Tuesday, September 27, 2005


26 September, 2005 (Burundi): Zoologists and anthropologists alike are stunned by a recent discovery in the dense jungles of the Cankuzo region of Burundi. Late last month residents of the region had reported gunfire deep in the jungles near the Tanzanian border. This region has been ravaged by violent conflicts between rival ethnic groups and violent armed gangs for years so it was no surprise to authorities when they learned of a possible training camp hidden in the jungle. The UN operation in Burundi, the ONUB, was quick to dispatch a reconnaissance team. Upon reaching the jungle region the group immediately took on fire. After a short gunfight with hidden assailants lurking behind the trees the UN forces secured the area.
It was after the unit secured the jungle area that they made a shocking discovery: no human bodies were found. Lying next to the still smoking weapons were not militants but a troop of mountain gorillas. After an intensive search it became clear that no militants were in the area and the weapons had been discharged by the gorillas.
Shocked by this discovery, the UN immediately sent for UN scientists and local zoologists and anthropologists. After a search of the surrounding jungle several clues were found. Explorers on scence found what looked to be a cache of German small arms most likely hidden during World War II by German troops fleeing an allied advance. Much of the ammo had been depleted. Also found near the sight was a crashed Cessa loaded with small arms most likely intended to be delivered to local warlords. The conclusion drawn by local researchers is that the troop of gorillas had been in contact with weapons for close to 60 years and that over the past three generations had learned to use them. Researchers are baffled by the gorilla's proficiency with the weapons but believe that they might have been in close contact with human combat and observed how to operate firearms.
American zoologist and gorilla expert Chuck Ng is not too shocked with the findings. "Gorillas can be as smart as a human child," Ng said, "and if kids can watch TV and figure out how to shoot up their school, it is not beyond belief that these magnificent creatures could emulate a human."

Monday, September 26, 2005


Russian astrologer Marina Bai is suing NASA for damages claiming that they ruined her career and reputation[see story]. Marina claims that the Deep Impact satellite that was sent by the space agency to collide with the Tempel-1 comet last July disrupted the astrological plane interfering with her predictions. She said at the time of the experiment: "It is obvious that elements of the comet's orbit, and correspondingly the ephemeris, a table which lists the positions of celestial bodies, will change after the explosion, which interferes with my astrology work and distorts my horoscope."
In a related story, I will be filing suit against the National Football League, the New York Jets, and several race horses for years of blowing my predictions and costing me money in the process.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hurricanes an Al Qaida Plot?

As America braces for yet another massive hurricane assault it is hard to not wonder, "Why would the greatest nation on Earth be punished by the God that loves this country so well?" I pondered this question for some time until I came to the only logical conclusion: God's not sending these hurricanes, our enemies are.
But how is this possible you might ask? To answer this let's first look at how hurricanes form. Wikipedia describes the conditions neccessary for a hurricane to form and says that one such condition are "tropical waves," or easterly waves, which are westward moving areas of convergent winds. This convergence frequently assists in the development of thunderstorms, which can develop into tropical cyclones. The majority of tropical cyclones form from these. A similar phenomenon to tropical waves are West African disturbance lines, which are squally lines of convection that form over Africa and move into the Atlantic. Hmmm, West Africa? These storms are coming from abroad and suspiciously close to Al Qaeda hot spots.
"But Hiro," you ask, "does this mean that Al Qaeda is behind these deadly storms?" Indeed it might. Weather control devices may not be a flight of fancy at all. On Oct. 2, 1992, The Wall Street Journal reported that a Russian company, Elate Intelligent Technologies, Inc., has weather control equipment for sale and uses the advertising slogan of “weather made to order.” In fact, author Sydney Sheldon believes that "two superpowers have the ability to control weather around the world: the United States and Russia. Other countries, probably China and North Korea, are working feverishly to catch up." Next we must ask, "but how do Islamic terrorists come into the picture?"
The answer to this question invloves a stunning connection that many have snoozed on. Islamic fundamentalist movements are working in conjunction with International Communism! The links are all there. As far back as 1978 the connections were being seen. [International Terrorism: The Communist Connection Revisited ] Evidence points to Soviet links to the PLO, Red China links to fundamentalists in Iran, and most recently Communist North Korea has been distributing arms to Yemen and other rogue states. [How Al Qaeda seeks to buy Chinese arms, U.S. lets Scud ship sail to Yemen]
Could international terrorism be a communist plot to overthrow the United States? Most likely. Could the communist governments of Red China and North Korea be using Russian technology to build hurricanes for Al Qaeda? Obviously.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

America! Posted by Picasa
Posted by Picasa

Under Construction.

Libertarian rants to be expected sometime soon.