Sunday, February 17, 2008

Allow me to reintroduce myself...

"It's not the SIZE of the dog in the FIGHT,
but the SIZE of the FIGHT in the dog that counts."
It is with this bold aphorism spoken previously by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, Governor Michael Huckabee, and belligerent 5'2 drunk asses stumbling through the shadows of West Sixth Street (with the term "bro" casually inserted every few syllables), that I proudly make my debut on
When my esteemed colleague, the world-renowned political scientist Hiro Kowabunga initially invited me to be a contributor to this website, after tucking a 5 spot into my waistband & inquiring about my VIP service rates, I must admit I was reluctant. Needless to say, as an overweight dwarf-American with a checkered past/present, I tend to be a tad self-conscious about sharing my opinion on anything other than undergarment fashion trends and formaldehyde concoctions.
However, I feel, and I hope the readers will agree, it is precisely my unorthodox role in the theater of existence that makes my perspective so important. Until now, few people have had the opportunity to see the world as I do (no, I do not mean at constant ass/crotch-level). For the benefit of those who desire to know the thought process of a person in my shoes, I vow to "go all in" with my chips of insight at the metaphysical poker table of universal being.
As a contributor to, I will be the telescopic lens through which our readers may see a new point of view on topics such as politics, popular culture, ancient culture (prepare to be lampooned, Tigranes the so-called Great), games of sport, the civilized arts, my ex-girlfriends, and our home base city of Austin, Texas.
To serve my readers to the best of my ability, I hereby pledge to adhere to the following code of journalistic and analytic honor by which I intend to conduct myself and my literature:

Fatticus Inch's Declaration of Principles

1) To tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, unless inebriants intervene.

2) To combat the exploitation and ostracization of individuals who suffer from Achondroplasia (the genetic condition commonly referred to as "dwarfism").

3) To promote the continued employment of midgets in the adult entertainment industry, particularly erotic cinema and arousal inducing interpretive dance expression.

4) To voice a politically liberal perspective currently grossly underrepresented in contemporary media.

All I ask in return from my readers is that they hold me accountable to these noble standards and see Martinez Bros. Taxidermy on South Lamar for all your fauna stuffing & mounting needs (tell them Fatticus sent you!).
So, friends, readers, and friendly readers, it with great excitement, and admittedly a touch of nervousness, that I present this to the public, the FIRST of what I anticipate to be at least 10 posts.

May truth and justice reign; $7.50 lapdances on Tuesdays!

No comments: