ON HIATUS


When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

When I started this blog back in September I had two goals in mind: provide people with hard-hitting fake news and promote awareness of Brett Favre's poor performance and over-rated career. With these goals in mind I would just like to thank Brett Favre for keeping Or Give Me Death alive by staying in the league another season. Honestly, what would I do if I didn't have Favre's interceptions to keep track of? There's nothing that can replace the Favre INT Watch. Fearing an early retirement, I tried to work in the DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN, but it's just not the same. But thankfully, Brett's back and the counter is here to stay. I don't want to bring that baby down until he breaks the record - which he will.
Back in August, I predicted it would take 3 seasons for the Gunslinger to shatter the interception record but he shut me up by throwing a career-high, league leading 28 interceptions last year. Now he could easily break the record this year! Good hustle, Ironman, way to go the extra mile and prove me wrong. Finally, I've got a message for new Packers coach Mike McCarthy - I know all the Pack read the blog - Mike, Aaron Rodgers is a bust and if you bench Favre you're betraying Green Bay and a coward.

That's all America,
Hiro

FRANKLIN MOUNTAIN GORILLA-MAN STRIKES AGAIN
Authorities baffled as search widens

28 April, 2006 (El Paso, TX): El Paso County Sheriff officials are searching the mountainous regions of north El Paso for what they believe might be a violent animal after the discovery of the second mountain-biker found dead in as many weeks. The unnamed biker was found dead, apparently beaten to death with his own arms, which were discovered approx. 300 yards from the body. Since January, four deaths and two injuries have already been attributed to the mystery assailant. In a statement to The El Paso Times, El Paso City-County Animal Regulation & Disease Control has denied reports of a wild primate on the loose in West and Northeast El Paso.
Sheriff officials are looking for what could be either a wild primate of some kind or a deranged, incredibly strong person in a gorilla costume. During a press conference early Thursday morning, regional Game Warden Bill Meyers said, "No man could inflict the damage we've seen, we've got an animal on our hands...I've seen this before." A spokesman from the Sheriff's Dept. was less convinced of the existence of a gorilla on the loose saying, "I think it would be best to wait until all the facts are in before making any grandiose assumptions about the existence of an El Paso 'bigfoot.'"
Or Give Me Death will continue to follow this story as it develops.

CHARLES MANSON TO BE PAROLED IN 2007, NEW ALBUM ANNOUNCED
Reunion tour with Beach Boys in the works

17 April, 2006 (Marin County, California): Convicted murderer and former hippy cult leader Charles Manson will reportedly be released following his 2007 parole hearing. Sources inside the California Board of Prison Terms say that drastic improvements in Mr. Manson's behavior have led the Board to believe that the troubled folk singer is fit for release under strict observation.
The Board is said to have been moved by a recent letter sent to them by Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. Manson, who wrote the Beach Boys song Never Learn Not To Love, recently contacted Wilson after years of silence. Initially hesitant, Wilson became convinced after two years of correspondence that Manson had been rehabilitated. After a recent visit to San Quentin Prison, Wilson made it his mission to have Manson freed.
Charles Manson claims music is his "soul" and has been the key to his rehabilitation. In a recent hearing Manson said that if released he would "get back to his roots" as a folk singer and begin work on a studio album for Capitol Records. This will be his first release since the 1970 breakthrough album LIE: The Love And Terror Cult. Wilson is expected to produce a digitally remastered re-release of LIE as well as Manson's latest effort. Rumors of a Manson/Beach Boys tour have yet to be confirmed. Due to parole restrictions, however, any tour would have to be limited to California. The Coachella music festival has expressed interest.

“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.”
-Charles Manson

ZOMBIE ELECTED MAYOR IN HAITI

9 April, 2006 (Les Cayes, Haiti): A man who gained notoriety as the "Zombie Man of Les Cayes" can now call the mayor's mansion home. Voters in a recent runoff election chose the alleged "zombie" to be the next mayor of Les Cayes. "Zombie Man" and mayor-elect Clairvius Piaf has repeatedly made the claim that he was zombified at the age of 19 and forced to work on a sugar plantation for three years.
Zombification has reportedly been practiced in Haiti for centuries. According to folklore and research conducted by anthropologists a mixture of toad skin and puffer fish poison is used to simulate death. After "dying" the victim is revived and then given a hallucinogene to create a mindless state.
Piaf was declared dead on May 1, 1985 and then reportedly resurrected within a month. Afterwards, he was forced into working on a sugar plantation without pay. After he had worked on the plantation in a supposed zombie-like state for three years his captors abandoned the plantation and its zombie day-laborers for unknown reasons. Upon achieving his freedom Piaf is said to have wondered thru southern Haiti for close to a year before snapping out of his zombie trance.
Piaf became a local legend as he traveled throughout Haiti telling of his ordeal. His autobiography, La Vie De Zombie, remains a best-seller in Haiti today. Over the past decade Piaf turned his popularity into political support and now looks to be a major player in Haitian politics.
Piaf does have a few detractors, however. Some of the mayor's political rivals have challenged Mr. Piaf's zombie claims. Then there are other rivals who are less skeptical of Piaf's zombie past who claim that Piaf is in fact still a zombie and under the control of corrupt party officials.

PRESIDENT BUSH TO EMBARK ON ANTARCTIC EXPEDITION
Penguins to send envoy to Washington

22 March, 2006 (Washington, D.C.): Faced with slumping poll numbers, sectarian violence in Iraq, and faltering support within his own party, President Bush has announced plans for an expedition to Antarctica after he leaves office in 2009. Inspired by the one-hundredth anniversary of Republican President Theodore Roosevelt's post-presidency African safari in 1909, Bush will seek to make legacy for himself as he searches Antarctica for evidence of a global climate shift. "We're gonna get to the bottom of this global climate shift business," said the embattled president in a recent press conference.
It is unclear what the president hopes to find in Antarctica but sources close to the White House believe he will be searching for evidence of rising sea levels, holes in the ozone layer, and the possible whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. When asked if he believed that the Al Qaeda leader was hiding in Antarctica the president said, "Well, he's probably in the last place you'd think to look."
A recent CIA report as well as recovered letters from Saddam Hussein suggest that before the Iraq invasion the Russian military in conjunction with a Malaysian Al Qaeda cell helped Hussein move his weapons of mass destruction to the Russian research station of Moldezhnaya in the Australian claim of Antarctica. Sources in the Pentagon believe that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding in a "Fortress of Solitude" and operating terrorist training camps deep in the Antarctic desert. One official stated, "He's gotta be somewhere."

The WBC: The True World Series
[Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Globalization]

As I - an Anglo-Irish-Japanese-American living in the Chihuahua Desert - drank my Mexican beer and watched the U.S. squeak past Team Japan in a Round 2 thriller in the World Baseball Classic, I couldn't help but be thankful for globalization. While the forces of free market capitalism will inevitably force economically inferior nations to compete with economic juggernauts like the United States & China, homogenize world culture, and destroy landmarks to make way for Wal-Marts; we can now enjoy the excitement of international baseball competition.
Unfortunately, the tournament has had its detractors and interest going into the event appeared low. Several stars decided to back out of the tournament to concentrate on the regular season and some owners like George Steinbrenner have criticized the event in the press. The lack of support for the event is likely to blame for low morale and the shameful defeat of the Americans at the hands of our socialist neighbors to the north. America may not be taking the event seriously but the other nations involved are. Team Japan has even called the tournament soft for employing a pitch count and a mercy rule. Japan, by the way, had their first two games against Chinese Taipei [China] and China [Red China] end early by mercy rule after they ran up the score in each. Team China was subsequently sent to the Gulag after their poor performance.
The surprise team is definitely Team Korea. Korea stunned the Pacific Rim with their upset victory over heavily favored Japan. Undefeated in Pool A, Korea moved on to the second round where they shocked Team Mexico in 2 - 1 victory. Most players in this tournament are playing for national pride. American Major League players play for fame and fortune but what do the Koreans play for? In a recent interview, the president of the Korean Baseball Organization, Shin Sang-woo, said that he had asked the Ministry of Defense and the Ministry of Culture and Tourism to release the players from their obligation to serve in the military if Korea makes it into the top four teams in the World Baseball Classic (1). In Korea, all males in good health must serve two years in the military. Exceptions are made, however, for athletes on the state team that win in international events such as the Olympics. Although it is still uncertain if they will be excused from service, they are still playing hard. It's truly do or die for Team Korea.
Despite our upset loss to Canada, Team USA can still win the whole thing. Should the United States break into the finals of the tournament they will play one of the many talented teams from Latin America. One potential contender is the Communist island nation of Cuba. Initially banned from the tournament, Cuba advanced to the second round and could threaten to win it all. A championship game between the United States and Cuba would be historic. The last battle of the Cold War will be fought on the diamond. If this is the outcome, I believe George Bush should offer Castro - whose son is a trainer for Team Cuba - a friendly wager: If Cuba wins the U.S. will pull out of Guantanamo Bay; if the United States wins Cuba will depose Castro and abandon Communism. That's seems like a reasonable bet.
America needs a victory in the World Baseball Classic. I fear that there has been a dangerous decline in America's sports hegemony since the U.S. came in a disgraceful third in Olympic basketball. We invented basketball and now the Argentinians have the title, are we going to allow foreigners - possibly Communist foreigners - to take baseball from us too? It's all downhill for America if we lose respect in the global sports community. Support the World Baseball Classic, democracy depends on it.

Things I've Predicted

-VP shooting spree:

What I said:So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen. - 11/30/05

What Happened: Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

-Favre INTs:

What I said: Currently, Favre is 51 picks short of the record, based on his average he should reach the record in 3 seasons, will he stay in? Time will tell. - 8/17/05. [Let's not forget about the counter I've had since day one.]

What Happened: Brett Favre finished the season with a career high 29 interceptions as he surpassed greats like Dan Marino to become the number 6 all-time interception thrower.

-The NCAA Football National Championship:

What I Said: Texas will pull off the upset and get the national title for the first time since 1970. - 12/12/06

What Happened: Texas wins the Rose Bowl and the National Title - 1/4/06

-The World Series:

What I Said:But the Astros are moving on up and will hopefully play another "cursed" team, the Chicago White Sox. That's my prediction for this year: Sox and 'Stros. - 10/6/05

What Happened: The Astros defeated the Cardinals to advance to their first World Series. The White Sox advanced to their first World Series since 1919. I forget what happened after that.

-Gorillas:

What I Did: OrGiveMeDeath breaks the story: SHOCKING DISCOVERY IN THE HEART OF AFRICA - 9/27/05

What Happened: National Geographic breaks this story: Wild Gorillas Use Tools, Photos Reveal - 9/30/05

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

Like a blazing comet that passes our way only once every four years, the heart-stopping excitement of international curling competition is back to spread it's unequivocal brilliance to a eager world. Curling? The hell you say! It's true, and as I don't need to tell you, these United States are in it to win it. We got a team of hardcore stoners - you know, the guys who slide the stone down the ice. These stoners have gold medal written all over them. Standing in the way of our American curling dream team are the terrors of the curling world, the mighty Finns. Finland's top stoner is a man as large as his name, 6' 1," Markku Uusipaavalniemi [pictured above]. Weighing in at an impressive 209 pounds, Uusipaavalniemi is nicknamed "U-15" for the number of letters in his surname as well as for the number of illegitimate children he is said to have fathered while on the notoriously wild Finnish curling tour. According to his bio, when this Bill Gates look-a-like isn't dominating the ice he's a self employed computer programmer. America is just a win over Canada and a win over Finland away from taking the gold in the Olympic event known to some as "chess on ice."
Moving on to the only other real reason to watch the winter Olympics, America's hockey performance this year borders on treason. How do you tie Latvia and then lose to Slovakia and Russia?!? The Soviet Union has had it's revenge. But we did get one of theirs in a 4 to 1 beat-down of hockey juggernaut, Kazakhstan. It wasn't the Red Army hockey squad of days past, but we beat the hell out of Trashcan-astan.
But the biggest sports story this month has come from the world of hunting where Dick Cheney blew America's safety record of 201 years without a vice presidential shooting incident. I'd just like to say thank you to Dick Cheney for reading the blog. As the Vice President and maybe three other readers know, I posted a blog in November on the subject of Vice Presidential shootings. In that blog I wrote, "So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen." Well, not to be outdone, Cheney has stepped up to my challenge and put himself in the Pantheon of interesting VPs. This incident proves once again how the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath will continue to influence world events; much like how Brett Favre stepped up to the challenge of my INT counter by throwing a career high, league leading amount of interceptions. Kudos to both of you, you're true American legends.
Finally, I would like to address a television ad I recently saw. In their new ads Guinness is encouraging responsible drinking during the "St. Patrick Day Season." St. Patrick Day Season? You mean I don't have to limit my enthusiasms for drinking and wearing green to one day? We have a season now? Hopefully we can take a cue from X-mas and stretch this bitch out for over a month; after all, it is the most wonderful time of the year.

Good luck and Go USA,
Hiro

COCKFIGHT RAMPAGE KILLS TWELVE
¡Guárdese de los gallos peligrosos!

1 February, 2006 (Donaldsonville, Louisiana): Spectators were shocked when a scene of horrific violence erupted at the Ascension Parish Cockfight Arena late Monday night. Midway thru the main event - a much anticipated match between one undefeated gamecock named Coq Fantastique and a newcomer named Richie - the roosters appeared to lose interest in each other and turned their aggression and their claws on their handlers and the crowd.
One agitated fighting fowl, Richie, fatally clawed his owner's jugular and then proceeded to jump into the crowd. Excited by the hysteria that ensued, other gamecocks broke away from their handlers and attacked the fleeing spectators. In cockfighting - which is legal in Louisiana and New Mexico - spurs are attached to the claws of cocks to ensure a quick, humane fight. The spurs appeared to have been effective Monday night as many fatal wounds were inflicted by the cocks.
The event took an even deadlier turn when a fear-stricken, overzealous security guard began shooting at the birds with his .38 special revolver. The shots were painfully inaccurate and resulted in the deaths of two spectators.
This marks the second deadliest cockfighting related incident in Louisiana since 1814 when a riot broke out after then-General Andrew Jackson's prized cock, Rodolfo, lost in a match to Royal British Army General Sir Edward Pakenham's cock, Claudius. The riot claimed 2,107 lives and was later known as the Battle of New Orleans.

MONSTER ISLAND BANNED FROM WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC
Worshipping Natives Outraged

21 January, 2006 (Tokyo, Japan): Despite initial opposition, the U.S. Treasury Department issued a license Friday allowing the communist, island nation of Cuba to participate in the World Baseball Classic. However, another island nation with a bad reputation will be watching the spring tournament from home. After joint opposition from Japan and the United States, Monster Island - mythical, radiated home to such monsters as Mothra and Godzilla - will not be invited to compete.
In a taped response, Monster Island spokesmonster, King Ghidra, was quoted as saying, "The US is afraid to take on our team. George Bush and [Japanese Prime Minister] Junichiro Koizumi are the real atomic monsters here."
The ban comes just weeks after Mothra, the Monster Island right fielder, was released from a AAA team in Oregon for testing positive for MGH, Monster Growth Hormone.
Godzilla could not be reached for comment.

JONES TO MOVE COWBOYS TO PECOS

20 January, 2006 (Arlington, Texas): After hitting a roadblock in negotiations with the city of Arlington over a new stadium, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has struck a deal to move America's Team to the tiny Texas town of Pecos in the heart of the West Texas badlands. Jones cited remarkably cheap property and ample sunshine as the major incentives for the move.
Sources close to Jones have denied rumors that the eccentric owner has recently lost the use of his leg and has succumbed to madness after contracting gangrene while on a hunting trip last fall.
While those in the Cowboy's front office remain confident that their fearless leader has not lost his mind, a Cowboys spokesperson assured the Dallas press that the move had yet to be finalized and that Jones, despite all outward appearances, is in perfect mental health.