Friday, October 28, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

The fix is in!  Looks like not much has changed since 1919; a global flu epidemic is threatening mankind and the White Sox are fixing World Series games.  This year’s Series [and possibly last year’s] is clearly the result of a conspiracy to divert attention from the steroid scandal and struggling ratings.  Major League Baseball in conjunction with the Chicago mob clearly paid off the umps and possibly Astro reliever Ezequiel Astacio.  Look no further than the bad call in game 2 when Wheeler’s pitch allegedly hit White Sox hitter Jermaine Dye while the video shows the ball clearly hit the bat, not Dye.  That shitty call set up Paul Konerko's grand slam!  What are the odds that two cursed Sox teams sweep consecutive World Series?  A Vietnamese fisherman without a nose can tell that something stinks here.  
Major League Baseball has been on a steady decline in recent years and now they’re desperate for ratings.  The steroids scandal and the league’s ineffectiveness on the issue have dominated baseball headlines for a couple years now and the league needs good stories.  So what do they do?  They conspire with the Illuminati to fix the World Series for the Red Sox and then they team up with the Chicago mob to fix it for the White Sox.  Unfortunately for us loyal Astros fans in the Great State of Texas, the elitist, East Coast, liberal media outfits are quick to jump on the Sox bandwagons and make them their media darlings.  Is it any coincidence that Bush 41 happens to be an Astro’s fan and Texas and Missouri happen to be red states?  Clearly, a cabal between the liberal media, MLB, the Illuminati [possibly reptile people] and the Chicago mob are fixing these games.  Not to worry, this story will be broken wide open by the bastion of investigative journalism, the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath.

In other news,

My football picks were so terrible that any further discussion of them would only serve to shame my family.  This week I’m hoping to turn it around.  Helping me turning it around is the fact that I don’t have to count the Jets this week; they have a bye.  The Lions and their new front man, San Francisco socialite Jeff Garcia, should upend the Bears in that tough NFC North.  The Texans will finally come up with a win against the Brownies.  America’s last surviving Spanish American War vet and Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs will test his hated Redskins against the New York Football Giants in a crucial NFC East game and win.  The once and future NFC East champion Dallas Cowboys will defeat the New Look Cardinals in a blow out.  Hopefully, the Anti-Catholic, Free Mason led conspiracy that has been fixing Saints games will give them a break this week and they’ll beat the Dolphins.  Well, that’s all for this week, hopefully my prognosticating powers will return next week.

Good luck and go USA,

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


25 October, 2005 (Scottsdale, Arizona): An Arizona man is dead today after what appears to have been a botched rescue attempt. Local sporting goods retailer and tattoo enthusiast Jacob Krebs, 26, was found dead in a parking lot early Tuesday morning. According to eye witness and mugging victim Harriet Mann, Krebs was shot late Monday night as he attempted to rescue Mann from a mugging.
Mann described what happened in a statement from her hospital bed where she is recovering from injuries sustained during the incident. "I was heading to my car late after work when this man in a mask came out from the dark," Mann said, "he told me to give him all my money or he'd shoot me." Mann went on to say that as the man reached for his gun a second masked man leaped down from a near by rooftop. "This man come leapin' off this roof like some kinda ninja man and hit his ankle hard and took a spill." The second man was Jacob Krebs.
Krebs' body was found dressed in a ninja style outfit with some body armor. The outfit apparently had a reptile theme that matched tattoos on Krebs' arms. Krebs was armed with several darts with rat poison on the tips and a police baton.
Krebs suffered a broken ankle from the aerobatic leap off the rooftop. Mann went on to say that, "after that guy jumped off that roof and hurt himself that mugger just laughed and laughed." Amused by the would be hero's leap, the mugger proceeded to shoot Krebs once in the forehead and then put the fatal shot into his throat.
Unfortunately for Mann, as her would be rescuer lay dead on the pavement the mugger proceeded to shoot her in the leg and then beat her relentlessly and steal her purse. This appeared to be Krebs' first attempt at crime fighting. No witnesses in the Scottsdale area have recently reported a reptile like ninja saving their lives or preventing crime; nor have any criminals recently been captured or detained by a masked vigilante. Scottsdale officials are urging people not to take justice into their own hands. The mugger has yet to be captured.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

Well, well, well; looks like I'm not so crazy and stupid after all. As the four people who read this blog might already know, I predicted back at the beginning of the playoffs that the World Series would be between the Astros and White Sox. So, football picks not withstanding, it appears I can see the future. At the time I also said the World Series would go seven games. After the Astros performance in the NLCS I'm not sure if they will go seven, five or six seems more likely. Either way, I'm sticking with Houston to win it all.
Moving to the NFL, my picks didn't do so well this past weekend. I'm 5-5 on the year (that's .500!). The officials robbed me and New Orleans of a win over the Falcons. The Jets stumbled, but they'll be back this week. The Cowboys are looking good, they're #1 in the NFC East and have got their eyes on the prize. I'm still calling a Jets-Cowboys Super Bowl, but lightning probably won't strike twice and I'll likely miss that prediction. Colts-Cowboys seems somewhat likely; it would be a rematch of Super Bowl V where the Colts beat the Cowboys by a last second field goal.
This week I'm going to keep doing what I do every week, I'm picking Dallas and New York to both win their games. Dallas' D should shut down the mighty Seattle offense. The Jets will shock the world Monday night against Atlanta. I like San Diego to beat the Eagles and Oakland to beat Buffalo. Finally, 0-5 Houston is taking on 6-0 Indianapolis. How can I resist? I'm calling Houston to pull off the upset of the year. Houston is a city of dreams this year and I'm getting in on the ground floor on this miracle.

Good luck and go USA,

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


18 OCTOBER, 2005 (Elwood, Indiana): Doris Rosenthal and her nine-year-old daughter Rachel Rosenthal were horrified by a disturbing discovery they made upon returning Monday afternoon. Rachel opened the door to their suburban home to find the family cat, Buckley, lying motionless on the floor, bent in half. Doris quickly called the local ASPCA authorities. After an extensive investigation it was ruled that the culprit was most likely the family's domestic robot, the UNTVL VI. Investigators found no signs of forced entry and concluded that only the robot was with the cat. Contributing to this conclusion was the fact that only a robot could mangle the cat in such a fashion.
The Rosenthal family purchased the UNTVL VI for $45,000 from an online Japanese company. The UNTVL VI domestic robot is a semi-android that can be programmed to perform various household chores. This particular UNTVL VI was set to pick up children's toys and do other various cleaning functions automatically while the family was away.
No one is sure what drove the android to kill the cat. Some have speculated that the cat might have been mistaken for a toy. However, had that been the case the cat would have more likely been discovered neatly put away with the children's toys. One ASPCA officer discovered claw marks on the android suggesting that the cat had used the domestic servant for a scratching post for some time. Perhaps the android felt threatened or had simply had enough.
Artificial intelligence behavior expert Dr. Tim Asimov is baffled by this event. Dr. Asimov is quick to dismiss claims that the android was angered by the cat. "No robot built today has the capacity to feel anger, they only do what they are programmed to do." said Dr Asimov. Asimov blames faulty programming but went on to suggest that maybe someone in the family with malice towards the cat programmed the android to do the deed. The dog has not been questioned.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

After this past week in football, all the talk was about a certain Jets quarterback that was thought to be done. If I recall, I do believe this news outlet had that story three days in advance. Yes, it was a good week for my picks. The two games I got wrong were each decided by last second field goals, but I suppose close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and thermonuclear bombs. The Falcons might have won if Vick had played; but if the Queen had balls she be King. In baseball, I stand by my Astros/Sox World Series. Let's not forget I made that call before the NLDS and ALDS had been decided.
Since showing off is bad Karma, I'll move on. This week my five picks are as follows: Since the Falcons let me down I'm picking the Saints to upset them in the Great State of Texas. Tampa will go on a two game skid and fall to the Dolphins. Vinny and the Jets should keep it rolling against the Bills. Dallas will come up with a big win against the Giants and continue on their path to the Super Bowl match against the Jets. Finally, I still hate the Patriots so I expect them to lose against the surprisingly 4-1 Broncos.
In other great sports news, ESPN is reporting that the 1994 beat-down of Nancy Kerrigan by Harding backed goons will be made into an opera. [Harding-Kerrigan saga becomes opera]This insane story has led me to begin work on my own thrilling sports opera: "He Did What?!?: The Leon Lett Story." This will be a truly great opera that will tell the tale of how a key piece of one of the greatest defenses of all time let himself and the county down not once, but two times earning himself the nickname "Leon Lett-down." As you may recall, during the closing minutes of Super Bowl XXVII Leon Lett came up with a fumble and ran it all the way back but fumbled the ball just short of the end-zone when he extended the ball in celebration only to have it knocked out of his hand. A second "Lett-down" came in a Thanksgiving Day game against Miami where he botched a blocked field goal costing America's Team the game. Lett's story is a story of perseverance and the cruelty of Karma.
The opera itself will be a rock opera most likely. I'm going to be drawing on Queen and the Who for inspiration. Expect it in a theatre near you sometime around summer 2015.

Good luck and Go USA,

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


10 October, 2005 (Tokyo): With gas prices skyrocketing worldwide and oil reserves dwindling, several corporations are desperately seeking to find a renewable energy source to replace petroleum. The Ghidra Corporation of Japan believes it has discovered a solution for the world's energy woes. This week, CEO Jiro Mizutani unveiled a new plan that he says "will cover Japan's energy needs for centuries to come." What makes this new plan so shocking is that it uses the oldest commercial oil known to man: whale oil.
Pending governmental approval, the Ghirda Corporation intends to build large containment nets in the Sea of Japan in order to breed "farm raised" whales. Chief engineer on the project, Katsuhiro Noma, compares the proposed apparatus to large scale fish farms and believes that several hundred whales can be bred within 5 years. Also contributing to the project is one of Japan's leading authorities on bio-engineering, Susumu Otomo. Otomo has developed plans to clone whales for faster reproduction and genetically modifying the whales to yield more oil.
Whale oil was the first animal or mineral oil to be sold commercially and has been historically used for everything from soap production to lamp oil. Using new technology, the Ghidra Corp. believes that it can modify the oil into anything from motor oil to rocket fuel. CEO Mizutani maintains that his company's whale farms will produce enough oil in the next 15 years to cover 35 percent of the Japan's oil needs.
PETA and other animal rights groups have yet to comment, but lawyers from Ghidra Corp. claim that the farm raising nature of the project excludes them from whaling laws.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

What do you get when you're quarter back is a Heisman trophy winner, former number one draft pick, number eight of all-time in touchdowns, number six in completions, and number six of all-time in yards? A super bowl victory, obviously. Obviously. Well, maybe not when that number one pick came in 1987 and you're also the number five interception leader of all-time. Of course, I'm talking about the legendary Vinny Testaverde who will get his first start as Jet in two years this week against the team that picked him first, undefeated Tampa Bay.
While the Jets, who haven't scored a touchdown since Pennington went down, are most likely done for the season, one can't help but root for Vinny and the Jets. This leads me to my personal pick for the best possible super bowl outcome: Jets vs. Cowboys. The story line is too perfect. In a desperate last shot at glory, the aged Testaverde carries the banged up Jets on wing and a prayer to Super Bowl XL only to meet the team that released him, the Dallas Cowboys. The same Cowboys that are led by former Jets coach Bill Parcells. This match up would also pit former Jet Keyshawn Johnson against his old team. Further making this a compelling story is the fact that Vinny was dumped by the Cowboys for another QB that's running out of gas, Drew Bledsoe. Yes, it would be Dinosaur Bowl I as these two legends of mediocrity square off in a Super Bowl that would go largely unwatched by the American public, but highly praised by this fan. This dream super bowl of mine would be topped off with a stunning victory by the Jets and an MVP for Vinny. Soon, all the country would become captivated with this tail of how the team that no one thought had a chance was led by a hero that no one believed had any game left in him. All of this success would culminate with Time magazine naming Vinny Testaverde Time's Man of the Year.
While that dream seems unlikely another dream of mine is much closer to becoming reality. The Houston Astros are just steps away from reaching the World Series. Although the Astros have never reached the World Series in their 40 years of existence no one is ready to call it a curse, unlike those whiney babies in Chicago and Boston. Curses aren't real, shitty players are. Is anyone as sick of the Red Sox as I am? Why is winning a World Series every 86 years such a big deal? But the Astros are moving on up and will hopefully play another "cursed" team, the Chicago White Sox. That's my prediction for this year: Sox and 'Stros. Astros take it in seven.
This week in the NFL there are several exciting match ups. I'm predicting upsets in Dallas and New York as both these teams begin their rise to the Big One with victories over Philly and Tampa, respectively. I see San Diego over Pittsburgh and Atlanta over New England as the Patriots drop to 2-3. In my fifth and final pick I'm taking Detroit to get their act together against Baltimore. Well, all these picks seem solid.
Finally, ESPN columnist and TV personality Skip Bayless recently commented that football could be improved by eliminating kicking altogether. No more field goals? I'm totally against this. One of the most interesting parts of a game is watching four quarters of rough, violent football only to have the game decided at the last minute by a small foreigner with a funny name and a one-bar helmet that comes out for one play. Removing the foot from football is ridiculous, almost as ridiculous as watching a kicker try to pick up a fumbled snap and attempt to throw it for a touchdown.

Good luck and go USA,

***Editor's note: While we in no way endorse gambling, please use caution in basing bets on Hiro's picks. Hiro is clearly out of touch with reality and has questionable recreational practices.***