Wednesday, November 30, 2005

We Can Be Heroes
an editorial

Number two in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

You know Washington, Jefferson, Franklin and Adams; but do you recall the most infamous founding father of them all? Aaron Burr is the most compelling figure in ealry American history, in my humble opinion. As we all learned from a milk commercial in the 1990s, Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel. But Burr was much more than a murderer, he was also the most interesting Vice President in American history.
Long before his infamous duel, Burr was a war hero in the Revolution. Before the Battle of Quebec, Burr disguised himself as a Catholic Priest to sneak across British lines and into Montreal. Later in the war, Burr was said to have saved an entire brigade from capture. Ironically, Hamilton was an officer in that very brigade.
Burr made a name for him in politics and became Vice President after losing to Jefferson in an election that was decided by the House of Representatives after a tie in the Electoral College. After becoming VP, Aaron Burr seemingly slipped into madness; possibly as a result of a stroke he suffered during the war from which he never fully recovered.
It was during his term as VP that the famous duel with Hamilton took place. Hamilton had been talking jive all over town about Burr. Some alleged that Hamilton accused Burr of sleeping with his own daughter. Deeply insulted, Burr demanded that Hamilton take back all insults against his character. When Hamilton refused, Burr decided to man up and challenge Hamilton to a duel under the formal
On the day of the duel, Hamilton decided that he wouldn't fire. Burr obviously didn't. As planned, Hamilton never fired but Burr shot him anyway, fatally damaging his liver. When Burr learned that Hamilton never planned to fire he was quoted as saying, "Contemptable, if true."
After the incident, Burr was charged with murder in New York and New Jersey but was never tried. He fled to South Carolina but returned to Washington D.C. to finish his term as Vice President. Nobody seemed to mind that the Vice President had murdered the former Secretary of Treasury and business went on as usual. Oddly enough, Burr was not asked to serve a second term.
This may seem dry and boring, but consider how insane this would be if it happened today. Imagine if Dick Cheney shot and killed former Secretary of Treasury Robert Rubin and then went right back to work without being tried; what would the media say? But Aaron Burr wouldn't stop with murder, he moved on to treason.
Out of power, broke, and exiled from his home state of New Jersey; Burr went west and got involved in some risky business. Exactly what treasonous scheme he was planning is still uncertain but some claim he was conspiring with a U.S. General on the take with the Spanish to build a new nation in the south and in Texas. Burr purchased large tracts of land in the southern territories of the U.S. and worked with land owners and foreigners to allegedly build a Latin American Empire to rival the United States.
President Jefferson issued a proclamation for Burr's arrest on the charge of treason. Taking the high road, Burr turned himself in to authorities. After an apparent change of heart, Burr jumped bail and fled for Spanish Florida but was captured in Alabama. But the man couldn't keep Burr down; he was acquitted twice on technicalities.
Imagine, once again, our Vice President trying to pull this off. Could he leave office, finance a coup, and then be acquitted? Well, that one may not be so far fetched.
Burr continued his scheming well into old age. At the age of 77, he married a rich widow but after four months, when found out that she wouldn't be inheriting as much as he had anticipated, he left her. On the month of their first anniversary, Burr's wife sued him for divorce. The divorce was granted on the day of Burr's death and in a cruel, ironic twist of fate, Burr was served his divorce papers on his death bed by none other than the son of Alexander Hamilton. A bitter end to a life dedicated to infamy.
Aaron Burr, to me, is an American original. He takes me back to a simpler time when politicians were respected men in the community and could do wrong; a time before corruption and partisan politics destroyed our trust in government. So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

We Can Be Heroes
An editorial

This is the first in a series of editorials discussing real-life and fictional characters that I find important.

Looking back on early childhood, my first heroes were the Ghostbusters. They wore cool suits, swore, smoked, and shot fire rays at funny ghosts that ate Cheetos. Of all the Ghostbusters, my hero has to be Egon Spengler. Widely regarded as the brainy Ghostbuster, few realize that Egon was in fact the ballsiest, craziest member of the team. Why you ask? For the answer to that question let's begin by looking at E=mc^2.
According to E=mc^2, energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. Now, if you take one's mass and multiply it by the speed of light squared [8.98755179 x 1016 m^2 / s^2], which is a lot, you come up with the amount of energy one would give off if their atoms were converted into energy. An average sized human would wipe out North America if they were able to convert their mass into energy.
Now back to Egon. Early in the film, Egon warns Venkman and Stanz not to cross the streams. "Imagine," he said, "all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." Essentially, crossing the streams would convert one's mass into energy, thus wiping out the country.
Later, when confronted by Zuul, Egon suggests crossing the streams in order to send Zuul back to her dimension. Egon says of the plan, "There's definitely a very slim chance we'll survive." Being a scientist, he must have known the consequences of having one's molecules explode at the speed of light. Egon put the lives of everyone on the planet in jeopardy to defeat Zuul, which makes him by far the most insane Ghostbuster. He knew that it was us or her; he'd take her out or blow everything up trying.
Egon Spengler represents the type of bold men of action that served as role model that young Americans desperately needed in the 1980s. I hope that this has somehow changed the way you think about Egon Spengler, if you think about him at all.

Next Time
: Aaron Burr

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


21 November, 2005 (Boise, Idaho): Two would-be thieves are in police custody today after their attempted robbery of the Boise Museum of Art was foiled by an allegedly drunken security guard armed with a make-shift Molotov cocktail. Brian Fitzpatrick, the night security guard, was allegedly intoxicated at his post late Sunday night when he noticed his video surveillance screens had gone out. As Fitzpatrick left the security center to patrol the museum, he saw two men
making-off with an undisclosed amount of paintings.
Unable to catch the burglars in the museum, Fitzpatrick ran outside only to find the bandits escaping in a getaway car. Reacting quickly, despite his inebriated state, the night watchman reached for his bottle of John Jameson & Son Irish Whiskey, his handkerchief and his lighter and hurled a Molotov cocktail at the getaway car. The cocktail exploded as it slammed into the driver-side window, stunning the driver. The suspected thief then lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a parked car. After the crash, Fitzpatrick approached the vehicle, pistol drawn, and apprehended both suspects.
Police arrived later to take the suspected burglars into custody and file a report on the incident. A spokesperson for the museum said they were happy the art was returned undamaged and that the robbery was stopped but stopped short of congratulating Mr. Fitzpatrick.
The museum denounced the actions of Fitzpatrick and has placed him on paid suspension until an investigation into the incident is complete. This is not the first time the guard has been reprimanded by the museum; Fitzpatrick was cited in 2003 for sleeping on the job while allegedly drunk.

Friday, November 18, 2005

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

As the fourth quarter came to a close in Monday night's Dallas-Philadelphia matchup I thought to myself it was time to get out of the football picks business. Four out of five of my picks went the wrong way over the weekend and I was facing my first 0-5 week ever. But that all changed thanks to the demigod-like talent of Dallas safety Roy Williams. His interception helped the Cowboys and me pull out a last second victory. Dallas once again proved that they are America's team and, like America, will always prevail in the face of evil, especially the evil that is the Philadelphia Eagles. However, like America, the Cowboys probably peaked in the 1990s.
The game to watch this week is definitely Dallas vs. Detroit. Roy Williams vs. Roy Williams. Last year Detroit's Roy got the injury bug and America was deprived of the match up, but this year it should be worth the watch. Roy Williams (Dallas) is coming off a game winning INT, while Odessa, Texas' own Roy Williams caught three touchdown passes, a career high. I'm conflicted on this game, but I'm going with Dallas. I do expect Roy to have a good day, maybe a TD or two, but he can't do everything for Detroit and Dallas is the better overall team. And let's not forget, they're going to be in the Super Bowl.
In other NFL action, the Bucs are going to Atlanta this week and although Tampa has historically had Vick's number, I'm going with the Falcons. Clearly, the only reason the Falcons lost Green Bay was because they were looking past the Packers to the Tampa game; now that game is here. The Jets will shock the world with an upset over Denver. Although the trendy pick Cinncy over Indy, I don't see it. The Colts will lose this year, but it'll be against a team no one sees coming like Jaguars or the Titans. Finally, Houston looks like they're ready for a win and Kansas City looks like they're ready for a loss; Texans over Chiefs.

Good luck and go USA,

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


14 November, 2005 (Laughlin, Nevada) The smoldering remains of what once was a living tribute to Elvis Presley were found just yards away from the entrance to the casino where the faux King of Rock 'n' Roll once worked. Henry Muskie, 37, was the only victim of this beyond freak accident. While very little damage was inflicted on the parking lot, Muskie's remains were virtually liquefied. Investigators on the scene were only able to recover Muskie's arms and a few teeth.
As Muskie left work early Monday morning, a fireball about the size of a watermelon crashed to Earth killing the entertainer. Security cameras confirmed this to be the first fatality in the United States caused by a celestial object falling to Earth. Only one person witnessed the historic, yet deadly event. Security guard Leroy Jenkins said he saw a streak of fire shoot down from the sky at an incredible speed and land right on Muskie as he left the casino. "All of the sudden I heard this loud roaring sound and looked out to see a fireball kill Elvis," said Jenkins.
Scientists estimate the odds of being struck by a meteorite at 10 trillion to one. This was not the first time Muskie defied the odds. Over the weekend, Muskie won $12,000 in a poker tournament after being dealt a royal flush. The odds on a royal flush are 649,750 to 1.

Friday, November 11, 2005


10 November, 2005 (Moscow, Russia): Moscow residents are stunned today after a daring, daylight attack on the Lenin Mausoleum left four policemen dead and the corpse of the former Soviet leader missing. Hard-line Communists have been up in arms about the recently proposed removal of their beloved deceased dictator and now the debate takes a new turn as the whereabouts of the mummified body is unknown.
A communist separatist group calling themselves the Red Army Liberation Front (RALF) claimed responsibility for the raid in a taped statement delivered to the media. The RALF said it plans to resurrect the fallen leader so that Lenin may usher in a new era of Soviet rule. The tape made no mention of how the group will wake Lenin from his 81 year sleep but assured viewers that a communist revolution is at hand.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


9 November, 2005 (Comstock, TX): Police and ASPCA officials are investigating allegations of animal abuse after a retired priest performed an exorcism on his cat, Gerald. Former Catholic priest, Anthony DiLuglio, 78, claims his cat had become possessed by the devil in recent weeks and needed the controversial procedure.
Police arrived at DiLuglio's residence early Monday morning after receiving reports of strange noises coming from the house. Neighbors called police after becoming concerned for the health of Mr. DiLuglio's cat. One neighbor, who chose to remain anonymous, said the cat appeared to be malnourished.
Father DiLuglio claimed that the cat had contracted a demon. DiLuglio told police that the cat had refused to eat for close to a month and exhibited bizarre behavior. "That cat damn near killed my dog," DiLuglio said, "He might have killed me if I hadn't done something." The retired priest went on to claim that the cat killed all 6 of his fish, blinded his dog in a vicious attack, raised a mouse from the dead, and walked on the ceiling on multiple occasions. "I seen that cat playing with a dead mouse I'd killed with a trap and then all of the sudden that mouse was running around with that Lucifer cat."
Fearing for his life, Father DiLuglio turned to a controversial practice, the exorcism. "In all my years I'd never seen a possession, but I knew this was the Devil." DiLuglio allegedly tied the cat down and performed the ritual on the feline for close to six hours. When police arrived on the scene they found an exhausted DiLuglio and a passed out cat. The cat was malnourished but showed no signs of abuse. DiLuglio was arrested on charges of criminal neglect. The cat has been taken to a local ASPCA shelter where it will be treated and eventually adopted or euthanized.

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

The Cowboys were off last week and so was I, but I'm back with my outrageous picks. The Boys will face the beleaguered Eagles on a Monday night match that should be worth watching. As always I'll be taking the Cowboys in this one. The Eagles are struggling, coming up just short of a Super Bowl trophy so many years in a row has taken its toll on McNabb and company. T.O. may never play in Philly again; and based on his attitude, he may not play anywhere ever again. The Eagles are finished and it's a good day to be a Cowboys fan.
Brooks Bollinger is the new star in New York. Quarterback and AARP spokesman, Vinny Testeverde went out last week, totally blowing my predictions about his future and leaving Bollinger in charge of the sinking ship that is the New York Jets. Bollinger seems like a good fit for NY. Not only did Bollinger have a few impressive drives last week but he also passed Chad Pennington as the quarterback with the whitest name in the NFL. Don't snooze on Bolly, though, he had some impressive rushing stats at Wisconsin and is probably the best scrambling qb on the Jet's depth chart. Expect the Jets to beat Carolina in an upset that will make Bollinger the hot topic of the week. In other games, I'm once again picking Houston to upset Indy, it's just too perfect. Manning and the Colts are still celebrating the win in Foxboro and will snooze on the Texans. I see the Brownies upsetting Pittsburgh on national TV, Sunday night. Finally, Atlanta will take down the beat-up Packers as Favre continues to tear up the record books on his quest to be the most picked-off QB ever.
Moving away from football, the greatest quadrennial sporting event is only 90 days away; of course I'm referring to Olympic Hockey. I'm hoping our boys show those Canadians a thing or two about how to play hockey, they have no place in the sport. Who needs the NHL? International hockey is much more compelling.
Well, that's all I got on sports this week.

Good luck and go USA,

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

More Monkey Mayhem
a follow up

As first reported by this source several weeks ago, gorillas have grown increasingly intelligent and pose the greatest threat to global human supremacy. Shortly after this blog broke the hard-hitting, and absolutely real story about gorillas using guns, the liberal media began reporting a more p.c. story about gorillas and simple tool use. [Wild Gorillas Use Tools, Photos Reveal] Regardless of whether these apes are using sticks or assault rifles, gorilla intelligence is a menace to decent human society.
Still not convinced? More recently, gorillas have been reported as gaining access to the most dangerous weapon against civilization: reality TV. Reuters has reported that gorillas will soon star in their own reality show on Czech public television. [New reality show with gorillas]
The east-coast, liberal intelligentsia would have you believe that animals are our cuddly friends complete with personalities, feelings, and souls. However, in the wake of endless shark, bee, bear and bobcat attacks and the growing intelligence of gorillas it has become easy to see what our ancestors have known for many millennia, animals are to be feared, eaten, and worn. As gorillas begin to question their role as the number two primate on the planet they could grow subversive to our American way of life. Should they ever decide to rise up against their more successful primate cousin we will be no match for their massive ape strength. Well, in all honesty, only a couple zookeepers would be mauled before the gorillas are shot to death by zoo security; but are we willing to risk one human life?
You can help win the war for human existence by contacting your local butcher shop or deli. Don't be fooled by the ultra-hip, vegetarian elite that plague our college campuses, they are only weakening our species with their meat substitutes. When the animal revolution comes mankind may be too anemic and weak to fend off the waves of bees and gorillas.