Life Aint Nothin' but Money & Bitches

From the Sports Desk
dog show analysis

With football season now gone and baseball season still over a month away we can turn our attention to the cream of the sporting world: the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. This year's crowd favorite is Uno the beagle. America loves an underdog, and this underdog just happens to be an actual dog; what's not to love? But the elitist, terrier-hugger judges have never allowed a beagle to win the second oldest event in sports. These ivory tower caninophiles continue to pick style over substance and deny a good, honest, American dog like the beagle top prize. Does not every dog deserve its day? Look at this dog people! You're telling me some French dog with a perm deserves the prize over this? Ridiculous.
Even though Uno has already won the hound division - the first beagle to do so since 1939 - the odds makers at the Wynn Las Vegas don't give him a chance to win Best in Show. Rather than give odds on individual dogs, the lazy bookies at the Wynn give odds based on breeds. Evidently, making a money line for 2,627 dogs is too much to ask of a billion dollar casino. The favored breed is the standard poodle at 25-1; the beagles don't even break the top 6. Unfortunately, the line is purely entertainment and they're not taking bets - apparently neither is my bookie, you should have seen the look on his face when I tried to lay down five large on that beautiful beagle.
I smell an upset, bigger than the Giants over the Patriots. History is being made in 2008. Ad agencies need to forget about the Mannings and jump on the Uno bandwagon; I much rather see this dog overexposed and in too many commercials. I bet he can even host Saturday Night Live and make it worth watching.

The Great Horse Race (contd.)

From the National Affairs Desk
an analysis

Super Tuesday has come and gone and the presidential picture looks no clearer than it did two days ago. It's too early to judge the effect of the mega-primary on the odds line, but one thing worth noting is that just days before Tuesday, McCain moved into second in the odds with 2-1; exactly where I said his odds should be a week and a half ago. This illustrates once again the awesome influence and prediction powers of the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath.
It's too soon to make any legitimate predictions for the fall, but I see an interesting scenario playing out in which this election could parallel the last election without an incumbent or a Vice President in the race. With McCain widening his lead and Huckabee keeping Romney at bay, the potential for this de facto partnership to turn into a McCain/Huckabee ticket is plausible if not likely. McCain is not exactly the darling of the Religious Right or Southern base of the GOP, a Huckabee veep spot could potentially unite the party. Interestingly enough (barely enough and probably only to me), this ticket would resemble the Eisenhower/Nixon ticket of 1952. McCain arguably represents the return of the Northeastern Eisenhower/Rockefeller Republicans, as evidenced by his more moderate views, his support from Giuliani & Schwarzenegger and his strong showing in the Northeast. An even thinner parallel could be drawn between Eisenhower's disagreements with Robert A. Taft's isolationism and McCain's own feud with Ron Paul. The Huckabee/Nixon parallels are a little harder to draw, but running him as VP definitely makes political sense, plus they kinda look alike.
On the other side I still think we'll see a Clinton ticket. The parallels between her and two-time Eisenhower opponent Adlai Stevenson are so obvious to even the casual observer that they need not be stated here. She's clearly the standard bearer of the Liberal Democrat Party and an egghead technocrat that turns off middle America. If the ticket shapes out to be Clinton/Obama, experts will probably be less likely to draw parallels between Obama and Stevenson's running mate John Sparkman, a Southern Conservative Democrat from Alabama. However, if Obama's the nominee, him and Stevenson were both Illinois politicians so my theory remains intact.
In any event, this election continues to be very boring overall and I remain resolute in my disappointment in the field. My interest is purely sporting.

All the presidents' action stars

First Chuck Norris endorses Huckabee, now Sylvester Stallone has endorsed McCain. But where does Steven Seagal stand on the issues?

The Great Horse Race

From the National Affairs Desk
a few thoughts on bookies and polls

The big story so far in this year's election season has been how shamefully wrong the polls and pundits have been in calling the early primaries. I've never given much credence to the polls or the talking heads, when I want an opinion on what the future holds I turn to people who back their prognostications with cold hard cash, i.e. bookies. Chris Matthews and people of his ilk will continue to get paid no matter how inaccurate their predictions might be, but bookies pay big time if they're wrong. Economists will tell you that the prediction markets tend to be more accurate than polls. Just look at McCain, seemingly dead in the water 6 months ago, he's now the front runner to win the GOP nomination. This came as no surprise to the odds makers who've been predicting a McCain-Clinton match up since 2004.
With this in mind let's look at the odds to your left. Hillary's running at 6-5, or 1.2-1; almost even money. Now, compare her odds to the New York Giants' odds of winning the Super Bowl. The current money line on the Giants is +340, which means that a $100 bet pays $340. That translates to 3.4 to 1 odds, which means that the Giants have a worse shot of winning than Hillary. I find this both funny and perplexing. There are only two possible outcomes for the Super Bowl, while the election is much more wide open. Hillary first has to beat two contenders in the primary then take on one of five yet to be determined candidates in the GOP race. So are the Giants that bad or is Hillary that good?
The other fact I find confounding is that Al Gore has better odds than any Republican other than McCain. At this point it seems incredibly unlikely that Al Gore could win the nomination so he would almost certainly have to bank on an independent bid. Do the bookies know something that the media doesn't or are these odds simply a reflection of a weak field of candidates? Bloomberg's equally high odds surprise me but are less confusing, one can imagine a scenario in which the nominations are so polarizing (I'm thinking Huckabee/Hillary) that an independent could run up the middle and win, but even that seems like more than a 5-1 shot. I certainly wouldn't offer those odds.
My odds look like this:
Clinton 3-2
McCain 2-1
Obama 3-1
The Field 10-1
Here's my explanation, I don't like Obama's chances to win the Democrat nod at this point, but Super Tuesday can still change that, so it's hard for me to put him above McCain since he might not even break to the finals. Clinton has to be first since right now it feels like the Dems will win in November unless George Bush personally captures Bin Laden, we win the war (somehow), and everyone forgives the GOP after they get their tax rebates. McCain is the only Republican that I can see standing a chance in the general election or picking up any independents, so any other Republican seems to be non-factor. Which brings me to the field (gambling term for anyone else). I don't take any independent candidate seriously, not in our system, and I'm surprised the bookies do. Finally, I cross Al Gore and any Republican off my list for the above mentioned reasons. Right now I feel the same way about the presidential race as I do about the Super Bowl, I'm just pissed that someone has to win it.

Rocking the Vote to Sleep

From the National Affairs Desk
an editorial

If you've turned on the TV, listened to the radio, gone online, or just like to read bumper stickers, then you're probably well aware that election season is upon us. And you're also most likely bored as hell by it. One would think that first election since 1952 without an incumbent or Vice President and the supposed "most important election of our lifetimes" would produce better candidates. The Iraq War is dragging into it's 5th year (someone better buy Rumsfeld something wooden), the dollar is weaker than a chemo patient, and the chances I'll ever cash a social security check are about as good as the chances I'll be driving my flying car to my retirement home on Mars - oh, so many broken promises. All of this and the best the two parties have to offer are a woman who's only qualification is being the wife of the last president to be impeached (so far), a minister who thinks Earth's 6,000 years old, the dude from Law and Order, a man who sounds like he's from the Middle East but only has experience in the Midwest, a mayor (honestly, how hard can it be to run just one city?), a man who might be the Manchurian Candidate, a trial lawyer that probably still gets carded, a Mormon who may actually be a robot, and a libertarian.
Despite all of this, I recently updated my voter registration so I can perform my civic duty. America's really asking a lot this year. But I remain resolute in my decision to vote and will not be disenfranchised by the Man. As we speak, the Supreme Court is deciding whether requiring a photo ID to vote is a poll tax and discriminatory. I'm not sure about all of that, voting seems at least as important as cashing a check, applying for work, or buying a beer to me, but I entertained the idea that it could be discriminatory as I visited the Secretary of State's website to register to vote. Two options were presented to me: I could print a registration form, put it in an envelope, place a stamp on it, and mail it; or, I could request that a postage paid registration card be sent to my house. This got me thinking, if the argument goes that requiring an ID is discriminatory because the cost of a license is a de facto poll tax then why in God's Free America should I spend money on printer ink, paper, an envelope, and a stamp just to vote? Especially this year. I requested that postage paid card, would it kill them to send me a pen too? I'm not made out of office supplies. I didn't stop with registering, oh no, I also sent a letter to the Secretary of State demanding that a voting machine be brought to my house so that I may vote. Gas is expensive and I'm not walking. I will not be disenfranchised and I await the Secretary's response.

"If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it." - Mark Twain

Wait 'Till Next Year

From the Sports Desk
an editorial


It's been a rough couple of days here at the OrGiveMeDeath compound. What happened? We were so close to brining back the good times when the Cowboys were in the Super Bowl and life made sense. Now I'm not sure what to think. It's easy to point fingers and pass the blame around, so I'm going start by placing most of the blame on offensive line coach Tony Sparano. Anyone who watched Sunday's game could see that the offensive line didn't show up, they might as well have patted the Giants' linemen on the ass on their way to take out Romo. This has everything to do with Sparano's widely reported plans to coach the Dolphins next season. I lost count of how many times Dallas was flagged for false starts, an obvious sign of no discipline. That's what happens when you have a line coach who's already cleaned out his desk and is dreaming of palm trees, sea mammals and the train wreck of a supposed "professional football" team. Bill Parcels has had his revenge.
Many will be quick to blame Romo. With two straight blown final plays in the playoffs it's easy to become a Romo-phobe, but I say give him time, not every undrafted QB can take the Dallas Cowboys to the playoffs in his first two years as a starter. I know TO agrees with me, his tearful performance at the post-game press conference had me hugging the TV and sobbing with him. Romo may have seemed to fall apart towards the end, but the play calling by the boy-genius Jason Garrett in the last two minutes seemed panicky and someone needs to teach Patrick Crayton how to catch. At least Jessica Simpson wasn't there. The biased, east coast, anti-Texas, liberal media tried their best to rattle Romo by making Simpson an issue. They've lowered themselves to name calling, labeling Simpson "Yoko Romo" and Romo "Tony Romeo" (although I personally think "Romosexual" would be funnier). They even went as far as sending a look alike to the game to distract Romo. Despite the loss, I doubt any of this really affected the game, although a case could be made that many things become irrelevant once you've gone to Cancun with Jessica Simpson.
Finally, a word to Brett Favre: Please destroy the Giants. I know I give you a hard time and point out your overrated career every chance I get, but I don't think I could stomach a Boston-New York Super Bowl (although I'm picking the Chargers).


In other news

The Houston Chronicle is reporting that Texas state representative Boris Miles (D-Houston) allegedly brandished a pistol at a recent party and started all kinds of trouble. David Harris, a rival of Miles, alleges that Miles showed up at a hotel ballroom uninvited and began to harass guests while displaying a gun. Harris claims that Miles threatened to "take him down" and told him that there "wasn't room in town for the two of them." (Houston population: 2.14 million) Miles then proclaimed himself to be a "gangster" and a "thug" and proceeded to give Harris a Bugs Bunny-esque kiss on the lips. Before leaving the party, witness and Harris claim that Miles forcibly kissed Harris' wife.
This event comes just months after Rep. Miles shot and wounded a man he claims was stealing copper wire from his home, he was not charged in the incident.
My question: is Miles hiring? Where do I email my resume? I would be a great capitol staffer/thug. As a policy wonk and a journey-level gangster I can analyze policy, shine shoes, and extort protection money out of shopkeeps, whatever it takes; plus I can provide my own gun and fedora. This could be the break I need to make it in politics/crime. Think about it Boris.

SNUFF FILM INDUSTRY UNAFFECTED BY WRITER'S STRIKE

Helpless Victim Strike Goes Unnoticed

3 January, 2008 (Hollywood, CA): As the Writers Guild of America's strike, now entering its third month, brings work at television and film studios to a halt, audiences are now turning to alternative forms of entertainment. The snuff film industry, left untouched by the WGA work stoppage, is now seeing record growth.
One explanation is that the issue at the heart of the WGA's dispute, compensation for online media and DVDs, has not affected snuff films. According to an unnamed snuff film producer the industry avoids this area of contention because many films are only available in 8mm and are typically shown in private screenings.
"It's all about who gets the biggest slice of the pie," explained another unnamed spokesperson for the industry. "In the traditional film industry big name actors cost big bucks, as do good writers. Our industry cuts costs by relying heavily on improvisation. Also, the actors typically do only one film; in fact, some of our biggest stars are never seen again. Residuals are rarely an issue," he continued.
While the industry is on the rise, experts don't expect the trend to last. Bruno Kowalski - an undercover police officer inadvertently contacted online while investigating this story - was highly skeptical of sustained growth for the industry. "Their days are numbered you sick [expletive deleted]," stated Kowalski. Ultimately, the strike will end, as evidenced by the return of late night programming. But, as Jay Leno proved last night, there will always be a market for watching a person die on film.

Happy 2008!

“New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” - Mark Twain

The Right to Sever Arms


Last week, the British government outlawed the sale of samurai swords in a move that demonstrated the very same brand of despotism that led our own great nation to break away from the crown. The United Kingdom's Home Office made the move in response to a wave of recent crimes involving the weapons, including the murder of a member of parliament and a violent rampage that injured 11 in front of a Catholic church.
This should prove a very import point about gun control. A country that already outlawed most guns now has a sword epidemic. When will governments learn that they can't legislate away craziness. Samurai swords don't kill people, people with samurai swords do - very quietly.

Happy Repeal Day!

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.” - Dean Martin

Cheers to 74 years of legal enjoyment.

TEEN'S DEATH SHOCKS FEW

Friend: "It was bound to happen"


2 December, 2007 (Muncie, IN): One teen is a dead and a man is injured after a head-on collision early Sunday morning. Tiffany Geere (pictured) was found dead on the scene; the driver of the other vehicle was hospitalized and is listed in good condition. Police believe that Geere swerved her vehicle into oncoming traffic after becoming preoccupied with her iPhone.
The recovered iPhone reveals that Geere, 17, is the latest teen to fall victim to widely publicized, much hyped, teen-killing phenomena. The victim's web history indicates that Geere was using her iPhone to upload her address and social security number onto her MySpace site at the time of the collision. Text messages sent just minutes before the accident, presumably while the victim was driving, have led police to believe that Geere was on the way to meet a local sex offender. Additionally, a toxicology report found evidence of a plethora of prescription drugs and narcotics in the victim's system including, but not limited to, qualudes, oxycodone, ecstasy, vicodin, and "cheese", the latest teen drug sensation concocted from heroin and Tylenol PM.
Authorities believe Geere was wearing her seatbelt.
The apparent multiple causes of the accident were especially shocking to the victim's father, local TV anchorman Brian Geere. Geere is best known for his Local Emmy Award winning weekly segment "What's Killing Our Children," which has shed light on dangerous teen behaviors ranging from texting while driving to prescription drug abuse.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial


Seventeen months and 26 Brett Favre interceptions have passed since my last post. While I was out the Democrats took power, North Korea got the bomb and Pluto was kicked out of the solar system. What a memorable and terrifying year. Who could forget where they were when they heard the news that Canada had defeated the United States 15-11 in the 2006 World Lacrosse Championship; marking only the second time the US failed to reach gold? As I've warned in the past, losing global sports hegemony will cost us our stature on the world stage.
However, it is a much more joyous and monumental occasion that has brought me out of hiatus. As first predicted here over two years ago, Brett Favre has shattered the all-time NFL record for interceptions thrown. Favre passed George Blanda's previous record of 277 in record time by reaching the record in just 17 seasons, compared to Blanda's 26. This is a historical occasion that is going widely unreported by the major media who continue to verbally fellate the aging QB on a weekly basis.
In the summer of 2005, I predicted [on a now defunct myspace blog]that Favre would break the record in 3 seasons. When OrGiveMeDeath got started the counter had Favre at 11th all-time. Now, at the halfway mark of the third season, OrGiveMeDeath has cemented its reputation as a premier prognosticator in the sports blogosphere. Who else could have had the keen insight to extrapolate basic statistical data to make a simple projection? Not ESPN. Not Sports Illustrated.
This development does raise a few questions about the blog's future. Is the counter still relevant? Yes. It stands as a tribute to the Ironman's accoplishment and also as a challenge to the Eli Mannings and Rex Grossmans of the world. One editorial decision I've come to after much soul searching is to refrain from writing a new headline story every time Brett Favre breaks his own interception record. While doing so would ensure new material for the foreseeable future, I've been told that it may get tiresome.
The final question is whether this event will end my hiatus indefinitely. At the time I abandoned this project like a bastard child it was at the top of the blogosphere with readership knocking on the dozens. Now, with single digit readership and motivation waning, where do we go from here? Blogs were so 2006 anyway, they're a passing fad and it's time to grow up America.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

Study: MOONLIGHT 15X MORE CANCEROUS THAN SUNLIGHT

Lycanthropy remains disputed

8 November, 2007 (Boulder, CO): A new study by the University of Colorado's Center for Astrophysics and Space Astronomy (CASA) has found that moonlight poses a greater threat than sunlight but that the threat is diminished due to the moon's small size. According to the recent report, Your Moon and You: What You Didn't Know About the Moon, exposure to direct moon light greatly increases the risk of developing basal cell carcinoma (BCC), the most common form of skin cancer. However, the report also stated that the moon poses no threat due to it's small size, weak light and regular phases. Astronomer and moon-enthusiast Dr. Lon Endore summarized the findings by stating that the moon was the "daddy-long-legs of space." When asked to clarify, Dr. Endore said,"the daddy-long-legs has enough poison to kill you, but has fangs too small to deliver the poison, so too does the moon have enough energy to kill you, but sadly cannot."
Critics were quick to point out flaws in the study; namely, that moon the produces no light of its own. In an interview with NPR, Dr. Guy Cheney of CASA responded, "of course we know the moon makes no light, but it's like skiing bro. You get a worse sunburn from the snow than the sun, the moon is like the snow. Why do you think the Apollo astronauts wore those big suits?" Critics have yet to respond.

CELEBRATING ONE YEAR ON HIATUS.















Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain

ON HIATUS


When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

When I started this blog back in September I had two goals in mind: provide people with hard-hitting fake news and promote awareness of Brett Favre's poor performance and over-rated career. With these goals in mind I would just like to thank Brett Favre for keeping Or Give Me Death alive by staying in the league another season. Honestly, what would I do if I didn't have Favre's interceptions to keep track of? There's nothing that can replace the Favre INT Watch. Fearing an early retirement, I tried to work in the DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN, but it's just not the same. But thankfully, Brett's back and the counter is here to stay. I don't want to bring that baby down until he breaks the record - which he will.
Back in August, I predicted it would take 3 seasons for the Gunslinger to shatter the interception record but he shut me up by throwing a career-high, league leading 28 interceptions last year. Now he could easily break the record this year! Good hustle, Ironman, way to go the extra mile and prove me wrong. Finally, I've got a message for new Packers coach Mike McCarthy - I know all the Pack read the blog - Mike, Aaron Rodgers is a bust and if you bench Favre you're betraying Green Bay and a coward.

That's all America,
Hiro

FRANKLIN MOUNTAIN GORILLA-MAN STRIKES AGAIN
Authorities baffled as search widens

28 April, 2006 (El Paso, TX): El Paso County Sheriff officials are searching the mountainous regions of north El Paso for what they believe might be a violent animal after the discovery of the second mountain-biker found dead in as many weeks. The unnamed biker was found dead, apparently beaten to death with his own arms, which were discovered approx. 300 yards from the body. Since January, four deaths and two injuries have already been attributed to the mystery assailant. In a statement to The El Paso Times, El Paso City-County Animal Regulation & Disease Control has denied reports of a wild primate on the loose in West and Northeast El Paso.
Sheriff officials are looking for what could be either a wild primate of some kind or a deranged, incredibly strong person in a gorilla costume. During a press conference early Thursday morning, regional Game Warden Bill Meyers said, "No man could inflict the damage we've seen, we've got an animal on our hands...I've seen this before." A spokesman from the Sheriff's Dept. was less convinced of the existence of a gorilla on the loose saying, "I think it would be best to wait until all the facts are in before making any grandiose assumptions about the existence of an El Paso 'bigfoot.'"
Or Give Me Death will continue to follow this story as it develops.

CHARLES MANSON TO BE PAROLED IN 2007, NEW ALBUM ANNOUNCED
Reunion tour with Beach Boys in the works

17 April, 2006 (Marin County, California): Convicted murderer and former hippy cult leader Charles Manson will reportedly be released following his 2007 parole hearing. Sources inside the California Board of Prison Terms say that drastic improvements in Mr. Manson's behavior have led the Board to believe that the troubled folk singer is fit for release under strict observation.
The Board is said to have been moved by a recent letter sent to them by Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. Manson, who wrote the Beach Boys song Never Learn Not To Love, recently contacted Wilson after years of silence. Initially hesitant, Wilson became convinced after two years of correspondence that Manson had been rehabilitated. After a recent visit to San Quentin Prison, Wilson made it his mission to have Manson freed.
Charles Manson claims music is his "soul" and has been the key to his rehabilitation. In a recent hearing Manson said that if released he would "get back to his roots" as a folk singer and begin work on a studio album for Capitol Records. This will be his first release since the 1970 breakthrough album LIE: The Love And Terror Cult. Wilson is expected to produce a digitally remastered re-release of LIE as well as Manson's latest effort. Rumors of a Manson/Beach Boys tour have yet to be confirmed. Due to parole restrictions, however, any tour would have to be limited to California. The Coachella music festival has expressed interest.

“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.”
-Charles Manson

ZOMBIE ELECTED MAYOR IN HAITI

9 April, 2006 (Les Cayes, Haiti): A man who gained notoriety as the "Zombie Man of Les Cayes" can now call the mayor's mansion home. Voters in a recent runoff election chose the alleged "zombie" to be the next mayor of Les Cayes. "Zombie Man" and mayor-elect Clairvius Piaf has repeatedly made the claim that he was zombified at the age of 19 and forced to work on a sugar plantation for three years.
Zombification has reportedly been practiced in Haiti for centuries. According to folklore and research conducted by anthropologists a mixture of toad skin and puffer fish poison is used to simulate death. After "dying" the victim is revived and then given a hallucinogene to create a mindless state.
Piaf was declared dead on May 1, 1985 and then reportedly resurrected within a month. Afterwards, he was forced into working on a sugar plantation without pay. After he had worked on the plantation in a supposed zombie-like state for three years his captors abandoned the plantation and its zombie day-laborers for unknown reasons. Upon achieving his freedom Piaf is said to have wondered thru southern Haiti for close to a year before snapping out of his zombie trance.
Piaf became a local legend as he traveled throughout Haiti telling of his ordeal. His autobiography, La Vie De Zombie, remains a best-seller in Haiti today. Over the past decade Piaf turned his popularity into political support and now looks to be a major player in Haitian politics.
Piaf does have a few detractors, however. Some of the mayor's political rivals have challenged Mr. Piaf's zombie claims. Then there are other rivals who are less skeptical of Piaf's zombie past who claim that Piaf is in fact still a zombie and under the control of corrupt party officials.