Monday, February 18, 2008

Lifeless Body Boarding


Amnesty International is launching a public relations campaign this week to respond to misconceptions many Americans have concerning its denouncing of waterboarding. Its primary objective is to clarify to that waterboarding is a torture technique, not an aquatic sport.

“We’ve been extremely alarmed at some of the letters and phone calls we‘ve received since our organization has formally condemned waterboarding,” said Irene Khan, Secretary General of Amnesty International. “Apparently, a significant portion of the population believes we are against some sort of water surfing and not an inhumane interrogative method that simulates drowning. Why anyone with half a brain would believe one of the world’s foremost human rights groups is against surfing is beyond me. Some of my colleagues have described this situation as hilarious; I find it purely pathetic and horrifying.”

Kathy Garrington of Enid, Oklahoma is one of the many Americans who apparently do not understand what waterboarding is. “I don’t know who this Amnesty Interacial is or what they‘re trying to sell, but I think it‘s a bunch of crap that they are trying to make waterboarding a crime. Just a bunch of crap. My precious little Trudy spent her whole summer in the pool learning tricks on her waterboard, eight hours a day like it was a job. She didn't participate in any other summer activities, which I call ‘summertivities’, not even girl scout camp. She‘s been waiting all school year to show her talents off again, maybe even put on a neighborhood show or be invited to compete in the Chinese Olympics. Who‘s going to be the ones to tell her that her favorite summertivity is now illegal? Tell you what, it ain‘t going to be me.”

According to Encyclopedia Britannica, waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of immobilizing a person on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face and into the breathing passages which may cause brain damage or death. Bodyboarding is a form of wave riding that uses a foam “boogie board” invented by surfer Tom Morey in the 1970’s instead of a traditional surfboard.

With the press reporting Lt. Gen. Michael Hayden’s admittance in a Congressional hearing that the CIA has utilized waterboarding at least three times since 2005 and Congress voting to ban the practice, the confusion seems to have spread even farther.

Charlie Wilkins, an armchair political pundit and retired baked goods delivery driver, believes the ban on waterboarding is the latest instance of unconstitutional expansion of federal power. “How about this government of ours, huh? Everytime we turn around, there‘s something new we can‘t do. Congress said waterboarding stimulates drowning. Well drowning won’t be stimulated if a kid can get his got dang head out his butt and stay on his board. I‘ll tell you what, back when I was growing up, we did whatever we pleased; we called kids who stunk at sports fags, we shot tigers at the zoo with slingshots, and ate apple pie until it came out our butts. That‘s when this country was going places. Then the liberals crawled out of someone‘s butt and start legislating against fun. Those light-loafer-limousine-liberal losers always on our butts about enjoying our freedoms. They sure put the 'dumb' in freedom if you ask me. You know who‘ll put us back on track? R** P***. The media is censoring the silent majority who supports this great man. The libero-fascist media, like, don‘t want you to know who R** P*** is, but he's a hero and I‘m screaming his name from rooftops; R** P***! R** P***! R** P***!
(Editor's Note: It is the official policy of to report the news fairly and objectively. does not censor its contributors or its sources).

At least one individual is appreciative of Amnesty International’s efforts to educate the public. David “Wavey Davy” Burns, founder and CEO of "The Water Boarding School" in San Diego, CA, claims his business has suffered due to the negative attention associated with his establishment's name. “Well, needless to say, we couldn‘t get a Middle-Easterner to enroll if our lives depended on it,” Burns said. “And the hippies haven‘t been coming around as often. I suspect they‘ve been going over to my arch nemesis‘ Tsunami Tommy‘s shop, who had his own public relations disaster a few years ago. Or maybe they’re just staying home and getting stoned.”

If poor publicity persists, Burns is concerned about the future of his enterprise. “If this backlash keeps up, I guess we‘ll have to find a new name, which sucks because I think ours is so damn clever. Either that or hire new instructors and start teaching people how to torture terrorists. Our marketing guys are currently looking into which is a more financially-sound option.”

Mark Williams of The Sophisticated Sophomore Digest contributed to this report...but not all that much.


  1. Anonymous12:45 AM

    I'm sorry but it it may have been considered a torture technique in the past it defintely is an aquatic sport in this century! Don't be stuck in the past.

  2. I agree with the previous comment. Any for of boarding from Bodyboard to surboard to wakeboard are all aquatic sports.