Monday, December 12, 2005

From the Sports Desk

an editorial

It’s been a while since the last sports piece, but I’ve been very busy. As my close friends and family already know, every December I travel to Nepal to take part in the annual World Elephant Polo tournament. Since 2001, I had made a name for myself as rising star in the cut-throat world of elephant polo. The U.S. doesn’t field a team, so I’ve been sort of a ringer for Scotland’s team. However, due to an unfortunate incident during the 2004 tournament I was unable to compete this year. My Nepali was a little rusty and I unintentionally insulted my mahout, or elephant driver, during the final chukka. Soon after my faux-pa, I was thrown from to the ground where I narrowly escaped a trampling at the hands of an angry elephant guided by one pissed off Hindu. This year, the 13th Duke of Argyll, captain of the Scotch team, didn’t invite me back so I was forced to cover the event rather than participate. Sure enough, the Scots won the tourney.
As you’re reading this, I’m already preparing for my comeback in next month’s King’s Cup in Thailand. Life is good in the elephant polo community. Midnight drinks in Sri Lanka, trashed hotels in Bangkok, and endless weekends spent carousing with the jet-set aristocracies of the Far East and Europe all paint the rich tapestry that is life as an elephant polo star. The fast paced world of the true Sport of Kings may beckon me to the Orient, but the simple life back in Texas will always call me home.
Getting to real sports, the Rose Bowl should prove to be historic. Hopefully Texas will pull off the upset and get the national title for the first time since 1970. Unlike last years ugly rout of OU by USC, this year the team playing USC might show up. USC needs to watch out for Vince Young and the high-powered Texas offense, and whoever marries Reggie Bush needs to watch out too, landside victories in the Heisman race and record stats as a USC running back can be a bad combination, I’m looking at you O. J.
Finally, it may be late but I have to say something about Michael Irvin. Irvin, who was indefensibly overlooked in last year’s hall of fame selections, was caught with a pipe in his car. The Playmaker claimed that it was a friend's and I believe him, but that’s not the point.  The real issue here is that this shouldn’t be a big deal.  Michael Irvin continues to get a bad wrap by the media after all these years.  If the golden boy Tom Brady was caught with a pipe I guaran-damn-tee you that media would be questioning marijuana laws and saying things like, “maybe it’s time we rethink these laws.”  But when Irvin gets in trouble people start asking, “Has Michael Irvin fallen off the wagon?” It’s hypocrisy and it’s racist; just like marijuana laws. I could go on and on...

Good luck and go USA,

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

We Can Be Heroes
an editorial

History shows again and again
How nature points up the folly of men


Godzilla [not to be confused with the non-fire-breathing, retarded lizard from an American movie of the same name] began in post-war Japan as a scathing commentary on the folly of nuclear weapons and the menacing giant of the United States. The character went on to become a hero who saved Tokyo from goofy looking villains from Monster Island or outer-space often at the cost of many lives and millions of yen in property damage.
This reluctant hero embodied everything a person could hope to be. Large and in charge, Godzilla exerted his will on any situation. There was no Japanese defense unit too big, no radioactive monster too crazy to keep the King of Monsters down. Godzilla would always prevail, and the scientist and the little kid always knew it.
Godzilla may have best displayed his heroics as a strong role model for kids. What Godzilla movie would be complete without the kid that some how understands the gentle monster? The radioactive legend continued his work as a role model on the 1970s Hanna-Barbera cartoon show, the aptly titled "Godzilla." In both the American cartoon and the Japanese movies, Godzilla becomes a dad and shows that even monsters can be good father figures.
In terms of film, the original Godzilla series represents groundbreaking cinema. Hollywood, in typical fashion, attempted to co-opt the Godzilla franchise in the 1990s, resulting in the biggest bomb since the two that inspired the original film. But Japan struck back with Godzilla 2000 and proved that millions of dollars worth of special effects can't beat a rubber suit and a detailed, scale model of Tokyo.
So now, as America prepares for the new incarnation of King Kong, let's take time to remember when film needed a little imagination on the part of the viewer to work. Try to remember the days when models were made out of plastic, not polygons. But most of all, when it seems like life's got you caught up in power lines as it shoots you with tiny rockets, take a lesson from Godzilla and remember: you can gain strength from those power lines and use it to enhance your radioactive powers.

Good luck and Go Go Godzilla,

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

We Can Be Heroes
an editorial

Number two in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

You know Washington, Jefferson, Franklin and Adams; but do you recall the most infamous founding father of them all? Aaron Burr is the most compelling figure in ealry American history, in my humble opinion. As we all learned from a milk commercial in the 1990s, Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel. But Burr was much more than a murderer, he was also the most interesting Vice President in American history.
Long before his infamous duel, Burr was a war hero in the Revolution. Before the Battle of Quebec, Burr disguised himself as a Catholic Priest to sneak across British lines and into Montreal. Later in the war, Burr was said to have saved an entire brigade from capture. Ironically, Hamilton was an officer in that very brigade.
Burr made a name for him in politics and became Vice President after losing to Jefferson in an election that was decided by the House of Representatives after a tie in the Electoral College. After becoming VP, Aaron Burr seemingly slipped into madness; possibly as a result of a stroke he suffered during the war from which he never fully recovered.
It was during his term as VP that the famous duel with Hamilton took place. Hamilton had been talking jive all over town about Burr. Some alleged that Hamilton accused Burr of sleeping with his own daughter. Deeply insulted, Burr demanded that Hamilton take back all insults against his character. When Hamilton refused, Burr decided to man up and challenge Hamilton to a duel under the formal
On the day of the duel, Hamilton decided that he wouldn't fire. Burr obviously didn't. As planned, Hamilton never fired but Burr shot him anyway, fatally damaging his liver. When Burr learned that Hamilton never planned to fire he was quoted as saying, "Contemptable, if true."
After the incident, Burr was charged with murder in New York and New Jersey but was never tried. He fled to South Carolina but returned to Washington D.C. to finish his term as Vice President. Nobody seemed to mind that the Vice President had murdered the former Secretary of Treasury and business went on as usual. Oddly enough, Burr was not asked to serve a second term.
This may seem dry and boring, but consider how insane this would be if it happened today. Imagine if Dick Cheney shot and killed former Secretary of Treasury Robert Rubin and then went right back to work without being tried; what would the media say? But Aaron Burr wouldn't stop with murder, he moved on to treason.
Out of power, broke, and exiled from his home state of New Jersey; Burr went west and got involved in some risky business. Exactly what treasonous scheme he was planning is still uncertain but some claim he was conspiring with a U.S. General on the take with the Spanish to build a new nation in the south and in Texas. Burr purchased large tracts of land in the southern territories of the U.S. and worked with land owners and foreigners to allegedly build a Latin American Empire to rival the United States.
President Jefferson issued a proclamation for Burr's arrest on the charge of treason. Taking the high road, Burr turned himself in to authorities. After an apparent change of heart, Burr jumped bail and fled for Spanish Florida but was captured in Alabama. But the man couldn't keep Burr down; he was acquitted twice on technicalities.
Imagine, once again, our Vice President trying to pull this off. Could he leave office, finance a coup, and then be acquitted? Well, that one may not be so far fetched.
Burr continued his scheming well into old age. At the age of 77, he married a rich widow but after four months, when found out that she wouldn't be inheriting as much as he had anticipated, he left her. On the month of their first anniversary, Burr's wife sued him for divorce. The divorce was granted on the day of Burr's death and in a cruel, ironic twist of fate, Burr was served his divorce papers on his death bed by none other than the son of Alexander Hamilton. A bitter end to a life dedicated to infamy.
Aaron Burr, to me, is an American original. He takes me back to a simpler time when politicians were respected men in the community and could do wrong; a time before corruption and partisan politics destroyed our trust in government. So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

We Can Be Heroes
An editorial

This is the first in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

Looking back on early childhood, my first heroes were the Ghostbusters. They wore cool suits, swore, smoked, and shot fire rays at funny ghosts that ate Cheetos. Of all the Ghostbusters, my hero has to be Egon Spengler. Widely regarded as the brainy Ghostbuster, few realize that Egon was in fact the ballsiest, craziest member of the team. Why you ask? For the answer to that question let's begin by looking at E=mc^2.
According to E=mc^2, energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. Now, if you take one's mass and multiply it by the speed of light squared [8.98755179 x 1016 m^2 / s^2], which is a lot, you come up with the amount of energy one would give off if their atoms were converted into energy. An average sized human would wipe out North America if they were able to convert their mass into energy.
Now back to Egon. Early in the film, Egon warns Venkman and Stanz not to cross the streams. "Imagine," he said, "all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." Essentially, crossing the streams would convert one's mass into energy, thus wiping out the country.
Later, when confronted by Zuul, Egon suggests crossing the streams in order to send Zuul back to her dimension. Egon says of the plan, "There's definitely a very slim chance we'll survive." Being a scientist, he must have known the consequences of having one's molecules explode at the speed of light. Egon put the lives of everyone on the planet in jeopardy to defeat Zuul, which makes him by far the most insane Ghostbuster. He knew that it was us or her; he'd take her out or blow everything up trying.
Egon Spengler represents the type of bold men of action that served as role model that young Americans desperately needed in the 1980s. I hope that this has somehow changed the way you think about Egon Spengler, if you think about him at all.

Next Time
: Aaron Burr

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


21 November, 2005 (Boise, Idaho): Two would-be thieves are in police custody today after their attempted robbery of the Boise Museum of Art was foiled by an allegedly drunken security guard armed with a make-shift Molotov cocktail. Brian Fitzpatrick, the night security guard, was allegedly intoxicated at his post late Sunday night when he noticed his video surveillance screens had gone out. As Fitzpatrick left the security center to patrol the museum, he saw two men
making-off with an undisclosed amount of paintings.
Unable to catch the burglars in the museum, Fitzpatrick ran outside only to find the bandits escaping in a getaway car. Reacting quickly, despite his inebriated state, the night watchman reached for his bottle of John Jameson & Son Irish Whiskey, his handkerchief and his lighter and hurled a Molotov cocktail at the getaway car. The cocktail exploded as it slammed into the driver-side window, stunning the driver. The suspected thief then lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a parked car. After the crash, Fitzpatrick approached the vehicle, pistol drawn, and apprehended both suspects.
Police arrived later to take the suspected burglars into custody and file a report on the incident. A spokesperson for the museum said they were happy the art was returned undamaged and that the robbery was stopped but stopped short of congratulating Mr. Fitzpatrick.
The museum denounced the actions of Fitzpatrick and has placed him on paid suspension until an investigation into the incident is complete. This is not the first time the guard has been reprimanded by the museum; Fitzpatrick was cited in 2003 for sleeping on the job while allegedly drunk.

Friday, November 18, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

As the fourth quarter came to a close in Monday night's Dallas-Philadelphia matchup I thought to myself it was time to get out of the football picks business. Four out of five of my picks went the wrong way over the weekend and I was facing my first 0-5 week ever. But that all changed thanks to the demigod-like talent of Dallas safety Roy Williams. His interception helped the Cowboys and me pull out a last second victory. Dallas once again proved that they are America's team and, like America, will always prevail in the face of evil, especially the evil that is the Philadelphia Eagles. However, like America, the Cowboys probably peaked in the 1990s.
The game to watch this week is definitely Dallas vs. Detroit. Roy Williams vs. Roy Williams. Last year Detroit's Roy got the injury bug and America was deprived of the match up, but this year it should be worth the watch. Roy Williams (Dallas) is coming off a game winning INT, while Odessa, Texas' own Roy Williams caught three touchdown passes, a career high. I'm conflicted on this game, but I'm going with Dallas. I do expect Roy to have a good day, maybe a TD or two, but he can't do everything for Detroit and Dallas is the better overall team. And let's not forget, they're going to be in the Super Bowl.
In other NFL action, the Bucs are going to Atlanta this week and although Tampa has historically had Vick's number, I'm going with the Falcons. Clearly, the only reason the Falcons lost Green Bay was because they were looking past the Packers to the Tampa game; now that game is here. The Jets will shock the world with an upset over Denver. Although the trendy pick Cinncy over Indy, I don't see it. The Colts will lose this year, but it'll be against a team no one sees coming like Jaguars or the Titans. Finally, Houston looks like they're ready for a win and Kansas City looks like they're ready for a loss; Texans over Chiefs.

Good luck and go USA,

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


14 November, 2005 (Laughlin, Nevada) The smoldering remains of what once was a living tribute to Elvis Presley were found just yards away from the entrance to the casino where the faux King of Rock 'n' Roll once worked. Henry Muskie, 37, was the only victim of this beyond freak accident. While very little damage was inflicted on the parking lot, Muskie's remains were virtually liquefied. Investigators on the scene were only able to recover Muskie's arms and a few teeth.
As Muskie left work early Monday morning, a fireball about the size of a watermelon crashed to Earth killing the entertainer. Security cameras confirmed this to be the first fatality in the United States caused by a celestial object falling to Earth. Only one person witnessed the historic, yet deadly event. Security guard Leroy Jenkins said he saw a streak of fire shoot down from the sky at an incredible speed and land right on Muskie as he left the casino. "All of the sudden I heard this loud roaring sound and looked out to see a fireball kill Elvis," said Jenkins.
Scientists estimate the odds of being struck by a meteorite at 10 trillion to one. This was not the first time Muskie defied the odds. Over the weekend, Muskie won $12,000 in a poker tournament after being dealt a royal flush. The odds on a royal flush are 649,750 to 1.

Friday, November 11, 2005


10 November, 2005 (Moscow, Russia): Moscow residents are stunned today after a daring, daylight attack on the Lenin Mausoleum left four policemen dead and the corpse of the former Soviet leader missing. Hard-line Communists have been up in arms about the recently proposed removal of their beloved deceased dictator and now the debate takes a new turn as the whereabouts of the mummified body is unknown.
A communist separatist group calling themselves the Red Army Liberation Front (RALF) claimed responsibility for the raid in a taped statement delivered to the media. The RALF said it plans to resurrect the fallen leader so that Lenin may usher in a new era of Soviet rule. The tape made no mention of how the group will wake Lenin from his 81 year sleep but assured viewers that a communist revolution is at hand.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


9 November, 2005 (Comstock, TX): Police and ASPCA officials are investigating allegations of animal abuse after a retired priest performed an exorcism on his cat, Gerald. Former Catholic priest, Anthony DiLuglio, 78, claims his cat had become possessed by the devil in recent weeks and needed the controversial procedure.
Police arrived at DiLuglio's residence early Monday morning after receiving reports of strange noises coming from the house. Neighbors called police after becoming concerned for the health of Mr. DiLuglio's cat. One neighbor, who chose to remain anonymous, said the cat appeared to be malnourished.
Father DiLuglio claimed that the cat had contracted a demon. DiLuglio told police that the cat had refused to eat for close to a month and exhibited bizarre behavior. "That cat damn near killed my dog," DiLuglio said, "He might have killed me if I hadn't done something." The retired priest went on to claim that the cat killed all 6 of his fish, blinded his dog in a vicious attack, raised a mouse from the dead, and walked on the ceiling on multiple occasions. "I seen that cat playing with a dead mouse I'd killed with a trap and then all of the sudden that mouse was running around with that Lucifer cat."
Fearing for his life, Father DiLuglio turned to a controversial practice, the exorcism. "In all my years I'd never seen a possession, but I knew this was the Devil." DiLuglio allegedly tied the cat down and performed the ritual on the feline for close to six hours. When police arrived on the scene they found an exhausted DiLuglio and a passed out cat. The cat was malnourished but showed no signs of abuse. DiLuglio was arrested on charges of criminal neglect. The cat has been taken to a local ASPCA shelter where it will be treated and eventually adopted or euthanized.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

The Cowboys were off last week and so was I, but I'm back with my outrageous picks. The Boys will face the beleaguered Eagles on a Monday night match that should be worth watching. As always I'll be taking the Cowboys in this one. The Eagles are struggling, coming up just short of a Super Bowl trophy so many years in a row has taken its toll on McNabb and company. T.O. may never play in Philly again; and based on his attitude, he may not play anywhere ever again. The Eagles are finished and it's a good day to be a Cowboys fan.
Brooks Bollinger is the new star in New York. Quarterback and AARP spokesman, Vinny Testeverde went out last week, totally blowing my predictions about his future and leaving Bollinger in charge of the sinking ship that is the New York Jets. Bollinger seems like a good fit for NY. Not only did Bollinger have a few impressive drives last week but he also passed Chad Pennington as the quarterback with the whitest name in the NFL. Don't snooze on Bolly, though, he had some impressive rushing stats at Wisconsin and is probably the best scrambling qb on the Jet's depth chart. Expect the Jets to beat Carolina in an upset that will make Bollinger the hot topic of the week. In other games, I'm once again picking Houston to upset Indy, it's just too perfect. Manning and the Colts are still celebrating the win in Foxboro and will snooze on the Texans. I see the Brownies upsetting Pittsburgh on national TV, Sunday night. Finally, Atlanta will take down the beat-up Packers as Favre continues to tear up the record books on his quest to be the most picked-off QB ever.
Moving away from football, the greatest quadrennial sporting event is only 90 days away; of course I'm referring to Olympic Hockey. I'm hoping our boys show those Canadians a thing or two about how to play hockey, they have no place in the sport. Who needs the NHL? International hockey is much more compelling.
Well, that's all I got on sports this week.

Good luck and go USA,

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

More Monkey Mayhem
a follow up

As first reported by this source several weeks ago, gorillas have grown increasingly intelligent and pose the greatest threat to global human supremacy. Shortly after this blog broke the hard-hitting, and absolutely real story about gorillas using guns, the liberal media began reporting a more p.c. story about gorillas and simple tool use. [Wild Gorillas Use Tools, Photos Reveal] Regardless of whether these apes are using sticks or assault rifles, gorilla intelligence is a menace to decent human society.
Still not convinced? More recently, gorillas have been reported as gaining access to the most dangerous weapon against civilization: reality TV. Reuters has reported that gorillas will soon star in their own reality show on Czech public television. [New reality show with gorillas]
The east-coast, liberal intelligentsia would have you believe that animals are our cuddly friends complete with personalities, feelings, and souls. However, in the wake of endless shark, bee, bear and bobcat attacks and the growing intelligence of gorillas it has become easy to see what our ancestors have known for many millennia, animals are to be feared, eaten, and worn. As gorillas begin to question their role as the number two primate on the planet they could grow subversive to our American way of life. Should they ever decide to rise up against their more successful primate cousin we will be no match for their massive ape strength. Well, in all honesty, only a couple zookeepers would be mauled before the gorillas are shot to death by zoo security; but are we willing to risk one human life?
You can help win the war for human existence by contacting your local butcher shop or deli. Don't be fooled by the ultra-hip, vegetarian elite that plague our college campuses, they are only weakening our species with their meat substitutes. When the animal revolution comes mankind may be too anemic and weak to fend off the waves of bees and gorillas.

Friday, October 28, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

The fix is in!  Looks like not much has changed since 1919; a global flu epidemic is threatening mankind and the White Sox are fixing World Series games.  This year’s Series [and possibly last year’s] is clearly the result of a conspiracy to divert attention from the steroid scandal and struggling ratings.  Major League Baseball in conjunction with the Chicago mob clearly paid off the umps and possibly Astro reliever Ezequiel Astacio.  Look no further than the bad call in game 2 when Wheeler’s pitch allegedly hit White Sox hitter Jermaine Dye while the video shows the ball clearly hit the bat, not Dye.  That shitty call set up Paul Konerko's grand slam!  What are the odds that two cursed Sox teams sweep consecutive World Series?  A Vietnamese fisherman without a nose can tell that something stinks here.  
Major League Baseball has been on a steady decline in recent years and now they’re desperate for ratings.  The steroids scandal and the league’s ineffectiveness on the issue have dominated baseball headlines for a couple years now and the league needs good stories.  So what do they do?  They conspire with the Illuminati to fix the World Series for the Red Sox and then they team up with the Chicago mob to fix it for the White Sox.  Unfortunately for us loyal Astros fans in the Great State of Texas, the elitist, East Coast, liberal media outfits are quick to jump on the Sox bandwagons and make them their media darlings.  Is it any coincidence that Bush 41 happens to be an Astro’s fan and Texas and Missouri happen to be red states?  Clearly, a cabal between the liberal media, MLB, the Illuminati [possibly reptile people] and the Chicago mob are fixing these games.  Not to worry, this story will be broken wide open by the bastion of investigative journalism, the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath.

In other news,

My football picks were so terrible that any further discussion of them would only serve to shame my family.  This week I’m hoping to turn it around.  Helping me turning it around is the fact that I don’t have to count the Jets this week; they have a bye.  The Lions and their new front man, San Francisco socialite Jeff Garcia, should upend the Bears in that tough NFC North.  The Texans will finally come up with a win against the Brownies.  America’s last surviving Spanish American War vet and Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs will test his hated Redskins against the New York Football Giants in a crucial NFC East game and win.  The once and future NFC East champion Dallas Cowboys will defeat the New Look Cardinals in a blow out.  Hopefully, the Anti-Catholic, Free Mason led conspiracy that has been fixing Saints games will give them a break this week and they’ll beat the Dolphins.  Well, that’s all for this week, hopefully my prognosticating powers will return next week.

Good luck and go USA,

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


25 October, 2005 (Scottsdale, Arizona): An Arizona man is dead today after what appears to have been a botched rescue attempt. Local sporting goods retailer and tattoo enthusiast Jacob Krebs, 26, was found dead in a parking lot early Tuesday morning. According to eye witness and mugging victim Harriet Mann, Krebs was shot late Monday night as he attempted to rescue Mann from a mugging.
Mann described what happened in a statement from her hospital bed where she is recovering from injuries sustained during the incident. "I was heading to my car late after work when this man in a mask came out from the dark," Mann said, "he told me to give him all my money or he'd shoot me." Mann went on to say that as the man reached for his gun a second masked man leaped down from a near by rooftop. "This man come leapin' off this roof like some kinda ninja man and hit his ankle hard and took a spill." The second man was Jacob Krebs.
Krebs' body was found dressed in a ninja style outfit with some body armor. The outfit apparently had a reptile theme that matched tattoos on Krebs' arms. Krebs was armed with several darts with rat poison on the tips and a police baton.
Krebs suffered a broken ankle from the aerobatic leap off the rooftop. Mann went on to say that, "after that guy jumped off that roof and hurt himself that mugger just laughed and laughed." Amused by the would be hero's leap, the mugger proceeded to shoot Krebs once in the forehead and then put the fatal shot into his throat.
Unfortunately for Mann, as her would be rescuer lay dead on the pavement the mugger proceeded to shoot her in the leg and then beat her relentlessly and steal her purse. This appeared to be Krebs' first attempt at crime fighting. No witnesses in the Scottsdale area have recently reported a reptile like ninja saving their lives or preventing crime; nor have any criminals recently been captured or detained by a masked vigilante. Scottsdale officials are urging people not to take justice into their own hands. The mugger has yet to be captured.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

Well, well, well; looks like I'm not so crazy and stupid after all. As the four people who read this blog might already know, I predicted back at the beginning of the playoffs that the World Series would be between the Astros and White Sox. So, football picks not withstanding, it appears I can see the future. At the time I also said the World Series would go seven games. After the Astros performance in the NLCS I'm not sure if they will go seven, five or six seems more likely. Either way, I'm sticking with Houston to win it all.
Moving to the NFL, my picks didn't do so well this past weekend. I'm 5-5 on the year (that's .500!). The officials robbed me and New Orleans of a win over the Falcons. The Jets stumbled, but they'll be back this week. The Cowboys are looking good, they're #1 in the NFC East and have got their eyes on the prize. I'm still calling a Jets-Cowboys Super Bowl, but lightning probably won't strike twice and I'll likely miss that prediction. Colts-Cowboys seems somewhat likely; it would be a rematch of Super Bowl V where the Colts beat the Cowboys by a last second field goal.
This week I'm going to keep doing what I do every week, I'm picking Dallas and New York to both win their games. Dallas' D should shut down the mighty Seattle offense. The Jets will shock the world Monday night against Atlanta. I like San Diego to beat the Eagles and Oakland to beat Buffalo. Finally, 0-5 Houston is taking on 6-0 Indianapolis. How can I resist? I'm calling Houston to pull off the upset of the year. Houston is a city of dreams this year and I'm getting in on the ground floor on this miracle.

Good luck and go USA,

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


18 OCTOBER, 2005 (Elwood, Indiana): Doris Rosenthal and her nine-year-old daughter Rachel Rosenthal were horrified by a disturbing discovery they made upon returning Monday afternoon. Rachel opened the door to their suburban home to find the family cat, Buckley, lying motionless on the floor, bent in half. Doris quickly called the local ASPCA authorities. After an extensive investigation it was ruled that the culprit was most likely the family's domestic robot, the UNTVL VI. Investigators found no signs of forced entry and concluded that only the robot was with the cat. Contributing to this conclusion was the fact that only a robot could mangle the cat in such a fashion.
The Rosenthal family purchased the UNTVL VI for $45,000 from an online Japanese company. The UNTVL VI domestic robot is a semi-android that can be programmed to perform various household chores. This particular UNTVL VI was set to pick up children's toys and do other various cleaning functions automatically while the family was away.
No one is sure what drove the android to kill the cat. Some have speculated that the cat might have been mistaken for a toy. However, had that been the case the cat would have more likely been discovered neatly put away with the children's toys. One ASPCA officer discovered claw marks on the android suggesting that the cat had used the domestic servant for a scratching post for some time. Perhaps the android felt threatened or had simply had enough.
Artificial intelligence behavior expert Dr. Tim Asimov is baffled by this event. Dr. Asimov is quick to dismiss claims that the android was angered by the cat. "No robot built today has the capacity to feel anger, they only do what they are programmed to do." said Dr Asimov. Asimov blames faulty programming but went on to suggest that maybe someone in the family with malice towards the cat programmed the android to do the deed. The dog has not been questioned.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

After this past week in football, all the talk was about a certain Jets quarterback that was thought to be done. If I recall, I do believe this news outlet had that story three days in advance. Yes, it was a good week for my picks. The two games I got wrong were each decided by last second field goals, but I suppose close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and thermonuclear bombs. The Falcons might have won if Vick had played; but if the Queen had balls she be King. In baseball, I stand by my Astros/Sox World Series. Let's not forget I made that call before the NLDS and ALDS had been decided.
Since showing off is bad Karma, I'll move on. This week my five picks are as follows: Since the Falcons let me down I'm picking the Saints to upset them in the Great State of Texas. Tampa will go on a two game skid and fall to the Dolphins. Vinny and the Jets should keep it rolling against the Bills. Dallas will come up with a big win against the Giants and continue on their path to the Super Bowl match against the Jets. Finally, I still hate the Patriots so I expect them to lose against the surprisingly 4-1 Broncos.
In other great sports news, ESPN is reporting that the 1994 beat-down of Nancy Kerrigan by Harding backed goons will be made into an opera. [Harding-Kerrigan saga becomes opera]This insane story has led me to begin work on my own thrilling sports opera: "He Did What?!?: The Leon Lett Story." This will be a truly great opera that will tell the tale of how a key piece of one of the greatest defenses of all time let himself and the county down not once, but two times earning himself the nickname "Leon Lett-down." As you may recall, during the closing minutes of Super Bowl XXVII Leon Lett came up with a fumble and ran it all the way back but fumbled the ball just short of the end-zone when he extended the ball in celebration only to have it knocked out of his hand. A second "Lett-down" came in a Thanksgiving Day game against Miami where he botched a blocked field goal costing America's Team the game. Lett's story is a story of perseverance and the cruelty of Karma.
The opera itself will be a rock opera most likely. I'm going to be drawing on Queen and the Who for inspiration. Expect it in a theatre near you sometime around summer 2015.

Good luck and Go USA,

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


10 October, 2005 (Tokyo): With gas prices skyrocketing worldwide and oil reserves dwindling, several corporations are desperately seeking to find a renewable energy source to replace petroleum. The Ghidra Corporation of Japan believes it has discovered a solution for the world's energy woes. This week, CEO Jiro Mizutani unveiled a new plan that he says "will cover Japan's energy needs for centuries to come." What makes this new plan so shocking is that it uses the oldest commercial oil known to man: whale oil.
Pending governmental approval, the Ghirda Corporation intends to build large containment nets in the Sea of Japan in order to breed "farm raised" whales. Chief engineer on the project, Katsuhiro Noma, compares the proposed apparatus to large scale fish farms and believes that several hundred whales can be bred within 5 years. Also contributing to the project is one of Japan's leading authorities on bio-engineering, Susumu Otomo. Otomo has developed plans to clone whales for faster reproduction and genetically modifying the whales to yield more oil.
Whale oil was the first animal or mineral oil to be sold commercially and has been historically used for everything from soap production to lamp oil. Using new technology, the Ghidra Corp. believes that it can modify the oil into anything from motor oil to rocket fuel. CEO Mizutani maintains that his company's whale farms will produce enough oil in the next 15 years to cover 35 percent of the Japan's oil needs.
PETA and other animal rights groups have yet to comment, but lawyers from Ghidra Corp. claim that the farm raising nature of the project excludes them from whaling laws.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

What do you get when you're quarter back is a Heisman trophy winner, former number one draft pick, number eight of all-time in touchdowns, number six in completions, and number six of all-time in yards? A super bowl victory, obviously. Obviously. Well, maybe not when that number one pick came in 1987 and you're also the number five interception leader of all-time. Of course, I'm talking about the legendary Vinny Testaverde who will get his first start as Jet in two years this week against the team that picked him first, undefeated Tampa Bay.
While the Jets, who haven't scored a touchdown since Pennington went down, are most likely done for the season, one can't help but root for Vinny and the Jets. This leads me to my personal pick for the best possible super bowl outcome: Jets vs. Cowboys. The story line is too perfect. In a desperate last shot at glory, the aged Testaverde carries the banged up Jets on wing and a prayer to Super Bowl XL only to meet the team that released him, the Dallas Cowboys. The same Cowboys that are led by former Jets coach Bill Parcells. This match up would also pit former Jet Keyshawn Johnson against his old team. Further making this a compelling story is the fact that Vinny was dumped by the Cowboys for another QB that's running out of gas, Drew Bledsoe. Yes, it would be Dinosaur Bowl I as these two legends of mediocrity square off in a Super Bowl that would go largely unwatched by the American public, but highly praised by this fan. This dream super bowl of mine would be topped off with a stunning victory by the Jets and an MVP for Vinny. Soon, all the country would become captivated with this tail of how the team that no one thought had a chance was led by a hero that no one believed had any game left in him. All of this success would culminate with Time magazine naming Vinny Testaverde Time's Man of the Year.
While that dream seems unlikely another dream of mine is much closer to becoming reality. The Houston Astros are just steps away from reaching the World Series. Although the Astros have never reached the World Series in their 40 years of existence no one is ready to call it a curse, unlike those whiney babies in Chicago and Boston. Curses aren't real, shitty players are. Is anyone as sick of the Red Sox as I am? Why is winning a World Series every 86 years such a big deal? But the Astros are moving on up and will hopefully play another "cursed" team, the Chicago White Sox. That's my prediction for this year: Sox and 'Stros. Astros take it in seven.
This week in the NFL there are several exciting match ups. I'm predicting upsets in Dallas and New York as both these teams begin their rise to the Big One with victories over Philly and Tampa, respectively. I see San Diego over Pittsburgh and Atlanta over New England as the Patriots drop to 2-3. In my fifth and final pick I'm taking Detroit to get their act together against Baltimore. Well, all these picks seem solid.
Finally, ESPN columnist and TV personality Skip Bayless recently commented that football could be improved by eliminating kicking altogether. No more field goals? I'm totally against this. One of the most interesting parts of a game is watching four quarters of rough, violent football only to have the game decided at the last minute by a small foreigner with a funny name and a one-bar helmet that comes out for one play. Removing the foot from football is ridiculous, almost as ridiculous as watching a kicker try to pick up a fumbled snap and attempt to throw it for a touchdown.

Good luck and go USA,

***Editor's note: While we in no way endorse gambling, please use caution in basing bets on Hiro's picks. Hiro is clearly out of touch with reality and has questionable recreational practices.***

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


26 September, 2005 (Burundi): Zoologists and anthropologists alike are stunned by a recent discovery in the dense jungles of the Cankuzo region of Burundi. Late last month residents of the region had reported gunfire deep in the jungles near the Tanzanian border. This region has been ravaged by violent conflicts between rival ethnic groups and violent armed gangs for years so it was no surprise to authorities when they learned of a possible training camp hidden in the jungle. The UN operation in Burundi, the ONUB, was quick to dispatch a reconnaissance team. Upon reaching the jungle region the group immediately took on fire. After a short gunfight with hidden assailants lurking behind the trees the UN forces secured the area.
It was after the unit secured the jungle area that they made a shocking discovery: no human bodies were found. Lying next to the still smoking weapons were not militants but a troop of mountain gorillas. After an intensive search it became clear that no militants were in the area and the weapons had been discharged by the gorillas.
Shocked by this discovery, the UN immediately sent for UN scientists and local zoologists and anthropologists. After a search of the surrounding jungle several clues were found. Explorers on scence found what looked to be a cache of German small arms most likely hidden during World War II by German troops fleeing an allied advance. Much of the ammo had been depleted. Also found near the sight was a crashed Cessa loaded with small arms most likely intended to be delivered to local warlords. The conclusion drawn by local researchers is that the troop of gorillas had been in contact with weapons for close to 60 years and that over the past three generations had learned to use them. Researchers are baffled by the gorilla's proficiency with the weapons but believe that they might have been in close contact with human combat and observed how to operate firearms.
American zoologist and gorilla expert Chuck Ng is not too shocked with the findings. "Gorillas can be as smart as a human child," Ng said, "and if kids can watch TV and figure out how to shoot up their school, it is not beyond belief that these magnificent creatures could emulate a human."

Monday, September 26, 2005


Russian astrologer Marina Bai is suing NASA for damages claiming that they ruined her career and reputation[see story]. Marina claims that the Deep Impact satellite that was sent by the space agency to collide with the Tempel-1 comet last July disrupted the astrological plane interfering with her predictions. She said at the time of the experiment: "It is obvious that elements of the comet's orbit, and correspondingly the ephemeris, a table which lists the positions of celestial bodies, will change after the explosion, which interferes with my astrology work and distorts my horoscope."
In a related story, I will be filing suit against the National Football League, the New York Jets, and several race horses for years of blowing my predictions and costing me money in the process.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hurricanes an Al Qaida Plot?

As America braces for yet another massive hurricane assault it is hard to not wonder, "Why would the greatest nation on Earth be punished by the God that loves this country so well?" I pondered this question for some time until I came to the only logical conclusion: God's not sending these hurricanes, our enemies are.
But how is this possible you might ask? To answer this let's first look at how hurricanes form. Wikipedia describes the conditions neccessary for a hurricane to form and says that one such condition are "tropical waves," or easterly waves, which are westward moving areas of convergent winds. This convergence frequently assists in the development of thunderstorms, which can develop into tropical cyclones. The majority of tropical cyclones form from these. A similar phenomenon to tropical waves are West African disturbance lines, which are squally lines of convection that form over Africa and move into the Atlantic. Hmmm, West Africa? These storms are coming from abroad and suspiciously close to Al Qaeda hot spots.
"But Hiro," you ask, "does this mean that Al Qaeda is behind these deadly storms?" Indeed it might. Weather control devices may not be a flight of fancy at all. On Oct. 2, 1992, The Wall Street Journal reported that a Russian company, Elate Intelligent Technologies, Inc., has weather control equipment for sale and uses the advertising slogan of “weather made to order.” In fact, author Sydney Sheldon believes that "two superpowers have the ability to control weather around the world: the United States and Russia. Other countries, probably China and North Korea, are working feverishly to catch up." Next we must ask, "but how do Islamic terrorists come into the picture?"
The answer to this question invloves a stunning connection that many have snoozed on. Islamic fundamentalist movements are working in conjunction with International Communism! The links are all there. As far back as 1978 the connections were being seen. [International Terrorism: The Communist Connection Revisited ] Evidence points to Soviet links to the PLO, Red China links to fundamentalists in Iran, and most recently Communist North Korea has been distributing arms to Yemen and other rogue states. [How Al Qaeda seeks to buy Chinese arms, U.S. lets Scud ship sail to Yemen]
Could international terrorism be a communist plot to overthrow the United States? Most likely. Could the communist governments of Red China and North Korea be using Russian technology to build hurricanes for Al Qaeda? Obviously.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

America! Posted by Picasa
Posted by Picasa

Under Construction.

Libertarian rants to be expected sometime soon.