Thursday, June 26, 2008

Let Freedom Ring!

Supreme Court Upholds Liberty in 5-4 Decision!

“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.”

-Al Capone

Saturday, May 03, 2008

In Memoriam

Eight Belles
2005 - 2008

Tuesday, April 29, 2008


29 April, 2008 (Washington, D.C.): As fuel prices reached a record high today, President Bush announced plans to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) to drilling as part of a multi-billion dollar contract with Academy Award winning actor Daniel Day Lewis.

"One of the main reasons for high gas prices is that global oil production is not keeping up with growing demand," Bush said during a Rose Garden news conference. "The industry needs bold leadership and quick action," the president continued, "and I believe that the kind of intensity that Mr. Lewis offers is just what they need to meet demand."

In recent years, Democrats in Congress have blocked efforts to open the refuge despite Energy Department estimates that the area could yield a million barrels of oil a day. President Bush called on lawmakers to expand domestic oil production in an "environmentally friendly and entertaining way."

When reached for comment, Lewis claimed to be surprised by the plan.

"I'm not as experienced in oil as Mr. Bush may think I am," the British-born actor said, "I'm not exactly sure what he expects me to do."

Lewis also expressed concern with the legitimacy of the agreement, citing problems with the contract's overall vagueness as well as various wardrobe and mustache requirements listed throughout.

The president was not deterred by Lewis's seeming ambivalence towards the project. When asked about the actor's limited experience in actual oil drilling Bush responded positively, saying that running an oil business is not as hard as it may seem and can be done with "literally no real experience."

"Playing an oil man is pretty much like being an oil man, if I recall," Bush explained, "plus, that guy was nuts in Gangs of New York, he's going to solve this gas problem."

Democrats on the Hill responded with their own press conference at which New York Senator Charles Schumer attacked the president for his inactivity and criticized his latest offering as "poorly timed, stale and unimaginative."

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

1884 Adult Film Now Earliest Known Motion Picture

15 April, 2008 (Lynchburg, VA): Film historians have discovered a motion picture recording that predates French inventor Louis Le Prince’s Roundhay Garden Scene, the previously oldest known film, by 4 years. More shocking than the discovery itself is the content of the film, described by researchers as “explicitly pornographic.” The nearly dissolved, 12-second filmstrip is of a young Victorian woman engaging in adult relations with at least two gentlemen and an individual of undetermined gender. A team of historians from Liberty University discovered the film while gathering research for a project on late 19th century pornography and novelty gifts.

The film is credited to inventor and pornographer Aberdeen Hicklin of Skunkhollow, Arkansas. Hicklin made the recording using a crude camera-projector that was remarkably similar to Le Prince’s own design. Dates on related material discovered with the recording suggest that it was filmed in 1884. According to a primitive screenplay recovered, the film was titled Cleveland Steamer due to it’s depiction of a promiscuous secretary’s encounter with a group of reporters while on presidential candidate Grover Cleveland’s campaign train.

A pornographer by trade, Hicklin had earned a reputation as an innovator in adult entertainment by cornering the pornographic stereograph market. His top selling adult stereo card series “Young Harlots Gone Mad with Typhoid Fever” and its follow up “Daisy does the 1876 World’s Fair” made Hicklin one of the most successful pornographers of the late 19th century. Unfortunately, his success came to an abrupt end in 1889 when he continued to break new ground by becoming one of Arkansas’ first automobile fatalities.

Following Hicklin’s death, the groundbreaking film was stored along with his other belonging in a surviving family member’s attic where they remained until being sold at an estate sale last month. A Lynchburg businessman and pornography enthusiast, who chose to remain nameless, purchased the film along with several pornographic stereo card sets, including a never before seen, less than accurate pictorial of Custard’s Last Stand entitled “Little Big ‘N Horny.”

In recent decades, the adult entertainment industry has been at the forefront of new technology ranging from VHS to the Internet. In fact, many credit the industry as key factor in the VHS victory over Betamax. With this new discovery, researchers can now trace pornography’s influence on film all the way back to the earliest days of the medium.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Audacity of Madness

From the Local Affairs Desk
Part two of a retroactively declared two-part series

Last week I addressed a serious, yet negative issue effecting the health and beauty of Austin’s Town Lake, today I’d like to shift the focus to a more positive aspect of our park. During a recent Saturday spent on the lake it occurred to me how convenient it would be to get around town by canoe or small boat. If you worked downtown and happened to live upstream you could just cruise down the river to your office, how great would that be? But then I asked my self, why should only those who work downtown and have lakefront property be able to take advantage of the ease and fun of commuting by boat?
After mulling this over in my canoe for a while, I decided I would take action. As soon as I got back to land I got on the horn and put together an exploratory committee to investigate a possible run for mayor on a bold platform: I will bring aquatic transportation to the people of Austin, I will flood the city! Imagine it, the beauty and convenience of Venice right in the heart of the Texas Hill Country. If you think swim-up bars are cool, you’re going to love it when there’s swim-up everything. [St. David's Hospital now St. David's Hospital and Riverboat Casino, complete with swim-up ER and blackjack, what fun!]
Some of the greatest problems facing Austin will be positively impacted by flooding the city. The traffic situation in Austin will be greatly improved by my plan. Many of the streets of Austin are already better suited for canoes as it is. Plus, commuting by boat will leave a lower carbon footprint [gondolas are zero emissions] and traffic jams will become pleasant cruises down stream. This bold plan will also solve the homeless problem in Austin. The local transient population will be gently encouraged by market forces and high tides to find jobs in the new maritime economy; it’ll literally be sink or swim. The remaining homeless will not be seen as bums, but as loveable pirates looking for doubloons to buy their grog.
The plan itself is simple. [See fig. 1] First, I’ll let Lake Travis run over into the city – to appease the many tree huggers in Austin I’ll use all natural fertilizer explosives to gently remove the dams. Next, the smaller lakes and reservoirs around town will have to be pumped and rerouted to form the new “canals.” Finally, the smaller streams and drainage ditches running through town will be significantly widened.
And don’t worry electricity lovers, the power lost from the dams isn’t a problem. I’m also calling for the construction of an environmentally friendly, emissions free nuclear power plant [the newly formed lakes and canals will make excellent cooling ponds]. In an added bonus, the plant will create jobs to fill the void created by the sudden drop in “land based” jobs.
Austin needs a mayor that will stand by his word and isn’t a drunken thug. I promise, if elected, I will flood the streets of Austin. But I can only do this with the help of the people, more specifically, the people who are high paid lobbyists. A flooded Austin will greatly benefit the recreational boat industry, time to start cozying up Yamaha. I accept campaign donations in cash and in boat form. McCain has his straight talk express; I need a straight talk yacht, or possibly party barge. Together we can do it, an underwater Austin by 2010!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

A Dog's Day in Court

From the Local Affairs Desk
an editorial

Spring has arrived in Austin and it's time to get outdoors and enjoy the natural wonders of the Hill Country. With this in mind, I feel it necessary to discuss a growing problem with our beloved Town Lake; and I'm not referring to the impact of human development on the natural environment or the alarming number of unicyclists around the lake these days. I'm addressing a much older problem: canine waste. Now, I love dogs; I get more excited when a dog's around than any grown man should. But their waste is unsightly, poisons our environment, carries harmful bacteria & viruses, and ruined my Italian leather shoes. In fact, according to a study conducted by the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality in 2000, nearly 500,000 lbs. of dog leavings are deposited into the Town Lake water-shed per year.
This problem requires tough action and the current laws are all bark and no bite. Today, failing to take care of your animal's waste can cost you up $500, but I say we can do better. Five hundred dollars is a decent fine, raising this would be unjust as we cannot put this crime on par with more serious offenses. What needs to be changed is enforcement, we have to attack this problem with the means available. Not only should the city step up patrols, but if a negligent owner is caught in the act the offending dog should be confiscated as evidence and held until the fine is paid or time is served. Not only will this be a wake up call to the irresponsible owners, but it will be a direct assault on the root of the problem. These canines strut around our park naked as the day is long and unabashedly defecate on public property, the only thing they respect is brute force.
I can already hear the dog lovers screaming about how this would be a terrible injustice, but face it, dogs are property and the city has every right to take them, it's no different than towing a car. A legal challenge to any dog-jailing policy would have devastating, unimaginable side-effects that I'm almost certain you've never considered. For this policy to be overturned a judge would have to rule that a dog has legal rights. While I'm sure this would thrill the PETA crowd, it would undoubtedly lead to a chaotic world where dogs have legal standing. Soon dogs will be entering into contracts, would have the vote [and they're Hillary supporters] and the American family would be destroyed by inter-species [and possibly gay inter-species] marriage.
On the other hand, jailing dogs will energize our slumping economy by introducing the completely new business of dog bonding, maybe even dog bounty hunting [not to be confused with Dog the Bounty Hunter]. Plus, if the new policy is as effective as I hope, the evidence lockers will soon be too crowded to hold all the detained dogs leading to new privatized dog prisons.
Until city hall wakes up and starts arresting dogs, or possibly putting their owners to sleep, we all have to do our part. Pick up after your animal, spay and neuter your pets, and if you see someone not picking up after their pet punch them in the back of the head for me.

"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day." - Harry S. Truman

Sunday, March 30, 2008

STRRRIIIIIIIIKE TWO: Not to be outdone by writers, CA nurses go on strike

In the latest chapter of the storied nurse vs. writer rivalry, the Northern California Nurses Union, commonly known as the NCNU, has staged a strike merely a month and a week after the resolution of the Writer's Guild of America Strike that took place in Los Angeles. The “spin-off” strike began on March 21st and is expected to be at least partially resolved when nurses return to work on Monday. Over 4,000 registered nurses took to picket lines all over the Bay Area in hopes of keeping up with the writers.

“When we saw what kind of a deal the writers got after their strike, we decided it was our turn,” said Betty Long, an officer in the NCNU, “we felt like we could get a similar deal, since we actually face a lot of the same issues they did. Like them we also want a percentage of medical advising broadcast through the internet. We also want to increase our share in instructional hospital DVDs. One issue we face that they did not however is our demand that doctors quit calling us ‘Toots’ and stop whistling and snapping when they want our attention.”

Despite the significant demonstrations, the strike has yet to make national news. Andrea Green, vice-chairwoman of the NCNU who is growing out a strike-stache, resents the lack of attention the nurse’s strike has received compared to the writer’s strike. “When the writers went on strike, all the talk shows went off the air, production of movies and television programs virtually came to a stop, and the internet was buzzing with chatter. And when the late night shows finally did come back, all they talked about was the strike. Where‘s our support, where’s our attention? We‘re tired of playing second fiddle to a bunch poindexters who never get laid and aren’t as funny as they think they are, just like those three lowlifes at www.orgivem******.com. Our work is hard and no one appreciates it. We clean out bedpans for goodness sake, meanwhile writers take crap and broadcast it, usually featuring Jimmy Kimmel.”

Many hospital employees, especially doctors, feel it is time for the nurse's strike to come to an end. “Those lazy broads need to get their blubbery asses back to work and quit their bitching and moaning,” says Dr. Jerome Grey of St. Andrew’s Hospital in West San Francisco, “Me and the other doctors were saying during our poker game last night that we want to strike in protest of these skirts gossiping around the Foley catheter disposal all day instead of doing their damn jobs. How the hell are these sluts going to go on strike? Half of them just play with the sick kids in the ward all the time and flirt with terminally ill old men. I‘ll tell you what, in my eyes, these so-called "medical professionals" are just glorified hookers in little white dresses and cutesy hats with red crosses. Yep, in my book, the hierarchy goes prostitutes, strippers, waitresses, and then nurses.”

Not all opinions are as drastic as Dr. Grey’s. Some hospital non-striking staff are supportive of the strike, such as Alan Garrington, the chief administrator of San Francisco Memorial, “This strike is pointless. It‘s accomplishes nothing and has had a very negative impact on the community,” Garrington said. “For example, my precious little niece Trudy was visiting from Oklahoma. She broke her arm while attempting a very challenging and dangerous waterboarding stunt in my pool, so I rushed her to the hospital only to be met with a bunch of striking, pissed-off nurses. I had to take her all the way to Oakland to be treated. Luckily, I’m fluent in ebonics and have a “Bell for U.S. Furor” bumper sticker on my hoopty so no one gave us any trouble.”

This marks the third strike in NCNU’s history. The first time was on July 10, 1960, exactly one month after the writer’s strike of 1960. The result of this strike was a increase in the minimum wage for nurses as well as residuals for “re-runs” or medical tasks that nurses have perform multiple times. The second began October 21, 1988 two months and two days after the 1988 writer’s strike was resolved. For some unexplained reason, the nurse strike blamed along with the writer's strike by critics for the first Batman movie sucking so hard.

Green denies any correlation between WGA strikes and NCNU strikes, “Look, industries go on strike all the time,” she said, rather defensively, “just because we just so happen to have gone on strike soon after they do three times doesn‘t mean we‘re doing it because they do. These issues are floating around, building up for years, and finally one day we've all had enough and go on strike. Maybe it's a comment by some 1st year resident about how he was hoping for some sexy nurses, or a patient makes a wise crack about how bland hospital food is. Unlike plot twists in most TV shows and movies, nurse strikes cannot be predicted.”

Despite the tension and financial loss over the strike, both sides are looking to have the matter resolved quickly. As one nurse on the picket line put it, "We've spent a lot of time out and here, made a lot of sacrifices and we're all just hoping for a Hollywood ending."

Hot damn, that was corny.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Taiwan

U.S. Mistakenly Ships Nuke Missile Parts to Taiwan

The Pentagon has admitted that it accidentally shipped parts from an intercontinental ballistic nuclear missile to Taiwan in 2006. Four fuses used in the triggering mechanism of a Minuteman strategic nuclear missile were shipped to Taiwanese officials instead of the helicopter batteries they had ordered. The mistake was not caught until last week. The Department of Defense has since recovered the parts.
Sino-American relations have been tense over the years largely due to U.S. political and military support of Taiwan. At an impromptu press conference Tuesday, Ryan Henry, the No. 2 policy official in Defense Secretary Robert Gates' office, said they were doing everything they could to ensure that this mistake would not damage relations further.
Top Pentagon officials and President Bush met with Chinese ambassador Zhou Wenzhong over the weekend to discuss the issue. It was reported that during the meeting President Bush phoned Chinese President Hu Jintao and with ambassador Zhou Wenzhong translating, personally alerted him to the situation. has obtained a transcript through an anonymous source at the White House and present it below:
Bush: Hello, China?
Zhou: You are speaking with President Hu Jintao.
Bush: uh, right...listen China, it's George Bush calling you, President of the United States. You might hear some crazy things about us shipping parts of an atomic rocket to Taiwan and I just wanted to assure you that every thing's totally cool.
Jintao: [indecipherable angry Chinese]
Bush: What's he saying?
Zhou: Is this some kind of joke?!?
Bush: No, seriously, I don't get Chinese, is he mad?
Zhou: No, that's what he said, he asked if you were joking.
Bush: Shit, this is confusing...ok, listen Jinty, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb? Well, we kinda shipped fuses for a nuclear warhead to Taiwan, but don't freak out, it was just parts of the thing that carries the bomb, no nuke stuff went out.
Jintao: [through Zhou] This is an outrage, are you giving missile technology to Taiwan?
Bush: No man, it's nothing like that, look, we just sent fuses, you know, like the little plastic thingies in your car, it's not like we sent engines or something. [To Zhou] Y'all got cars over there right? Not just bikes?
Jintao: [more angry Chinese]
Zhou: The president is confused and angry, he asks if the Taiwanese had them long enough to learn anything.
Bush: Hell, I don't know, I don't think so, they thought they were getting helicopter batteries or something. It took 'em like a year to figure out they weren't batteries, I seriously doubt they figured out what they were for.
[15 seconds of silence]

Bush: Let's not play the blame game now, it's not important who violated what international arms treaty or who's violating which human rights, the important thing is that we move on.
Zhou: The president is deeply concerned about the security of the American nuclear arsenal. He says he recalls seeing on CNN that your Air Force recently flew a nuke over your own country without knowing it. This troubles him.
Bush: Oh c'mon! I'll worry about that, you've got bigger problems to deal with now, that whole lama thing in Tibet, plus I hear the French are boycotting your olympics!
Zhou: The president says that having the French boycott your olympics is like having the chess club boycott your party.
Bush: Well I'm sure you have important Presidential things to attend to, it must be tough being a totalitarian leader in a one-party system; I don't envy you. Ah, who am I kidding, of course I do. I'll have my boys in the Pentagon shoot you an email with more details on this rocket ruckus and what we're doing about it. Again, I'm sorry.
Jintao: [more Chinese]
Bush: Okay, you too, catch Hu later...heh, heh, get it? Well, see you around the U.N. Condi, get Mr. Zhou a cab.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

"LOSING MY RELIGION": In light of Rev. Wright's sermons, Obama converts to Scientology

With the controversial comments
concerning the September 11th attacks and American race relations by his former pastor Jeremiah Wright still receiving media and public attention, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama announced he is leaving Trinity United Church of Christ and joining the Church of Scientology.

“As I‘ve said before, I had no idea Wright‘s views on the American government and racial politics were so extreme and hateful,” Obama said in a press conference on, oh, let’s say Thursday, “This whole troubling episode has given me great pause, not only to this man I once admired spiritually, but my entire belief system. After several days of intense inward reflection, I have felt the Almighty calling me in a new direction and am proud to announce I am formally converting to the Church of Scientology. It is with this new faith that I hope to grow closer to God, discover more about myself, and attract voters to my campaign.”

The news took many of even Obama’s closest supporters by surprise. “I’m shocked. I feel it is a very, very big mistake for him to do this,” said Obama’s campaign chairman David Plouffe, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “A lot of voters are going to be alienated, no pun intended. I mean, of all the trendy religious groups to join--kabbalism, Daoism, Rastafarianism, the cult of the Ron Paul Revolution--he picks scientology? Even heliolatry would have been a better move. I just hopes when he jumps up and down on the couch at the Democratic convention, he can recruit Quentin Tarantino to direct his comeback campaign.”

Chet Lawrence Whitney, a retired air conditioning supply salesman from Hobbs, New Mexico, who claims to “know a lot about people” says he predicted Obama would become a scientologist to friends and neighbors over a year ago. “It wasn’t too hard to figure out, if you really think about it,” he said. “For starters, Barack Obama ain‘t just good-looking, he‘s Hollywood-looking. And for him to be able to convince millions of people that there‘s hope for anything to change in America, well, he‘s obviously one hell of an actor. Yep saw it coming a mile away.”

Sen. Hillary Clinton, Sen. John McCain, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and singer Cyndi Lauper could not be reached for comment (I need to speak to Lauper for another, unrelated story...I‘m just really journalistically frustrated right now).

David Miscavige, the worldwide ecclesiastical leader of the Church of Scientology, addressed the news at a meeting of the Philadelphia congregation. “Of course we‘re pleased to welcome anyone into our faith, especially an individual of Barack Obama's stature,” he said, “But if the senator believes changing his religion is going to solve this problem, he is mistaken. The Wright controversy isn‘t about God, it‘s about people, our tendency to tear each other down and our reluctance to forgive each other. From the beginning of slavery to the end of the Civil Rights movement, blacks were mercilessly torn down, physically, mentally, and spiritually. But rather than turn the other cheek, religious and social leaders like Malcolm X, Louis Farrakan and now Jeremiah Wright chose to respond with more hatred. Now, both right wing pundits and Clinton supporters seek to use this controversy to generate hatred for Wright and Obama for their personal agendas. I‘m not necessarily saying Obama needs to be president, but for the good of the country, we must break the tradition of hatred and replace it with a tradition of forgiveness,” he said to applause.

Miscavige continued, “I think forgiving the past and committing to doing better in the future is the only way America can achieve the change Senator Obama hopes for. Thank you all for coming to this meeting, have a great week, and may we always be protected from the wrath of body thetans and the evil lord Xenu of the Galatic Confederacy. Nanoo, nanoo, live long and prosper.” fully acknowledges this article not to be our finest work. The editorial board merely sought to put up something timely and also to allow Mr. Inch one last opportunity to throw a jab at Ron Paul before the distinguished representative exits politics and begins his exciting new career as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Of Blogs & Bullies

From the Online Affairs Desk

Here at we strive for excellence in all we do and despite a nonexistent budget and a limited talent pool we've managed to bring you relevant satire, hard hitting news, and wire stories about prostitutes and wild animal attacks on a somewhat recurring basis for two-and-a-half years. But it turns out that my best efforts have been in vain. A new Harris poll has found that most Americans never read political blogs. According to the study, 56% of the 2,300 adults surveyed never read blogs that discuss politics and less than a quarter read them several times a year. The study also revealed interesting statistics about public perception of blogs. Harris found that almost half of regular blog readers believe blog information to be just as accurate as information in the main stream media and that three in ten believe it to be more accurate. I'm happy that 3 in 10 of our readers (which incidentally happens to be three readers) believe us to be more accurate than the actual news, but c'mon, only half of you believe that a midget Hitler is running against a Clinton/McCain ticket or that moonlight is more cancerous than sunlight?
Harris believes that many Americans have turned back to television for their election news and that the novelty of blogs may have passed. I've been skeptical of the internet's staying power for sometime and this only lends credence to my pessimism. If the novelty of personal weblogs fades, how long it will it be before the entire idea of a world wide web of information becomes passé?
If it wasn't bad enough that no one gives two shits about what we're doing, now the government wants to step in and regulate it. In Kentucky, State Representative Tim Couch filed a bill to outlaw anonymous online posting. If passed, the law would require anyone who contributes to a website to register their full name, address, and email address. Allowing anonymous commenting would also be illegal and punishable by fines of up to $1,000 for a second offense. This goes against everything the internet stands for. The internet is built around misrepresenting yourself - you ladies who responded to my Craigslist personal ad know this first hand. Thankfully, this law won't apply to me or the site. First, I'm smart enough to not live in Kentucky; and second, we here at pride ourselves on our accountability and always post under our real names (although, Steve Williamson sounds like a fake name to me).
This slap in the face of freedom and the constitution was introduced in an effort to reduce online bullying, which the lawmaker says is a growing problem in Kentucky. When I think of the Bluegrass State I think of three things: horse racing, fried chicken and online abuse. How will I improve my self-esteem or get extra lunch money if I can't bully the other blogs? (I'm looking at you Dungeons and Dragons Weekly) So much for my dreams of becoming an online sensation, no one reads these blogs and soon I may not be able to bully them into it.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Far Reich Candidate

In an election season characterized by twists, turns, and surprises, comes what may be the most dramatic of all; an African-American little person running for the presidency of the United States on behalf of the Nazi party. Tyler Bell, a former office manager for an accounting firm in Columbus, Ohio, made the startling announcement at a press conference in his hometown this week.

“America is looking for two attributes in a president that do not typically converge,” he said to a crowd of journalists and…eclectic…supporters. “On one hand, they want change in Washington, someone not only of a different mindset, but symbolically physically different from the white male presidents of the past. However, they also want a traditional president, one who supports a strong military and conservative values. It is only by electing me as president that America can have the proverbial cake, and proverbially eat it too!”

In an exclusive interview with, Bell expounded on his unique presidential bid, “Look, I know better than anyone how strange an African-American Nazi dwarf running for president seems. But I believe it‘s the only way to solve our problems. I bring a brand new perspective, and no, I do not mean at constant ass/crotch level. At the same time, I represent classical values that have retained their relevance for almost 80 years. Both the silver of new and the gold of old would be in my White House.”

Bell’s campaign manager is Ari Zimmerfeld of the political advising firm Cohen, Ginsberg, Goldstein, Liebowitz & Associates based in Borough Park, Brooklyn. “I’ll tell you, in a life time of studying politics and thirty years in the industry, I‘ve never encountered a candidate as dynamic as Tyler,” Zimmerfeld said. “He really relates to people from all backgrounds; he can speak in a dignified manner to the supreme elite, or down low street vernacular. He even sporadically breaks into impassioned German. I really think Tyler Bell is going to take America, and the world, by storm.”

When asked about the legitimacy of Bell’s chances of winning, Zimmerfeld was highly optimistic. “The way I see it playing out is we‘ll draw in the black vote, boxing out Obama, and the fascist vote, which will kneecap McCain. Then we‘ll take the people who support candidates for attention off of Nader and Ron Paul. Finally, throw in the endorsements by celebrity little people like Mickey from Seinfeld, Vern Troyer, Wee Man from Jackass, and of course you Fatticus, and bada bing, President Bell.”
(Editorial Note: Neither or Fatticus Inch as an individual have formally endorsed any presidential candidate.)

Bell is campaigning on a platform that encompasses the many facets of his persona. “Well, first of, I want to strengthen the U.S.’s ties to Italy and Japan,” he said, “I‘d like to institute some sort of super-affirmative action program, whereby double minorities get twice the compensation, which I hope will drastically increasing the number of African-American dwarves in high level corporate positions. I do endorse ethnic cleansing, but in a more literal sense; in my administration, all immigrants will be required to shower twice a day and wear extra-strength deodorant.”

The last line was met with thunderous applause and chants of “President Bell!” by the audience.

When asked about the more sinister elements associated with his party, Bell responded, “Anyone who has studied history is well-aware the Nazis get unfair an rap by leftist historians. Even universally respected leaders like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad question if the Holocaust even took place. Honestly, when you take out the global domination agenda, exultation of a master race, and the systematic extermination of undesirables, the Nazi party is actually pretty attractive.”
One demographic that Bell particularly appeals to is college students. "Dude, like when I first saw him on the news, I was like at a kegger and whatever, and I said to one of my buds, 'Bro, is that like a black midget dressed as Hitler running for president, bro? Freakin' sweet dude'!" said Jonathan Hill. a senior international economics major at Harvard University. "I'm totally voting for him, bro and am telling everyone I know, man. A black midget dressed like Hitler is exactly what this country needs right now, dude, for real bro."

Opposition to Davis' candidacy has emerged from a bizarre, yet entirely appropriate source. Daniel Carter, a dwarf of Asian decent who dresses like Winston Churchill and Timothy Diaz, a Latino little person who wears clothes resembling Franklin Delano Roosevelt's, have launched a political action committee called the Allied Powers aiming to stop Bell’s campaign.

“Tyler Bell is a fanatic, someone who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject,” said Carter. “He campaigns both for and against tradition, and while a love for traditions has never weakened a nation and indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril, his supposed ’values’ are destructive.”

Diaz chimed in, “I am neither bitter nor cynical but when I consider Bell’s candidacy, I do wish there was less immaturity in political thinking. He is motivated purely by selfishness, the only real atheism; Daniel and I are motivated by aspiration and unselfishness, the only real religion.”

It is with this conviction against Bell that Carter and Diaz have pledged to confront Bell’s campaign with vigor. “We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Washington,” professed Carter, “we shall fight at the precincts and caucuses, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our democracy, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight at rallies, we shall fight at the debates, we shall fight at private fondu parties where issues are casually discussed and in the streets, we shall never surrender.”

“I love a good fight,” Diaz chimed in.

Despite the challenges ahead Bell insists he will continue forth, no matter how little his chances of victory are, how black his political prospects, or how many say they can notsee him as president. He merely salutes his campaign yard signs which read “Heil Bell, Restoring American Greatness since 2008.”

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Running Buddies: Hillary makes an unusual VP proposition

In the wake of Presidential hopeful Sen. Hillary Clinton suggesting her rival Sen. Barack Obama run as her vice presidential candidate and having this offer rejected by the Obama camp, Clinton made an even more unusual proposal Monday while campaigning in Philadelphia;

“We are a house divided. And as we all know, a house divided against itself cannot stand. The red-state/blue-state phenomenon has fractured our country, towns, neighborhoods, and even households. America desires badly to be united again. It is in this spirit, that I proudly extend the invitation for the position of the vice-presidency on my presidential ticket to none other than Senator John McCain of Arizona! Together, John & I will take back America!”

McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis, responded to the news with reserved confusion, “I saw that on google news today and frankly, I find it to be insane,” he said in a g-chat interview Tuesday. “For starters, John and that lady are not even in the same party. Secondly, we already have our party‘s nomination for president, while the odds of her obtaining the Democratic nomination are fairly low. Thirdly, how is a guy who did 5 years in the Hanoi Hilton going to spend 9 months on the campaign trail with Hillary? Aye curumba! Yoinks!”

Former president Bill Clinton wasn’t as dismissive of the idea when asked about it at a campaign stop in Mississippi. “Well, this really would be an unstoppable force,” he said. “It is truly a ticket for everyone. She would bring in the liberals, he would bring in the conservatives. She would attract the anti-war, pro-social program people, he would attract the pro-war, anti-social program people. She would appeal to the lesbos, he would do it for the crusty old farts. Really, it’s the only way I see for either to beat Tyler Bell. Very few people would not vote for this ticket.”

Samantha Power, Barack Obama’s foreign policy advisor, disagreed with the Clintons, “This is the most f---ing ludicrous s--- I‘ve heard all f---ing day, what a couple of a--heads…that‘s off the record by the way.”

As for Senator McCain himself, he had this cryptic response at a press conference in New York. “Well, I‘m still examining all the angles at this point. Checking them all out, considering all the possibilities. Yep, that‘s the way to do it. That's the way to get em' good.”

Monday, March 10, 2008


Sunglasses at night now a misdemeanor

10 March, 2008 (Washington, D.C.): Wearing a hooded sweatshirt could land you in jail, this according to a controversial memo from the Attorney General's office. In the legal opinion, an attorney for the Justice Department concluded that due to recent terrorist threats and ubiquitous hooded sweatshirt use among criminals, wearing a hooded sweatshirt is enough probable cause to be detained - indefinitely.
"Anyone wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up when weather conditions are not hood-appropriate, and especially at night, is clearly up to no good; plain and simple," the attorney wrote in the memo. The memo went on to say that the color and style of the hooded sweatshirt could be taken into consideration, noting that light colors and college sweatshirts were "less sinister." The one-page document advised police that "while the intent of a person in a hooded sweatshirt can be wide ranging, it is always wise to approach the hooded individual with extreme caution as he or she will not respect your authority and may attack, for no reason."
Critics, including the ACLU, claim that the legal opinion goes against the constitutionally guaranteed freedom of expression and will ultimately lead to discriminatory arrests. "The opinion is vague and legally flawed," said an ACLU spokesperson, "furthermore, it is unclear on what is considered responsible hood use." A legal challenge is expected.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

It's Over

From the Sports Desk
in memoriam

After 17 record breaking seasons, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback and There's Something About Mary co-star Brett Favre has announced his retirement from professional football. Best known for his consecutive starts streak, Favre has proven that all a person has to do to shatter every record in football - good or bad - is start every game for the better part of two decades. With all the big records (touchdown passes, passing yards, and interceptions) now his, he's decided to walk off into the sunset.
I've had a bittersweet reaction to this turn of events. On one hand, I'm thrilled America won't have to suffer thru another season of hero-worshiping pundits reciting love poetry to the aging quarterback on national television. For now, let's just pray that the nauseating, round-the-clock coverage of his retirement ends soon. On the other hand, I'm slightly disappointed that OrGiveMeDeath is losing one of its oldest foes. In fact, after much soul searching I've decided to retire the Favre interception counter. It's been a good run, the counter has been a staple of OGMD since 2005; back when Favre was only #11. True devotees of the site know it was the only thing I regularly updated during my 17 month hiatus.
Now, it is with great pride that I introduce the Brett Favre Memorial Peyton Manning INT Watch. I really don't have any thing against Peyton, except for his brother. But Peyton is the most appropriate choice, he currently leads all active quarterbacks except Vinny Testaverde (4) and Kerry Collins (39) and I don't count them because Collins is a washed-up, drunken back-up and I'm Vinny fan (plus he's a dinosaur and may not play long enough to break anything other than his hip). Peyton is on pace to catch Brett Favre in 9 more seasons; at which point he would be 40 years old and in his 19th season. If he continues to stay healthy it's not unreasonable to think he can pull it off; although it wouldn't hurt for him to have a couple of career high years and maybe even lead the league in interceptions (like Favre did in 2005). Carry the torch Peyton.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Go Green, Eat a Whale

From the Global Affairs Desk
an editorial

A new study has found that whaling is an eco-friendly alternative to raising livestock for meat, according to a Norwegian based lobby group that represents the interests of coastal communities in the Arctic. The High North Alliance study claims that the whaling industry produces a smaller carbon footprint than the traditional meat industry and that "greenhouse gas emissions caused by one meal of beef are the equivalent of eight meals of whale meat."
I applaud the High North Alliance for their bold stance and controversial study. Upon hearing about these findings, I decided to do my part to save the world by adopting a whale-heavy diet. Much to my dismay, when I asked the grocer at the Whole Foods when I could expect to see the next shipment of whale meat I was told that I was "disgusting" and "should be ashamed." Ashamed madame? The only thing shameful about this situation is that a so-called socially responsible business that prides itself on quality foods does not carry the most eco-friendly meat.
But Whole Foods is not alone in their admonishment of the whaling community. Eco-terrorist front-group Greenpeace has publicly dismissed the findings. They believe that extinction concerns are more important than greenhouse gases. Evidently, Greenpeace has no understanding of how the market works. If we eat more whales, there will be more whales - simple supply and demand. Look at cows; we eat millions each year, but are they even close to extinction? No, in fact there are so many of them that their methane emissions threaten to kill us all.
Unfortunately, reason means very little to the whale hugging terrorists. Japan knows this best; a Japanese whaling fleet was recently attacked with acid by the Sea Shepherds, a radical environmentalist group. The attack injured four and has left Japanese whalers in constant fear of mild eye irritation.
It's time that whales stop getting a free ride. Don't let Free Willy and other propaganda from the marine mammal agenda trick you into thinking that whales are any different from the other animals we butcher and eat on a daily basis. They're not, they're just a whole lot bigger. Plus, there's a lot of potential in whaling. Just think, whale oil could be the miracle additive that improves our fuel efficiency and eliminates our dependency on foreign oil - and no drilling needed. Ultimately, the argument comes down to this: if you support whaling, you support the environment; if you're against whaling, the terrorists win.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Our Crazy World

From the National Affairs Desk
news in brief

We begin with the always exciting world of presidential betting lines where newly announced candidate Ralph Nader is shaking things up at the bottom of the list. Debuting at number 6 with 100-1 odds, this independent candidate is tied with cult phenomenon Ron Paul and has already jumped out way in front of Democratic hopeful Mike Gravel. His campaign is bound to take off and plow thru the competition like a Corvair with no brakes. Also worth note is Huckabee's drop to 50-1. These odds seem a bit generous to me, considering the fact that he's mathematically out of the delegate race. Huckabee's strong odds have less to do with his campaign or his showing in the upcoming primaries and everything to do with the fact that the only man standing between him and his party's nomination is 71 years old.

In Cuba, Reuters is reporting that the young people of Cuba are unhappy, but certainly not shocked, with the selection of Raul Castro, Fidel's brother, as the next president. Apparently, the youth of Cuba haven't learned anything from their fancy re-education schools and still want blue jeans, iPods and the freedom to buy them. The youth are particularly upset that fringe Cuban libertarian candidate Ron Pablo was totally overlooked - and later imprisoned.

In Germany, police dogs in the western city of Duesseldorf will now be wearing shoes, according to a police spokesperson. The shoes are necessary due to a high number paw injuries, especially injuries caused by broken glass. When asked how the dogs are taking to the shoes the police spokesperson said, "I'm not sure they like it, but they'll have to get used to it." Spoken like a true German. What happened to you Germany? I mean, c'mon, dog shoes? What happened to the scary Nazi dogs? How are you going to intimidate drunken soccer rioters when your dogs are wearing slippers?

In Sports

The Florida Marlins are assembling an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad to be dubbed the Manatees. I know nobody goes to Marlins games as it is, but honestly, is this some kind of Major League situation where the owner's trying to sink the team on purpose? The only overweight men working for a baseball team should be knocking in homers or juiced up on the mound.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Red Carpet Baggers

The environmental documentary The Unforeseen, directed by Laura Dunn, examines the adverse effects housing developments have had on Austin's Barton Springs and has won much critical acclaim and several prestigious awards since its January release. However, some unforeseen opposition has recently arisen as some Austin residents have taken to protesting its release claiming the film will bring unwanted publicity and population growth to the city. Much of their resentment has targeted the documentary's executive producer, actor Robert Redford.

"We Austinites are sick and tired of carpet baggers from other parts of the country infesting our town and we are finally putting our foot down. Because of them, traffic is getting worse and worse, corporate businesses are running our beloved locally owned-establishments out, and the once pristine hiking trails are always packed with people and covered in litter. Indeed, Austin is a special place, but because of the massive influx of outsiders, it's becoming indistinguishable from any other large city," said Philip Ackerman, a real estate agent who relocated to Austin from Chicago in 2002.

"Now Mr. Hollywood himself Robert Redford parades in to make a movie about how housing developments pollute Barton Springs, which when it hits theaters, will bring in more people to live in those houses and pollute the Springs. I hold Robert Redford responsible for destroying this city."

Ackerman then added, "And for the record, I thought The Horse Whisperer was corny. I just kept thinking to myself, 'Hey Great Gatsby, who do you think you're fooling dressing up like a cowboy?' That movie was terrible."

Dunn responded to criticism such Ackerman's in the following press statement, "I am personally shocked and distraught over the negative reaction some people have had to the film, which we hoped would enlighten viewers about the pollution of Barton springs. It was never our intention for The Unforeseen (In theaters now! Available at local retailers on DVD April 15th! Packed with exciting bonus features including deleted scenes!) to cause problems for Austin or it's citizens. We only wanted to bring light to the struggle facing Barton Springs."

Not all local residents were satisfied by the director's explanation. "Hey, instead of a movie about a Texan trying to build homes in a region of Texas, why not make a movie about some pretentious Hollywood snob coming to the capitol of our great state to make a crappy movie?" asked Greg Yarborough, a corporate attorney originally from New York City, who has been living in Austin for nine years. "They can entitle it, What Robert Redford Did By Making This Crappy Movie. Or better yet, why doesn't Robert Redford just stay home and make another piece of garbage like The Horse Whisperer? Hey Redford, if you're going to insist on making a movie with no plot and terrible acting, at least have the common decency to cut it down to an hour and a half. You know, the ironic thing is, the more people who come here to be a part of 'Austin', the less 'Austin' this place becomes...damn, that was profound."

The protests are the latest event in the documentary's unusual production history. According to, The Unforeseen was originally conceived as a horror/thriller to be directed by Wes Craven and star Nicole Kidman as a woman who's ability to see the future is not always accurate. Through the script development process, however, the studio decided it was better suited to be a somber documentary about land development and environmental destruction. Dunn was hired on the strength of her documentaries Green and Become the Sky. She began researching Gary Bradley's development company and the resulting destruction of Austin's wildlife and completed the film in three years.

Not everyone is impressed with the result. "I know Laura Dunn and Robert Redford had good intentions, but I don't know if they considered the impacts the development of their film would have on Austin's cultural environment. Sure a big fancy expensive movie seems nice but at what cost to the creative habitat that was here before? Austin used to be a laid back, lazy river town that was so richly and proudly independent and local," said Sandra Turner, a marketing executive who moved to Austin from Miami in 2005.

"I worry people will see the glamor associated with Robert Redford as he goes on TV talk shows to promote the film and want to move out here. With more people comes more crowding, more commercialization, less peace. If Robert Redford really wanted to help Austin and the springs, he wouldn't have made this film. I liked him in The Horse Whisperer though, I thought it was a sweet story. But what was up with The Last Castle? It was just a shameless Shawshank Redemption rip-off. At least it looked that way from the preview; I didn't actually see it."

Gracie Carlyle, a spokesperson for Robert Redford sought to quell the public outcry. "Mr. Redford is obviously bewildered by people speaking out against the documentary and his involvement with the project. While he did spend much of his childhood in Austin and did learn to swim in Barton Springs, Mr. Redford has never claimed to be a native son, just a person who loves the Springs and loves Austin and wants to help. He donated his executive producer salary to the Barton Springs Preservation foundation and spent a lot time making sure the film was done well," She said at a press conference Tuesday.

"He understands locals are upset with him and out of respect for them and the community, he encourages them to come and speak with him about their concerns like they would any other neighbor. Austinites are welcome to stop by and visit him no matter where he is, be it his estate in Westlake Hills, his downtown penthouse on West Fifth Street, the luxury suite he maintains at the Driskell Hotel, his whimsical bungalow in Tarry Town, or his lakehouse on Lake Travis, just drop by and say hello. They should be aware that he usually just autumns in Austin as he finds July and August to be too sweaty so he summers in the South of France. Mr. Redford loves discussing environmental activism and would enjoy meeting anyone who is also interested in nature conservation efforts."

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Boom Goes the Satellite

Watch out Communist China and would-be space invaders, America owns space. Red China, who blew up one of their own satellites last year, is calling the move hypocritical and are questioning our motives. You want a space race, buddy? Go ask your boyfriend Russia how the last one turned out.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

GUILTY SOCIAL CONSCIENCE: "White guilt" ranks second in reasons voters support Obama

Some Democrats have seemingly confessed to being guilty by association with Barack Obama.

Following Obama's victory in the Wisconsin primary, a new poll found "white guilt" to be the second most common reason Caucasian voters gave for casting ballots on behalf of the Illinois senator. Only economic concerns ranked higher and his pledge to end the war in Iraq came in third.

"I do find it to be a little strange," said Brett Favre, a volunteer precinct captain representing Green Bay, in response to the report, "the Obama voters were mostly friendly and appeared to be in good spirits. Who knew they were harboring such guilt?"

"White guilt" is a social theory that states Caucasians may experience individual or collective guilt for racist treatment towards people of color by whites both historically and presently. Senator Obama, the most successful black presidential candidate the U.S. has ever had has enjoyed popular support among white Democrats in the previous primary elections throughout his campaign. The study was conducted by the Clark Group, a non-partisan Think Tank based in Washington, D.C. The research did not include voters outside the state of Wisconsin.

"Well, I didn't vote for Senator Obama out of any sort of guilt, I think he's an intelligent, courageous and capable leader who will make good choices in the oval office," said Ted Grice of Waukesha County, who then added with a chuckle, "but maybe now my co-worker Keisha will forgive me for calling out 'you go, girl' when it was announced that she was promoted to middle-management. Please don't print that last part in your article, by the way."

Pattie Matthews of Blooming Grove was more forthright about her voting motivation. "I certainly did vote for Barack to make amends for the actions of whites against African-Americans, including myself. Why just the other day, I told some African-American children who were being loud and running around at the grocery store to calm down and behave. I felt just terrible, I knew they saw me as the stereotypical mean old white hag. And a few months ago, I was eating lunch with one of my girlfriends from church and I told her that I found rap musical lyrics to be rather offensive. Then I turned around and saw two young African-American gentlemen at the table right behind us. I was so embarrassed. I hope my ballot serves as verifiable, undeniable proof that I am not racist what so ever. Besides, no man of any race could ever be as lax on the job as President You-Know-Who W. Bush."

Dr. Shelby Steele, a research fellow at the Hoover Institute of Stanford University and author of White Guilt: How Blacks and Whites Together Destroyed the Promise of the Civil Rights Era, believes that the findings in the study further his assertion that due to white guilt, black and whites together destroyed the promise of the civil rights era, "This study clearly supports my long-held view that, because of white guilt, black and whites together destroyed the promise of the civil rights era." he said in a statement on his website.

Senator Obama's campaign office responded to the poll results with reserved enthusiasm. "Obviously, we're not thrilled people are voting for Barack out of guilt," said Obama for America campaign manager David Plouffe in a phone interview. "However, as we are waging a challenging and historic campaign for change, we welcome voters supporting Barack for any reason. It will take Americans from all walks of life, and apparently with an array of motivations, to put an agent of change in the White House. So no matter if people feel inspired by our message of change, feel unsatisfied with the state of the nation, or feel fearful of what Senator Obama and his friends might do to their car if they don't vote for him, we are happy to have their support."

The Clark Group is currently conducting a study on whether or not the less-known phenomenon of "refreshing youth guilt" was a factor in Senator John McCain's recent victories or the 1,528 votes Representative Ron Paul has received since the primaries began.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


From the Caribbean Affairs Desk
special report

After months of failing health and speculation over his political future, Cuban president and Comandante en Jefe Fidel Castro has announced plans to end his 50 year reign in order to focus on the day-to-day operations of the island nation's state baseball team. In his 1,076-word "Message from the Commander in Chief" printed in Tuesday's Granma, the Communist Party newspaper, the 81 year old dictator stated that all of his attention must be turned to the 2009 World Baseball Classic. "To bring a championship home to Cuba will be the ultimate insult to the American Imperialists and the fascist stooges at Major League Baseball," said Castro. In 2006, Cuba lost to Japan in the final round of the inaugural World Baseball Classic.
"In the past five decades," the message continued, "I have stood up to ten American presidents, pointed a nuclear arsenal at the imperialists' homeland, and shook hands with Popes and Soviets Premiers; but all the while my heart and mind were never far from the great game of baseball." While members of Castro's inner circle believe he will continue to have a great influence on Cuban policy as long as he is alive, they also contend that their fearless leader has a keen mind for baseball and can put together a batting line-up like nobody's business.

Castro: A Look Back

[Time-line courtesy of the Communist Party of Cuba's Historical Society]

August 13, 1926: Castro is born, marking the first time a child was born in Cuba with a full beard.

1932: At age 6, Castro kills a wild puma that had been terrorizing his village.

1945: Castro enters law school at the University of Havana.

1947: While in school, Castro pitches a perfect game; his first of 24.

1953: Castro and the 26th of July Movement attack the Moncada Barracks in an attempt to overthrow the Batista government. Castro is sentenced to 15 years in prison for his role; he serves two years and moves to Mexico where he would meet Che Guevara and plot a violent communist take-over.

1956: Castro writes the Elvis standard, "Heartbreak Hotel."

1959: After 6 years of revolution, Castro's army takes Havana and Castro assumes power as Commander-in-Chief; Mojitos were served.

1961: After breaking off diplomatic ties earlier in the year, the U.S. government unsuccessfully attempts to depose Castro from power by supporting an armed force of Cuban exiles to retake the island - forever known as the Bay of Pigs Invasion.

1962: The Cuban Missile Crisis

1976: Castro releases an album of duets featuring several political heavyweights, including Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.

1984: Castro gets executive producer credit for Academy Award winning film "Amadeus."

1991: Castro wins the Cuban National Lottery jackpot - for the 17th and final time.

1998: Castro and a team of Cuban scientists build the first working time machine

2,000 B.C.: Castro builds the Pyramids and leads a Marxist coup against Pharaoh Mentuhotep II.

2002 A.D.: Castro is inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame

2008: Castro benevolently steps down.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Lifeless Body Boarding


Amnesty International is launching a public relations campaign this week to respond to misconceptions many Americans have concerning its denouncing of waterboarding. Its primary objective is to clarify to that waterboarding is a torture technique, not an aquatic sport.

“We’ve been extremely alarmed at some of the letters and phone calls we‘ve received since our organization has formally condemned waterboarding,” said Irene Khan, Secretary General of Amnesty International. “Apparently, a significant portion of the population believes we are against some sort of water surfing and not an inhumane interrogative method that simulates drowning. Why anyone with half a brain would believe one of the world’s foremost human rights groups is against surfing is beyond me. Some of my colleagues have described this situation as hilarious; I find it purely pathetic and horrifying.”

Kathy Garrington of Enid, Oklahoma is one of the many Americans who apparently do not understand what waterboarding is. “I don’t know who this Amnesty Interacial is or what they‘re trying to sell, but I think it‘s a bunch of crap that they are trying to make waterboarding a crime. Just a bunch of crap. My precious little Trudy spent her whole summer in the pool learning tricks on her waterboard, eight hours a day like it was a job. She didn't participate in any other summer activities, which I call ‘summertivities’, not even girl scout camp. She‘s been waiting all school year to show her talents off again, maybe even put on a neighborhood show or be invited to compete in the Chinese Olympics. Who‘s going to be the ones to tell her that her favorite summertivity is now illegal? Tell you what, it ain‘t going to be me.”

According to Encyclopedia Britannica, waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of immobilizing a person on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face and into the breathing passages which may cause brain damage or death. Bodyboarding is a form of wave riding that uses a foam “boogie board” invented by surfer Tom Morey in the 1970’s instead of a traditional surfboard.

With the press reporting Lt. Gen. Michael Hayden’s admittance in a Congressional hearing that the CIA has utilized waterboarding at least three times since 2005 and Congress voting to ban the practice, the confusion seems to have spread even farther.

Charlie Wilkins, an armchair political pundit and retired baked goods delivery driver, believes the ban on waterboarding is the latest instance of unconstitutional expansion of federal power. “How about this government of ours, huh? Everytime we turn around, there‘s something new we can‘t do. Congress said waterboarding stimulates drowning. Well drowning won’t be stimulated if a kid can get his got dang head out his butt and stay on his board. I‘ll tell you what, back when I was growing up, we did whatever we pleased; we called kids who stunk at sports fags, we shot tigers at the zoo with slingshots, and ate apple pie until it came out our butts. That‘s when this country was going places. Then the liberals crawled out of someone‘s butt and start legislating against fun. Those light-loafer-limousine-liberal losers always on our butts about enjoying our freedoms. They sure put the 'dumb' in freedom if you ask me. You know who‘ll put us back on track? R** P***. The media is censoring the silent majority who supports this great man. The libero-fascist media, like, don‘t want you to know who R** P*** is, but he's a hero and I‘m screaming his name from rooftops; R** P***! R** P***! R** P***!
(Editor's Note: It is the official policy of to report the news fairly and objectively. does not censor its contributors or its sources).

At least one individual is appreciative of Amnesty International’s efforts to educate the public. David “Wavey Davy” Burns, founder and CEO of "The Water Boarding School" in San Diego, CA, claims his business has suffered due to the negative attention associated with his establishment's name. “Well, needless to say, we couldn‘t get a Middle-Easterner to enroll if our lives depended on it,” Burns said. “And the hippies haven‘t been coming around as often. I suspect they‘ve been going over to my arch nemesis‘ Tsunami Tommy‘s shop, who had his own public relations disaster a few years ago. Or maybe they’re just staying home and getting stoned.”

If poor publicity persists, Burns is concerned about the future of his enterprise. “If this backlash keeps up, I guess we‘ll have to find a new name, which sucks because I think ours is so damn clever. Either that or hire new instructors and start teaching people how to torture terrorists. Our marketing guys are currently looking into which is a more financially-sound option.”

Mark Williams of The Sophisticated Sophomore Digest contributed to this report...but not all that much.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Allow me to reintroduce myself...

"It's not the SIZE of the dog in the FIGHT,
but the SIZE of the FIGHT in the dog that counts."
It is with this bold aphorism spoken previously by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, Governor Michael Huckabee, and belligerent 5'2 drunk asses stumbling through the shadows of West Sixth Street (with the term "bro" casually inserted every few syllables), that I proudly make my debut on
When my esteemed colleague, the world-renowned political scientist Hiro Kowabunga initially invited me to be a contributor to this website, after tucking a 5 spot into my waistband & inquiring about my VIP service rates, I must admit I was reluctant. Needless to say, as an overweight dwarf-American with a checkered past/present, I tend to be a tad self-conscious about sharing my opinion on anything other than undergarment fashion trends and formaldehyde concoctions.
However, I feel, and I hope the readers will agree, it is precisely my unorthodox role in the theater of existence that makes my perspective so important. Until now, few people have had the opportunity to see the world as I do (no, I do not mean at constant ass/crotch-level). For the benefit of those who desire to know the thought process of a person in my shoes, I vow to "go all in" with my chips of insight at the metaphysical poker table of universal being.
As a contributor to, I will be the telescopic lens through which our readers may see a new point of view on topics such as politics, popular culture, ancient culture (prepare to be lampooned, Tigranes the so-called Great), games of sport, the civilized arts, my ex-girlfriends, and our home base city of Austin, Texas.
To serve my readers to the best of my ability, I hereby pledge to adhere to the following code of journalistic and analytic honor by which I intend to conduct myself and my literature:

Fatticus Inch's Declaration of Principles

1) To tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, unless inebriants intervene.

2) To combat the exploitation and ostracization of individuals who suffer from Achondroplasia (the genetic condition commonly referred to as "dwarfism").

3) To promote the continued employment of midgets in the adult entertainment industry, particularly erotic cinema and arousal inducing interpretive dance expression.

4) To voice a politically liberal perspective currently grossly underrepresented in contemporary media.

All I ask in return from my readers is that they hold me accountable to these noble standards and see Martinez Bros. Taxidermy on South Lamar for all your fauna stuffing & mounting needs (tell them Fatticus sent you!).
So, friends, readers, and friendly readers, it with great excitement, and admittedly a touch of nervousness, that I present this to the public, the FIRST of what I anticipate to be at least 10 posts.

May truth and justice reign; $7.50 lapdances on Tuesdays!