Sunday, March 23, 2008

"LOSING MY RELIGION": In light of Rev. Wright's sermons, Obama converts to Scientology

With the controversial comments
concerning the September 11th attacks and American race relations by his former pastor Jeremiah Wright still receiving media and public attention, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama announced he is leaving Trinity United Church of Christ and joining the Church of Scientology.

“As I‘ve said before, I had no idea Wright‘s views on the American government and racial politics were so extreme and hateful,” Obama said in a press conference on, oh, let’s say Thursday, “This whole troubling episode has given me great pause, not only to this man I once admired spiritually, but my entire belief system. After several days of intense inward reflection, I have felt the Almighty calling me in a new direction and am proud to announce I am formally converting to the Church of Scientology. It is with this new faith that I hope to grow closer to God, discover more about myself, and attract voters to my campaign.”

The news took many of even Obama’s closest supporters by surprise. “I’m shocked. I feel it is a very, very big mistake for him to do this,” said Obama’s campaign chairman David Plouffe, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “A lot of voters are going to be alienated, no pun intended. I mean, of all the trendy religious groups to join--kabbalism, Daoism, Rastafarianism, the cult of the Ron Paul Revolution--he picks scientology? Even heliolatry would have been a better move. I just hopes when he jumps up and down on the couch at the Democratic convention, he can recruit Quentin Tarantino to direct his comeback campaign.”

Chet Lawrence Whitney, a retired air conditioning supply salesman from Hobbs, New Mexico, who claims to “know a lot about people” says he predicted Obama would become a scientologist to friends and neighbors over a year ago. “It wasn’t too hard to figure out, if you really think about it,” he said. “For starters, Barack Obama ain‘t just good-looking, he‘s Hollywood-looking. And for him to be able to convince millions of people that there‘s hope for anything to change in America, well, he‘s obviously one hell of an actor. Yep saw it coming a mile away.”

Sen. Hillary Clinton, Sen. John McCain, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and singer Cyndi Lauper could not be reached for comment (I need to speak to Lauper for another, unrelated story...I‘m just really journalistically frustrated right now).

David Miscavige, the worldwide ecclesiastical leader of the Church of Scientology, addressed the news at a meeting of the Philadelphia congregation. “Of course we‘re pleased to welcome anyone into our faith, especially an individual of Barack Obama's stature,” he said, “But if the senator believes changing his religion is going to solve this problem, he is mistaken. The Wright controversy isn‘t about God, it‘s about people, our tendency to tear each other down and our reluctance to forgive each other. From the beginning of slavery to the end of the Civil Rights movement, blacks were mercilessly torn down, physically, mentally, and spiritually. But rather than turn the other cheek, religious and social leaders like Malcolm X, Louis Farrakan and now Jeremiah Wright chose to respond with more hatred. Now, both right wing pundits and Clinton supporters seek to use this controversy to generate hatred for Wright and Obama for their personal agendas. I‘m not necessarily saying Obama needs to be president, but for the good of the country, we must break the tradition of hatred and replace it with a tradition of forgiveness,” he said to applause.

Miscavige continued, “I think forgiving the past and committing to doing better in the future is the only way America can achieve the change Senator Obama hopes for. Thank you all for coming to this meeting, have a great week, and may we always be protected from the wrath of body thetans and the evil lord Xenu of the Galatic Confederacy. Nanoo, nanoo, live long and prosper.” fully acknowledges this article not to be our finest work. The editorial board merely sought to put up something timely and also to allow Mr. Inch one last opportunity to throw a jab at Ron Paul before the distinguished representative exits politics and begins his exciting new career as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

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