Bush may think I am," the British-born actor said, "I'm not exactly sure what he expects me to do."

Lewis also expressed concern with the legitimacy of the agreement, citing problems with the contract's overall vagueness as well as various wardrobe and mustache requirements listed throughout.

The president was not deterred by Lewis's seeming ambivalence towards the project. When asked about the actor's limited experience in actual oil drilling Bush responded positively, saying that running an oil business is not as hard as it may seem and can be done with "literally no real experience."

"Playing an oil man is pretty much like being an oil man, if I recall," Bush explained, "plus, that guy was nuts in Gangs of New York, he's going to solve this gas problem."

Democrats on the Hill responded with their own press conference at which New York Senator Charles Schumer attacked the president for his inactivity and criticized his latest offering as "poorly timed, stale and unimaginative."

1884 Adult Film Now Earliest Known Motion Picture

15 April, 2008 (Lynchburg, VA): Film historians have discovered a motion picture recording that predates French inventor Louis Le Prince’s Roundhay Garden Scene, the previously oldest known film, by 4 years. More shocking than the discovery itself is the content of the film, described by researchers as “explicitly pornographic.” The nearly dissolved, 12-second filmstrip is of a young Victorian woman engaging in adult relations with at least two gentlemen and an individual of undetermined gender. A team of historians from Liberty University discovered the film while gathering research for a project on late 19th century pornography and novelty gifts.

The film is credited to inventor and pornographer Aberdeen Hicklin of Skunkhollow, Arkansas. Hicklin made the recording using a crude camera-projector that was remarkably similar to Le Prince’s own design. Dates on related material discovered with the recording suggest that it was filmed in 1884. According to a primitive screenplay recovered, the film was titled Cleveland Steamer due to it’s depiction of a promiscuous secretary’s encounter with a group of reporters while on presidential candidate Grover Cleveland’s campaign train.

A pornographer by trade, Hicklin had earned a reputation as an innovator in adult entertainment by cornering the pornographic stereograph market. His top selling adult stereo card series “Young Harlots Gone Mad with Typhoid Fever” and its follow up “Daisy does the 1876 World’s Fair” made Hicklin one of the most successful pornographers of the late 19th century. Unfortunately, his success came to an abrupt end in 1889 when he continued to break new ground by becoming one of Arkansas’ first automobile fatalities.

Following Hicklin’s death, the groundbreaking film was stored along with his other belonging in a surviving family member’s attic where they remained until being sold at an estate sale last month. A Lynchburg businessman and pornography enthusiast, who chose to remain nameless, purchased the film along with several pornographic stereo card sets, including a never before seen, less than accurate pictorial of Custard’s Last Stand entitled “Little Big ‘N Horny.”

In recent decades, the adult entertainment industry has been at the forefront of new technology ranging from VHS to the Internet. In fact, many credit the industry as key factor in the VHS victory over Betamax. With this new discovery, researchers can now trace pornography’s influence on film all the way back to the earliest days of the medium.

The Audacity of Madness

From the Local Affairs Desk
Part two of a retroactively declared two-part series

Last week I addressed a serious, yet negative issue effecting the health and beauty of Austin’s Town Lake, today I’d like to shift the focus to a more positive aspect of our park. During a recent Saturday spent on the lake it occurred to me how convenient it would be to get around town by canoe or small boat. If you worked downtown and happened to live upstream you could just cruise down the river to your office, how great would that be? But then I asked my self, why should only those who work downtown and have lakefront property be able to take advantage of the ease and fun of commuting by boat?
After mulling this over in my canoe for a while, I decided I would take action. As soon as I got back to land I got on the horn and put together an exploratory committee to investigate a possible run for mayor on a bold platform: I will bring aquatic transportation to the people of Austin, I will flood the city! Imagine it, the beauty and convenience of Venice right in the heart of the Texas Hill Country. If you think swim-up bars are cool, you’re going to love it when there’s swim-up everything. [St. David's Hospital now St. David's Hospital and Riverboat Casino, complete with swim-up ER and blackjack, what fun!]
Some of the greatest problems facing Austin will be positively impacted by flooding the city. The traffic situation in Austin will be greatly improved by my plan. Many of the streets of Austin are already better suited for canoes as it is. Plus, commuting by boat will leave a lower carbon footprint [gondolas are zero emissions] and traffic jams will become pleasant cruises down stream. This bold plan will also solve the homeless problem in Austin. The local transient population will be gently encouraged by market forces and high tides to find jobs in the new maritime economy; it’ll literally be sink or swim. The remaining homeless will not be seen as bums, but as loveable pirates looking for doubloons to buy their grog.
The plan itself is simple. [See fig. 1] First, I’ll let Lake Travis run over into the city – to appease the many tree huggers in Austin I’ll use all natural fertilizer explosives to gently remove the dams. Next, the smaller lakes and reservoirs around town will have to be pumped and rerouted to form the new “canals.” Finally, the smaller streams and drainage ditches running through town will be significantly widened.
And don’t worry electricity lovers, the power lost from the dams isn’t a problem. I’m also calling for the construction of an environmentally friendly, emissions free nuclear power plant [the newly formed lakes and canals will make excellent cooling ponds]. In an added bonus, the plant will create jobs to fill the void created by the sudden drop in “land based” jobs.
Austin needs a mayor that will stand by his word and isn’t a drunken thug. I promise, if elected, I will flood the streets of Austin. But I can only do this with the help of the people, more specifically, the people who are high paid lobbyists. A flooded Austin will greatly benefit the recreational boat industry, time to start cozying up Yamaha. I accept campaign donations in cash and in boat form. McCain has his straight talk express; I need a straight talk yacht, or possibly party barge. Together we can do it, an underwater Austin by 2010!

A Dog's Day in Court

From the Local Affairs Desk
an editorial

Spring has arrived in Austin and it's time to get outdoors and enjoy the natural wonders of the Hill Country. With this in mind, I feel it necessary to discuss a growing problem with our beloved Town Lake; and I'm not referring to the impact of human development on the natural environment or the alarming number of unicyclists around the lake these days. I'm addressing a much older problem: canine waste. Now, I love dogs; I get more excited when a dog's around than any grown man should. But their waste is unsightly, poisons our environment, carries harmful bacteria & viruses, and ruined my Italian leather shoes. In fact, according to a study conducted by the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality in 2000, nearly 500,000 lbs. of dog leavings are deposited into the Town Lake water-shed per year.
This problem requires tough action and the current laws are all bark and no bite. Today, failing to take care of your animal's waste can cost you up $500, but I say we can do better. Five hundred dollars is a decent fine, raising this would be unjust as we cannot put this crime on par with more serious offenses. What needs to be changed is enforcement, we have to attack this problem with the means available. Not only should the city step up patrols, but if a negligent owner is caught in the act the offending dog should be confiscated as evidence and held until the fine is paid or time is served. Not only will this be a wake up call to the irresponsible owners, but it will be a direct assault on the root of the problem. These canines strut around our park naked as the day is long and unabashedly defecate on public property, the only thing they respect is brute force.
I can already hear the dog lovers screaming about how this would be a terrible injustice, but face it, dogs are property and the city has every right to take them, it's no different than towing a car. A legal challenge to any dog-jailing policy would have devastating, unimaginable side-effects that I'm almost certain you've never considered. For this policy to be overturned a judge would have to rule that a dog has legal rights. While I'm sure this would thrill the PETA crowd, it would undoubtedly lead to a chaotic world where dogs have legal standing. Soon dogs will be entering into contracts, would have the vote [and they're Hillary supporters] and the American family would be destroyed by inter-species [and possibly gay inter-species] marriage.
On the other hand, jailing dogs will energize our slumping economy by introducing the completely new business of dog bonding, maybe even dog bounty hunting [not to be confused with Dog the Bounty Hunter]. Plus, if the new policy is as effective as I hope, the evidence lockers will soon be too crowded to hold all the detained dogs leading to new privatized dog prisons.
Until city hall wakes up and starts arresting dogs, or possibly putting their owners to sleep, we all have to do our part. Pick up after your animal, spay and neuter your pets, and if you see someone not picking up after their pet punch them in the back of the head for me.

"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day." - Harry S. Truman