Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Audacity of Madness

From the Local Affairs Desk
Part two of a retroactively declared two-part series

Last week I addressed a serious, yet negative issue effecting the health and beauty of Austin’s Town Lake, today I’d like to shift the focus to a more positive aspect of our park. During a recent Saturday spent on the lake it occurred to me how convenient it would be to get around town by canoe or small boat. If you worked downtown and happened to live upstream you could just cruise down the river to your office, how great would that be? But then I asked my self, why should only those who work downtown and have lakefront property be able to take advantage of the ease and fun of commuting by boat?
After mulling this over in my canoe for a while, I decided I would take action. As soon as I got back to land I got on the horn and put together an exploratory committee to investigate a possible run for mayor on a bold platform: I will bring aquatic transportation to the people of Austin, I will flood the city! Imagine it, the beauty and convenience of Venice right in the heart of the Texas Hill Country. If you think swim-up bars are cool, you’re going to love it when there’s swim-up everything. [St. David's Hospital now St. David's Hospital and Riverboat Casino, complete with swim-up ER and blackjack, what fun!]
Some of the greatest problems facing Austin will be positively impacted by flooding the city. The traffic situation in Austin will be greatly improved by my plan. Many of the streets of Austin are already better suited for canoes as it is. Plus, commuting by boat will leave a lower carbon footprint [gondolas are zero emissions] and traffic jams will become pleasant cruises down stream. This bold plan will also solve the homeless problem in Austin. The local transient population will be gently encouraged by market forces and high tides to find jobs in the new maritime economy; it’ll literally be sink or swim. The remaining homeless will not be seen as bums, but as loveable pirates looking for doubloons to buy their grog.
The plan itself is simple. [See fig. 1] First, I’ll let Lake Travis run over into the city – to appease the many tree huggers in Austin I’ll use all natural fertilizer explosives to gently remove the dams. Next, the smaller lakes and reservoirs around town will have to be pumped and rerouted to form the new “canals.” Finally, the smaller streams and drainage ditches running through town will be significantly widened.
And don’t worry electricity lovers, the power lost from the dams isn’t a problem. I’m also calling for the construction of an environmentally friendly, emissions free nuclear power plant [the newly formed lakes and canals will make excellent cooling ponds]. In an added bonus, the plant will create jobs to fill the void created by the sudden drop in “land based” jobs.
Austin needs a mayor that will stand by his word and isn’t a drunken thug. I promise, if elected, I will flood the streets of Austin. But I can only do this with the help of the people, more specifically, the people who are high paid lobbyists. A flooded Austin will greatly benefit the recreational boat industry, time to start cozying up Yamaha. I accept campaign donations in cash and in boat form. McCain has his straight talk express; I need a straight talk yacht, or possibly party barge. Together we can do it, an underwater Austin by 2010!

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