Tuesday, March 25, 2008

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Taiwan

U.S. Mistakenly Ships Nuke Missile Parts to Taiwan

The Pentagon has admitted that it accidentally shipped parts from an intercontinental ballistic nuclear missile to Taiwan in 2006. Four fuses used in the triggering mechanism of a Minuteman strategic nuclear missile were shipped to Taiwanese officials instead of the helicopter batteries they had ordered. The mistake was not caught until last week. The Department of Defense has since recovered the parts.
Sino-American relations have been tense over the years largely due to U.S. political and military support of Taiwan. At an impromptu press conference Tuesday, Ryan Henry, the No. 2 policy official in Defense Secretary Robert Gates' office, said they were doing everything they could to ensure that this mistake would not damage relations further.
Top Pentagon officials and President Bush met with Chinese ambassador Zhou Wenzhong over the weekend to discuss the issue. It was reported that during the meeting President Bush phoned Chinese President Hu Jintao and with ambassador Zhou Wenzhong translating, personally alerted him to the situation. OrGiveMeDeath.com has obtained a transcript through an anonymous source at the White House and present it below:
Bush: Hello, China?
Zhou: You are speaking with President Hu Jintao.
Bush: uh, right...listen China, it's George Bush calling you, President of the United States. You might hear some crazy things about us shipping parts of an atomic rocket to Taiwan and I just wanted to assure you that every thing's totally cool.
Jintao: [indecipherable angry Chinese]
Bush: What's he saying?
Zhou: Is this some kind of joke?!?
Bush: No, seriously, I don't get Chinese, is he mad?
Zhou: No, that's what he said, he asked if you were joking.
Bush: Shit, this is confusing...ok, listen Jinty, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb? Well, we kinda shipped fuses for a nuclear warhead to Taiwan, but don't freak out, it was just parts of the thing that carries the bomb, no nuke stuff went out.
Jintao: [through Zhou] This is an outrage, are you giving missile technology to Taiwan?
Bush: No man, it's nothing like that, look, we just sent fuses, you know, like the little plastic thingies in your car, it's not like we sent engines or something. [To Zhou] Y'all got cars over there right? Not just bikes?
Jintao: [more angry Chinese]
Zhou: The president is confused and angry, he asks if the Taiwanese had them long enough to learn anything.
Bush: Hell, I don't know, I don't think so, they thought they were getting helicopter batteries or something. It took 'em like a year to figure out they weren't batteries, I seriously doubt they figured out what they were for.
[15 seconds of silence]

Bush: Let's not play the blame game now, it's not important who violated what international arms treaty or who's violating which human rights, the important thing is that we move on.
Zhou: The president is deeply concerned about the security of the American nuclear arsenal. He says he recalls seeing on CNN that your Air Force recently flew a nuke over your own country without knowing it. This troubles him.
Bush: Oh c'mon! I'll worry about that, you've got bigger problems to deal with now, that whole lama thing in Tibet, plus I hear the French are boycotting your olympics!
Zhou: The president says that having the French boycott your olympics is like having the chess club boycott your party.
Bush: Well I'm sure you have important Presidential things to attend to, it must be tough being a totalitarian leader in a one-party system; I don't envy you. Ah, who am I kidding, of course I do. I'll have my boys in the Pentagon shoot you an email with more details on this rocket ruckus and what we're doing about it. Again, I'm sorry.
Jintao: [more Chinese]
Bush: Okay, you too, catch Hu later...heh, heh, get it? Well, see you around the U.N. Condi, get Mr. Zhou a cab.

No comments: