GUILTY SOCIAL CONSCIENCE: "White guilt" ranks second in reasons voters support Obama

Some Democrats have seemingly confessed to being guilty by association with Barack Obama.

Following Obama's victory in the Wisconsin primary, a new poll found "white guilt" to be the second most common reason Caucasian voters gave for casting ballots on behalf of the Illinois senator. Only economic concerns ranked higher and his pledge to end the war in Iraq came in third.

"I do find it to be a little strange," said Brett Favre, a volunteer precinct captain representing Green Bay, in response to the report, "the Obama voters were mostly friendly and appeared to be in good spirits. Who knew they were harboring such guilt?"

"White guilt" is a social theory that states Caucasians may experience individual or collective guilt for racist treatment towards people of color by whites both historically and presently. Senator Obama, the most successful black presidential candidate the U.S. has ever had has enjoyed popular support among white Democrats in the previous primary elections throughout his campaign. The study was conducted by the Clark Group, a non-partisan Think Tank based in Washington, D.C. The research did not include voters outside the state of Wisconsin.

"Well, I didn't vote for Senator Obama out of any sort of guilt, I think he's an intelligent, courageous and capable leader who will make good choices in the oval office," said Ted Grice of Waukesha County, who then added with a chuckle, "but maybe now my co-worker Keisha will forgive me for calling out 'you go, girl' when it was announced that she was promoted to middle-management. Please don't print that last part in your article, by the way."

Pattie Matthews of Blooming Grove was more forthright about her voting motivation. "I certainly did vote for Barack to make amends for the actions of whites against African-Americans, including myself. Why just the other day, I told some African-American children who were being loud and running around at the grocery store to calm down and behave. I felt just terrible, I knew they saw me as the stereotypical mean old white hag. And a few months ago, I was eating lunch with one of my girlfriends from church and I told her that I found rap musical lyrics to be rather offensive. Then I turned around and saw two young African-American gentlemen at the table right behind us. I was so embarrassed. I hope my ballot serves as verifiable, undeniable proof that I am not racist what so ever. Besides, no man of any race could ever be as lax on the job as President You-Know-Who W. Bush."

Dr. Shelby Steele, a research fellow at the Hoover Institute of Stanford University and author of White Guilt: How Blacks and Whites Together Destroyed the Promise of the Civil Rights Era, believes that the findings in the study further his assertion that due to white guilt, black and whites together destroyed the promise of the civil rights era, "This study clearly supports my long-held view that, because of white guilt, black and whites together destroyed the promise of the civil rights era." he said in a statement on his website.

Senator Obama's campaign office responded to the poll results with reserved enthusiasm. "Obviously, we're not thrilled people are voting for Barack out of guilt," said Obama for America campaign manager David Plouffe in a phone interview. "However, as we are waging a challenging and historic campaign for change, we welcome voters supporting Barack for any reason. It will take Americans from all walks of life, and apparently with an array of motivations, to put an agent of change in the White House. So no matter if people feel inspired by our message of change, feel unsatisfied with the state of the nation, or feel fearful of what Senator Obama and his friends might do to their car if they don't vote for him, we are happy to have their support."

The Clark Group is currently conducting a study on whether or not the less-known phenomenon of "refreshing youth guilt" was a factor in Senator John McCain's recent victories or the 1,528 votes Representative Ron Paul has received since the primaries began.

CASTRO RESIGNS PRESIDENCY TO MANAGE CUBAN NATIONAL BASEBALL TEAM

From the Caribbean Affairs Desk
special report

After months of failing health and speculation over his political future, Cuban president and Comandante en Jefe Fidel Castro has announced plans to end his 50 year reign in order to focus on the day-to-day operations of the island nation's state baseball team. In his 1,076-word "Message from the Commander in Chief" printed in Tuesday's Granma, the Communist Party newspaper, the 81 year old dictator stated that all of his attention must be turned to the 2009 World Baseball Classic. "To bring a championship home to Cuba will be the ultimate insult to the American Imperialists and the fascist stooges at Major League Baseball," said Castro. In 2006, Cuba lost to Japan in the final round of the inaugural World Baseball Classic.
"In the past five decades," the message continued, "I have stood up to ten American presidents, pointed a nuclear arsenal at the imperialists' homeland, and shook hands with Popes and Soviets Premiers; but all the while my heart and mind were never far from the great game of baseball." While members of Castro's inner circle believe he will continue to have a great influence on Cuban policy as long as he is alive, they also contend that their fearless leader has a keen mind for baseball and can put together a batting line-up like nobody's business.

Castro: A Look Back
[Time-line courtesy of the Communist Party of Cuba's Historical Society]

August 13, 1926: Castro is born, marking the first time a child was born in Cuba with a full beard.

1932: At age 6, Castro kills a wild puma that had been terrorizing his village.

1945: Castro enters law school at the University of Havana.

1947: While in school, Castro pitches a perfect game; his first of 24.

1953: Castro and the 26th of July Movement attack the Moncada Barracks in an attempt to overthrow the Batista government. Castro is sentenced to 15 years in prison for his role; he serves two years and moves to Mexico where he would meet Che Guevara and plot a violent communist take-over.

1956: Castro writes the Elvis standard, "Heartbreak Hotel."

1959: After 6 years of revolution, Castro's army takes Havana and Castro assumes power as Commander-in-Chief; Mojitos were served.

1961: After breaking off diplomatic ties earlier in the year, the U.S. government unsuccessfully attempts to depose Castro from power by supporting an armed force of Cuban exiles to retake the island - forever known as the Bay of Pigs Invasion.

1962: The Cuban Missile Crisis

1976: Castro releases an album of duets featuring several political heavyweights, including Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.

1984: Castro gets executive producer credit for Academy Award winning film "Amadeus."

1991: Castro wins the Cuban National Lottery jackpot - for the 17th and final time.

1998: Castro and a team of Cuban scientists build the first working time machine

2,000 B.C.: Castro builds the Pyramids and leads a Marxist coup against Pharaoh Mentuhotep II.

2002 A.D.: Castro is inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame

2008: Castro benevolently steps down.

Lifeless Body Boarding

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL SEEKS TO CLARIFY CONFUSION OVER MEANING OF WATERBOARDING

Amnesty International is launching a public relations campaign this week to respond to misconceptions many Americans have concerning its denouncing of waterboarding. Its primary objective is to clarify to that waterboarding is a torture technique, not an aquatic sport.

“We’ve been extremely alarmed at some of the letters and phone calls we‘ve received since our organization has formally condemned waterboarding,” said Irene Khan, Secretary General of Amnesty International. “Apparently, a significant portion of the population believes we are against some sort of water surfing and not an inhumane interrogative method that simulates drowning. Why anyone with half a brain would believe one of the world’s foremost human rights groups is against surfing is beyond me. Some of my colleagues have described this situation as hilarious; I find it purely pathetic and horrifying.”

Kathy Garrington of Enid, Oklahoma is one of the many Americans who apparently do not understand what waterboarding is. “I don’t know who this Amnesty Interacial is or what they‘re trying to sell, but I think it‘s a bunch of crap that they are trying to make waterboarding a crime. Just a bunch of crap. My precious little Trudy spent her whole summer in the pool learning tricks on her waterboard, eight hours a day like it was a job. She didn't participate in any other summer activities, which I call ‘summertivities’, not even girl scout camp. She‘s been waiting all school year to show her talents off again, maybe even put on a neighborhood show or be invited to compete in the Chinese Olympics. Who‘s going to be the ones to tell her that her favorite summertivity is now illegal? Tell you what, it ain‘t going to be me.”

According to Encyclopedia Britannica, waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of immobilizing a person on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face and into the breathing passages which may cause brain damage or death. Bodyboarding is a form of wave riding that uses a foam “boogie board” invented by surfer Tom Morey in the 1970’s instead of a traditional surfboard.

With the press reporting Lt. Gen. Michael Hayden’s admittance in a Congressional hearing that the CIA has utilized waterboarding at least three times since 2005 and Congress voting to ban the practice, the confusion seems to have spread even farther.

Charlie Wilkins, an armchair political pundit and retired baked goods delivery driver, believes the ban on waterboarding is the latest instance of unconstitutional expansion of federal power. “How about this government of ours, huh? Everytime we turn around, there‘s something new we can‘t do. Congress said waterboarding stimulates drowning. Well drowning won’t be stimulated if a kid can get his got dang head out his butt and stay on his board. I‘ll tell you what, back when I was growing up, we did whatever we pleased; we called kids who stunk at sports fags, we shot tigers at the zoo with slingshots, and ate apple pie until it came out our butts. That‘s when this country was going places. Then the liberals crawled out of someone‘s butt and start legislating against fun. Those light-loafer-limousine-liberal losers always on our butts about enjoying our freedoms. They sure put the 'dumb' in freedom if you ask me. You know who‘ll put us back on track? R** P***. The media is censoring the silent majority who supports this great man. The libero-fascist media, like orgivemedeath.com, don‘t want you to know who R** P*** is, but he's a hero and I‘m screaming his name from rooftops; R** P***! R** P***! R** P***!”
(Editor's Note: It is the official policy of orgivemedeath.com to report the news fairly and objectively. Orgivemedeath.com does not censor its contributors or its sources).

At least one individual is appreciative of Amnesty International’s efforts to educate the public. David “Wavey Davy” Burns, founder and CEO of "The Water Boarding School" in San Diego, CA, claims his business has suffered due to the negative attention associated with his establishment's name. “Well, needless to say, we couldn‘t get a Middle-Easterner to enroll if our lives depended on it,” Burns said. “And the hippies haven‘t been coming around as often. I suspect they‘ve been going over to my arch nemesis‘ Tsunami Tommy‘s shop, who had his own public relations disaster a few years ago. Or maybe they’re just staying home and getting stoned.”

If poor publicity persists, Burns is concerned about the future of his enterprise. “If this backlash keeps up, I guess we‘ll have to find a new name, which sucks because I think ours is so damn clever. Either that or hire new instructors and start teaching people how to torture terrorists. Our marketing guys are currently looking into which is a more financially-sound option.”

Mark Williams of The Sophisticated Sophomore Digest contributed to this report...but not all that much.

Allow me to reintroduce myself...

"It's not the SIZE of the dog in the FIGHT,

but the SIZE of the FIGHT in the dog that counts."

It is with this bold aphorism spoken previously by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, Governor Michael Huckabee, and belligerent 5'2 drunk asses stumbling through the shadows of West Sixth Street (with the term "bro" casually inserted every few syllables), that I proudly make my debut on http://www.orgivemedeath.com/.
When my esteemed colleague, the world-renowned political scientist Hiro Kowabunga initially invited me to be a contributor to this website, after tucking a 5 spot into my waistband & inquiring about my VIP service rates, I must admit I was reluctant. Needless to say, as an overweight dwarf-American with a checkered past/present, I tend to be a tad self-conscious about sharing my opinion on anything other than undergarment fashion trends and formaldehyde concoctions.
However, I feel, and I hope the readers will agree, it is precisely my unorthodox role in the theater of existence that makes my perspective so important. Until now, few people have had the opportunity to see the world as I do (no, I do not mean at constant ass/crotch-level). For the benefit of those who desire to know the thought process of a person in my shoes, I vow to "go all in" with my chips of insight at the metaphysical poker table of universal being.
As a contributor to orgivemedeath.com, I will be the telescopic lens through which our readers may see a new point of view on topics such as politics, popular culture, ancient culture (prepare to be lampooned, Tigranes the so-called Great), games of sport, the civilized arts, my ex-girlfriends, and our home base city of Austin, Texas.
To serve my readers to the best of my ability, I hereby pledge to adhere to the following code of journalistic and analytic honor by which I intend to conduct myself and my literature:

Fatticus Inch's Declaration of Principles

1) To tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, unless inebriants intervene.

2) To combat the exploitation and ostracization of individuals who suffer from Achondroplasia (the genetic condition commonly referred to as "dwarfism").

3) To promote the continued employment of midgets in the adult entertainment industry, particularly erotic cinema and arousal inducing interpretive dance expression.

4) To voice a politically liberal perspective currently grossly underrepresented in contemporary media.

All I ask in return from my readers is that they hold me accountable to these noble standards and see Martinez Bros. Taxidermy on South Lamar for all your fauna stuffing & mounting needs (tell them Fatticus sent you!).
So, friends, readers, and friendly readers, it with great excitement, and admittedly a touch of nervousness, that I present this to the public, the FIRST of what I anticipate to be at least 10 posts.

May truth and justice reign; $7.50 lapdances on Tuesdays!

More from the Horse Race

From the National Affairs Desk
odds update

It seems the bookies have finally come along to my side and dropped Gore and Bloomberg from their presidential betting line. The two unannounced candidates never stood a chance by my estimation and I was shocked that their odds remained so good so deep into primary season. In any case, they're gone now and I have been vindicated. They've also seen the light about ranking McCain second - it makes no sense for a candidate who may not win their primary to be ranked higher than a candidate who has theirs all but locked up.
But I can admit when I'm wrong. It no longer seems like Clinton is the sure thing I pegged her to be. I always assumed the establishment candidate got their way, but the delegates, voters and bookies may no longer think so. She's far from out of it though, if she wins Texas and Ohio she could pull ahead. And there's always the chance of a brokered convention.
Don't count out the long shots either. Ron Paul may seem dead in the water, but I happen to know of a certain beagle that had worse odds (325-1) than him that managed to overcome adversity and win. Gravel, however, is dead in the water. Dead and sinking just like the rock in his freaky YouTube ad.

Life Aint Nothin' but Money & Bitches

From the Sports Desk
dog show analysis

With football season now gone and baseball season still over a month away we can turn our attention to the cream of the sporting world: the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. This year's crowd favorite is Uno the beagle. America loves an underdog, and this underdog just happens to be an actual dog; what's not to love? But the elitist, terrier-hugger judges have never allowed a beagle to win the second oldest event in sports. These ivory tower caninophiles continue to pick style over substance and deny a good, honest, American dog like the beagle top prize. Does not every dog deserve its day? Look at this dog people! You're telling me some French dog with a perm deserves the prize over this? Ridiculous.
Even though Uno has already won the hound division - the first beagle to do so since 1939 - the odds makers at the Wynn Las Vegas don't give him a chance to win Best in Show. Rather than give odds on individual dogs, the lazy bookies at the Wynn give odds based on breeds. Evidently, making a money line for 2,627 dogs is too much to ask of a billion dollar casino. The favored breed is the standard poodle at 25-1; the beagles don't even break the top 6. Unfortunately, the line is purely entertainment and they're not taking bets - apparently neither is my bookie, you should have seen the look on his face when I tried to lay down five large on that beautiful beagle.
I smell an upset, bigger than the Giants over the Patriots. History is being made in 2008. Ad agencies need to forget about the Mannings and jump on the Uno bandwagon; I much rather see this dog overexposed and in too many commercials. I bet he can even host Saturday Night Live and make it worth watching.

The Great Horse Race (contd.)

From the National Affairs Desk
an analysis

Super Tuesday has come and gone and the presidential picture looks no clearer than it did two days ago. It's too early to judge the effect of the mega-primary on the odds line, but one thing worth noting is that just days before Tuesday, McCain moved into second in the odds with 2-1; exactly where I said his odds should be a week and a half ago. This illustrates once again the awesome influence and prediction powers of the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath.
It's too soon to make any legitimate predictions for the fall, but I see an interesting scenario playing out in which this election could parallel the last election without an incumbent or a Vice President in the race. With McCain widening his lead and Huckabee keeping Romney at bay, the potential for this de facto partnership to turn into a McCain/Huckabee ticket is plausible if not likely. McCain is not exactly the darling of the Religious Right or Southern base of the GOP, a Huckabee veep spot could potentially unite the party. Interestingly enough (barely enough and probably only to me), this ticket would resemble the Eisenhower/Nixon ticket of 1952. McCain arguably represents the return of the Northeastern Eisenhower/Rockefeller Republicans, as evidenced by his more moderate views, his support from Giuliani & Schwarzenegger and his strong showing in the Northeast. An even thinner parallel could be drawn between Eisenhower's disagreements with Robert A. Taft's isolationism and McCain's own feud with Ron Paul. The Huckabee/Nixon parallels are a little harder to draw, but running him as VP definitely makes political sense, plus they kinda look alike.
On the other side I still think we'll see a Clinton ticket. The parallels between her and two-time Eisenhower opponent Adlai Stevenson are so obvious to even the casual observer that they need not be stated here. She's clearly the standard bearer of the Liberal Democrat Party and an egghead technocrat that turns off middle America. If the ticket shapes out to be Clinton/Obama, experts will probably be less likely to draw parallels between Obama and Stevenson's running mate John Sparkman, a Southern Conservative Democrat from Alabama. However, if Obama's the nominee, him and Stevenson were both Illinois politicians so my theory remains intact.
In any event, this election continues to be very boring overall and I remain resolute in my disappointment in the field. My interest is purely sporting.

All the presidents' action stars

First Chuck Norris endorses Huckabee, now Sylvester Stallone has endorsed McCain. But where does Steven Seagal stand on the issues?

The Great Horse Race

From the National Affairs Desk
a few thoughts on bookies and polls

The big story so far in this year's election season has been how shamefully wrong the polls and pundits have been in calling the early primaries. I've never given much credence to the polls or the talking heads, when I want an opinion on what the future holds I turn to people who back their prognostications with cold hard cash, i.e. bookies. Chris Matthews and people of his ilk will continue to get paid no matter how inaccurate their predictions might be, but bookies pay big time if they're wrong. Economists will tell you that the prediction markets tend to be more accurate than polls. Just look at McCain, seemingly dead in the water 6 months ago, he's now the front runner to win the GOP nomination. This came as no surprise to the odds makers who've been predicting a McCain-Clinton match up since 2004.
With this in mind let's look at the odds to your left. Hillary's running at 6-5, or 1.2-1; almost even money. Now, compare her odds to the New York Giants' odds of winning the Super Bowl. The current money line on the Giants is +340, which means that a $100 bet pays $340. That translates to 3.4 to 1 odds, which means that the Giants have a worse shot of winning than Hillary. I find this both funny and perplexing. There are only two possible outcomes for the Super Bowl, while the election is much more wide open. Hillary first has to beat two contenders in the primary then take on one of five yet to be determined candidates in the GOP race. So are the Giants that bad or is Hillary that good?
The other fact I find confounding is that Al Gore has better odds than any Republican other than McCain. At this point it seems incredibly unlikely that Al Gore could win the nomination so he would almost certainly have to bank on an independent bid. Do the bookies know something that the media doesn't or are these odds simply a reflection of a weak field of candidates? Bloomberg's equally high odds surprise me but are less confusing, one can imagine a scenario in which the nominations are so polarizing (I'm thinking Huckabee/Hillary) that an independent could run up the middle and win, but even that seems like more than a 5-1 shot. I certainly wouldn't offer those odds.
My odds look like this:
Clinton 3-2
McCain 2-1
Obama 3-1
The Field 10-1
Here's my explanation, I don't like Obama's chances to win the Democrat nod at this point, but Super Tuesday can still change that, so it's hard for me to put him above McCain since he might not even break to the finals. Clinton has to be first since right now it feels like the Dems will win in November unless George Bush personally captures Bin Laden, we win the war (somehow), and everyone forgives the GOP after they get their tax rebates. McCain is the only Republican that I can see standing a chance in the general election or picking up any independents, so any other Republican seems to be non-factor. Which brings me to the field (gambling term for anyone else). I don't take any independent candidate seriously, not in our system, and I'm surprised the bookies do. Finally, I cross Al Gore and any Republican off my list for the above mentioned reasons. Right now I feel the same way about the presidential race as I do about the Super Bowl, I'm just pissed that someone has to win it.

Rocking the Vote to Sleep

From the National Affairs Desk
an editorial

If you've turned on the TV, listened to the radio, gone online, or just like to read bumper stickers, then you're probably well aware that election season is upon us. And you're also most likely bored as hell by it. One would think that first election since 1952 without an incumbent or Vice President and the supposed "most important election of our lifetimes" would produce better candidates. The Iraq War is dragging into it's 5th year (someone better buy Rumsfeld something wooden), the dollar is weaker than a chemo patient, and the chances I'll ever cash a social security check are about as good as the chances I'll be driving my flying car to my retirement home on Mars - oh, so many broken promises. All of this and the best the two parties have to offer are a woman who's only qualification is being the wife of the last president to be impeached (so far), a minister who thinks Earth's 6,000 years old, the dude from Law and Order, a man who sounds like he's from the Middle East but only has experience in the Midwest, a mayor (honestly, how hard can it be to run just one city?), a man who might be the Manchurian Candidate, a trial lawyer that probably still gets carded, a Mormon who may actually be a robot, and a libertarian.
Despite all of this, I recently updated my voter registration so I can perform my civic duty. America's really asking a lot this year. But I remain resolute in my decision to vote and will not be disenfranchised by the Man. As we speak, the Supreme Court is deciding whether requiring a photo ID to vote is a poll tax and discriminatory. I'm not sure about all of that, voting seems at least as important as cashing a check, applying for work, or buying a beer to me, but I entertained the idea that it could be discriminatory as I visited the Secretary of State's website to register to vote. Two options were presented to me: I could print a registration form, put it in an envelope, place a stamp on it, and mail it; or, I could request that a postage paid registration card be sent to my house. This got me thinking, if the argument goes that requiring an ID is discriminatory because the cost of a license is a de facto poll tax then why in God's Free America should I spend money on printer ink, paper, an envelope, and a stamp just to vote? Especially this year. I requested that postage paid card, would it kill them to send me a pen too? I'm not made out of office supplies. I didn't stop with registering, oh no, I also sent a letter to the Secretary of State demanding that a voting machine be brought to my house so that I may vote. Gas is expensive and I'm not walking. I will not be disenfranchised and I await the Secretary's response.

"If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it." - Mark Twain

Wait 'Till Next Year

From the Sports Desk
an editorial


It's been a rough couple of days here at the OrGiveMeDeath compound. What happened? We were so close to brining back the good times when the Cowboys were in the Super Bowl and life made sense. Now I'm not sure what to think. It's easy to point fingers and pass the blame around, so I'm going start by placing most of the blame on offensive line coach Tony Sparano. Anyone who watched Sunday's game could see that the offensive line didn't show up, they might as well have patted the Giants' linemen on the ass on their way to take out Romo. This has everything to do with Sparano's widely reported plans to coach the Dolphins next season. I lost count of how many times Dallas was flagged for false starts, an obvious sign of no discipline. That's what happens when you have a line coach who's already cleaned out his desk and is dreaming of palm trees, sea mammals and the train wreck of a supposed "professional football" team. Bill Parcels has had his revenge.
Many will be quick to blame Romo. With two straight blown final plays in the playoffs it's easy to become a Romo-phobe, but I say give him time, not every undrafted QB can take the Dallas Cowboys to the playoffs in his first two years as a starter. I know TO agrees with me, his tearful performance at the post-game press conference had me hugging the TV and sobbing with him. Romo may have seemed to fall apart towards the end, but the play calling by the boy-genius Jason Garrett in the last two minutes seemed panicky and someone needs to teach Patrick Crayton how to catch. At least Jessica Simpson wasn't there. The biased, east coast, anti-Texas, liberal media tried their best to rattle Romo by making Simpson an issue. They've lowered themselves to name calling, labeling Simpson "Yoko Romo" and Romo "Tony Romeo" (although I personally think "Romosexual" would be funnier). They even went as far as sending a look alike to the game to distract Romo. Despite the loss, I doubt any of this really affected the game, although a case could be made that many things become irrelevant once you've gone to Cancun with Jessica Simpson.
Finally, a word to Brett Favre: Please destroy the Giants. I know I give you a hard time and point out your overrated career every chance I get, but I don't think I could stomach a Boston-New York Super Bowl (although I'm picking the Chargers).


In other news

The Houston Chronicle is reporting that Texas state representative Boris Miles (D-Houston) allegedly brandished a pistol at a recent party and started all kinds of trouble. David Harris, a rival of Miles, alleges that Miles showed up at a hotel ballroom uninvited and began to harass guests while displaying a gun. Harris claims that Miles threatened to "take him down" and told him that there "wasn't room in town for the two of them." (Houston population: 2.14 million) Miles then proclaimed himself to be a "gangster" and a "thug" and proceeded to give Harris a Bugs Bunny-esque kiss on the lips. Before leaving the party, witness and Harris claim that Miles forcibly kissed Harris' wife.
This event comes just months after Rep. Miles shot and wounded a man he claims was stealing copper wire from his home, he was not charged in the incident.
My question: is Miles hiring? Where do I email my resume? I would be a great capitol staffer/thug. As a policy wonk and a journey-level gangster I can analyze policy, shine shoes, and extort protection money out of shopkeeps, whatever it takes; plus I can provide my own gun and fedora. This could be the break I need to make it in politics/crime. Think about it Boris.

SNUFF FILM INDUSTRY UNAFFECTED BY WRITER'S STRIKE

Helpless Victim Strike Goes Unnoticed

3 January, 2008 (Hollywood, CA): As the Writers Guild of America's strike, now entering its third month, brings work at television and film studios to a halt, audiences are now turning to alternative forms of entertainment. The snuff film industry, left untouched by the WGA work stoppage, is now seeing record growth.
One explanation is that the issue at the heart of the WGA's dispute, compensation for online media and DVDs, has not affected snuff films. According to an unnamed snuff film producer the industry avoids this area of contention because many films are only available in 8mm and are typically shown in private screenings.
"It's all about who gets the biggest slice of the pie," explained another unnamed spokesperson for the industry. "In the traditional film industry big name actors cost big bucks, as do good writers. Our industry cuts costs by relying heavily on improvisation. Also, the actors typically do only one film; in fact, some of our biggest stars are never seen again. Residuals are rarely an issue," he continued.
While the industry is on the rise, experts don't expect the trend to last. Bruno Kowalski - an undercover police officer inadvertently contacted online while investigating this story - was highly skeptical of sustained growth for the industry. "Their days are numbered you sick [expletive deleted]," stated Kowalski. Ultimately, the strike will end, as evidenced by the return of late night programming. But, as Jay Leno proved last night, there will always be a market for watching a person die on film.

Happy 2008!

“New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” - Mark Twain

The Right to Sever Arms


Last week, the British government outlawed the sale of samurai swords in a move that demonstrated the very same brand of despotism that led our own great nation to break away from the crown. The United Kingdom's Home Office made the move in response to a wave of recent crimes involving the weapons, including the murder of a member of parliament and a violent rampage that injured 11 in front of a Catholic church.
This should prove a very import point about gun control. A country that already outlawed most guns now has a sword epidemic. When will governments learn that they can't legislate away craziness. Samurai swords don't kill people, people with samurai swords do - very quietly.

Happy Repeal Day!

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.” - Dean Martin

Cheers to 74 years of legal enjoyment.

TEEN'S DEATH SHOCKS FEW

Friend: "It was bound to happen"


2 December, 2007 (Muncie, IN): One teen is a dead and a man is injured after a head-on collision early Sunday morning. Tiffany Geere (pictured) was found dead on the scene; the driver of the other vehicle was hospitalized and is listed in good condition. Police believe that Geere swerved her vehicle into oncoming traffic after becoming preoccupied with her iPhone.
The recovered iPhone reveals that Geere, 17, is the latest teen to fall victim to widely publicized, much hyped, teen-killing phenomena. The victim's web history indicates that Geere was using her iPhone to upload her address and social security number onto her MySpace site at the time of the collision. Text messages sent just minutes before the accident, presumably while the victim was driving, have led police to believe that Geere was on the way to meet a local sex offender. Additionally, a toxicology report found evidence of a plethora of prescription drugs and narcotics in the victim's system including, but not limited to, qualudes, oxycodone, ecstasy, vicodin, and "cheese", the latest teen drug sensation concocted from heroin and Tylenol PM.
Authorities believe Geere was wearing her seatbelt.
The apparent multiple causes of the accident were especially shocking to the victim's father, local TV anchorman Brian Geere. Geere is best known for his Local Emmy Award winning weekly segment "What's Killing Our Children," which has shed light on dangerous teen behaviors ranging from texting while driving to prescription drug abuse.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial


Seventeen months and 26 Brett Favre interceptions have passed since my last post. While I was out the Democrats took power, North Korea got the bomb and Pluto was kicked out of the solar system. What a memorable and terrifying year. Who could forget where they were when they heard the news that Canada had defeated the United States 15-11 in the 2006 World Lacrosse Championship; marking only the second time the US failed to reach gold? As I've warned in the past, losing global sports hegemony will cost us our stature on the world stage.
However, it is a much more joyous and monumental occasion that has brought me out of hiatus. As first predicted here over two years ago, Brett Favre has shattered the all-time NFL record for interceptions thrown. Favre passed George Blanda's previous record of 277 in record time by reaching the record in just 17 seasons, compared to Blanda's 26. This is a historical occasion that is going widely unreported by the major media who continue to verbally fellate the aging QB on a weekly basis.
In the summer of 2005, I predicted [on a now defunct myspace blog]that Favre would break the record in 3 seasons. When OrGiveMeDeath got started the counter had Favre at 11th all-time. Now, at the halfway mark of the third season, OrGiveMeDeath has cemented its reputation as a premier prognosticator in the sports blogosphere. Who else could have had the keen insight to extrapolate basic statistical data to make a simple projection? Not ESPN. Not Sports Illustrated.
This development does raise a few questions about the blog's future. Is the counter still relevant? Yes. It stands as a tribute to the Ironman's accoplishment and also as a challenge to the Eli Mannings and Rex Grossmans of the world. One editorial decision I've come to after much soul searching is to refrain from writing a new headline story every time Brett Favre breaks his own interception record. While doing so would ensure new material for the foreseeable future, I've been told that it may get tiresome.
The final question is whether this event will end my hiatus indefinitely. At the time I abandoned this project like a bastard child it was at the top of the blogosphere with readership knocking on the dozens. Now, with single digit readership and motivation waning, where do we go from here? Blogs were so 2006 anyway, they're a passing fad and it's time to grow up America.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

Study: MOONLIGHT 15X MORE CANCEROUS THAN SUNLIGHT

Lycanthropy remains disputed

8 November, 2007 (Boulder, CO): A new study by the University of Colorado's Center for Astrophysics and Space Astronomy (CASA) has found that moonlight poses a greater threat than sunlight but that the threat is diminished due to the moon's small size. According to the recent report, Your Moon and You: What You Didn't Know About the Moon, exposure to direct moon light greatly increases the risk of developing basal cell carcinoma (BCC), the most common form of skin cancer. However, the report also stated that the moon poses no threat due to it's small size, weak light and regular phases. Astronomer and moon-enthusiast Dr. Lon Endore summarized the findings by stating that the moon was the "daddy-long-legs of space." When asked to clarify, Dr. Endore said,"the daddy-long-legs has enough poison to kill you, but has fangs too small to deliver the poison, so too does the moon have enough energy to kill you, but sadly cannot."
Critics were quick to point out flaws in the study; namely, that moon the produces no light of its own. In an interview with NPR, Dr. Guy Cheney of CASA responded, "of course we know the moon makes no light, but it's like skiing bro. You get a worse sunburn from the snow than the sun, the moon is like the snow. Why do you think the Apollo astronauts wore those big suits?" Critics have yet to respond.

CELEBRATING ONE YEAR ON HIATUS.















Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain