PRESIDENT BUSH TO EMBARK ON ANTARCTIC EXPEDITION
Penguins to send envoy to Washington

22 March, 2006 (Washington, D.C.): Faced with slumping poll numbers, sectarian violence in Iraq, and faltering support within his own party, President Bush has announced plans for an expedition to Antarctica after he leaves office in 2009. Inspired by the one-hundredth anniversary of Republican President Theodore Roosevelt's post-presidency African safari in 1909, Bush will seek to make legacy for himself as he searches Antarctica for evidence of a global climate shift. "We're gonna get to the bottom of this global climate shift business," said the embattled president in a recent press conference.
It is unclear what the president hopes to find in Antarctica but sources close to the White House believe he will be searching for evidence of rising sea levels, holes in the ozone layer, and the possible whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. When asked if he believed that the Al Qaeda leader was hiding in Antarctica the president said, "Well, he's probably in the last place you'd think to look."
A recent CIA report as well as recovered letters from Saddam Hussein suggest that before the Iraq invasion the Russian military in conjunction with a Malaysian Al Qaeda cell helped Hussein move his weapons of mass destruction to the Russian research station of Moldezhnaya in the Australian claim of Antarctica. Sources in the Pentagon believe that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding in a "Fortress of Solitude" and operating terrorist training camps deep in the Antarctic desert. One official stated, "He's gotta be somewhere."

The WBC: The True World Series
[Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Globalization]

As I - an Anglo-Irish-Japanese-American living in the Chihuahua Desert - drank my Mexican beer and watched the U.S. squeak past Team Japan in a Round 2 thriller in the World Baseball Classic, I couldn't help but be thankful for globalization. While the forces of free market capitalism will inevitably force economically inferior nations to compete with economic juggernauts like the United States & China, homogenize world culture, and destroy landmarks to make way for Wal-Marts; we can now enjoy the excitement of international baseball competition.
Unfortunately, the tournament has had its detractors and interest going into the event appeared low. Several stars decided to back out of the tournament to concentrate on the regular season and some owners like George Steinbrenner have criticized the event in the press. The lack of support for the event is likely to blame for low morale and the shameful defeat of the Americans at the hands of our socialist neighbors to the north. America may not be taking the event seriously but the other nations involved are. Team Japan has even called the tournament soft for employing a pitch count and a mercy rule. Japan, by the way, had their first two games against Chinese Taipei [China] and China [Red China] end early by mercy rule after they ran up the score in each. Team China was subsequently sent to the Gulag after their poor performance.
The surprise team is definitely Team Korea. Korea stunned the Pacific Rim with their upset victory over heavily favored Japan. Undefeated in Pool A, Korea moved on to the second round where they shocked Team Mexico in 2 - 1 victory. Most players in this tournament are playing for national pride. American Major League players play for fame and fortune but what do the Koreans play for? In a recent interview, the president of the Korean Baseball Organization, Shin Sang-woo, said that he had asked the Ministry of Defense and the Ministry of Culture and Tourism to release the players from their obligation to serve in the military if Korea makes it into the top four teams in the World Baseball Classic (1). In Korea, all males in good health must serve two years in the military. Exceptions are made, however, for athletes on the state team that win in international events such as the Olympics. Although it is still uncertain if they will be excused from service, they are still playing hard. It's truly do or die for Team Korea.
Despite our upset loss to Canada, Team USA can still win the whole thing. Should the United States break into the finals of the tournament they will play one of the many talented teams from Latin America. One potential contender is the Communist island nation of Cuba. Initially banned from the tournament, Cuba advanced to the second round and could threaten to win it all. A championship game between the United States and Cuba would be historic. The last battle of the Cold War will be fought on the diamond. If this is the outcome, I believe George Bush should offer Castro - whose son is a trainer for Team Cuba - a friendly wager: If Cuba wins the U.S. will pull out of Guantanamo Bay; if the United States wins Cuba will depose Castro and abandon Communism. That's seems like a reasonable bet.
America needs a victory in the World Baseball Classic. I fear that there has been a dangerous decline in America's sports hegemony since the U.S. came in a disgraceful third in Olympic basketball. We invented basketball and now the Argentinians have the title, are we going to allow foreigners - possibly Communist foreigners - to take baseball from us too? It's all downhill for America if we lose respect in the global sports community. Support the World Baseball Classic, democracy depends on it.

Things I've Predicted

-VP shooting spree:

What I said:So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen. - 11/30/05

What Happened: Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

-Favre INTs:

What I said: Currently, Favre is 51 picks short of the record, based on his average he should reach the record in 3 seasons, will he stay in? Time will tell. - 8/17/05. [Let's not forget about the counter I've had since day one.]

What Happened: Brett Favre finished the season with a career high 29 interceptions as he surpassed greats like Dan Marino to become the number 6 all-time interception thrower.

-The NCAA Football National Championship:

What I Said: Texas will pull off the upset and get the national title for the first time since 1970. - 12/12/06

What Happened: Texas wins the Rose Bowl and the National Title - 1/4/06

-The World Series:

What I Said:But the Astros are moving on up and will hopefully play another "cursed" team, the Chicago White Sox. That's my prediction for this year: Sox and 'Stros. - 10/6/05

What Happened: The Astros defeated the Cardinals to advance to their first World Series. The White Sox advanced to their first World Series since 1919. I forget what happened after that.

-Gorillas:

What I Did: OrGiveMeDeath breaks the story: SHOCKING DISCOVERY IN THE HEART OF AFRICA - 9/27/05

What Happened: National Geographic breaks this story: Wild Gorillas Use Tools, Photos Reveal - 9/30/05

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

Like a blazing comet that passes our way only once every four years, the heart-stopping excitement of international curling competition is back to spread it's unequivocal brilliance to a eager world. Curling? The hell you say! It's true, and as I don't need to tell you, these United States are in it to win it. We got a team of hardcore stoners - you know, the guys who slide the stone down the ice. These stoners have gold medal written all over them. Standing in the way of our American curling dream team are the terrors of the curling world, the mighty Finns. Finland's top stoner is a man as large as his name, 6' 1," Markku Uusipaavalniemi [pictured above]. Weighing in at an impressive 209 pounds, Uusipaavalniemi is nicknamed "U-15" for the number of letters in his surname as well as for the number of illegitimate children he is said to have fathered while on the notoriously wild Finnish curling tour. According to his bio, when this Bill Gates look-a-like isn't dominating the ice he's a self employed computer programmer. America is just a win over Canada and a win over Finland away from taking the gold in the Olympic event known to some as "chess on ice."
Moving on to the only other real reason to watch the winter Olympics, America's hockey performance this year borders on treason. How do you tie Latvia and then lose to Slovakia and Russia?!? The Soviet Union has had it's revenge. But we did get one of theirs in a 4 to 1 beat-down of hockey juggernaut, Kazakhstan. It wasn't the Red Army hockey squad of days past, but we beat the hell out of Trashcan-astan.
But the biggest sports story this month has come from the world of hunting where Dick Cheney blew America's safety record of 201 years without a vice presidential shooting incident. I'd just like to say thank you to Dick Cheney for reading the blog. As the Vice President and maybe three other readers know, I posted a blog in November on the subject of Vice Presidential shootings. In that blog I wrote, "So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen." Well, not to be outdone, Cheney has stepped up to my challenge and put himself in the Pantheon of interesting VPs. This incident proves once again how the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath will continue to influence world events; much like how Brett Favre stepped up to the challenge of my INT counter by throwing a career high, league leading amount of interceptions. Kudos to both of you, you're true American legends.
Finally, I would like to address a television ad I recently saw. In their new ads Guinness is encouraging responsible drinking during the "St. Patrick Day Season." St. Patrick Day Season? You mean I don't have to limit my enthusiasms for drinking and wearing green to one day? We have a season now? Hopefully we can take a cue from X-mas and stretch this bitch out for over a month; after all, it is the most wonderful time of the year.

Good luck and Go USA,
Hiro

COCKFIGHT RAMPAGE KILLS TWELVE
¡Guárdese de los gallos peligrosos!

1 February, 2006 (Donaldsonville, Louisiana): Spectators were shocked when a scene of horrific violence erupted at the Ascension Parish Cockfight Arena late Monday night. Midway thru the main event - a much anticipated match between one undefeated gamecock named Coq Fantastique and a newcomer named Richie - the roosters appeared to lose interest in each other and turned their aggression and their claws on their handlers and the crowd.
One agitated fighting fowl, Richie, fatally clawed his owner's jugular and then proceeded to jump into the crowd. Excited by the hysteria that ensued, other gamecocks broke away from their handlers and attacked the fleeing spectators. In cockfighting - which is legal in Louisiana and New Mexico - spurs are attached to the claws of cocks to ensure a quick, humane fight. The spurs appeared to have been effective Monday night as many fatal wounds were inflicted by the cocks.
The event took an even deadlier turn when a fear-stricken, overzealous security guard began shooting at the birds with his .38 special revolver. The shots were painfully inaccurate and resulted in the deaths of two spectators.
This marks the second deadliest cockfighting related incident in Louisiana since 1814 when a riot broke out after then-General Andrew Jackson's prized cock, Rodolfo, lost in a match to Royal British Army General Sir Edward Pakenham's cock, Claudius. The riot claimed 2,107 lives and was later known as the Battle of New Orleans.

MONSTER ISLAND BANNED FROM WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC
Worshipping Natives Outraged

21 January, 2006 (Tokyo, Japan): Despite initial opposition, the U.S. Treasury Department issued a license Friday allowing the communist, island nation of Cuba to participate in the World Baseball Classic. However, another island nation with a bad reputation will be watching the spring tournament from home. After joint opposition from Japan and the United States, Monster Island - mythical, radiated home to such monsters as Mothra and Godzilla - will not be invited to compete.
In a taped response, Monster Island spokesmonster, King Ghidra, was quoted as saying, "The US is afraid to take on our team. George Bush and [Japanese Prime Minister] Junichiro Koizumi are the real atomic monsters here."
The ban comes just weeks after Mothra, the Monster Island right fielder, was released from a AAA team in Oregon for testing positive for MGH, Monster Growth Hormone.
Godzilla could not be reached for comment.

JONES TO MOVE COWBOYS TO PECOS

20 January, 2006 (Arlington, Texas): After hitting a roadblock in negotiations with the city of Arlington over a new stadium, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has struck a deal to move America's Team to the tiny Texas town of Pecos in the heart of the West Texas badlands. Jones cited remarkably cheap property and ample sunshine as the major incentives for the move.
Sources close to Jones have denied rumors that the eccentric owner has recently lost the use of his leg and has succumbed to madness after contracting gangrene while on a hunting trip last fall.
While those in the Cowboy's front office remain confident that their fearless leader has not lost his mind, a Cowboys spokesperson assured the Dallas press that the move had yet to be finalized and that Jones, despite all outward appearances, is in perfect mental health.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

It’s been a while since the last sports piece, but I’ve been very busy. As my close friends and family already know, every December I travel to Nepal to take part in the annual World Elephant Polo tournament. Since 2001, I had made a name for myself as rising star in the cut-throat world of elephant polo. The U.S. doesn’t field a team, so I’ve been sort of a ringer for Scotland’s team. However, due to an unfortunate incident during the 2004 tournament I was unable to compete this year. My Nepali was a little rusty and I unintentionally insulted my mahout, or elephant driver, during the final chukka. Soon after my faux-pa, I was thrown from to the ground where I narrowly escaped a trampling at the hands of an angry elephant guided by one pissed off Hindu. This year, the 13th Duke of Argyll, captain of the Scotch team, didn’t invite me back so I was forced to cover the event rather than participate. Sure enough, the Scots won the tourney.
As you’re reading this, I’m already preparing for my comeback in next month’s King’s Cup in Thailand. Life is good in the elephant polo community. Midnight drinks in Sri Lanka, trashed hotels in Bangkok, and endless weekends spent carousing with the jet-set aristocracies of the Far East and Europe all paint the rich tapestry that is life as an elephant polo star. The fast paced world of the true Sport of Kings may beckon me to the Orient, but the simple life back in Texas will always call me home.
Getting to real sports, the Rose Bowl should prove to be historic. Hopefully Texas will pull off the upset and get the national title for the first time since 1970. Unlike last years ugly rout of OU by USC, this year the team playing USC might show up. USC needs to watch out for Vince Young and the high-powered Texas offense, and whoever marries Reggie Bush needs to watch out too, landside victories in the Heisman race and record stats as a USC running back can be a bad combination, I’m looking at you O. J.
Finally, it may be late but I have to say something about Michael Irvin. Irvin, who was indefensibly overlooked in last year’s hall of fame selections, was caught with a pipe in his car. The Playmaker claimed that it was a friend's and I believe him, but that’s not the point.  The real issue here is that this shouldn’t be a big deal.  Michael Irvin continues to get a bad wrap by the media after all these years.  If the golden boy Tom Brady was caught with a pipe I guaran-damn-tee you that media would be questioning marijuana laws and saying things like, “maybe it’s time we rethink these laws.”  But when Irvin gets in trouble people start asking, “Has Michael Irvin fallen off the wagon?” It’s hypocrisy and it’s racist; just like marijuana laws. I could go on and on...

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

We Can Be Heroes
an editorial

History shows again and again
How nature points up the folly of men
- BOC

Godzilla [not to be confused with the non-fire-breathing, retarded lizard from an American movie of the same name] began in post-war Japan as a scathing commentary on the folly of nuclear weapons and the menacing giant of the United States. The character went on to become a hero who saved Tokyo from goofy looking villains from Monster Island or outer-space often at the cost of many lives and millions of yen in property damage.
This reluctant hero embodied everything a person could hope to be. Large and in charge, Godzilla exerted his will on any situation. There was no Japanese defense unit too big, no radioactive monster too crazy to keep the King of Monsters down. Godzilla would always prevail, and the scientist and the little kid always knew it.
Godzilla may have best displayed his heroics as a strong role model for kids. What Godzilla movie would be complete without the kid that some how understands the gentle monster? The radioactive legend continued his work as a role model on the 1970s Hanna-Barbera cartoon show, the aptly titled "Godzilla." In both the American cartoon and the Japanese movies, Godzilla becomes a dad and shows that even monsters can be good father figures.
In terms of film, the original Godzilla series represents groundbreaking cinema. Hollywood, in typical fashion, attempted to co-opt the Godzilla franchise in the 1990s, resulting in the biggest bomb since the two that inspired the original film. But Japan struck back with Godzilla 2000 and proved that millions of dollars worth of special effects can't beat a rubber suit and a detailed, scale model of Tokyo.
So now, as America prepares for the new incarnation of King Kong, let's take time to remember when film needed a little imagination on the part of the viewer to work. Try to remember the days when models were made out of plastic, not polygons. But most of all, when it seems like life's got you caught up in power lines as it shoots you with tiny rockets, take a lesson from Godzilla and remember: you can gain strength from those power lines and use it to enhance your radioactive powers.

Good luck and Go Go Godzilla,
Hiro

We Can Be Heroes
an editorial

Number two in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

You know Washington, Jefferson, Franklin and Adams; but do you recall the most infamous founding father of them all? Aaron Burr is the most compelling figure in ealry American history, in my humble opinion. As we all learned from a milk commercial in the 1990s, Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel. But Burr was much more than a murderer, he was also the most interesting Vice President in American history.
Long before his infamous duel, Burr was a war hero in the Revolution. Before the Battle of Quebec, Burr disguised himself as a Catholic Priest to sneak across British lines and into Montreal. Later in the war, Burr was said to have saved an entire brigade from capture. Ironically, Hamilton was an officer in that very brigade.
Burr made a name for him in politics and became Vice President after losing to Jefferson in an election that was decided by the House of Representatives after a tie in the Electoral College. After becoming VP, Aaron Burr seemingly slipped into madness; possibly as a result of a stroke he suffered during the war from which he never fully recovered.
It was during his term as VP that the famous duel with Hamilton took place. Hamilton had been talking jive all over town about Burr. Some alleged that Hamilton accused Burr of sleeping with his own daughter. Deeply insulted, Burr demanded that Hamilton take back all insults against his character. When Hamilton refused, Burr decided to man up and challenge Hamilton to a duel under the formal
On the day of the duel, Hamilton decided that he wouldn't fire. Burr obviously didn't. As planned, Hamilton never fired but Burr shot him anyway, fatally damaging his liver. When Burr learned that Hamilton never planned to fire he was quoted as saying, "Contemptable, if true."
After the incident, Burr was charged with murder in New York and New Jersey but was never tried. He fled to South Carolina but returned to Washington D.C. to finish his term as Vice President. Nobody seemed to mind that the Vice President had murdered the former Secretary of Treasury and business went on as usual. Oddly enough, Burr was not asked to serve a second term.
This may seem dry and boring, but consider how insane this would be if it happened today. Imagine if Dick Cheney shot and killed former Secretary of Treasury Robert Rubin and then went right back to work without being tried; what would the media say? But Aaron Burr wouldn't stop with murder, he moved on to treason.
Out of power, broke, and exiled from his home state of New Jersey; Burr went west and got involved in some risky business. Exactly what treasonous scheme he was planning is still uncertain but some claim he was conspiring with a U.S. General on the take with the Spanish to build a new nation in the south and in Texas. Burr purchased large tracts of land in the southern territories of the U.S. and worked with land owners and foreigners to allegedly build a Latin American Empire to rival the United States.
President Jefferson issued a proclamation for Burr's arrest on the charge of treason. Taking the high road, Burr turned himself in to authorities. After an apparent change of heart, Burr jumped bail and fled for Spanish Florida but was captured in Alabama. But the man couldn't keep Burr down; he was acquitted twice on technicalities.
Imagine, once again, our Vice President trying to pull this off. Could he leave office, finance a coup, and then be acquitted? Well, that one may not be so far fetched.
Burr continued his scheming well into old age. At the age of 77, he married a rich widow but after four months, when found out that she wouldn't be inheriting as much as he had anticipated, he left her. On the month of their first anniversary, Burr's wife sued him for divorce. The divorce was granted on the day of Burr's death and in a cruel, ironic twist of fate, Burr was served his divorce papers on his death bed by none other than the son of Alexander Hamilton. A bitter end to a life dedicated to infamy.
Aaron Burr, to me, is an American original. He takes me back to a simpler time when politicians were respected men in the community and could do wrong; a time before corruption and partisan politics destroyed our trust in government. So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen.

We Can Be Heroes
An editorial

This is the first in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

Looking back on early childhood, my first heroes were the Ghostbusters. They wore cool suits, swore, smoked, and shot fire rays at funny ghosts that ate Cheetos. Of all the Ghostbusters, my hero has to be Egon Spengler. Widely regarded as the brainy Ghostbuster, few realize that Egon was in fact the ballsiest, craziest member of the team. Why you ask? For the answer to that question let's begin by looking at E=mc^2.
According to E=mc^2, energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. Now, if you take one's mass and multiply it by the speed of light squared [8.98755179 x 1016 m^2 / s^2], which is a lot, you come up with the amount of energy one would give off if their atoms were converted into energy. An average sized human would wipe out North America if they were able to convert their mass into energy.
Now back to Egon. Early in the film, Egon warns Venkman and Stanz not to cross the streams. "Imagine," he said, "all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." Essentially, crossing the streams would convert one's mass into energy, thus wiping out the country.
Later, when confronted by Zuul, Egon suggests crossing the streams in order to send Zuul back to her dimension. Egon says of the plan, "There's definitely a very slim chance we'll survive." Being a scientist, he must have known the consequences of having one's molecules explode at the speed of light. Egon put the lives of everyone on the planet in jeopardy to defeat Zuul, which makes him by far the most insane Ghostbuster. He knew that it was us or her; he'd take her out or blow everything up trying.
Egon Spengler represents the type of bold men of action that served as role model that young Americans desperately needed in the 1980s. I hope that this has somehow changed the way you think about Egon Spengler, if you think about him at all.

Next Time: Aaron Burr

DRUNKEN SECURITY GUARD FOILS HEIST

21 November, 2005 (Boise, Idaho): Two would-be thieves are in police custody today after their attempted robbery of the Boise Museum of Art was foiled by an allegedly drunken security guard armed with a make-shift Molotov cocktail. Brian Fitzpatrick, the night security guard, was allegedly intoxicated at his post late Sunday night when he noticed his video surveillance screens had gone out. As Fitzpatrick left the security center to patrol the museum, he saw two men
making-off with an undisclosed amount of paintings.
Unable to catch the burglars in the museum, Fitzpatrick ran outside only to find the bandits escaping in a getaway car. Reacting quickly, despite his inebriated state, the night watchman reached for his bottle of John Jameson & Son Irish Whiskey, his handkerchief and his lighter and hurled a Molotov cocktail at the getaway car. The cocktail exploded as it slammed into the driver-side window, stunning the driver. The suspected thief then lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a parked car. After the crash, Fitzpatrick approached the vehicle, pistol drawn, and apprehended both suspects.
Police arrived later to take the suspected burglars into custody and file a report on the incident. A spokesperson for the museum said they were happy the art was returned undamaged and that the robbery was stopped but stopped short of congratulating Mr. Fitzpatrick.
The museum denounced the actions of Fitzpatrick and has placed him on paid suspension until an investigation into the incident is complete. This is not the first time the guard has been reprimanded by the museum; Fitzpatrick was cited in 2003 for sleeping on the job while allegedly drunk.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

As the fourth quarter came to a close in Monday night's Dallas-Philadelphia matchup I thought to myself it was time to get out of the football picks business. Four out of five of my picks went the wrong way over the weekend and I was facing my first 0-5 week ever. But that all changed thanks to the demigod-like talent of Dallas safety Roy Williams. His interception helped the Cowboys and me pull out a last second victory. Dallas once again proved that they are America's team and, like America, will always prevail in the face of evil, especially the evil that is the Philadelphia Eagles. However, like America, the Cowboys probably peaked in the 1990s.
The game to watch this week is definitely Dallas vs. Detroit. Roy Williams vs. Roy Williams. Last year Detroit's Roy got the injury bug and America was deprived of the match up, but this year it should be worth the watch. Roy Williams (Dallas) is coming off a game winning INT, while Odessa, Texas' own Roy Williams caught three touchdown passes, a career high. I'm conflicted on this game, but I'm going with Dallas. I do expect Roy to have a good day, maybe a TD or two, but he can't do everything for Detroit and Dallas is the better overall team. And let's not forget, they're going to be in the Super Bowl.
In other NFL action, the Bucs are going to Atlanta this week and although Tampa has historically had Vick's number, I'm going with the Falcons. Clearly, the only reason the Falcons lost Green Bay was because they were looking past the Packers to the Tampa game; now that game is here. The Jets will shock the world with an upset over Denver. Although the trendy pick Cinncy over Indy, I don't see it. The Colts will lose this year, but it'll be against a team no one sees coming like Jaguars or the Titans. Finally, Houston looks like they're ready for a win and Kansas City looks like they're ready for a loss; Texans over Chiefs.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

ELVIS IMPERSONATOR KILLED BY METEORITE

14 November, 2005 (Laughlin, Nevada) The smoldering remains of what once was a living tribute to Elvis Presley were found just yards away from the entrance to the casino where the faux King of Rock 'n' Roll once worked. Henry Muskie, 37, was the only victim of this beyond freak accident. While very little damage was inflicted on the parking lot, Muskie's remains were virtually liquefied. Investigators on the scene were only able to recover Muskie's arms and a few teeth.
As Muskie left work early Monday morning, a fireball about the size of a watermelon crashed to Earth killing the entertainer. Security cameras confirmed this to be the first fatality in the United States caused by a celestial object falling to Earth. Only one person witnessed the historic, yet deadly event. Security guard Leroy Jenkins said he saw a streak of fire shoot down from the sky at an incredible speed and land right on Muskie as he left the casino. "All of the sudden I heard this loud roaring sound and looked out to see a fireball kill Elvis," said Jenkins.
Scientists estimate the odds of being struck by a meteorite at 10 trillion to one. This was not the first time Muskie defied the odds. Over the weekend, Muskie won $12,000 in a poker tournament after being dealt a royal flush. The odds on a royal flush are 649,750 to 1.

LENIN'S CORPSE STOLEN!

10 November, 2005 (Moscow, Russia): Moscow residents are stunned today after a daring, daylight attack on the Lenin Mausoleum left four policemen dead and the corpse of the former Soviet leader missing. Hard-line Communists have been up in arms about the recently proposed removal of their beloved deceased dictator and now the debate takes a new turn as the whereabouts of the mummified body is unknown.
A communist separatist group calling themselves the Red Army Liberation Front (RALF) claimed responsibility for the raid in a taped statement delivered to the media. The RALF said it plans to resurrect the fallen leader so that Lenin may usher in a new era of Soviet rule. The tape made no mention of how the group will wake Lenin from his 81 year sleep but assured viewers that a communist revolution is at hand.

PRIEST PERFORMS EXORCISM ON CAT

9 November, 2005 (Comstock, TX): Police and ASPCA officials are investigating allegations of animal abuse after a retired priest performed an exorcism on his cat, Gerald. Former Catholic priest, Anthony DiLuglio, 78, claims his cat had become possessed by the devil in recent weeks and needed the controversial procedure.
Police arrived at DiLuglio's residence early Monday morning after receiving reports of strange noises coming from the house. Neighbors called police after becoming concerned for the health of Mr. DiLuglio's cat. One neighbor, who chose to remain anonymous, said the cat appeared to be malnourished.
Father DiLuglio claimed that the cat had contracted a demon. DiLuglio told police that the cat had refused to eat for close to a month and exhibited bizarre behavior. "That cat damn near killed my dog," DiLuglio said, "He might have killed me if I hadn't done something." The retired priest went on to claim that the cat killed all 6 of his fish, blinded his dog in a vicious attack, raised a mouse from the dead, and walked on the ceiling on multiple occasions. "I seen that cat playing with a dead mouse I'd killed with a trap and then all of the sudden that mouse was running around with that Lucifer cat."
Fearing for his life, Father DiLuglio turned to a controversial practice, the exorcism. "In all my years I'd never seen a possession, but I knew this was the Devil." DiLuglio allegedly tied the cat down and performed the ritual on the feline for close to six hours. When police arrived on the scene they found an exhausted DiLuglio and a passed out cat. The cat was malnourished but showed no signs of abuse. DiLuglio was arrested on charges of criminal neglect. The cat has been taken to a local ASPCA shelter where it will be treated and eventually adopted or euthanized.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial


The Cowboys were off last week and so was I, but I'm back with my outrageous picks. The Boys will face the beleaguered Eagles on a Monday night match that should be worth watching. As always I'll be taking the Cowboys in this one. The Eagles are struggling, coming up just short of a Super Bowl trophy so many years in a row has taken its toll on McNabb and company. T.O. may never play in Philly again; and based on his attitude, he may not play anywhere ever again. The Eagles are finished and it's a good day to be a Cowboys fan.
Brooks Bollinger is the new star in New York. Quarterback and AARP spokesman, Vinny Testeverde went out last week, totally blowing my predictions about his future and leaving Bollinger in charge of the sinking ship that is the New York Jets. Bollinger seems like a good fit for NY. Not only did Bollinger have a few impressive drives last week but he also passed Chad Pennington as the quarterback with the whitest name in the NFL. Don't snooze on Bolly, though, he had some impressive rushing stats at Wisconsin and is probably the best scrambling qb on the Jet's depth chart. Expect the Jets to beat Carolina in an upset that will make Bollinger the hot topic of the week. In other games, I'm once again picking Houston to upset Indy, it's just too perfect. Manning and the Colts are still celebrating the win in Foxboro and will snooze on the Texans. I see the Brownies upsetting Pittsburgh on national TV, Sunday night. Finally, Atlanta will take down the beat-up Packers as Favre continues to tear up the record books on his quest to be the most picked-off QB ever.
Moving away from football, the greatest quadrennial sporting event is only 90 days away; of course I'm referring to Olympic Hockey. I'm hoping our boys show those Canadians a thing or two about how to play hockey, they have no place in the sport. Who needs the NHL? International hockey is much more compelling.
Well, that's all I got on sports this week.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

More Monkey Mayhem
a follow up

As first reported by this source several weeks ago, gorillas have grown increasingly intelligent and pose the greatest threat to global human supremacy. Shortly after this blog broke the hard-hitting, and absolutely real story about gorillas using guns, the liberal media began reporting a more p.c. story about gorillas and simple tool use. [Wild Gorillas Use Tools, Photos Reveal] Regardless of whether these apes are using sticks or assault rifles, gorilla intelligence is a menace to decent human society.
Still not convinced? More recently, gorillas have been reported as gaining access to the most dangerous weapon against civilization: reality TV. Reuters has reported that gorillas will soon star in their own reality show on Czech public television. [New reality show with gorillas]
The east-coast, liberal intelligentsia would have you believe that animals are our cuddly friends complete with personalities, feelings, and souls. However, in the wake of endless shark, bee, bear and bobcat attacks and the growing intelligence of gorillas it has become easy to see what our ancestors have known for many millennia, animals are to be feared, eaten, and worn. As gorillas begin to question their role as the number two primate on the planet they could grow subversive to our American way of life. Should they ever decide to rise up against their more successful primate cousin we will be no match for their massive ape strength. Well, in all honesty, only a couple zookeepers would be mauled before the gorillas are shot to death by zoo security; but are we willing to risk one human life?
You can help win the war for human existence by contacting your local butcher shop or deli. Don't be fooled by the ultra-hip, vegetarian elite that plague our college campuses, they are only weakening our species with their meat substitutes. When the animal revolution comes mankind may be too anemic and weak to fend off the waves of bees and gorillas.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

The fix is in!  Looks like not much has changed since 1919; a global flu epidemic is threatening mankind and the White Sox are fixing World Series games.  This year’s Series [and possibly last year’s] is clearly the result of a conspiracy to divert attention from the steroid scandal and struggling ratings.  Major League Baseball in conjunction with the Chicago mob clearly paid off the umps and possibly Astro reliever Ezequiel Astacio.  Look no further than the bad call in game 2 when Wheeler’s pitch allegedly hit White Sox hitter Jermaine Dye while the video shows the ball clearly hit the bat, not Dye.  That shitty call set up Paul Konerko's grand slam!  What are the odds that two cursed Sox teams sweep consecutive World Series?  A Vietnamese fisherman without a nose can tell that something stinks here.  
Major League Baseball has been on a steady decline in recent years and now they’re desperate for ratings.  The steroids scandal and the league’s ineffectiveness on the issue have dominated baseball headlines for a couple years now and the league needs good stories.  So what do they do?  They conspire with the Illuminati to fix the World Series for the Red Sox and then they team up with the Chicago mob to fix it for the White Sox.  Unfortunately for us loyal Astros fans in the Great State of Texas, the elitist, East Coast, liberal media outfits are quick to jump on the Sox bandwagons and make them their media darlings.  Is it any coincidence that Bush 41 happens to be an Astro’s fan and Texas and Missouri happen to be red states?  Clearly, a cabal between the liberal media, MLB, the Illuminati [possibly reptile people] and the Chicago mob are fixing these games.  Not to worry, this story will be broken wide open by the bastion of investigative journalism, the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath.

In other news,

My football picks were so terrible that any further discussion of them would only serve to shame my family.  This week I’m hoping to turn it around.  Helping me turning it around is the fact that I don’t have to count the Jets this week; they have a bye.  The Lions and their new front man, San Francisco socialite Jeff Garcia, should upend the Bears in that tough NFC North.  The Texans will finally come up with a win against the Brownies.  America’s last surviving Spanish American War vet and Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs will test his hated Redskins against the New York Football Giants in a crucial NFC East game and win.  The once and future NFC East champion Dallas Cowboys will defeat the New Look Cardinals in a blow out.  Hopefully, the Anti-Catholic, Free Mason led conspiracy that has been fixing Saints games will give them a break this week and they’ll beat the Dolphins.  Well, that’s all for this week, hopefully my prognosticating powers will return next week.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

MASKED VIGILANTE SHOT DEAD

25 October, 2005 (Scottsdale, Arizona): An Arizona man is dead today after what appears to have been a botched rescue attempt. Local sporting goods retailer and tattoo enthusiast Jacob Krebs, 26, was found dead in a parking lot early Tuesday morning. According to eye witness and mugging victim Harriet Mann, Krebs was shot late Monday night as he attempted to rescue Mann from a mugging.
Mann described what happened in a statement from her hospital bed where she is recovering from injuries sustained during the incident. "I was heading to my car late after work when this man in a mask came out from the dark," Mann said, "he told me to give him all my money or he'd shoot me." Mann went on to say that as the man reached for his gun a second masked man leaped down from a near by rooftop. "This man come leapin' off this roof like some kinda ninja man and hit his ankle hard and took a spill." The second man was Jacob Krebs.
Krebs' body was found dressed in a ninja style outfit with some body armor. The outfit apparently had a reptile theme that matched tattoos on Krebs' arms. Krebs was armed with several darts with rat poison on the tips and a police baton.
Krebs suffered a broken ankle from the aerobatic leap off the rooftop. Mann went on to say that, "after that guy jumped off that roof and hurt himself that mugger just laughed and laughed." Amused by the would be hero's leap, the mugger proceeded to shoot Krebs once in the forehead and then put the fatal shot into his throat.
Unfortunately for Mann, as her would be rescuer lay dead on the pavement the mugger proceeded to shoot her in the leg and then beat her relentlessly and steal her purse. This appeared to be Krebs' first attempt at crime fighting. No witnesses in the Scottsdale area have recently reported a reptile like ninja saving their lives or preventing crime; nor have any criminals recently been captured or detained by a masked vigilante. Scottsdale officials are urging people not to take justice into their own hands. The mugger has yet to be captured.