Tuesday, February 21, 2006

From the Sports Desk
an editorial

Like a blazing comet that passes our way only once every four years, the heart-stopping excitement of international curling competition is back to spread it's unequivocal brilliance to a eager world. Curling? The hell you say! It's true, and as I don't need to tell you, these United States are in it to win it. We got a team of hardcore stoners - you know, the guys who slide the stone down the ice. These stoners have gold medal written all over them. Standing in the way of our American curling dream team are the terrors of the curling world, the mighty Finns. Finland's top stoner is a man as large as his name, 6' 1," Markku Uusipaavalniemi [pictured above]. Weighing in at an impressive 209 pounds, Uusipaavalniemi is nicknamed "U-15" for the number of letters in his surname as well as for the number of illegitimate children he is said to have fathered while on the notoriously wild Finnish curling tour. According to his bio, when this Bill Gates look-a-like isn't dominating the ice he's a self employed computer programmer. America is just a win over Canada and a win over Finland away from taking the gold in the Olympic event known to some as "chess on ice."
Moving on to the only other real reason to watch the winter Olympics, America's hockey performance this year borders on treason. How do you tie Latvia and then lose to Slovakia and Russia?!? The Soviet Union has had it's revenge. But we did get one of theirs in a 4 to 1 beat-down of hockey juggernaut, Kazakhstan. It wasn't the Red Army hockey squad of days past, but we beat the hell out of Trashcan-astan.
But the biggest sports story this month has come from the world of hunting where Dick Cheney blew America's safety record of 201 years without a vice presidential shooting incident. I'd just like to say thank you to Dick Cheney for reading the blog. As the Vice President and maybe three other readers know, I posted a blog in November on the subject of Vice Presidential shootings. In that blog I wrote, "So until Cheney, or some future VP, flips out and decides to start taking out political rivals in shoot-outs, Aaron Burr will remain the most interesting Vice President this country has ever seen." Well, not to be outdone, Cheney has stepped up to my challenge and put himself in the Pantheon of interesting VPs. This incident proves once again how the intrepid OrGiveMeDeath will continue to influence world events; much like how Brett Favre stepped up to the challenge of my INT counter by throwing a career high, league leading amount of interceptions. Kudos to both of you, you're true American legends.
Finally, I would like to address a television ad I recently saw. In their new ads Guinness is encouraging responsible drinking during the "St. Patrick Day Season." St. Patrick Day Season? You mean I don't have to limit my enthusiasms for drinking and wearing green to one day? We have a season now? Hopefully we can take a cue from X-mas and stretch this bitch out for over a month; after all, it is the most wonderful time of the year.

Good luck and Go USA,

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