Or Give Me Death Industries

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

The fix is in!  Looks like not much has changed since 1919; a global flu epidemic is threatening mankind and the White Sox are fixing World Series games.  This year’s Series [and possibly last year’s] is clearly the result of a conspiracy to divert attention from the steroid scandal and struggling ratings.  Major League Baseball in conjunction with the Chicago mob clearly paid off the umps and possibly Astro reliever Ezequiel Astacio.  Look no further than the bad call in game 2 when Wheeler’s pitch allegedly hit White Sox hitter Jermaine Dye while the video shows the ball clearly hit the bat, not Dye.  That shitty call set up Paul Konerko's grand slam!  What are the odds that two cursed Sox teams sweep consecutive World Series?  A Vietnamese fisherman without a nose can tell that something stinks here.  
Major League Baseball has been on a steady decline in recent years and now they’re desperate for ratings.  The steroids scandal and the league’s ineffectiveness on the issue have dominated baseball headlines for a couple years now and the league needs good stories.  So what do they do?  They conspire with the Illuminati to fix the World Series for the Red Sox and then they team up with the Chicago mob to fix it for the White Sox.  Unfortunately for us loyal Astros fans in the Great State of Texas, the elitist, East Coast, liberal media outfits are quick to jump on the Sox bandwagons and make them their media darlings.  Is it any coincidence that Bush 41 happens to be an Astro’s fan and Texas and Missouri happen to be red states?  Clearly, a cabal between the liberal media, MLB, the Illuminati [possibly reptile people] and the Chicago mob are fixing these games.  Not to worry, this story will be broken wide open by the bastion of investigative journalism, the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath.

In other news,

My football picks were so terrible that any further discussion of them would only serve to shame my family.  This week I’m hoping to turn it around.  Helping me turning it around is the fact that I don’t have to count the Jets this week; they have a bye.  The Lions and their new front man, San Francisco socialite Jeff Garcia, should upend the Bears in that tough NFC North.  The Texans will finally come up with a win against the Brownies.  America’s last surviving Spanish American War vet and Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs will test his hated Redskins against the New York Football Giants in a crucial NFC East game and win.  The once and future NFC East champion Dallas Cowboys will defeat the New Look Cardinals in a blow out.  Hopefully, the Anti-Catholic, Free Mason led conspiracy that has been fixing Saints games will give them a break this week and they’ll beat the Dolphins.  Well, that’s all for this week, hopefully my prognosticating powers will return next week.

Good luck and go USA,
Hiro