ON HIATUS


When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - Hunter S. Thompson

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

When I started this blog back in September I had two goals in mind: provide people with hard-hitting fake news and promote awareness of Brett Favre's poor performance and over-rated career. With these goals in mind I would just like to thank Brett Favre for keeping Or Give Me Death alive by staying in the league another season. Honestly, what would I do if I didn't have Favre's interceptions to keep track of? There's nothing that can replace the Favre INT Watch. Fearing an early retirement, I tried to work in the DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN, but it's just not the same. But thankfully, Brett's back and the counter is here to stay. I don't want to bring that baby down until he breaks the record - which he will.
Back in August, I predicted it would take 3 seasons for the Gunslinger to shatter the interception record but he shut me up by throwing a career-high, league leading 28 interceptions last year. Now he could easily break the record this year! Good hustle, Ironman, way to go the extra mile and prove me wrong. Finally, I've got a message for new Packers coach Mike McCarthy - I know all the Pack read the blog - Mike, Aaron Rodgers is a bust and if you bench Favre you're betraying Green Bay and a coward.

That's all America,
Hiro

FRANKLIN MOUNTAIN GORILLA-MAN STRIKES AGAIN
Authorities baffled as search widens

28 April, 2006 (El Paso, TX): El Paso County Sheriff officials are searching the mountainous regions of north El Paso for what they believe might be a violent animal after the discovery of the second mountain-biker found dead in as many weeks. The unnamed biker was found dead, apparently beaten to death with his own arms, which were discovered approx. 300 yards from the body. Since January, four deaths and two injuries have already been attributed to the mystery assailant. In a statement to The El Paso Times, El Paso City-County Animal Regulation & Disease Control has denied reports of a wild primate on the loose in West and Northeast El Paso.
Sheriff officials are looking for what could be either a wild primate of some kind or a deranged, incredibly strong person in a gorilla costume. During a press conference early Thursday morning, regional Game Warden Bill Meyers said, "No man could inflict the damage we've seen, we've got an animal on our hands...I've seen this before." A spokesman from the Sheriff's Dept. was less convinced of the existence of a gorilla on the loose saying, "I think it would be best to wait until all the facts are in before making any grandiose assumptions about the existence of an El Paso 'bigfoot.'"
Or Give Me Death will continue to follow this story as it develops.

CHARLES MANSON TO BE PAROLED IN 2007, NEW ALBUM ANNOUNCED
Reunion tour with Beach Boys in the works

17 April, 2006 (Marin County, California): Convicted murderer and former hippy cult leader Charles Manson will reportedly be released following his 2007 parole hearing. Sources inside the California Board of Prison Terms say that drastic improvements in Mr. Manson's behavior have led the Board to believe that the troubled folk singer is fit for release under strict observation.
The Board is said to have been moved by a recent letter sent to them by Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. Manson, who wrote the Beach Boys song Never Learn Not To Love, recently contacted Wilson after years of silence. Initially hesitant, Wilson became convinced after two years of correspondence that Manson had been rehabilitated. After a recent visit to San Quentin Prison, Wilson made it his mission to have Manson freed.
Charles Manson claims music is his "soul" and has been the key to his rehabilitation. In a recent hearing Manson said that if released he would "get back to his roots" as a folk singer and begin work on a studio album for Capitol Records. This will be his first release since the 1970 breakthrough album LIE: The Love And Terror Cult. Wilson is expected to produce a digitally remastered re-release of LIE as well as Manson's latest effort. Rumors of a Manson/Beach Boys tour have yet to be confirmed. Due to parole restrictions, however, any tour would have to be limited to California. The Coachella music festival has expressed interest.

“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.”
-Charles Manson

ZOMBIE ELECTED MAYOR IN HAITI

9 April, 2006 (Les Cayes, Haiti): A man who gained notoriety as the "Zombie Man of Les Cayes" can now call the mayor's mansion home. Voters in a recent runoff election chose the alleged "zombie" to be the next mayor of Les Cayes. "Zombie Man" and mayor-elect Clairvius Piaf has repeatedly made the claim that he was zombified at the age of 19 and forced to work on a sugar plantation for three years.
Zombification has reportedly been practiced in Haiti for centuries. According to folklore and research conducted by anthropologists a mixture of toad skin and puffer fish poison is used to simulate death. After "dying" the victim is revived and then given a hallucinogene to create a mindless state.
Piaf was declared dead on May 1, 1985 and then reportedly resurrected within a month. Afterwards, he was forced into working on a sugar plantation without pay. After he had worked on the plantation in a supposed zombie-like state for three years his captors abandoned the plantation and its zombie day-laborers for unknown reasons. Upon achieving his freedom Piaf is said to have wondered thru southern Haiti for close to a year before snapping out of his zombie trance.
Piaf became a local legend as he traveled throughout Haiti telling of his ordeal. His autobiography, La Vie De Zombie, remains a best-seller in Haiti today. Over the past decade Piaf turned his popularity into political support and now looks to be a major player in Haitian politics.
Piaf does have a few detractors, however. Some of the mayor's political rivals have challenged Mr. Piaf's zombie claims. Then there are other rivals who are less skeptical of Piaf's zombie past who claim that Piaf is in fact still a zombie and under the control of corrupt party officials.

PRESIDENT BUSH TO EMBARK ON ANTARCTIC EXPEDITION
Penguins to send envoy to Washington

22 March, 2006 (Washington, D.C.): Faced with slumping poll numbers, sectarian violence in Iraq, and faltering support within his own party, President Bush has announced plans for an expedition to Antarctica after he leaves office in 2009. Inspired by the one-hundredth anniversary of Republican President Theodore Roosevelt's post-presidency African safari in 1909, Bush will seek to make legacy for himself as he searches Antarctica for evidence of a global climate shift. "We're gonna get to the bottom of this global climate shift business," said the embattled president in a recent press conference.
It is unclear what the president hopes to find in Antarctica but sources close to the White House believe he will be searching for evidence of rising sea levels, holes in the ozone layer, and the possible whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. When asked if he believed that the Al Qaeda leader was hiding in Antarctica the president said, "Well, he's probably in the last place you'd think to look."
A recent CIA report as well as recovered letters from Saddam Hussein suggest that before the Iraq invasion the Russian military in conjunction with a Malaysian Al Qaeda cell helped Hussein move his weapons of mass destruction to the Russian research station of Moldezhnaya in the Australian claim of Antarctica. Sources in the Pentagon believe that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding in a "Fortress of Solitude" and operating terrorist training camps deep in the Antarctic desert. One official stated, "He's gotta be somewhere."

The WBC: The True World Series
[Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Globalization]

As I - an Anglo-Irish-Japanese-American living in the Chihuahua Desert - drank my Mexican beer and watched the U.S. squeak past Team Japan in a Round 2 thriller in the World Baseball Classic, I couldn't help but be thankful for globalization. While the forces of free market capitalism will inevitably force economically inferior nations to compete with economic juggernauts like the United States & China, homogenize world culture, and destroy landmarks to make way for Wal-Marts; we can now enjoy the excitement of international baseball competition.
Unfortunately, the tournament has had its detractors and interest going into the event appeared low. Several stars decided to back out of the tournament to concentrate on the regular season and some owners like George Steinbrenner have criticized the event in the press. The lack of support for the event is likely to blame for low morale and the shameful defeat of the Americans at the hands of our socialist neighbors to the north. America may not be taking the event seriously but the other nations involved are. Team Japan has even called the tournament soft for employing a pitch count and a mercy rule. Japan, by the way, had their first two games against Chinese Taipei [China] and China [Red China] end early by mercy rule after they ran up the score in each. Team China was subsequently sent to the Gulag after their poor performance.
The surprise team is definitely Team Korea. Korea stunned the Pacific Rim with their upset victory over heavily favored Japan. Undefeated in Pool A, Korea moved on to the second round where they shocked Team Mexico in 2 - 1 victory. Most players in this tournament are playing for national pride. American Major League players play for fame and fortune but what do the Koreans play for? In a recent interview, the president of the Korean Baseball Organization, Shin Sang-woo, said that he had asked the Ministry of Defense and the Ministry of Culture and Tourism to release the players from their obligation to serve in the military if Korea makes it into the top four teams in the World Baseball Classic (1). In Korea, all males in good health must serve two years in the military. Exceptions are made, however, for athletes on the state team that win in international events such as the Olympics. Although it is still uncertain if they will be excused from service, they are still playing hard. It's truly do or die for Team Korea.
Despite our upset loss to Canada, Team USA can still win the whole thing. Should the United States break into the finals of the tournament they will play one of the many talented teams from Latin America. One potential contender is the Communist island nation of Cuba. Initially banned from the tournament, Cuba advanced to the second round and could threaten to win it all. A championship game between the United States and Cuba would be historic. The last battle of the Cold War will be fought on the diamond. If this is the outcome, I believe George Bush should offer Castro - whose son is a trainer for Team Cuba - a friendly wager: If Cuba wins the U.S. will pull out of Guantanamo Bay; if the United States wins Cuba will depose Castro and abandon Communism. That's seems like a reasonable bet.
America needs a victory in the World Baseball Classic. I fear that there has been a dangerous decline in America's sports hegemony since the U.S. came in a disgraceful third in Olympic basketball. We invented basketball and now the Argentinians have the title, are we going to allow foreigners - possibly Communist foreigners - to take baseball from us too? It's all downhill for America if we lose respect in the global sports community. Support the World Baseball Classic, democracy depends on it.

Things I've Predicted

-VP shooting spree:

What I said:So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen. - 11/30/05

What Happened: Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

-Favre INTs:

What I said: Currently, Favre is 51 picks short of the record, based on his average he should reach the record in 3 seasons, will he stay in? Time will tell. - 8/17/05. [Let's not forget about the counter I've had since day one.]

What Happened: Brett Favre finished the season with a career high 29 interceptions as he surpassed greats like Dan Marino to become the number 6 all-time interception thrower.

-The NCAA Football National Championship:

What I Said: Texas will pull off the upset and get the national title for the first time since 1970. - 12/12/06

What Happened: Texas wins the Rose Bowl and the National Title - 1/4/06

-The World Series:

What I Said:But the Astros are moving on up and will hopefully play another "cursed" team, the Chicago White Sox. That's my prediction for this year: Sox and 'Stros. - 10/6/05

What Happened: The Astros defeated the Cardinals to advance to their first World Series. The White Sox advanced to their first World Series since 1919. I forget what happened after that.

-Gorillas:

What I Did: OrGiveMeDeath breaks the story: SHOCKING DISCOVERY IN THE HEART OF AFRICA - 9/27/05

What Happened: National Geographic breaks this story: Wild Gorillas Use Tools, Photos Reveal - 9/30/05

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

Like a blazing comet that passes our way only once every four years, the heart-stopping excitement of international curling competition is back to spread it's unequivocal brilliance to a eager world. Curling? The hell you say! It's true, and as I don't need to tell you, these United States are in it to win it. We got a team of hardcore stoners - you know, the guys who slide the stone down the ice. These stoners have gold medal written all over them. Standing in the way of our American curling dream team are the terrors of the curling world, the mighty Finns. Finland's top stoner is a man as large as his name, 6' 1," Markku Uusipaavalniemi [pictured above]. Weighing in at an impressive 209 pounds, Uusipaavalniemi is nicknamed "U-15" for the number of letters in his surname as well as for the number of illegitimate children he is said to have fathered while on the notoriously wild Finnish curling tour. According to his bio, when this Bill Gates look-a-like isn't dominating the ice he's a self employed computer programmer. America is just a win over Canada and a win over Finland away from taking the gold in the Olympic event known to some as "chess on ice."
Moving on to the only other real reason to watch the winter Olympics, America's hockey performance this year borders on treason. How do you tie Latvia and then lose to Slovakia and Russia?!? The Soviet Union has had it's revenge. But we did get one of theirs in a 4 to 1 beat-down of hockey juggernaut, Kazakhstan. It wasn't the Red Army hockey squad of days past, but we beat the hell out of Trashcan-astan.
But the biggest sports story this month has come from the world of hunting where Dick Cheney blew America's safety record of 201 years without a vice presidential shooting incident. I'd just like to say thank you to Dick Cheney for reading the blog. As the Vice President and maybe three other readers know, I posted a blog in November on the subject of Vice Presidential shootings. In that blog I wrote, "So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen." Well, not to be outdone, Cheney has stepped up to my challenge and put himself in the Pantheon of interesting VPs. This incident proves once again how the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath will continue to influence world events; much like how Brett Favre stepped up to the challenge of my INT counter by throwing a career high, league leading amount of interceptions. Kudos to both of you, you're true American legends.
Finally, I would like to address a television ad I recently saw. In their new ads Guinness is encouraging responsible drinking during the "St. Patrick Day Season." St. Patrick Day Season? You mean I don't have to limit my enthusiasms for drinking and wearing green to one day? We have a season now? Hopefully we can take a cue from X-mas and stretch this bitch out for over a month; after all, it is the most wonderful time of the year.

Good luck and Go USA,
Hiro

COCKFIGHT RAMPAGE KILLS TWELVE
¡Guárdese de los gallos peligrosos!

1 February, 2006 (Donaldsonville, Louisiana): Spectators were shocked when a scene of horrific violence erupted at the Ascension Parish Cockfight Arena late Monday night. Midway thru the main event - a much anticipated match between one undefeated gamecock named Coq Fantastique and a newcomer named Richie - the roosters appeared to lose interest in each other and turned their aggression and their claws on their handlers and the crowd.
One agitated fighting fowl, Richie, fatally clawed his owner's jugular and then proceeded to jump into the crowd. Excited by the hysteria that ensued, other gamecocks broke away from their handlers and attacked the fleeing spectators. In cockfighting - which is legal in Louisiana and New Mexico - spurs are attached to the claws of cocks to ensure a quick, humane fight. The spurs appeared to have been effective Monday night as many fatal wounds were inflicted by the cocks.
The event took an even deadlier turn when a fear-stricken, overzealous security guard began shooting at the birds with his .38 special revolver. The shots were painfully inaccurate and resulted in the deaths of two spectators.
This marks the second deadliest cockfighting related incident in Louisiana since 1814 when a riot broke out after then-General Andrew Jackson's prized cock, Rodolfo, lost in a match to Royal British Army General Sir Edward Pakenham's cock, Claudius. The riot claimed 2,107 lives and was later known as the Battle of New Orleans.

MONSTER ISLAND BANNED FROM WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC
Worshipping Natives Outraged

21 January, 2006 (Tokyo, Japan): Despite initial opposition, the U.S. Treasury Department issued a license Friday allowing the communist, island nation of Cuba to participate in the World Baseball Classic. However, another island nation with a bad reputation will be watching the spring tournament from home. After joint opposition from Japan and the United States, Monster Island - mythical, radiated home to such monsters as Mothra and Godzilla - will not be invited to compete.
In a taped response, Monster Island spokesmonster, King Ghidra, was quoted as saying, "The US is afraid to take on our team. George Bush and [Japanese Prime Minister] Junichiro Koizumi are the real atomic monsters here."
The ban comes just weeks after Mothra, the Monster Island right fielder, was released from a AAA team in Oregon for testing positive for MGH, Monster Growth Hormone.
Godzilla could not be reached for comment.

JONES TO MOVE COWBOYS TO PECOS

20 January, 2006 (Arlington, Texas): After hitting a roadblock in negotiations with the city of Arlington over a new stadium, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has struck a deal to move America's Team to the tiny Texas town of Pecos in the heart of the West Texas badlands. Jones cited remarkably cheap property and ample sunshine as the major incentives for the move.
Sources close to Jones have denied rumors that the eccentric owner has recently lost the use of his leg and has succumbed to madness after contracting gangrene while on a hunting trip last fall.
While those in the Cowboy's front office remain confident that their fearless leader has not lost his mind, a Cowboys spokesperson assured the Dallas press that the move had yet to be finalized and that Jones, despite all outward appearances, is in perfect mental health.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

It’s been a while since the last sports piece, but I’ve been very busy. As my close friends and family already know, every December I travel to Nepal to take part in the annual World Elephant Polo tournament. Since 2001, I had made a name for myself as rising star in the cut-throat world of elephant polo. The U.S. doesn’t field a team, so I’ve been sort of a ringer for Scotland’s team. However, due to an unfortunate incident during the 2004 tournament I was unable to compete this year. My Nepali was a little rusty and I unintentionally insulted my mahout, or elephant driver, during the final chukka. Soon after my faux-pa, I was thrown from to the ground where I narrowly escaped a trampling at the hands of an angry elephant guided by one pissed off Hindu. This year, the 13th Duke of Argyll, captain of the Scotch team, didn’t invite me back so I was forced to cover the event rather than participate. Sure enough, the Scots won the tourney.
As you’re reading this, I’m already preparing for my comeback in next month’s King’s Cup in Thailand. Life is good in the elephant polo community. Midnight drinks in Sri Lanka, trashed hotels in Bangkok, and endless weekends spent carousing with the jet-set aristocracies of the Far East and Europe all paint the rich tapestry that is life as an elephant polo star. The fast paced world of the true Sport of Kings may beckon me to the Orient, but the simple life back in Texas will always call me home.
Getting to real sports, the Rose Bowl should prove to be historic. Hopefully Texas will pull off the upset and get the national title for the first time since 1970. Unlike last years ugly rout of OU by USC, this year the team playing USC might show up. USC needs to watch out for Vince Young and the high-powered Texas offense, and whoever marries Reggie Bush needs to watch out too, landside victories in the Heisman race and record stats as a USC running back can be a bad combination, I’m looking at you O. J.
Finally, it may be late but I have to say something about Michael Irvin. Irvin, who was indefensibly overlooked in last year’s hall of fame selections, was caught with a pipe in his car. The Playmaker claimed that it was a friend's and I believe him, but that’s not the point.  The real issue here is that this shouldn’t be a big deal.  Michael Irvin continues to get a bad wrap by the media after all these years.  If the golden boy Tom Brady was caught with a pipe I guaran-damn-tee you that media would be questioning marijuana laws and saying things like, “maybe it’s time we rethink these laws.”  But when Irvin gets in trouble people start asking, “Has Michael Irvin fallen off the wagon?” It’s hypocrisy and it’s racist; just like marijuana laws. I could go on and on...

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

We Can Be Heroes
an editorial

History shows again and again
How nature points up the folly of men
- BOC

Godzilla [not to be confused with the non-fire-breathing, retarded lizard from an American movie of the same name] began in post-war Japan as a scathing commentary on the folly of nuclear weapons and the menacing giant of the United States. The character went on to become a hero who saved Tokyo from goofy looking villains from Monster Island or outer-space often at the cost of many lives and millions of yen in property damage.
This reluctant hero embodied everything a person could hope to be. Large and in charge, Godzilla exerted his will on any situation. There was no Japanese defense unit too big, no radioactive monster too crazy to keep the King of Monsters down. Godzilla would always prevail, and the scientist and the little kid always knew it.
Godzilla may have best displayed his heroics as a strong role model for kids. What Godzilla movie would be complete without the kid that some how understands the gentle monster? The radioactive legend continued his work as a role model on the 1970s Hanna-Barbera cartoon show, the aptly titled "Godzilla." In both the American cartoon and the Japanese movies, Godzilla becomes a dad and shows that even monsters can be good father figures.
In terms of film, the original Godzilla series represents groundbreaking cinema. Hollywood, in typical fashion, attempted to co-opt the Godzilla franchise in the 1990s, resulting in the biggest bomb since the two that inspired the original film. But Japan struck back with Godzilla 2000 and proved that millions of dollars worth of special effects can't beat a rubber suit and a detailed, scale model of Tokyo.
So now, as America prepares for the new incarnation of King Kong, let's take time to remember when film needed a little imagination on the part of the viewer to work. Try to remember the days when models were made out of plastic, not polygons. But most of all, when it seems like life's got you caught up in power lines as it shoots you with tiny rockets, take a lesson from Godzilla and remember: you can gain strength from those power lines and use it to enhance your radioactive powers.

Good luck and Go Go Godzilla,
Hiro

We Can Be Heroes
an editorial

Number two in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

You know Washington, Jefferson, Franklin and Adams; but do you recall the most infamous founding father of them all? Aaron Burr is the most compelling figure in ealry American history, in my humble opinion. As we all learned from a milk commercial in the 1990s, Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel. But Burr was much more than a murderer, he was also the most interesting Vice President in American history.
Long before his infamous duel, Burr was a war hero in the Revolution. Before the Battle of Quebec, Burr disguised himself as a Catholic Priest to sneak across British lines and into Montreal. Later in the war, Burr was said to have saved an entire brigade from capture. Ironically, Hamilton was an officer in that very brigade.
Burr made a name for him in politics and became Vice President after losing to Jefferson in an election that was decided by the House of Representatives after a tie in the Electoral College. After becoming VP, Aaron Burr seemingly slipped into madness; possibly as a result of a stroke he suffered during the war from which he never fully recovered.
It was during his term as VP that the famous duel with Hamilton took place. Hamilton had been talking jive all over town about Burr. Some alleged that Hamilton accused Burr of sleeping with his own daughter. Deeply insulted, Burr demanded that Hamilton take back all insults against his character. When Hamilton refused, Burr decided to man up and challenge Hamilton to a duel under the formal
On the day of the duel, Hamilton decided that he wouldn't fire. Burr obviously didn't. As planned, Hamilton never fired but Burr shot him anyway, fatally damaging his liver. When Burr learned that Hamilton never planned to fire he was quoted as saying, "Contemptable, if true."
After the incident, Burr was charged with murder in New York and New Jersey but was never tried. He fled to South Carolina but returned to Washington D.C. to finish his term as Vice President. Nobody seemed to mind that the Vice President had murdered the former Secretary of Treasury and business went on as usual. Oddly enough, Burr was not asked to serve a second term.
This may seem dry and boring, but consider how insane this would be if it happened today. Imagine if Dick Cheney shot and killed former Secretary of Treasury Robert Rubin and then went right back to work without being tried; what would the media say? But Aaron Burr wouldn't stop with murder, he moved on to treason.
Out of power, broke, and exiled from his home state of New Jersey; Burr went west and got involved in some risky business. Exactly what treasonous scheme he was planning is still uncertain but some claim he was conspiring with a U.S. General on the take with the Spanish to build a new nation in the south and in Texas. Burr purchased large tracts of land in the southern territories of the U.S. and worked with land owners and foreigners to allegedly build a Latin American Empire to rival the United States.
President Jefferson issued a proclamation for Burr's arrest on the charge of treason. Taking the high road, Burr turned himself in to authorities. After an apparent change of heart, Burr jumped bail and fled for Spanish Florida but was captured in Alabama. But the man couldn't keep Burr down; he was acquitted twice on technicalities.
Imagine, once again, our Vice President trying to pull this off. Could he leave office, finance a coup, and then be acquitted? Well, that one may not be so far fetched.
Burr continued his scheming well into old age. At the age of 77, he married a rich widow but after four months, when found out that she wouldn't be inheriting as much as he had anticipated, he left her. On the month of their first anniversary, Burr's wife sued him for divorce. The divorce was granted on the day of Burr's death and in a cruel, ironic twist of fate, Burr was served his divorce papers on his death bed by none other than the son of Alexander Hamilton. A bitter end to a life dedicated to infamy.
Aaron Burr, to me, is an American original. He takes me back to a simpler time when politicians were respected men in the community and could do wrong; a time before corruption and partisan politics destroyed our trust in government. So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen.

We Can Be Heroes
An editorial

This is the first in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

Looking back on early childhood, my first heroes were the Ghostbusters. They wore cool suits, swore, smoked, and shot fire rays at funny ghosts that ate Cheetos. Of all the Ghostbusters, my hero has to be Egon Spengler. Widely regarded as the brainy Ghostbuster, few realize that Egon was in fact the ballsiest, craziest member of the team. Why you ask? For the answer to that question let's begin by looking at E=mc^2.
According to E=mc^2, energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. Now, if you take one's mass and multiply it by the speed of light squared [8.98755179 x 1016 m^2 / s^2], which is a lot, you come up with the amount of energy one would give off if their atoms were converted into energy. An average sized human would wipe out North America if they were able to convert their mass into energy.
Now back to Egon. Early in the film, Egon warns Venkman and Stanz not to cross the streams. "Imagine," he said, "all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." Essentially, crossing the streams would convert one's mass into energy, thus wiping out the country.
Later, when confronted by Zuul, Egon suggests crossing the streams in order to send Zuul back to her dimension. Egon says of the plan, "There's definitely a very slim chance we'll survive." Being a scientist, he must have known the consequences of having one's molecules explode at the speed of light. Egon put the lives of everyone on the planet in jeopardy to defeat Zuul, which makes him by far the most insane Ghostbuster. He knew that it was us or her; he'd take her out or blow everything up trying.
Egon Spengler represents the type of bold men of action that served as role model that young Americans desperately needed in the 1980s. I hope that this has somehow changed the way you think about Egon Spengler, if you think about him at all.

Next Time: Aaron Burr

DRUNKEN SECURITY GUARD FOILS HEIST

21 November, 2005 (Boise, Idaho): Two would-be thieves are in police custody today after their attempted robbery of the Boise Museum of Art was foiled by an allegedly drunken security guard armed with a make-shift Molotov cocktail. Brian Fitzpatrick, the night security guard, was allegedly intoxicated at his post late Sunday night when he noticed his video surveillance screens had gone out. As Fitzpatrick left the security center to patrol the museum, he saw two men
making-off with an undisclosed amount of paintings.
Unable to catch the burglars in the museum, Fitzpatrick ran outside only to find the bandits escaping in a getaway car. Reacting quickly, despite his inebriated state, the night watchman reached for his bottle of John Jameson & Son Irish Whiskey, his handkerchief and his lighter and hurled a Molotov cocktail at the getaway car. The cocktail exploded as it slammed into the driver-side window, stunning the driver. The suspected thief then lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a parked car. After the crash, Fitzpatrick approached the vehicle, pistol drawn, and apprehended both suspects.
Police arrived later to take the suspected burglars into custody and file a report on the incident. A spokesperson for the museum said they were happy the art was returned undamaged and that the robbery was stopped but stopped short of congratulating Mr. Fitzpatrick.
The museum denounced the actions of Fitzpatrick and has placed him on paid suspension until an investigation into the incident is complete. This is not the first time the guard has been reprimanded by the museum; Fitzpatrick was cited in 2003 for sleeping on the job while allegedly drunk.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

As the fourth quarter came to a close in Monday night's Dallas-Philadelphia matchup I thought to myself it was time to get out of the football picks business. Four out of five of my picks went the wrong way over the weekend and I was facing my first 0-5 week ever. But that all changed thanks to the demigod-like talent of Dallas safety Roy Williams. His interception helped the Cowboys and me pull out a last second victory. Dallas once again proved that they are America's team and, like America, will always prevail in the face of evil, especially the evil that is the Philadelphia Eagles. However, like America, the Cowboys probably peaked in the 1990s.
The game to watch this week is definitely Dallas vs. Detroit. Roy Williams vs. Roy Williams. Last year Detroit's Roy got the injury bug and America was deprived of the match up, but this year it should be worth the watch. Roy Williams (Dallas) is coming off a game winning INT, while Odessa, Texas' own Roy Williams caught three touchdown passes, a career high. I'm conflicted on this game, but I'm going with Dallas. I do expect Roy to have a good day, maybe a TD or two, but he can't do everything for Detroit and Dallas is the better overall team. And let's not forget, they're going to be in the Super Bowl.
In other NFL action, the Bucs are going to Atlanta this week and although Tampa has historically had Vick's number, I'm going with the Falcons. Clearly, the only reason the Falcons lost Green Bay was because they were looking past the Packers to the Tampa game; now that game is here. The Jets will shock the world with an upset over Denver. Although the trendy pick Cinncy over Indy, I don't see it. The Colts will lose this year, but it'll be against a team no one sees coming like Jaguars or the Titans. Finally, Houston looks like they're ready for a win and Kansas City looks like they're ready for a loss; Texans over Chiefs.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro

ELVIS IMPERSONATOR KILLED BY METEORITE

14 November, 2005 (Laughlin, Nevada) The smoldering remains of what once was a living tribute to Elvis Presley were found just yards away from the entrance to the casino where the faux King of Rock 'n' Roll once worked. Henry Muskie, 37, was the only victim of this beyond freak accident. While very little damage was inflicted on the parking lot, Muskie's remains were virtually liquefied. Investigators on the scene were only able to recover Muskie's arms and a few teeth.
As Muskie left work early Monday morning, a fireball about the size of a watermelon crashed to Earth killing the entertainer. Security cameras confirmed this to be the first fatality in the United States caused by a celestial object falling to Earth. Only one person witnessed the historic, yet deadly event. Security guard Leroy Jenkins said he saw a streak of fire shoot down from the sky at an incredible speed and land right on Muskie as he left the casino. "All of the sudden I heard this loud roaring sound and looked out to see a fireball kill Elvis," said Jenkins.
Scientists estimate the odds of being struck by a meteorite at 10 trillion to one. This was not the first time Muskie defied the odds. Over the weekend, Muskie won $12,000 in a poker tournament after being dealt a royal flush. The odds on a royal flush are 649,750 to 1.

LENIN'S CORPSE STOLEN!

10 November, 2005 (Moscow, Russia): Moscow residents are stunned today after a daring, daylight attack on the Lenin Mausoleum left four policemen dead and the corpse of the former Soviet leader missing. Hard-line Communists have been up in arms about the recently proposed removal of their beloved deceased dictator and now the debate takes a new turn as the whereabouts of the mummified body is unknown.
A communist separatist group calling themselves the Red Army Liberation Front (RALF) claimed responsibility for the raid in a taped statement delivered to the media. The RALF said it plans to resurrect the fallen leader so that Lenin may usher in a new era of Soviet rule. The tape made no mention of how the group will wake Lenin from his 81 year sleep but assured viewers that a communist revolution is at hand.