DANIEL DAY LEWIS OFFERED NO-BID OIL CONTRACT IN ALASKA

29 April, 2008 (Washington, D.C.): As fuel prices reached a record high today, President Bush announced plans to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) to drilling as part of a multi-billion dollar contract with Academy Award winning actor Daniel Day Lewis.

"One of the main reasons for high gas prices is that global oil production is not keeping up with growing demand," Bush said during a Rose Garden news conference. "The industry needs bold leadership and quick action," the president continued, "and I believe that the kind of intensity that Mr. Lewis offers is just what they need to meet demand."

In recent years, Democrats in Congress have blocked efforts to open the refuge despite Energy Department estimates that the area could yield a million barrels of oil a day. President Bush called on lawmakers to expand domestic oil production in an "environmentally friendly and entertaining way."

When reached for comment, Lewis claimed to be surprised by the plan.

"I'm not as experienced in oil as Mr. Bush may think I am," the British-born actor said, "I'm not exactly sure what he expects me to do."

Lewis also expressed concern with the legitimacy of the agreement, citing problems with the contract's overall vagueness as well as various wardrobe and mustache requirements listed throughout.

The president was not deterred by Lewis's seeming ambivalence towards the project. When asked about the actor's limited experience in actual oil drilling Bush responded positively, saying that running an oil business is not as hard as it may seem and can be done with "literally no real experience."

"Playing an oil man is pretty much like being an oil man, if I recall," Bush explained, "plus, that guy was nuts in Gangs of New York, he's going to solve this gas problem."

Democrats on the Hill responded with their own press conference at which New York Senator Charles Schumer attacked the president for his inactivity and criticized his latest offering as "poorly timed, stale and unimaginative."

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Taiwan

U.S. Mistakenly Ships Nuke Missile Parts to Taiwan

The Pentagon has admitted that it accidentally shipped parts from an intercontinental ballistic nuclear missile to Taiwan in 2006. Four fuses used in the triggering mechanism of a Minuteman strategic nuclear missile were shipped to Taiwanese officials instead of the helicopter batteries they had ordered. The mistake was not caught until last week. The Department of Defense has since recovered the parts.
Sino-American relations have been tense over the years largely due to U.S. political and military support of Taiwan. At an impromptu press conference Tuesday, Ryan Henry, the No. 2 policy official in Defense Secretary Robert Gates' office, said they were doing everything they could to ensure that this mistake would not damage relations further.
Top Pentagon officials and President Bush met with Chinese ambassador Zhou Wenzhong over the weekend to discuss the issue. It was reported that during the meeting President Bush phoned Chinese President Hu Jintao and with ambassador Zhou Wenzhong translating, personally alerted him to the situation. OrGiveMeDeath.com has obtained a transcript through an anonymous source at the White House and present it below:
Bush: Hello, China?
Zhou: You are speaking with President Hu Jintao.
Bush: uh, right...listen China, it's George Bush calling you, President of the United States. You might hear some crazy things about us shipping parts of an atomic rocket to Taiwan and I just wanted to assure you that every thing's totally cool.
Jintao: [indecipherable angry Chinese]
Bush: What's he saying?
Zhou: Is this some kind of joke?!?
Bush: No, seriously, I don't get Chinese, is he mad?
Zhou: No, that's what he said, he asked if you were joking.
Bush: Shit, this is confusing...ok, listen Jinty, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb? Well, we kinda shipped fuses for a nuclear warhead to Taiwan, but don't freak out, it was just parts of the thing that carries the bomb, no nuke stuff went out.
Jintao: [through Zhou] This is an outrage, are you giving missile technology to Taiwan?
Bush: No man, it's nothing like that, look, we just sent fuses, you know, like the little plastic thingies in your car, it's not like we sent engines or something. [To Zhou] Y'all got cars over there right? Not just bikes?
Jintao: [more angry Chinese]
Zhou: The president is confused and angry, he asks if the Taiwanese had them long enough to learn anything.
Bush: Hell, I don't know, I don't think so, they thought they were getting helicopter batteries or something. It took 'em like a year to figure out they weren't batteries, I seriously doubt they figured out what they were for.
[15 seconds of silence]
Bush: Let's not play the blame game now, it's not important who violated what international arms treaty or who's violating which human rights, the important thing is that we move on.
Zhou: The president is deeply concerned about the security of the American nuclear arsenal. He says he recalls seeing on CNN that your Air Force recently flew a nuke over your own country without knowing it. This troubles him.
Bush: Oh c'mon! I'll worry about that, you've got bigger problems to deal with now, that whole lama thing in Tibet, plus I hear the French are boycotting your olympics!
Zhou: The president says that having the French boycott your olympics is like having the chess club boycott your party.
[silence]
Bush: Well I'm sure you have important Presidential things to attend to, it must be tough being a totalitarian leader in a one-party system; I don't envy you. Ah, who am I kidding, of course I do. I'll have my boys in the Pentagon shoot you an email with more details on this rocket ruckus and what we're doing about it. Again, I'm sorry.
Jintao: [more Chinese]
Bush: Okay, you too, catch Hu later...heh, heh, get it? Well, see you around the U.N. Condi, get Mr. Zhou a cab.

PRESIDENT BUSH TO EMBARK ON ANTARCTIC EXPEDITION
Penguins to send envoy to Washington

22 March, 2006 (Washington, D.C.): Faced with slumping poll numbers, sectarian violence in Iraq, and faltering support within his own party, President Bush has announced plans for an expedition to Antarctica after he leaves office in 2009. Inspired by the one-hundredth anniversary of Republican President Theodore Roosevelt's post-presidency African safari in 1909, Bush will seek to make legacy for himself as he searches Antarctica for evidence of a global climate shift. "We're gonna get to the bottom of this global climate shift business," said the embattled president in a recent press conference.
It is unclear what the president hopes to find in Antarctica but sources close to the White House believe he will be searching for evidence of rising sea levels, holes in the ozone layer, and the possible whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. When asked if he believed that the Al Qaeda leader was hiding in Antarctica the president said, "Well, he's probably in the last place you'd think to look."
A recent CIA report as well as recovered letters from Saddam Hussein suggest that before the Iraq invasion the Russian military in conjunction with a Malaysian Al Qaeda cell helped Hussein move his weapons of mass destruction to the Russian research station of Moldezhnaya in the Australian claim of Antarctica. Sources in the Pentagon believe that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding in a "Fortress of Solitude" and operating terrorist training camps deep in the Antarctic desert. One official stated, "He's gotta be somewhere."