Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Far Reich Candidate

In an election season characterized by twists, turns, and surprises, comes what may be the most dramatic of all; an African-American little person running for the presidency of the United States on behalf of the Nazi party. Tyler Bell, a former office manager for an accounting firm in Columbus, Ohio, made the startling announcement at a press conference in his hometown this week.

“America is looking for two attributes in a president that do not typically converge,” he said to a crowd of journalists and…eclectic…supporters. “On one hand, they want change in Washington, someone not only of a different mindset, but symbolically physically different from the white male presidents of the past. However, they also want a traditional president, one who supports a strong military and conservative values. It is only by electing me as president that America can have the proverbial cake, and proverbially eat it too!”

In an exclusive interview with, Bell expounded on his unique presidential bid, “Look, I know better than anyone how strange an African-American Nazi dwarf running for president seems. But I believe it‘s the only way to solve our problems. I bring a brand new perspective, and no, I do not mean at constant ass/crotch level. At the same time, I represent classical values that have retained their relevance for almost 80 years. Both the silver of new and the gold of old would be in my White House.”

Bell’s campaign manager is Ari Zimmerfeld of the political advising firm Cohen, Ginsberg, Goldstein, Liebowitz & Associates based in Borough Park, Brooklyn. “I’ll tell you, in a life time of studying politics and thirty years in the industry, I‘ve never encountered a candidate as dynamic as Tyler,” Zimmerfeld said. “He really relates to people from all backgrounds; he can speak in a dignified manner to the supreme elite, or down low street vernacular. He even sporadically breaks into impassioned German. I really think Tyler Bell is going to take America, and the world, by storm.”

When asked about the legitimacy of Bell’s chances of winning, Zimmerfeld was highly optimistic. “The way I see it playing out is we‘ll draw in the black vote, boxing out Obama, and the fascist vote, which will kneecap McCain. Then we‘ll take the people who support candidates for attention off of Nader and Ron Paul. Finally, throw in the endorsements by celebrity little people like Mickey from Seinfeld, Vern Troyer, Wee Man from Jackass, and of course you Fatticus, and bada bing, President Bell.”
(Editorial Note: Neither or Fatticus Inch as an individual have formally endorsed any presidential candidate.)

Bell is campaigning on a platform that encompasses the many facets of his persona. “Well, first of, I want to strengthen the U.S.’s ties to Italy and Japan,” he said, “I‘d like to institute some sort of super-affirmative action program, whereby double minorities get twice the compensation, which I hope will drastically increasing the number of African-American dwarves in high level corporate positions. I do endorse ethnic cleansing, but in a more literal sense; in my administration, all immigrants will be required to shower twice a day and wear extra-strength deodorant.”

The last line was met with thunderous applause and chants of “President Bell!” by the audience.

When asked about the more sinister elements associated with his party, Bell responded, “Anyone who has studied history is well-aware the Nazis get unfair an rap by leftist historians. Even universally respected leaders like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad question if the Holocaust even took place. Honestly, when you take out the global domination agenda, exultation of a master race, and the systematic extermination of undesirables, the Nazi party is actually pretty attractive.”
One demographic that Bell particularly appeals to is college students. "Dude, like when I first saw him on the news, I was like at a kegger and whatever, and I said to one of my buds, 'Bro, is that like a black midget dressed as Hitler running for president, bro? Freakin' sweet dude'!" said Jonathan Hill. a senior international economics major at Harvard University. "I'm totally voting for him, bro and am telling everyone I know, man. A black midget dressed like Hitler is exactly what this country needs right now, dude, for real bro."

Opposition to Davis' candidacy has emerged from a bizarre, yet entirely appropriate source. Daniel Carter, a dwarf of Asian decent who dresses like Winston Churchill and Timothy Diaz, a Latino little person who wears clothes resembling Franklin Delano Roosevelt's, have launched a political action committee called the Allied Powers aiming to stop Bell’s campaign.

“Tyler Bell is a fanatic, someone who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject,” said Carter. “He campaigns both for and against tradition, and while a love for traditions has never weakened a nation and indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril, his supposed ’values’ are destructive.”

Diaz chimed in, “I am neither bitter nor cynical but when I consider Bell’s candidacy, I do wish there was less immaturity in political thinking. He is motivated purely by selfishness, the only real atheism; Daniel and I are motivated by aspiration and unselfishness, the only real religion.”

It is with this conviction against Bell that Carter and Diaz have pledged to confront Bell’s campaign with vigor. “We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Washington,” professed Carter, “we shall fight at the precincts and caucuses, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our democracy, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight at rallies, we shall fight at the debates, we shall fight at private fondu parties where issues are casually discussed and in the streets, we shall never surrender.”

“I love a good fight,” Diaz chimed in.

Despite the challenges ahead Bell insists he will continue forth, no matter how little his chances of victory are, how black his political prospects, or how many say they can notsee him as president. He merely salutes his campaign yard signs which read “Heil Bell, Restoring American Greatness since 2008.”

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