Or Give Me Death Industries

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

What do you get when you're quarter back is a Heisman trophy winner, former number one draft pick, number eight of all-time in touchdowns, number six in completions, and number six of all-time in yards? A super bowl victory, obviously. Obviously. Well, maybe not when that number one pick came in 1987 and you're also the number five interception leader of all-time. Of course, I'm talking about the legendary Vinny Testaverde who will get his first start as Jet in two years this week against the team that picked him first, undefeated Tampa Bay.
While the Jets, who haven't scored a touchdown since Pennington went down, are most likely done for the season, one can't help but root for Vinny and the Jets. This leads me to my personal pick for the best possible super bowl outcome: Jets vs. Cowboys. The story line is too perfect. In a desperate last shot at glory, the aged Testaverde carries the banged up Jets on wing and a prayer to Super Bowl XL only to meet the team that released him, the Dallas Cowboys. The same Cowboys that are led by former Jets coach Bill Parcells. This match up would also pit former Jet Keyshawn Johnson against his old team. Further making this a compelling story is the fact that Vinny was dumped by the Cowboys for another QB that's running out of gas, Drew Bledsoe. Yes, it would be Dinosaur Bowl I as these two legends of mediocrity square off in a Super Bowl that would go largely unwatched by the American public, but highly praised by this fan. This dream super bowl of mine would be topped off with a stunning victory by the Jets and an MVP for Vinny. Soon, all the country would become captivated with this tail of how the team that no one thought had a chance was led by a hero that no one believed had any game left in him. All of this success would culminate with Time magazine naming Vinny Testaverde Time's Man of the Year.
While that dream seems unlikely another dream of mine is much closer to becoming reality. The Houston Astros are just steps away from reaching the World Series. Although the Astros have never reached the World Series in their 40 years of existence no one is ready to call it a curse, unlike those whiney babies in Chicago and Boston. Curses aren't real, shitty players are. Is anyone as sick of the Red Sox as I am? Why is winning a World Series every 86 years such a big deal? But the Astros are moving on up and will hopefully play another "cursed" team, the Chicago White Sox. That's my prediction for this year: Sox and 'Stros. Astros take it in seven.
This week in the NFL there are several exciting match ups. I'm predicting upsets in Dallas and New York as both these teams begin their rise to the Big One with victories over Philly and Tampa, respectively. I see San Diego over Pittsburgh and Atlanta over New England as the Patriots drop to 2-3. In my fifth and final pick I'm taking Detroit to get their act together against Baltimore. Well, all these picks seem solid.
Finally, ESPN columnist and TV personality Skip Bayless recently commented that football could be improved by eliminating kicking altogether. No more field goals? I'm totally against this. One of the most interesting parts of a game is watching four quarters of rough, violent football only to have the game decided at the last minute by a small foreigner with a funny name and a one-bar helmet that comes out for one play. Removing the foot from football is ridiculous, almost as ridiculous as watching a kicker try to pick up a fumbled snap and attempt to throw it for a touchdown.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

***Editor's note: While we in no way endorse gambling, please use caution in basing bets on Hiro's picks. Hiro is clearly out of touch with reality and has questionable recreational practices.***