Sunday, March 30, 2008

STRRRIIIIIIIIKE TWO: Not to be outdone by writers, CA nurses go on strike

In the latest chapter of the storied nurse vs. writer rivalry, the Northern California Nurses Union, commonly known as the NCNU, has staged a strike merely a month and a week after the resolution of the Writer's Guild of America Strike that took place in Los Angeles. The “spin-off” strike began on March 21st and is expected to be at least partially resolved when nurses return to work on Monday. Over 4,000 registered nurses took to picket lines all over the Bay Area in hopes of keeping up with the writers.

“When we saw what kind of a deal the writers got after their strike, we decided it was our turn,” said Betty Long, an officer in the NCNU, “we felt like we could get a similar deal, since we actually face a lot of the same issues they did. Like them we also want a percentage of medical advising broadcast through the internet. We also want to increase our share in instructional hospital DVDs. One issue we face that they did not however is our demand that doctors quit calling us ‘Toots’ and stop whistling and snapping when they want our attention.”

Despite the significant demonstrations, the strike has yet to make national news. Andrea Green, vice-chairwoman of the NCNU who is growing out a strike-stache, resents the lack of attention the nurse’s strike has received compared to the writer’s strike. “When the writers went on strike, all the talk shows went off the air, production of movies and television programs virtually came to a stop, and the internet was buzzing with chatter. And when the late night shows finally did come back, all they talked about was the strike. Where‘s our support, where’s our attention? We‘re tired of playing second fiddle to a bunch poindexters who never get laid and aren’t as funny as they think they are, just like those three lowlifes at www.orgivem******.com. Our work is hard and no one appreciates it. We clean out bedpans for goodness sake, meanwhile writers take crap and broadcast it, usually featuring Jimmy Kimmel.”

Many hospital employees, especially doctors, feel it is time for the nurse's strike to come to an end. “Those lazy broads need to get their blubbery asses back to work and quit their bitching and moaning,” says Dr. Jerome Grey of St. Andrew’s Hospital in West San Francisco, “Me and the other doctors were saying during our poker game last night that we want to strike in protest of these skirts gossiping around the Foley catheter disposal all day instead of doing their damn jobs. How the hell are these sluts going to go on strike? Half of them just play with the sick kids in the ward all the time and flirt with terminally ill old men. I‘ll tell you what, in my eyes, these so-called "medical professionals" are just glorified hookers in little white dresses and cutesy hats with red crosses. Yep, in my book, the hierarchy goes prostitutes, strippers, waitresses, and then nurses.”

Not all opinions are as drastic as Dr. Grey’s. Some hospital non-striking staff are supportive of the strike, such as Alan Garrington, the chief administrator of San Francisco Memorial, “This strike is pointless. It‘s accomplishes nothing and has had a very negative impact on the community,” Garrington said. “For example, my precious little niece Trudy was visiting from Oklahoma. She broke her arm while attempting a very challenging and dangerous waterboarding stunt in my pool, so I rushed her to the hospital only to be met with a bunch of striking, pissed-off nurses. I had to take her all the way to Oakland to be treated. Luckily, I’m fluent in ebonics and have a “Bell for U.S. Furor” bumper sticker on my hoopty so no one gave us any trouble.”

This marks the third strike in NCNU’s history. The first time was on July 10, 1960, exactly one month after the writer’s strike of 1960. The result of this strike was a increase in the minimum wage for nurses as well as residuals for “re-runs” or medical tasks that nurses have perform multiple times. The second began October 21, 1988 two months and two days after the 1988 writer’s strike was resolved. For some unexplained reason, the nurse strike blamed along with the writer's strike by critics for the first Batman movie sucking so hard.

Green denies any correlation between WGA strikes and NCNU strikes, “Look, industries go on strike all the time,” she said, rather defensively, “just because we just so happen to have gone on strike soon after they do three times doesn‘t mean we‘re doing it because they do. These issues are floating around, building up for years, and finally one day we've all had enough and go on strike. Maybe it's a comment by some 1st year resident about how he was hoping for some sexy nurses, or a patient makes a wise crack about how bland hospital food is. Unlike plot twists in most TV shows and movies, nurse strikes cannot be predicted.”

Despite the tension and financial loss over the strike, both sides are looking to have the matter resolved quickly. As one nurse on the picket line put it, "We've spent a lot of time out and here, made a lot of sacrifices and we're all just hoping for a Hollywood ending."

Hot damn, that was corny.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Taiwan

U.S. Mistakenly Ships Nuke Missile Parts to Taiwan

The Pentagon has admitted that it accidentally shipped parts from an intercontinental ballistic nuclear missile to Taiwan in 2006. Four fuses used in the triggering mechanism of a Minuteman strategic nuclear missile were shipped to Taiwanese officials instead of the helicopter batteries they had ordered. The mistake was not caught until last week. The Department of Defense has since recovered the parts.
Sino-American relations have been tense over the years largely due to U.S. political and military support of Taiwan. At an impromptu press conference Tuesday, Ryan Henry, the No. 2 policy official in Defense Secretary Robert Gates' office, said they were doing everything they could to ensure that this mistake would not damage relations further.
Top Pentagon officials and President Bush met with Chinese ambassador Zhou Wenzhong over the weekend to discuss the issue. It was reported that during the meeting President Bush phoned Chinese President Hu Jintao and with ambassador Zhou Wenzhong translating, personally alerted him to the situation. has obtained a transcript through an anonymous source at the White House and present it below:
Bush: Hello, China?
Zhou: You are speaking with President Hu Jintao.
Bush: uh, right...listen China, it's George Bush calling you, President of the United States. You might hear some crazy things about us shipping parts of an atomic rocket to Taiwan and I just wanted to assure you that every thing's totally cool.
Jintao: [indecipherable angry Chinese]
Bush: What's he saying?
Zhou: Is this some kind of joke?!?
Bush: No, seriously, I don't get Chinese, is he mad?
Zhou: No, that's what he said, he asked if you were joking.
Bush: Shit, this is confusing...ok, listen Jinty, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb? Well, we kinda shipped fuses for a nuclear warhead to Taiwan, but don't freak out, it was just parts of the thing that carries the bomb, no nuke stuff went out.
Jintao: [through Zhou] This is an outrage, are you giving missile technology to Taiwan?
Bush: No man, it's nothing like that, look, we just sent fuses, you know, like the little plastic thingies in your car, it's not like we sent engines or something. [To Zhou] Y'all got cars over there right? Not just bikes?
Jintao: [more angry Chinese]
Zhou: The president is confused and angry, he asks if the Taiwanese had them long enough to learn anything.
Bush: Hell, I don't know, I don't think so, they thought they were getting helicopter batteries or something. It took 'em like a year to figure out they weren't batteries, I seriously doubt they figured out what they were for.
[15 seconds of silence]

Bush: Let's not play the blame game now, it's not important who violated what international arms treaty or who's violating which human rights, the important thing is that we move on.
Zhou: The president is deeply concerned about the security of the American nuclear arsenal. He says he recalls seeing on CNN that your Air Force recently flew a nuke over your own country without knowing it. This troubles him.
Bush: Oh c'mon! I'll worry about that, you've got bigger problems to deal with now, that whole lama thing in Tibet, plus I hear the French are boycotting your olympics!
Zhou: The president says that having the French boycott your olympics is like having the chess club boycott your party.
Bush: Well I'm sure you have important Presidential things to attend to, it must be tough being a totalitarian leader in a one-party system; I don't envy you. Ah, who am I kidding, of course I do. I'll have my boys in the Pentagon shoot you an email with more details on this rocket ruckus and what we're doing about it. Again, I'm sorry.
Jintao: [more Chinese]
Bush: Okay, you too, catch Hu later...heh, heh, get it? Well, see you around the U.N. Condi, get Mr. Zhou a cab.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

"LOSING MY RELIGION": In light of Rev. Wright's sermons, Obama converts to Scientology

With the controversial comments
concerning the September 11th attacks and American race relations by his former pastor Jeremiah Wright still receiving media and public attention, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama announced he is leaving Trinity United Church of Christ and joining the Church of Scientology.

“As I‘ve said before, I had no idea Wright‘s views on the American government and racial politics were so extreme and hateful,” Obama said in a press conference on, oh, let’s say Thursday, “This whole troubling episode has given me great pause, not only to this man I once admired spiritually, but my entire belief system. After several days of intense inward reflection, I have felt the Almighty calling me in a new direction and am proud to announce I am formally converting to the Church of Scientology. It is with this new faith that I hope to grow closer to God, discover more about myself, and attract voters to my campaign.”

The news took many of even Obama’s closest supporters by surprise. “I’m shocked. I feel it is a very, very big mistake for him to do this,” said Obama’s campaign chairman David Plouffe, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “A lot of voters are going to be alienated, no pun intended. I mean, of all the trendy religious groups to join--kabbalism, Daoism, Rastafarianism, the cult of the Ron Paul Revolution--he picks scientology? Even heliolatry would have been a better move. I just hopes when he jumps up and down on the couch at the Democratic convention, he can recruit Quentin Tarantino to direct his comeback campaign.”

Chet Lawrence Whitney, a retired air conditioning supply salesman from Hobbs, New Mexico, who claims to “know a lot about people” says he predicted Obama would become a scientologist to friends and neighbors over a year ago. “It wasn’t too hard to figure out, if you really think about it,” he said. “For starters, Barack Obama ain‘t just good-looking, he‘s Hollywood-looking. And for him to be able to convince millions of people that there‘s hope for anything to change in America, well, he‘s obviously one hell of an actor. Yep saw it coming a mile away.”

Sen. Hillary Clinton, Sen. John McCain, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and singer Cyndi Lauper could not be reached for comment (I need to speak to Lauper for another, unrelated story...I‘m just really journalistically frustrated right now).

David Miscavige, the worldwide ecclesiastical leader of the Church of Scientology, addressed the news at a meeting of the Philadelphia congregation. “Of course we‘re pleased to welcome anyone into our faith, especially an individual of Barack Obama's stature,” he said, “But if the senator believes changing his religion is going to solve this problem, he is mistaken. The Wright controversy isn‘t about God, it‘s about people, our tendency to tear each other down and our reluctance to forgive each other. From the beginning of slavery to the end of the Civil Rights movement, blacks were mercilessly torn down, physically, mentally, and spiritually. But rather than turn the other cheek, religious and social leaders like Malcolm X, Louis Farrakan and now Jeremiah Wright chose to respond with more hatred. Now, both right wing pundits and Clinton supporters seek to use this controversy to generate hatred for Wright and Obama for their personal agendas. I‘m not necessarily saying Obama needs to be president, but for the good of the country, we must break the tradition of hatred and replace it with a tradition of forgiveness,” he said to applause.

Miscavige continued, “I think forgiving the past and committing to doing better in the future is the only way America can achieve the change Senator Obama hopes for. Thank you all for coming to this meeting, have a great week, and may we always be protected from the wrath of body thetans and the evil lord Xenu of the Galatic Confederacy. Nanoo, nanoo, live long and prosper.” fully acknowledges this article not to be our finest work. The editorial board merely sought to put up something timely and also to allow Mr. Inch one last opportunity to throw a jab at Ron Paul before the distinguished representative exits politics and begins his exciting new career as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Of Blogs & Bullies

From the Online Affairs Desk

Here at we strive for excellence in all we do and despite a nonexistent budget and a limited talent pool we've managed to bring you relevant satire, hard hitting news, and wire stories about prostitutes and wild animal attacks on a somewhat recurring basis for two-and-a-half years. But it turns out that my best efforts have been in vain. A new Harris poll has found that most Americans never read political blogs. According to the study, 56% of the 2,300 adults surveyed never read blogs that discuss politics and less than a quarter read them several times a year. The study also revealed interesting statistics about public perception of blogs. Harris found that almost half of regular blog readers believe blog information to be just as accurate as information in the main stream media and that three in ten believe it to be more accurate. I'm happy that 3 in 10 of our readers (which incidentally happens to be three readers) believe us to be more accurate than the actual news, but c'mon, only half of you believe that a midget Hitler is running against a Clinton/McCain ticket or that moonlight is more cancerous than sunlight?
Harris believes that many Americans have turned back to television for their election news and that the novelty of blogs may have passed. I've been skeptical of the internet's staying power for sometime and this only lends credence to my pessimism. If the novelty of personal weblogs fades, how long it will it be before the entire idea of a world wide web of information becomes passé?
If it wasn't bad enough that no one gives two shits about what we're doing, now the government wants to step in and regulate it. In Kentucky, State Representative Tim Couch filed a bill to outlaw anonymous online posting. If passed, the law would require anyone who contributes to a website to register their full name, address, and email address. Allowing anonymous commenting would also be illegal and punishable by fines of up to $1,000 for a second offense. This goes against everything the internet stands for. The internet is built around misrepresenting yourself - you ladies who responded to my Craigslist personal ad know this first hand. Thankfully, this law won't apply to me or the site. First, I'm smart enough to not live in Kentucky; and second, we here at pride ourselves on our accountability and always post under our real names (although, Steve Williamson sounds like a fake name to me).
This slap in the face of freedom and the constitution was introduced in an effort to reduce online bullying, which the lawmaker says is a growing problem in Kentucky. When I think of the Bluegrass State I think of three things: horse racing, fried chicken and online abuse. How will I improve my self-esteem or get extra lunch money if I can't bully the other blogs? (I'm looking at you Dungeons and Dragons Weekly) So much for my dreams of becoming an online sensation, no one reads these blogs and soon I may not be able to bully them into it.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Far Reich Candidate

In an election season characterized by twists, turns, and surprises, comes what may be the most dramatic of all; an African-American little person running for the presidency of the United States on behalf of the Nazi party. Tyler Bell, a former office manager for an accounting firm in Columbus, Ohio, made the startling announcement at a press conference in his hometown this week.

“America is looking for two attributes in a president that do not typically converge,” he said to a crowd of journalists and…eclectic…supporters. “On one hand, they want change in Washington, someone not only of a different mindset, but symbolically physically different from the white male presidents of the past. However, they also want a traditional president, one who supports a strong military and conservative values. It is only by electing me as president that America can have the proverbial cake, and proverbially eat it too!”

In an exclusive interview with, Bell expounded on his unique presidential bid, “Look, I know better than anyone how strange an African-American Nazi dwarf running for president seems. But I believe it‘s the only way to solve our problems. I bring a brand new perspective, and no, I do not mean at constant ass/crotch level. At the same time, I represent classical values that have retained their relevance for almost 80 years. Both the silver of new and the gold of old would be in my White House.”

Bell’s campaign manager is Ari Zimmerfeld of the political advising firm Cohen, Ginsberg, Goldstein, Liebowitz & Associates based in Borough Park, Brooklyn. “I’ll tell you, in a life time of studying politics and thirty years in the industry, I‘ve never encountered a candidate as dynamic as Tyler,” Zimmerfeld said. “He really relates to people from all backgrounds; he can speak in a dignified manner to the supreme elite, or down low street vernacular. He even sporadically breaks into impassioned German. I really think Tyler Bell is going to take America, and the world, by storm.”

When asked about the legitimacy of Bell’s chances of winning, Zimmerfeld was highly optimistic. “The way I see it playing out is we‘ll draw in the black vote, boxing out Obama, and the fascist vote, which will kneecap McCain. Then we‘ll take the people who support candidates for attention off of Nader and Ron Paul. Finally, throw in the endorsements by celebrity little people like Mickey from Seinfeld, Vern Troyer, Wee Man from Jackass, and of course you Fatticus, and bada bing, President Bell.”
(Editorial Note: Neither or Fatticus Inch as an individual have formally endorsed any presidential candidate.)

Bell is campaigning on a platform that encompasses the many facets of his persona. “Well, first of, I want to strengthen the U.S.’s ties to Italy and Japan,” he said, “I‘d like to institute some sort of super-affirmative action program, whereby double minorities get twice the compensation, which I hope will drastically increasing the number of African-American dwarves in high level corporate positions. I do endorse ethnic cleansing, but in a more literal sense; in my administration, all immigrants will be required to shower twice a day and wear extra-strength deodorant.”

The last line was met with thunderous applause and chants of “President Bell!” by the audience.

When asked about the more sinister elements associated with his party, Bell responded, “Anyone who has studied history is well-aware the Nazis get unfair an rap by leftist historians. Even universally respected leaders like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad question if the Holocaust even took place. Honestly, when you take out the global domination agenda, exultation of a master race, and the systematic extermination of undesirables, the Nazi party is actually pretty attractive.”
One demographic that Bell particularly appeals to is college students. "Dude, like when I first saw him on the news, I was like at a kegger and whatever, and I said to one of my buds, 'Bro, is that like a black midget dressed as Hitler running for president, bro? Freakin' sweet dude'!" said Jonathan Hill. a senior international economics major at Harvard University. "I'm totally voting for him, bro and am telling everyone I know, man. A black midget dressed like Hitler is exactly what this country needs right now, dude, for real bro."

Opposition to Davis' candidacy has emerged from a bizarre, yet entirely appropriate source. Daniel Carter, a dwarf of Asian decent who dresses like Winston Churchill and Timothy Diaz, a Latino little person who wears clothes resembling Franklin Delano Roosevelt's, have launched a political action committee called the Allied Powers aiming to stop Bell’s campaign.

“Tyler Bell is a fanatic, someone who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject,” said Carter. “He campaigns both for and against tradition, and while a love for traditions has never weakened a nation and indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril, his supposed ’values’ are destructive.”

Diaz chimed in, “I am neither bitter nor cynical but when I consider Bell’s candidacy, I do wish there was less immaturity in political thinking. He is motivated purely by selfishness, the only real atheism; Daniel and I are motivated by aspiration and unselfishness, the only real religion.”

It is with this conviction against Bell that Carter and Diaz have pledged to confront Bell’s campaign with vigor. “We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Washington,” professed Carter, “we shall fight at the precincts and caucuses, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our democracy, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight at rallies, we shall fight at the debates, we shall fight at private fondu parties where issues are casually discussed and in the streets, we shall never surrender.”

“I love a good fight,” Diaz chimed in.

Despite the challenges ahead Bell insists he will continue forth, no matter how little his chances of victory are, how black his political prospects, or how many say they can notsee him as president. He merely salutes his campaign yard signs which read “Heil Bell, Restoring American Greatness since 2008.”

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Running Buddies: Hillary makes an unusual VP proposition

In the wake of Presidential hopeful Sen. Hillary Clinton suggesting her rival Sen. Barack Obama run as her vice presidential candidate and having this offer rejected by the Obama camp, Clinton made an even more unusual proposal Monday while campaigning in Philadelphia;

“We are a house divided. And as we all know, a house divided against itself cannot stand. The red-state/blue-state phenomenon has fractured our country, towns, neighborhoods, and even households. America desires badly to be united again. It is in this spirit, that I proudly extend the invitation for the position of the vice-presidency on my presidential ticket to none other than Senator John McCain of Arizona! Together, John & I will take back America!”

McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis, responded to the news with reserved confusion, “I saw that on google news today and frankly, I find it to be insane,” he said in a g-chat interview Tuesday. “For starters, John and that lady are not even in the same party. Secondly, we already have our party‘s nomination for president, while the odds of her obtaining the Democratic nomination are fairly low. Thirdly, how is a guy who did 5 years in the Hanoi Hilton going to spend 9 months on the campaign trail with Hillary? Aye curumba! Yoinks!”

Former president Bill Clinton wasn’t as dismissive of the idea when asked about it at a campaign stop in Mississippi. “Well, this really would be an unstoppable force,” he said. “It is truly a ticket for everyone. She would bring in the liberals, he would bring in the conservatives. She would attract the anti-war, pro-social program people, he would attract the pro-war, anti-social program people. She would appeal to the lesbos, he would do it for the crusty old farts. Really, it’s the only way I see for either to beat Tyler Bell. Very few people would not vote for this ticket.”

Samantha Power, Barack Obama’s foreign policy advisor, disagreed with the Clintons, “This is the most f---ing ludicrous s--- I‘ve heard all f---ing day, what a couple of a--heads…that‘s off the record by the way.”

As for Senator McCain himself, he had this cryptic response at a press conference in New York. “Well, I‘m still examining all the angles at this point. Checking them all out, considering all the possibilities. Yep, that‘s the way to do it. That's the way to get em' good.”

Monday, March 10, 2008


Sunglasses at night now a misdemeanor

10 March, 2008 (Washington, D.C.): Wearing a hooded sweatshirt could land you in jail, this according to a controversial memo from the Attorney General's office. In the legal opinion, an attorney for the Justice Department concluded that due to recent terrorist threats and ubiquitous hooded sweatshirt use among criminals, wearing a hooded sweatshirt is enough probable cause to be detained - indefinitely.
"Anyone wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up when weather conditions are not hood-appropriate, and especially at night, is clearly up to no good; plain and simple," the attorney wrote in the memo. The memo went on to say that the color and style of the hooded sweatshirt could be taken into consideration, noting that light colors and college sweatshirts were "less sinister." The one-page document advised police that "while the intent of a person in a hooded sweatshirt can be wide ranging, it is always wise to approach the hooded individual with extreme caution as he or she will not respect your authority and may attack, for no reason."
Critics, including the ACLU, claim that the legal opinion goes against the constitutionally guaranteed freedom of expression and will ultimately lead to discriminatory arrests. "The opinion is vague and legally flawed," said an ACLU spokesperson, "furthermore, it is unclear on what is considered responsible hood use." A legal challenge is expected.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

It's Over

From the Sports Desk
in memoriam

After 17 record breaking seasons, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback and There's Something About Mary co-star Brett Favre has announced his retirement from professional football. Best known for his consecutive starts streak, Favre has proven that all a person has to do to shatter every record in football - good or bad - is start every game for the better part of two decades. With all the big records (touchdown passes, passing yards, and interceptions) now his, he's decided to walk off into the sunset.
I've had a bittersweet reaction to this turn of events. On one hand, I'm thrilled America won't have to suffer thru another season of hero-worshiping pundits reciting love poetry to the aging quarterback on national television. For now, let's just pray that the nauseating, round-the-clock coverage of his retirement ends soon. On the other hand, I'm slightly disappointed that OrGiveMeDeath is losing one of its oldest foes. In fact, after much soul searching I've decided to retire the Favre interception counter. It's been a good run, the counter has been a staple of OGMD since 2005; back when Favre was only #11. True devotees of the site know it was the only thing I regularly updated during my 17 month hiatus.
Now, it is with great pride that I introduce the Brett Favre Memorial Peyton Manning INT Watch. I really don't have any thing against Peyton, except for his brother. But Peyton is the most appropriate choice, he currently leads all active quarterbacks except Vinny Testaverde (4) and Kerry Collins (39) and I don't count them because Collins is a washed-up, drunken back-up and I'm Vinny fan (plus he's a dinosaur and may not play long enough to break anything other than his hip). Peyton is on pace to catch Brett Favre in 9 more seasons; at which point he would be 40 years old and in his 19th season. If he continues to stay healthy it's not unreasonable to think he can pull it off; although it wouldn't hurt for him to have a couple of career high years and maybe even lead the league in interceptions (like Favre did in 2005). Carry the torch Peyton.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Go Green, Eat a Whale

From the Global Affairs Desk
an editorial

A new study has found that whaling is an eco-friendly alternative to raising livestock for meat, according to a Norwegian based lobby group that represents the interests of coastal communities in the Arctic. The High North Alliance study claims that the whaling industry produces a smaller carbon footprint than the traditional meat industry and that "greenhouse gas emissions caused by one meal of beef are the equivalent of eight meals of whale meat."
I applaud the High North Alliance for their bold stance and controversial study. Upon hearing about these findings, I decided to do my part to save the world by adopting a whale-heavy diet. Much to my dismay, when I asked the grocer at the Whole Foods when I could expect to see the next shipment of whale meat I was told that I was "disgusting" and "should be ashamed." Ashamed madame? The only thing shameful about this situation is that a so-called socially responsible business that prides itself on quality foods does not carry the most eco-friendly meat.
But Whole Foods is not alone in their admonishment of the whaling community. Eco-terrorist front-group Greenpeace has publicly dismissed the findings. They believe that extinction concerns are more important than greenhouse gases. Evidently, Greenpeace has no understanding of how the market works. If we eat more whales, there will be more whales - simple supply and demand. Look at cows; we eat millions each year, but are they even close to extinction? No, in fact there are so many of them that their methane emissions threaten to kill us all.
Unfortunately, reason means very little to the whale hugging terrorists. Japan knows this best; a Japanese whaling fleet was recently attacked with acid by the Sea Shepherds, a radical environmentalist group. The attack injured four and has left Japanese whalers in constant fear of mild eye irritation.
It's time that whales stop getting a free ride. Don't let Free Willy and other propaganda from the marine mammal agenda trick you into thinking that whales are any different from the other animals we butcher and eat on a daily basis. They're not, they're just a whole lot bigger. Plus, there's a lot of potential in whaling. Just think, whale oil could be the miracle additive that improves our fuel efficiency and eliminates our dependency on foreign oil - and no drilling needed. Ultimately, the argument comes down to this: if you support whaling, you support the environment; if you're against whaling, the terrorists win.